Abortion regret

[Vikimichelle]

Hi please please no grief as I can’t take anymore hopefully il explain the best I can..
I have a son with special needs he’s 2 Ive also had a late miscarriage I pined the baby I lost so badly I needed to get pregnant ASAP it happend within 6 weeks and my now one year old was born perfectly healthy and he was the only thing that eased my pain. My relationship hit rock bottom few months back and I found out I was 4 weeks pregnant I was devestated I was on the pill but a few times didn’t take it at the correct time due to all the stress of the relationship I moved out and moved into a women’s refuge with my babies.
I kept booking a termination and walking out sobbing saying it didn’t feel the right thing to do. Then last week at 11 weeks pregnant went ahead it’s literally the worst thing I have ever done. Ive now moved in with family and feel I never gave me baby a chance my ex wants to work on our relationship said it wasn’t the right tome but I can’t help but hate eveyone for not dragging me out that clinic .. I am having nightmares I can’t eat can’t sleep dreaming of the baby and just want to get pregnant Ive made a massive massive mistake people say times a healer and I made the right dicision for my living children at the time but I can’t see a way out of feeling like this I’m struggling looking at my children thinking iv took there sibling but the thought of me bringing up 3 babies potintially on my own one with needs seemed impossible ! now I think all the little things I worried about seems so small. I worry I shud be punished for what Ive done and il never get pregnant again. I had surgical treatment and worry I’ve damaged my womb. Times not really on my side I’m 32 and I just hate myself I don’t even want to be here anymore but I’d never ever leave my kids I love them too much. I’m a good mum and do my best but I genuinely cb I have done this when I’ve always been so against them. Has anyone else felt like this please no hate I hate myself I know I deserve to feel like this but I can’t genuinely live with this pain it’s horrible… thanks for reading so far and I’m really sorry if I upset anyone I thought I was doing the best for my family but now I just want my baby back!! Ps I am on contraception again now just incase anyone thinks I’m going to purposely get pregnant I’m not in the right frame of mind but I wasn’t when I made the dicision and don’t no how no one could see I was mentally struggling to dicide. 💔💔😭 Xx

All I can think about is getting pregnant ASAP but I know it’s probably not the wises thing to do. I have bad anxiety and the fear of the unknown frightens me to death please be kind xx

[Vikimichelle]

Is anyone here to talk x x

[Mrgrinch]

You could try joining a local church, some people find a lot of strength in faith in tough times

[BumbleFlump]

MrsGrinch that has to be the most bizarre and un-mumsnetty piece of advice I’ve ever read in Mumsnet ever 😯

[deathbypostitnote]

I have huge sympathy for your position. It sounds incredibly tough.

It would have been really wrong for anyone to overturn your decision to have a termination and drag you out of the clinic. It's one thing for you to make the choice to have three children, one with additional needs. That would have been your choice. It's a completely different thing for someone else to say 'No you are not allowed to have a termination, you must do this.' You can't expect someone else to take that role in your life. You mentioned that someone should have noticed you weren't in the right place emotionally to make the choice. They probably agonised over that but with every passing week, they probably figured that you would be in a worse state to choose. They seem to have watched you go back and forth aboutt this for weeks and there was not guarantee that waiting would bring further clarity. Ultimately it was your decision to make and no one could wave a wand and give you a calmer frame of mind to think about it, as helpful as it would have been for you to think things through calmly.

As hard as it was to make the call to have a termination, your family may have been concerned about how your panic and anxiety would escalate over the months ahead if you didnt' have a termination - it would have been on my mind if I had been in their position. Maybe you wouldn't have had a problem with terminating at a later stage, but it's understandable that many people would think a termination at an earlier stage (before 12 weeks) is much easier to go through with and recover from. I'm just saying it's understandable.

Personally, I don't think a different baby will help with the feelings you're having. You don't seem to be saying that you want a baby. You seem to be saying that you regret not going on with this pregnancy. That's not, in my opinion, a problem that a different pregnancy would fix, although I suppose there's a chance it might.

You have all my sympathy and I wish I had more helpful suggestions. I think you need time, some counselling and perhaps a chat with the GP about how you are feeling.

