Don't know what to do- abort or keep? 8 weeks

[jb5212]

Hi, first time posting here and just joined today so hope I'm posting in the right place. This is a bit of a long one, sorry- I don't know how to shorten it any more!

I am currently 8 weeks pregnant- well, I've 'completed' 8 weeks and at the start of 9th so 8, right? I don't really have a clue about any of this. Myself and my boyfriend found out 3 weeks ago and have been unable to decide what to do. We've been together just short of a year, and from the start we knew neither of us wanted kids at all, so this was pretty unexpected as we both have an extremely low chance of conceiving anyways.

He has come to the conclusion that he would like to keep the baby, but is extremely supportive of me and insists he would still love and support me if I decided I couldn't go through with it. (Doesn't stop me worrying though. I can't shake the feeling that it's all on me if this pregnancy is terminated, and I'd be letting him down now he has this new found desire to be a dad..)
I have known my whole life I didn't want to have kids and constantly had to justify this to those around me, and it just made me more certain- this pregnancy feels like a bit of a cosmic joke at my stubborn expense. I've never been interested in kids- playing with family children has been boring, and the snot, tears and nappies are just gross to me. I always wanted to live my life for myself and my partner, to have the freedom to do what we want, and not have the constant worry of looking after a child. Don't get me wrong- I know that myself and my boyfriend would be great parents, it just isn't something I've ever wanted for myself. I had just started to get the life I wanted together, and I'm now looking at the fact I might never get that life back again if I go through with this.

There's also the financial aspect- myself and my boyfriend are both bartenders, currently furloughed and not too confident about returning to work anytime soon although very grateful to still have jobs. If we were to continue with this pregnancy, what happens if the company we both work for goes bust before bars/pubs/restaurants reopen? The job market would be impossible and we'd have 3 of us to feed.

I don't think we're really ready- not financially or mentally. I've realised that although I still don't like the idea of being a mum, I do like the idea of having a family with my OH- so I wonder if I'd come around to it. I wish this was happening a year later, just to give me a chance to live my life a little. I'm only 21, I've not done anything I wanted to yet and feel like I've only just established my 'adult' life after being a student for a while.

Despite all this, I'm finding it really hard to come to terms with an abortion- I'm pro choice and I think it would probably be the right choice for me now, but the idea of suddenly just getting rid of this baby, never meeting it, never giving it the chance to exist.. it's harrowing. I do get giddy and excited looking at my stomach, I wonder what it would be like and I get so excited thinking about my OH being a great dad. I want to want it all. I know I need to decide soon because I don't want a surgical abortion, only medical.

I don't really know what to do from here- I'm terrified of hating my life if I keep it, but I'm terrified of the abortion process and the regret and never knowing if I don't.

Hand holds and help needed

[seensome]

Decide on what you want even if your boyfriend is happy, ultimately it's you that will go through pregnancy and work part time? Unless you can both juggle shifts between you. Do you have a supportive family too? I did also get pregnant at 21 and kept the baby, he's now 18 but I did have other family support at the time, I couldn't of done it without them, I think supportive network around you is important at your age.
You'll decide what you feel is right for you, good luck.

[yasrose91]

hey....i have just had a termination myself. I am 29 and I know I am still not ready. for me i have a gut feeling that this is the right thing to do, even though i cant wait to have a family and bring up children with my boyfriend, we still have so much we want to achieve in life. I still feel so young!
I feel like you should go with your gut. whatever your decision is, you may always have that thought 'am i doing the right thing' but its whatever feels right for you. what are your plans for the future? will a child benefit your future together? i feel like the answer is there somewhere, you just need to ask yourself. And dont stress on whatever decision you make, there is no right or wrong x