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Pregnant again after termination and so confused

(23 Posts)
ScaredyCat40 Mon 04-Jan-21 15:05:46

I find myself in a heartbreaking situation. I am 8 weeks pregnant and feel like I’ve made a huge mistake (based on trying to right a past mistake).
Last year I found myself pregnant at the start of the pandemic with 2 little ones already and feeling scared about the unknown effects of Covid. I was so scared of anything impacting my current family negatively. I made the awful decision to terminate very early on and felt immense time pressure as thought i could justify it more if it was within 6 weeks.
Since that moment I felt I needed to be pregnant again. Turning 40 and living with that regret was so hard.
This is going to sound absolutely awful and I hope I won’t be judged too harshly but we got pregnant first time and it’s all terrifying again. My husband wasn’t sure he wants 3 but was happy enough to. However now being pregnant again all those intense fears of I might die of covid in the third trimester and leave my young kids behind or the baby might be badly disabled and impact my current kids lives has all come flooding back. I also worry it may impact the relationship my kids have with each other and that it’ll be too stressful for my husband with three. It’s awful. It’s all I think every minute of the day. I feel so confused and should have seeked counselling earlier. Has anyone got any advice please or been in a similar situation?

OP’s posts: |
laura212 Mon 04-Jan-21 17:52:46

Do you have any serious medical issues that put you at risk? I’ve been pregnant during this whole pandemic and have been fine - with an underlying condition. It is a scary time but also remember that the risk mainly lies with older people and those with serious medical conditions. I think with every pregnancy you worry about something that might go wrong or the baby being unwell. I wouldn’t purely base the decision on that because the odds are absolutely in your favour. If you attend your regular screenings and scans, you should be fine. It’s really your decision but it sounds like you didn’t do well after your previous termination. Take your time to decide and weigh up your options but don’t just focus on the bad that’s currently happening because odds are overwhelmingly in your favour.

Mabelface Mon 04-Jan-21 17:56:04

So many what ifs, lovely. What if everything turns out to be absolutely fine? It might be with having a chat with your gp about these intrusive thoughts and get some counselling as soon as you can to help ease your anxieties. Best of luck to you.

ScaredyCat40 Mon 04-Jan-21 21:07:02

@laura212 thank you so much for your kind response. No I don’t have any underlying health issues that I know of. My age scares me as they say over 35 is higher risk if pregnant with covid. I think I’m clearly panicking and just want to do the best for my family. This new lockdown and variant scares me. At least I can keep safer but it’s all a bit overwhelming.

@Mabelface thank you that’s so kind. You are right. It could be really lovely. I just can’t seem to see the positive at the moment. Hoping it’s hormones and they’ll settle. I emailed the midwife team today as I’ve not had a booking appointment yet and mentioned I’m feeling anxious. Perhaps if I speak to them it’ll help clear my mind a bit. I had lovely straight forward pregnancies with my two so I don’t know why I’m so terrified. I think my husband is scared incase 3 is too hard so I think that’s scaring me too and my two get along so well.
Thanks for all your support. I hope the next few days I feel more optimistic as I don’t want to make a decision I can’t put right. I just don’t know what is best for my family at the moment x

OP’s posts: |
Eightfive Mon 04-Jan-21 22:49:17

Hi @ScaredyCat40 I am in exactly the same situation, have 2 dcs and had I medical abortion early last year at 5w, and am now 7weeks after deciding to plan a pregnancy because I couldn’t shake it off. I have felt very up and down about it but as the last few weeks have gone on I’m definitely getting much calmer and starting to relax despite the lockdown news! The best advice I can give you is the advice I am trying to live by myself which is to take it one day at a time and try not to catastrophise and panic. The hormones and feeling rubbish of the first weeks of pregnancy do not help this at all.
In this very uncertain world one thing we absolutely need is our families as the world is so much smaller and so I’m hanging on to that idea that our family will have gained a member, a positive and exciting experience for all of us.

ScaredyCat40 Tue 05-Jan-21 08:02:27

@Eightfive thank you for sharing your experience. I’m sorry you’ve had a tough year too. Your message has really helped calm me. To know there’s someone else out there experiencing the same and being really strong and thinking positive, despite feeling up and down. I think I have got myself into a bit of a spin and am feeling a bit clearer today. One big reason for another child was because I have quite a small family the older I get and I would love my children to have siblings. I really hope I can keep feeling more positive now and I wish you lots of luck with your pregnancy x

OP’s posts: |
Eightfive Tue 05-Jan-21 11:22:56

So glad it's helped you - it's helped me too to know I'm not completely alone in this experience! Definitely seek out support from your GP/midwife if you are struggling though.Wishing you all the best for your pregnancy. x

