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Never thought I'd consider taking DD out of nursery but...

(13 Posts)
deelite72 Fri 07-Mar-14 12:21:56

I've done the nursery, primary school journey with DS who is now in secondary school. I know how traumatic nursery drop-offs can be and that the outcome is usually a positive one. We had lots of play dates and DS made lots of buddies. He also had some less than good times at nursery. And I know that is to be expected.
My DD who will be 4 in early April, started nursery last September at a primary school around the corner. Teachers (there are 2) are lovely, kids seem absolutely fine, parents are nice. It's a nice nursery. My son's was filled with the semi-delinquent :-) and he survived. That was years ago. On the outside, I can't fault DD's nursery. But my daughter just cries and cries when I leave her. She's not a particularly needy child. She's not spoiled and isn't a demanding little girl by any means. She sleeps very well, eats well and is a very happy, chatty little girl. Just giving you some background. :-)
But from September to now it's just been an emotional sob fest. She clings to my legs, shaking and begging me not to go. I can't stay. I work morning's until 12, pick-up time.
It is just depleting me emotionally. I dread the walk to nursery every morning, just dread it. It becomes this big, psychological issue which is just getting to me. The beginning of the walk is fine, but once we near the gates, her anxiety builds up and builds up. She repeatedly asks me to stay, not to leave. By the time I drop her off, we're in meltdown mode. Apparently she's fine after a while and she chats positively about nursery, though not very much. She always says she doesn't want to go to school whenever at home. Not in an upset way, but whenever I say, "Shall we get ready for school, she replies, "No thank you mummy. I don't really want to go to nursery." So she politely declines. :-) Of course, we get ready and go. What I notice is that at this stage, the kids haven't bonded much. There doesn't seem to be many parents connecting and making play dates or planning little bday parties. And my daughter has a few buddies- all boys. There are 19 in the class. But I feel very much on the outside and I don't quite 'get' what she's getting out of nursery at this point. I am tempted to take her out. Not sure what to do. Yes, we've had the talks with the teacher, but they've sort of led to nowhere.

Jollyb Fri 07-Mar-14 12:29:18

I don't know whether it 's an age thing. My daughter was born the same month as yours and over the past 2-3 months has become very tearful when I drop her off at childcare. Admittedly I am currently on mat leave and so she is aware that I am at home with her baby sister.

She cries and sobs when I leave her but whenever I collect her she is happy and bounces down the drive telling me what fun she has had. It has been very distressing but I 'm going back to work in a few weeks and so I don't really want to take her out. I'm also working on a research proposal at home. I'm hoping that when her sister goes along with her the tears will stop.

tumbletumble Fri 07-Mar-14 12:32:05

What a horrible situation for you and DD. I am in favour of pre-school for 3-4 year olds, but in your situation I would be an emotional wreck. A few weeks of tears is to be expected, but six months of meltdowns is a different matter.

Can you take the initiative and ask a couple of the other children over for a playdate?

If you did take her out, what are your alternative childcare options? Is there another nursery you could try and have you asked her if she'd like to go to a different nursery? Or would you be considering a childminder?

insancerre Fri 07-Mar-14 12:34:04

sounds like she hasn't bonded with the staff at all
in my nursery we go that extra mile to bond with all the children
this extends to forming good relationships with the family too
have they suggested a home visit at all?
that would be my first suggestion
seeing the teachers in her own home could be the key to making her feel they ate an important part of her life
my key children tell me they love. they invite to live in their houses. one little boy wanted " an insancerre for our house" for Christmas
we do diaries that the parents fill in as well. we have a Facebook page and have lots of parents as friends
we also have events where patents can come in the setting and get to know each other
we are part of the community
is your nursery like that op?

lynniep Fri 07-Mar-14 12:45:29

have you got any alternatives? other nurseries? childminders? she sounds very adamant that she doesnt want it (meltdowns at the gate are one thing - but telling you beforehand that she doesn't like it in a sensible way is a little more worrying - she is telling you without tantrum that she is unwilling)

Its so different for every child its hard to know. Pumping them for information rarely works because they're too little to articulate what it is theyre feeling.

My 4 year old started having meltdowns back in September (he was 4 in November) after being in the same nursery since he was 6 months old. Its not in his nature at all to get upset as he's the most sociable child around. Fortunately it was easy to move him to a different nursery and he immediately returned to his happygolucky self. He just needed a change. I don't know what the trigger was but I think it was probably the shift of a lot of his friends to 'big school'. I realise that doesn't help so I'm not sure why I bothered telling you, other than sometimes you have to listen to what they're saying.

Forester Fri 07-Mar-14 12:48:23

How miserable for you and your DD.

