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Premature birth

Should i be over it all

6 replies

Amigoingmad29weeks · 20/01/2020 22:29

I had a baby at 29 weeks last July after a near month long stay in hospital where i bounced between antenatal and delivery every time i de-stabilised, every couple of days. When he was born he had to be blue lighted to a higher level hospital and his consultant told me when we'd been transferred back that he wasn't sure he'd survive the journey. The road isn't over, there's some surgeries ahead and i have a 4 year old (lived with my mum mainly apart from me for months over the summer and had a delayed school start because we were in a different county, oh the guilt!) who is now showing some behavioural issues and delightfully brought home chicken pox for Christmas which she shared with her baby brother!

I'm now getting the feeling that people think that i am/ Should be back to normal. Insensitive comments here and there, confusion when i get upset about things that have happened. My sister in law is pregnant and I've found that hard to deal with and now she's had some problems at times it all floods back, though I'm working really hard to be supportive and not let it show.

Even my husband seems to want to get things back to normal, big point of focus atm being our sex life. But I'm tired ALL THE TIME. There's no excuse cos my boy sleeps beautifully, but he's essentially 3 months and likes to be held when sleeping during the day so between him and my girl it's like i get 'touched out'. And I'm stressed constantly. I'm managing hospital appointments for both children and me, some of which were messed up by the pox so I've got to chase up on them. Oh and we moved house in the midst of all this, there are still boxes yet to be unpacked and i have no support in this new area.

I thought I've been coping pretty well but most of the time i feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water just feeding the kids and keeping up with the housework basics, let alone whether I've showered shaved and am up for sex. But should i be over this and back to normal by now? After all technically he is 6 nearly months now.

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nopun · 21/01/2020 03:53

You have been through so much & have so much on your plate - I don't think it's surprising at all that you are finding things hard 6 months down the line. Recovering from such upheavals takes ages, in my experience.

I had a baby at 28 weeks gestation quite a few years ago, and even though baby ultimately survived and is now 'fine' I can honestly say that this was the most traumatic and difficult time in my life. (And I didn't have other kids to look after at the time). It took ages - years - to feel vaguely on top of things again. Neither me nor my partner quite realised how much we'd been affected by everything and tried to deal with it very differently, and almost split up a few years later. We then eventually went to joint counselling two/three years afterwards, which brought out quite a lot about how we'd not really processed what had happened. Its really difficult to go from crisis mode to normal living again. And it was only when I was pregnant again years down the road that I realised how much I was still affected by what he happened & that I should have probably had my own counselling as well...

My suggestion is: be kind to yourself, and also try really talking to your other half about what you are feeling. See whether you can find a counsellor to talk with about everything. Also see whether you can get some help with looking after your children, so that you can have some regular time to yourself. I hope you feel better soon, but be kind to yourself!

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Amigoingmad29weeks · 23/01/2020 17:32

Unfortunately help is quite far away. All parents are over 2 hrs away and have not made any friends here yet. My husband doesn't 'do' counselling so no chance of joint, maybe in the future i can look into it for me but atm that would just feel like something more to have to do tbh.

Its hard, this move isn't one i wanted to make. And in part i blame the stress of it for the early birth. So every day being here is a bit of a reminder.

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user1493413286 · 23/01/2020 21:36

It sounds like you’re still getting over the trauma of his early arrival and pregnancy and that’s ok. I had 5 weeks in hospital before my DD was born 8 weeks early with a very traumatic delivery and it took a long time to get over it; I’d say a year really and things still bring it all back.
Go easy on yourself and maybe think about whether counselling would help. I had a debrief with both a counselling midwife and consultant and both really helped me understand what had happened and the impact of the trauma on me.
The other thing I found helpful was a local scbu baby group where I could talk to other mums who had been through similar experiences

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eurochick · 23/01/2020 21:46

I had a premmie and it has had a huge impact on me.

I read an article a while ago about ptsd in parents whose babies had been in nicu. Your feelings are completely valid and not at all unusual.

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NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 25/01/2020 21:29

My premmie was born in Aug and has been back in hosp twice since. I'm definitely not even nearly "over it". I worry about her constantly, I blamed myself for the IUGR and i blame myself every time she gets ill again. The stress is immense. Hand hold, OP.

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Newmumma83 · 25/01/2020 21:39

Op having a bay alone is a huge thing, a child with another at home huger ... complications and your situation even more so.

I understand his desire for going back to normal but really isn’t it a case of coming to terms with the new normal? And with each new addition our lives changes

Also your body is still going through massive changes hormones etc ...it’s not that long to adjust to what is and what happened.

I would stress how you are feeling, point out you also understand how he is feeling and neither of you can change how you feel because some one tells you you should feel a different way but perhaps understanding and respect and help where needed is key here.

Not at all the same but I’m a sense ... my grandad died I was really effected I threw me I am not a person to fall apart and fall apart I did ( complicated by being there and family fallout after ) it really frustrated my husband he hated it , his grandad died a few years before and he literally never shed a tear and got on with life ... he will talk about him every now and then but not upset .. but guess what ... two different people = two different responses neither one is wrong it’s just how we process .


He needs to understand that a little ... you are not him.

I may have rambled a little too long .
I am though immensely glad your baby survived

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