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Miserable about DS birthday

(7 Posts)
Perspexheart Fri 10-Jun-16 15:12:37

DS was born at 33 weeks almost one year ago. Spent three weeks in NICU, two operations afterwards. He is now such a happy little thing, thriving and doing well. But I feel absolutely horrible and have done since it's been June. I keep having flashbacks to my waters breaking, middle of the night and it being still hot outside. driving to hospital and DH being so brilliant and steady. And getting to hold him for a minute before he went in the incubator and got wheeled away. And so on etc. Thought I was doing well but I'm absolutely dreading his birthday in a few days. I know a lot of families go through much worse but I feel like Im stuck. I just want him to have a lovely birthday but the thought of it is draining.

Argh. I think i just wanted to write this somewhere.

JillyBoel Sat 11-Jun-16 21:18:06

Hi, please don't feel bad about this. Pretty much all the mums of prems that I know (I had DD at 25w, kept in touch w lots of the NICU mums and was involved in a Bliss support group, so a pretty big sample!) really struggled around their DC's first birthday.

For me, I felt very emotional around DD's birthday and then was a bit jangly and weird until the anniversary of her coming home, but then started to feel more normal and I was totally fine for her 2nd birthday. I planned a special trip for her 'unbirthday' (1 year from her due date) which was nice - it was something to look forward to that was less emotionally loaded, iyswim.

Giving birth prematurely is traumatic, it leaves scars and it takes time to recover. I hope you are able to take some enjoyment from seeing your DS happy and thriving on his birthday, but don't feel bad for feeling like this, it is natural and normal.

If it carries on and you think it would be useful, I think you can still contact Bliss who can arrange counselling, if that would help.

flowers for you and cake for your DS, many happy returns!

Perspexheart Sun 12-Jun-16 20:56:57

Aw thank you so much for your response! Glad to know I'm not alone and it is a great idea to contact Bliss. I already think of DS's due date as his unbirthday, and we have decided to make sure we have a special day out on that day. I do think I need to talk to someone about how I'm feeling- stuff like still not having sorted his room because that's something we were going to get done before he was born. But then I remember that Ds doesn't really care about his room yet!

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Sun 12-Jun-16 21:03:32

OP,i felt like you, ds was born at 32 weeks. It's horrible, isn't it?

Don't do what I and leave it for 15 years. I dreaded ds's birthdays and couldn't wait for them to be over as it brought all the panicky, anxious feelings flooding back.

2 years ago I had CBT, only needed 6 sessions and it was life changing. I spent 2 sessions in tears then started to feel much much better.

We've had 2 birthdays since and I'm just sorry I didn't get help sooner.


Tiredofsummer Sun 12-Jun-16 23:47:45

My ds was born at 33 weeks nearly 2 years ago and his 1st birthday was difficult but this one doesn't feel as daunting allthough we do have 8 weeks left.

I still find it difficult to go into the building where the nicu is though even though he has appointments there every few weeks.

Be kind to yourself it was traumatic and it takes time to recover. flowers

AbbeyRoadCrossing Mon 20-Jun-16 06:19:09

Hi OP I think a lot of what you say happens to a lot of us.
I had bad flashbacks (DS was only a little bit premature but birth was very traumatic and we both nearly didn't make it) and anxiety.
In the end I was diagnosed with PTSD and had EMDR (eye movement) treatment which was tough reliving it but I'd really recommend.
Hope it starts to feel less raw for you soon

nam207 Mon 20-Jun-16 06:53:55

Sorry you feel like this op. My son was not prem but was in nicu when he was born as he was very ill and I felt the same way.

On his first birthday I was very upset and tearful, second was a bit better and by the third there was just a touch of sadness hanging over me on the day. Now his 4 is coming up and for the first time I'm actually looking forward to it.

I'll never forget the feelings of shock and worry around his birth but as they say, time is a great healer and now I've also got a great store of funny, happy, loving memories to focus on instead. I'm sure it will be the same for you.

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