My DD went through a couple of months when she was almost 4 of getting very upset at drop off - even though she'd happily trotted in for the previous two years. But she was always happy when I picked her up and had obviously enjoyed herself and after a while stopped getting upset.

But it does sound as though your DD just hasn't settled in. It seems a very big class and the fact that she hasn't got any girl friends could just all be a bit overwhelming. In your situation I would probably look to try out a different nursery - assuming that's an option.

Hope things get better

KatoPotato Fri 07-Mar-14 12:50:46

My heart goes out to you, DS spent 4 weeks or so like this and it made me a wreck, so I can't imagine what 6 months has been like.

What did help us was DH taking him instead of me. Even though I was super positive about it, I feel he still picked up some vibes somehow!

DH seemed better at a more 'perfunctory but loving' than me!

starlight1234 Fri 07-Mar-14 12:53:48

How is your DD after you have left..My Ds cried every day I left him at nursery till the day he started school..I was also devastated at first but then realised my emotions were getting all mixed up with my sons's..He would stop crying before I had left was just out of sight...

I had a friend who had similar and her daughter didn't go most the time but she has settled into primary school fine.

deelite72 Wed 12-Mar-14 19:21:29

Oh thank you so, so much, all of you for taking the time to offer me some real guidance and words of kindness and support. There's definitely a cross over of emotions between DD and me. It's been emotionally trying, for sure. She's ok after I leave, though I was told today that she doesn't interact much with the others. In fairness, they're a shy lot, the kiddies. The majority of the children don't speak English at home and I am wondering if this too may be why the kids, though very sweet to one another, haven't really bonded. I was told at the parent-teacher meeting today that DD frequently tells her teacher she's scared. Her teacher feels that she is expressing something she doesn't actually feel. So she is saying the words "I'm scared", understanding what it means, but doesn't actually feel scared. I have a difficulty in agreeing with this because to me, DD reacts emotionally appropriately to things and situations. She doesn't announce she's scared randomly at home. When she's scared, it's because she's scared. She's quite sensitive emotionally. The teacher finds the following challenging to deal with and would like the school's SENCO lead for input because: DD gets upset if she is not given the chance to finish her painting before the class moves onto another task. If she is playing hop-scotch or involved in a game, she cries if the game is interrupted and wants to finish it. She likes to have her coat zipped up completely rather than half-way when she goes outside. This was all told to me today. The coat part made me giggle a bit inside because I did think, "Really? Is this a big issue?" Part of me finds it all a bit petty and I think calling in the special needs adviser is a bit OTT. But then again, I can't see the forest for the trees and perhaps I am not being open to what is being told to me. I just don't know. The teacher feels that my daughter's need for security is a behavioural issue which she is unable to manage on her own. It's out of her field of exptertise, she explained. Interestingly, we don't have these issues at home. We haven't dealt with this difficulty around shifting activities at all. But then, home is a different environment. My husband is all for the talk with the SENCO lead. Grandma is saying, "Take her out of the nursery. She's not happy there, full stop." Maybe I need to start another thread. :-) Thank you again, so much for all of your advice and kindness. I really appreciate it. I feel a bit more human and normal.

apermanentheadache Thu 13-Mar-14 14:30:51

Hmmm. They are referring her to SENCO because she doesn't like being interrupted at play and likes to have her clothes done up a particular way?!?!? Surely that is completely within the bounds of normal pre-schooler behaviour?
I think your mum may well be right:it's not the right setting for your DD.

I'm watching thread with interest as I also have a DS who I think is in the wrong (for him) setting and currently trying to work out what to do.

Isthatwhatdemonsdo Thu 13-Mar-14 20:47:43

How do you feel about the nursery? The atmosphere is it welcoming etc?

Remmy123 Tue 18-Mar-14 09:58:48

I have recently been through the same thing with my son (he is 2.5 years) so i can totally understand.

The walk to nursery was traumatic, he would cry, I would listen outside of the door and I would hear him screaming very angrily. I would go home and feel very guilty and upset for him.

When I picked him up he seemed happy and very relieved to see me but would tell me �nursery is rubbish� I looked at the children in his class and realised that they really were not the sort of children he plays with day to day, more girls than boys, and the boys were very babyish. So for me, I didn�t hesitate and took him out.

Maybe that particular nursery and the children in it are not the right fit, if she hasn�t bonded with any of the children then obviously that will be a massive factor for her. Why don�t you have a look at some alternative options??

Also, is it a nursery of a pre-school?? My older son cried and hated nursery as soon as he started a pre-school he was happy as Larry as the day was more structured.

Good luck, but go with your instinct, I did and I don�t regret taking him out at all x

ratqueen Fri 04-Apr-14 19:46:11

What did you decide OP?

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