Urbanewell3 Sat 16-Jan-21 22:44:11

How’re you doing? Have you emailed your midwife team yet? I hope you’ve been able to talk with someone and are feeling more confident.
As others have mentioned, try not to think of all that could go wrong. Most likely everything will be fine. And you’ll be so happy you have another brother or sister for your current children. I know one regret I had was I was unable to have a sibling for my son. And he has no cousins either.
Just take it one day at a time and you’ll be fine. If you terminate, you’ll have more pain and regret from this second abortion.
I just wanted to offer some support with whatever decision you make. I can understand your concerns, as there’s a lot of uncertainty in the world right now – then again, isn’t there always. This year there’s more, no doubt about it but I see it as a quantitative rather than a qualitative difference. People have been starting families and growing families (and having abortions...) (and making every other kind of life decision...) in all kinds of favorable and unfavorable conditions since the beginning of human history.
Don’t give the virus, or external circumstances, that kind of power over your family and your choices.
To be clear, I’m not saying you should or shouldn’t have an abortion or have your baby, and I’m not saying you’d be a good or bad person as a result of either option. It’s your decision in the end. Wherever you are in your journey, I hope all is going well for you!
Take care and I certainly wish you all the best. Would like to know how you’re doing if you would care to keep in touch! XX

ScaredyCat40 Sun 17-Jan-21 07:51:54

@Urbanewell3 thank you for your message. I’m 11 weeks now already and feeling a lot better thanks. Much more positive if not a little scared at times. However the anxiety has calmed. Midwifes must be really busy as I don’t have my booking appointment until 12 weeks. I’m very glad I didn’t rush into anything and that I posted on here for some support. I realise I am very lucky to fall pregnant and be able to give my children siblings. You are so right about hard times and we carry on. It all feels a lot to deal with now but so was world war 1 and 2 and babies were born. Thank you for your kind words. Wishing you well x

OP’s posts: |
Anony79 Sun 17-Jan-21 11:23:12

Hi @ScaredyCat40 I'm glad youre feeling better. Do you think your feelings were hormonal with this pregnancy and you feel better now because they've levelled out?

The reason I ask is my first 2 i was convinced I wanted an abortion until 10 weeks then bam woke up sickness went and I really wanted them. So I had 2 daughters. I fell pregnant last year and partly due to being high risk I couldn't shake the feeling it was overwhelming and I decided to terminate....for a few reasons and I dont regret it at all. It was definitely right for us.

We've decided we may start trying again at the end of this year, and I want to speak with midwives and maybe a counsellor before hand, but I guess I'm worried ill have this horrendous anxiety again and feel like I want to terminate. Your post sounds a lot like my feelings everytime I'm pregnant so was just really interested in why you think you started feeling better. I definitely do not want to have another termination but I am scared. Part of me thinks do I just not plan anymore but I think I will always regret it x

ScaredyCat40 Sun 17-Jan-21 12:54:56

@Anony79 I really am starting to think it must have all been hormonal. I didn’t have it with my first two but last time and this time the sheer anxiety has been really tough. I think a third feels like a risk I didn’t need to take when I’ve got a happy family so that probably contributed. It has really calmed down now though. If I’d known I would feel this way about it I’d have definitely got some counselling first as I’ve found this really hard to keep going with but am now really glad I did. You sound in a very similar position to what I’ve been in. I really hope you can find some peace with a decision as I found going back and forward not knowing what to do to be really hard. Hormones have a lot to answer for x

OP’s posts: |
Anony79 Sun 17-Jan-21 13:33:59

I think you're right. I accepted the risk with my second case wanted a sibling for my daughter. Im getting scanned for a potential dvt today and to be honest if it is one I'll probably just not have anymore kids cause its another risk factor just thrown in. Should get results tomorrow. Hoping its not. Thank you I will definitely try and speak to someone sooner rather than later. Youre right they really do. I have a couple of friends who almost had a termination as their hormones were going mental. Im glad I was able to tell them just to make sure it wasn't that. They both felt much better at about 12 weeks and decided to keep
. Scary the affect they can have. That's why I held out as long as I could with my termination just to make sure it was what I wanted x

SaraJune36 Mon 01-Feb-21 06:04:10

@ScaredyCat40 Hi Scaredycat, I just posted a similar question... I had a termination about six months ago and now deeply regret it. I am thinking about trying again this spring, and was looking for other’s experiences. How did you cope when you had those bad thoughts this second time during the early weeks? Did becoming pregnant make you feel worse or conflicted about the previous termination? I completely identified with your post and thought I would reach out. Thanks so much.

Sia07 Mon 01-Feb-21 09:28:23

Hi lovely

Sorry to hear your having a hard time with anxiety, I felt exactly how you did, I got pregnant during the pandemic and I was terrified! I ended up having pre eclampsia at 35 weeks and gestational diabetes, I was in hospitals for a week and even with the complications I went on to deliver fine naturally, I just want to say you will be fine honestly the doctors and nurses are well trained and they take really good care of you. smile

Covid is awful and I know the fear around it, I think it's normal to have those thought during these times, I wa always thinking am I going to get through this okay but with covid you have to remember it effects everyone different and you could be a carrier or you might even get it mild if you do get it. Try and focus on the positive and definitely talk to your midwife and keep in touch with your friends, it helps to talk to people when your anxious.