[Vikimichelle]

@deathbypostitnote

I have huge sympathy for your position. It sounds incredibly tough.

It would have been really wrong for anyone to overturn your decision to have a termination and drag you out of the clinic. It's one thing for you to make the choice to have three children, one with additional needs. That would have been your choice. It's a completely different thing for someone else to say 'No you are not allowed to have a termination, you must do this.' You can't expect someone else to take that role in your life. You mentioned that someone should have noticed you weren't in the right place emotionally to make the choice. They probably agonised over that but with every passing week, they probably figured that you would be in a worse state to choose. They seem to have watched you go back and forth aboutt this for weeks and there was not guarantee that waiting would bring further clarity. Ultimately it was your decision to make and no one could wave a wand and give you a calmer frame of mind to think about it, as helpful as it would have been for you to think things through calmly.

As hard as it was to make the call to have a termination, your family may have been concerned about how your panic and anxiety would escalate over the months ahead if you didnt' have a termination - it would have been on my mind if I had been in their position. Maybe you wouldn't have had a problem with terminating at a later stage, but it's understandable that many people would think a termination at an earlier stage (before 12 weeks) is much easier to go through with and recover from. I'm just saying it's understandable.

Personally, I don't think a different baby will help with the feelings you're having. You don't seem to be saying that you want a baby. You seem to be saying that you regret not going on with this pregnancy. That's not, in my opinion, a problem that a different pregnancy would fix, although I suppose there's a chance it might.

You have all my sympathy and I wish I had more helpful suggestions. I think you need time, some counselling and perhaps a chat with the GP about how you are feeling.

Hello Thankyou very much for your reply it means a lot .. another baby is all I can think about ..
my partner wants to make things work and said if I really want another baby we can try whenever I feel ready to come off the pill. My emotions are everywhere I hate he didn't support this baby he says bringing a baby into this mess wasnt the right thing to do and we need to see if we can work things through and if we build the bridges bring the baby into a stable environment but I know 100% I could of done it alone .. I feel so bad for what I've done. When I had my still born the only thing that helped the pain was my youngest it's such a hard thing to do I feel like a really bad person and massively regret what I've done I so wish I was still pregnant xx

[Vikimichelle]

@BumbleFlump

MrsGrinch that has to be the most bizarre and un-mumsnetty piece of advice I’ve ever read in Mumsnet ever 😯

Hello thanks for your reply but I'm not religious I really don't think it will help me in this situation but thankyou xx

[Vikimichelle]

@BumbleFlump

MrsGrinch that has to be the most bizarre and un-mumsnetty piece of advice I’ve ever read in Mumsnet ever 😯

Sorry hun I replied to the wrong post new to this haha x

[Vikimichelle]

@Mrgrinch

You could try joining a local church, some people find a lot of strength in faith in tough times

Hello I don't think it would help in my situation but thankyou I am not religious xx

[romdowa]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. All i can suggest is the old cliche of time and some grief counselling. I do hope that you can move past this ❤❤

[MargaretFraggle]

OP, FWIW I think you did the right thing, in your situation, i.e. relationship at rock bottom, in a refuge, two very young kids one with additional needs. You are not a bad person. Clearly at the time you felt it was the right thing to do so please hold on to that. Concentrate on yourself and your existing kids. Another baby in the future is still a possibility but you do seem to have an awful lot on your plate right now

[Vikimichelle]

@romdowa

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. All i can suggest is the old cliche of time and some grief counselling. I do hope that you can move past this ❤❤

Thankyou very much I am having councilling but when I look at my kids etc I break down I know 100% this baby would of been loved I was so stressed out at the time and felt like I had no way out if only I could of left it a few more weeks :( I feel I've lost my chance in having a 3rd I shud be a mum to 4 babies :( I have two they are my world but I do think a baby will fill the missing hole I have I cry all the time it's really effecting my life. I cannot blame anyone for the dicision I made and I know that I just feel like I was being manipulated a bit when I was at my most vulnerable to have a termination and concentrate on the children I have :( I did really want the baby just didn't have the support at the time and now I feel weak because women do it alone all the time xxx I've practically brought these two up alone :( xxx

[Hsurbbrb]

What was happening in the relationship for you to end up in a refuge? It doesn’t sound like you should be considering having another relationship with this man.

