What does being ready feel like?

[BrimfulOfBaba]

DP and I are talking about TTC shortly after our wedding this summer. We know we want kids in our future and I'm turning 33 so don't want to wait too long.

I'm conflicted on whether or not I'm ready to give up our lifestyle and having each other to ourselves. And also I'm not sure if I'm ready for the reality of a baby and I don't know if my broodiness is what you're supposed to "feel" when you're ready?

I love the thought of a little baby, watching it grow up, hopefully seeing what a mix of me and DP will look like. But how do you know you're ready to be a mother? What did you all feel when you knew you were ready? Or what does wanting children feel like for you?

[Popcornbetty]

I started feeling 'ready' at 30, i would get broody seeing babies (something i'd never experienced EVER!) It also felt like me and dh had someone missing. We would look at the spare bedrooms and picture children in them and being a family. I'm now 34 with 2 dc and feel very complete.
Having dc is honestly the best thing I've ever done but i realise it isn't for everyone.
You never really know for certain i don't think or feel old enough but eventually i guess it comes down to do you want children? Its perfectly fine not to have them.

[BrimfulOfBaba]

Thanks @Popcornbetty. I get so broody when I see babies but I don't feel like anything is missing from my life. At the moment I'm worried I'll resent something bt changing what life is like. I'm hoping that changes.

[PurBal]

I don't think you do feel ready per say. DH and I knew we wanted children eventually. My coil was due out, I'd turned 30, DH is 7 years older than me. We thought it would take some time too. I think it was a bit like "if not now, when?"

[sabrinathemiddleagewitch]

What's your lifestyle like OP? How much would it realistically change?

[PolarnOPirate]

Do you have certain career goals you want to get out the way? Travel dreams you want to do now-ish? Are you on the property ladder/have a big enough rental etc?

You can have babies without these of course but might be areas of your life that you subconsciously feel you want to fulfil before you have kids.

Also, it is fine to choose not to have kids. If you imagine yourself 10 years in the future and somehow you find out to can’t have kids - would you be gutted? I’m going through health stuff at the mo and if I am infertile I will be fucking gutted (already have 2 so I’m just greedy; but it might be a helpful thing to consider for you)

[BrimfulOfBaba]

After a few years of being in a bad place with finances and self esteem, my career is in a really good place, DP and I have just bought a lovely forever home, big enough for a couple of kids, and we adore each other. I feel so lucky to have all this.

I had really bad experiences when I was younger - a violent sibling and a self esteem crushing mother. I suppose I worry that I have an idealised vision of sweet cuddly babies who grow into adults who I can have a good relationship with. I know that might not happen and then I'd be giving up the life I have now for something that might be disappointing. Which feels selfish.

I really appreciate the questions and perspectives, they help a lot. Even writing this out has made me feel I would like the chance to be a mother and shape a life, even if I can't control how that might turn out.

[BrimfulOfBaba]

Also, it is fine to choose not to have kids. If you imagine yourself 10 years in the future and somehow you find out to can’t have kids - would you be gutted?
@PolarnOPirate good point. I would be gutted to not have the chance and I think I would want to adopt if that was the case. That reaction in itself tells me that maybe I'm not far off being ready!

[GreenLeafTurnip]

I don't agree with the poster who said you don't feel ready. I felt ready for years before having my son but my husband wasn't. It wasn't until we found out that his sister that fallen pregnant accidentally and I was absolutely devastated that he finally decided he was ready as well. I think with everything in life, everyone is different. Only you can decide if you are ready for a baby, no one else.

[KylieKangaroo]

I never felt 'ready' OP, expecting my second now and still don't feel ready for that one either! You say you are feeling broody so I think you're already half way there!

[sabrinathemiddleagewitch]

@BrimfulOfBaba Please don't feel like your experiences as a child will make you an inadequate parent. You know what it's like to be emotionally harmed and you will likely have a greater emotional awareness to this with your own children. You may end up with fantastic relationships and a strong bond.

[SkankingMopoke]

I never felt 'ready' or broody, but then I never wanted babies. I always wanted children but babies didn't interested me. When I thought about how I wanted my future to be, it had children and later adult children in it. To get the children I had to have the babies first... We made sure the boring grown up stuff was ready though: secure home (as much as it can be), some savings, life insurance, married etc.
I think you can tie yourself in knots trying to work out if you're ready. There will always be something that will/could make you more prepared, or more things to experience first. No matter what age you are, they are going to turn your life upside down. If I waited until I felt truly ready I'm not sure I'd have had DCs.


NB: It turns out I quite enjoyed DCs as babies (excluding the first 4 months of DD1, which was brutal with few redeeming points), but I'm still not keen on babies generally. The toddler years turned out to be an unexpected joy - they might be a nightmare at times, but are generally very funny and lovely... I even like other people's toddlers since experiencing my own! We are now in 'child' phase, which is shaping up to be the best yet (so far!) 😊