I hope everything goes well for you xxx

ScaredyCat40 Tue 02-Feb-21 13:34:01

@SaraJune36 I’m sorry you’re going through this also. That feeling of regret is awful. I felt like I couldn’t get over it. However being pregnant again wasn’t an immediate fix - in fact I felt worse for a good couple of months. Why did this one deserve a chance when the situation wasn’t any different now and so many thoughts of I don’t deserve a happy healthy baby but I finally feel that I’ve been given this chance and I’m going to embrace it. I do feel better now - the anxiety has eased and I’ve had a scan and seen the baby which has helped me bond and now finally although still freaked out by covid I feel excited to meet this baby. I didn’t get help for anxiety in the first few weeks and I should have and I’d advise it if you feel anxious as I could have easily made the same irreversible decision again. I really hope you come to a decision - it really isn’t an easy one to make after a termination. Wishing you all the best. xx

@Sia07 thank you so much for your message. So pleased to hear you got through a challenging time and all was well. Covid has caused a lot of fear and fingers crossed most of us will avoid it. I have had a few appointments now and they do make me anxious being in busy places but I also feel a bit more confident now through the first trimester. Wishing you and your baby lots of happiness xx

OP’s posts: |
Sia07 Sun 07-Feb-21 21:26:02

Thank you so much, great to hear you have appointments coming up, i pray that you meet good docotors and midwifes who will give you all the support you need for your journey, I wish you all the best with your pregnancy xxx

AnnaliseH Mon 08-Feb-21 22:08:46

@ScaredyCat40, am so glad I have found your post! Am in a very similar situation by the sound of it. Not pregnant yet though, am just letting it be a little and see what happens. Nearing forty too...

Good to hear you are doing well now! Stay strong and I hope you feel truly calm and happy soon!!

SaraJune36 Tue 09-Feb-21 19:12:07

@Anony79 I had a termination in September and now regret it more than anything ever in my life. Wondering how you decided to proceed after the scan you had recently? Wondering how to come to terms with trying again?

Coffee247 Tue 09-Feb-21 19:17:55

Hi @SaraJune36 the scan for dvt was negative thank goodness. But I've really f'd up as I got the depo injection after the termination so could have screwed myself up for trying for a year... hope not thoughsad only recently found out how much it can affect ttc. Im so sorry youre feeling regret. We would have found the gender out this week and I've found that really tough. Do u think you will try again ? X

SaraJune36 Tue 09-Feb-21 19:39:52

@Coffee247 I am so unsure about trying again. I want to, but I am very scared of how I felt before. A few things have changed for me since I had the termination in September... I work in healthcare and am in the process of being vaccinated ( I was really scared of Covid when I was pregnant) and I also got a new job that I enjoy more. The other fear I had was the amount of work that falls on me (husband is workaholic) and the age gap between my kids (7.5 and 9). So those are the fear I have to figure out and decide. What are your thoughts these days?

SaraJune36 Tue 09-Feb-21 19:44:24

@Coffee247 I do wonder if having another will help close out this terrible chapter of my life but I want to do it for the wrong reasons - wanting another child. I am trying to give myself time to heal but it has been hard.

Coffee247 Wed 10-Feb-21 07:04:23

I think you're doing the best thing and taking time rather than rushing into a decision. In a way I'm glad the contraceptive shot has taken away my ability to rush into anything but the fact I'm so down about the fact it could have messed up my fertility shows I do want another. I always did but the risks specifically with my last pregnancy were too much. I do worry the same will happen again.

If you imagine yourself taking a test and it being positive , or having the 12 week scan how do you feel?

I think all we can do is take time, try to put it out of our mind for a while ( I can't even take that advice though as its on my mind constantly) and try to really envisage how we would feel about another.

One thing I am going to do is try to get a meeting with a midwife, or potentially consultant before getting pregnant to talk through risks and options if the same was to happen again. I couldn't get a meeting until past what would have been the 16 week mark and I didnt want to wait that long to terminate. So I'm going to be proactive this time.

Could you meet with someone to talk through how you're feeling? X

SaraJune36 Wed 10-Feb-21 16:58:43

@Coffee247 Thanks for your advice. Yes, I am going to wait awhile and stay on my birth control until we are 100% positive we want to try again. I think like you say, it is good to have something almost forcing you to take your time. I am working with a counselor once per week and that has been good to get the feelings off my chest but I am still processing a lot. Time will make things better and less intense and hopefully I will have a clearer mind at that time.

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