[romdowa]

You are beating yourself up so much. As you said you were in a vunerable place , no support and I think you said you have a child already with high needs. Some women do go it alone, some do a fantastic job but others don't and their children suffer for it. You put your current children first and I think that makes you an amazing mother, you knew at the time that it would have such an impact on them. Be kind to yourself, work on getting yourself into a better place where you would be able to cope with another child. You'll never forget your third baby , I just think it wasn't meant to be at the time.

[AyyX]

I worry I shud be punished for what Ive done and il never get pregnant again.

Awww don’t think like this! You did what you thought was best for you in that time so don’t be hard on yourself.
I think it’s best you get your mind right first and heal from your trauma before thinking about anything else. 32 is still young so don’t worry about “time not being on your side”.
Hope you find some help and feel better.

[Naijagal]

@Vikimichelle So sorry for what you are going through but you don’t have to be religious to find comfort through a Christian community. It’s worth the try.
Or you can just cry out to God / Jesus to help you in your private place.

[Vikimichelle]

@MargaretFraggle

OP, FWIW I think you did the right thing, in your situation, i.e. relationship at rock bottom, in a refuge, two very young kids one with additional needs. You are not a bad person. Clearly at the time you felt it was the right thing to do so please hold on to that. Concentrate on yourself and your existing kids. Another baby in the future is still a possibility but you do seem to have an awful lot on your plate right now

Thankyou very much for your reply I just feel so alone I feel I made a rash dicision instead of thinking I had months to get settled in my new house etc I do have a house it's just being renovated xx
I was under so much pressure and now feel I did the wrong thing xxx

[Patapouf]

I'm sorry you regret your choice OP, your situation sounds really difficult. Try seeking some counselling via your GP, to come to terms with both your decision and maybe your view of seeing a baby as a means of fulfilling your needs.

You can't blame anyone else for it, it's nobody's job to stop you. It does sound like you did the oldest possible thing for you and your children in your circumstances.

[Vikimichelle]

@Hsurbbrb

What was happening in the relationship for you to end up in a refuge? It doesn’t sound like you should be considering having another relationship with this man.

Basically the house was being sold so I needed somewhere to live anyway there was never any violence just a lot of silent treatment / arguing he was locking me out etc they put it down to mental emotional abuse .
Tbh I think they made it sound worse than what it is..
We are friends again now not in a relationship I'm just seeing how things go I'm not Nieave and have my eyes open he's just saying he dosent cate how long it takes to get his family back even if it's 12months if I give him a chance hel prove I made the right choice and he wants to change he didn't no what he had until it was gone and took advantage from my good nature .. my heads just a mess xx

[YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet]

Hello @Vikimichelle we're just moving this to Pregnancy Choices.

[Vikimichelle]

@YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet

Hello *@Vikimichelle* we're just moving this to Pregnancy Choices.

Okay will I still come to this thread for the reply's ? New to this so not sure how it works xx

[Vikimichelle]

I really appreciate all your messages of support and thanks for no one being to hard on me , I know a lot of people don't agree with them ( for me personally ) and tbh neither did I but now I can defo see women ( most ) don't make this dicision lightly ... no one actually wants to be in this position although it's something I will never put myself through again :( xx

[Vikimichelle]

@Zebra13

Hi *@Vikimichelle*, i'm so sorry you are hurting. I am in a similar situation, with a termination that was regretted, ( and my circumstances were not nearly as hard as yours).

I have spoken to Arch, ( abortion recovery care helpline), three times now, and each time have found them beyond compassionate and excellent. It's basically a helpline for people who regret having a termination, a lot of the volunteers, ( although not all), have experienced a termination they regret themselves, so really understand where you are coming from. They spoke to me for over an hour, and were not at all judgemental about my situation, ( and in mine, as I wasn't using contraception, there was a lot to be judgemental about). They have volunteers available 365 days a year, 7-10pm, 0345 603 8501. They gave me as long as I needed, ( over an hour), each of the three times I phoned, ( and there's no limit to how many times you can phone either).

Thankyou so much il 100% ring tomorrow I can't cope with this guilt it's awful I'm so sorry you went through it too and regret your dicision xxx