Confused and full of regret

[MHHM1234]

Hello, this is the first time I'm posting on here so unsure how it all works.

Early November, I found out that I was pregnant. Having only been with my partner for less than I year I went into complete shock/meltdown. Everything had moved quite quickly in our relationship thus far, we got our first house together earlier on in the summer and have spent our entire relationship in lockdown. I know that he is the person that I want to have children with and get married to, but it all just felt too soon. I'm only 24, we'd never been away together, we just had not experienced much life together. I knew that I was not ready for a baby, but also felt that I could not get rid of one either. I had only just reached a place in my life where I felt truly happy as I had spent a lot of my teenage years a recluse due to issues with my body image and eating disorders.

After a few weeks of confusion, tears, uncertainty, research, panic, we decided on a medical abortion. We went to the hospital appointment, I had a panic attack and the nurse refused to administer the medication as I was so emotional and unsure about what we were doing. She gave me a few days to think about my options and called back a couple of days later, only giving me 15 minutes to decide if I were to return to the hospital or not. I completely panicked and decided to go. This is the worst mistake I have EVER made. I feel so selfish.

I am really struggling to come to terms with what I have done, and massively regret my decision. I wish that I had listened to my heart instead of my head. I feel that everyone around me who knows deep down knew I was making the wrong choice out of stress. I don't know where to turn. I am scared that I will have ruined my fertility and spend all day thinking about my baby, I never thought this would be this hard.

I was just wondering if there was anybody else who had been in this position, just so full of regret? I hate myself for what I've done. I can't see my life beyond this and don't ever think I will forgive myself. I really need help. I should be announcing my pregnancy next week, but I am still bleeding. All I see is people announcing pregnancies and having babies and all I can think is were they surprise babies too? I would do anything to have my surprise back. Hindsight can be an extremely painful thing.

I want to try for a baby so that the milestones of my due date etc are not so hard, if I have another due date to look forward to and something to distract me from the pain I have caused myself. In my head, we didn't plan for this now, so if we try for another soon, I'd be able to pretend I never did this? Or do I wait until we can have some more time together first, or until next September so all my milestones align just a year later than should be? I'm just looking for advice and to see if anybody can offer any guidance or experience on overcoming this.

Please be kind, I am fragile and I am grieving and I hate myself more than I thought ever to be possible. I feel so alone, I feel stupid and confused and feel like I can not live with what I have done.

Thanks in advance. X

[Nowifi]

Oh bless you, I have been where you are and it's awful. I remember thinking I'd never ever get over it and I could not imagine myself being happy ever again.

Your fertility will not be ruined, I have gone onto have a child after a termination as have many others.

Please be kind to yourself as you are still so early days and your hormones are most likely all over the place. Do you have access to any counselling? Have you told your boyfriend how you feel? Getting pregnant again so soon is most likely a knee jerk reaction to replace the baby in a way, not that it's wrong to do that as I'm sure many others have but maybe you should give yourself time to recover first and once your hormones are a bit more settled you may be able to look at things more logically x

[MHHM1234]

@Nowifi

Thank you so much for responding, it is really helpful to know that I'm not the only one who has regretted this so deeply.

I have been referred to therapy by my GP, but access to mental health support is not the best where I live, so I imagine it will be sometime before I am able to speak to anybody.

My boyfriend knows how I feel and is so so supportive, he also now feels like we've made the wrong choice after seeing how I've coped with it. He is open to trying again when we're ready, but wants to go on holiday and have some time to be us beforehand but equally wants to do whatever we need to to get me through if that makes sense?

I completely agree with you that this is all hormone related to some extent and a knee jerk reaction. After all, I just didn't feel ready and nothing has changed now other than knowing I would have been ok and realising just how much I wanted this baby. Also just feel its such a hard time of year, having to put on a brave face etc... at one point I'd thought about announcing our pregnancy to our family and friends over Christmas but now I'm hiding away from everybody instead.

I'm so ashamed about what I've done, I've been signed off from work for the second time so people are starting to question what is going on but I just don't want to share this with the world so it is difficult.

Really appreciate your reply so thank you again x

[Nowifi]

Please don't feel ashamed, you've done nothing wrong apart from make the best decision you could at the time. I'm glad your boyfriend is there for you.

It's so hard when you are going through it, you feel like it will never get easier or better but it will. Feel free to PM me if you need to x

[frolicmum]

Please give yourself time to grieve, you're not a bad person, don't hate yourself. In that moment, it felt like the sensible decision and that's ok. We never know how we would feel after such a life changing decision. Give yourself time to heal - you haven't ruined anything.

You sound like a lovely young woman with a loving boyfriend. Have you spoken to someone you trust about this? Your mother, your best friend? Someone who can support you?

[saffire]

Bless you. I think your boyfriend is right, have a holiday, have a bit of time just the two of you before you try.
You were treated appallingly by the sounds of it - that has undoubtedly made things harder than they should've been for you.
You need to remember that this doesn't mean that you can't try in the future - and when you do you know that it will be the right time for you.

[MHHM1234]

@frolicmum Thank you for your message. It all feels very strange allowing myself the time to grieve a choice that I made and pain that I caused myself.
I've spoken to two girls at work who have been in a similar position, but both were in their teens when it happened to them. I guess that only makes it harder as it is a genuine reason why whereas I have a good career, I've been to uni, own my own home with my boyfriend, I'm not in an abusive relationship, know who the father is etc etc... just never thought I would be capable of doing this. I've really shocked myself that I went through with it. I
did also reach out to my mum who was originally supportive, but post termination has turned around and said she wanted me to keep the baby the whole time and knew I was making a mistake, which is hard to hear as I'd asked her for help numerous times and said to her I wish somebody else could make the choice for us. I don't know if it is to make myself feel somewhat better but since that conversation I've avoided talking to her as I feel she could have stepped in and prevented this from happening. I was just so scared but looking back it was the shock of the pregnancy and I would have been ok.

@saffire Thank you for your message, it is really appreciated that people have taken the time to reach out. On reflection, I do feel that the way the hospital dealt with this was not ok, they knew I was putting myself under a lot of pressure so that did not make. it any easier. I really hope that I don't have any issues in the future, just feels a little bit odd as this will always be my first baby and first pregnancy.

[frolicmum]

You sound very much like me, we went to university but I don't think I would have been ready for a child at 24 (we did buy our house at 27 to be fair) and we're in London. I never fell pregnant previously, so I do not know what it's like to go through something like this. I had my first child at 29 and I genuinely think I was at this age mentally in a way better position, at 24, I wanted to travel still, see the world, and just be free, I cannot tell you what decision I would have made but I probably would have gone down the same route as you. Your life changes so much with a child, people told me it would but I had no clue until he arrived.

Give yourself time to process what you are going through, grieve and take time, it will get better. This is not a place for blame, not yourself, not your mother - even she might be confused and doesn't know what to feel or say. Maybe when the situation has calmed down explain to her that what she is now saying does not help you and what she her motive is to say such things. All she should be doing is support you in my opinion.

I would like to give you the biggest hug virtually and enjoy your Christmas with your family. Maybe it's time for your mum and you to hug each other and grieve together because from the sounds of it, she might be in need of that hug as well.

[MHHM1234]

@frolicmum

You're right, it just did not feel like the right time at all and I was petrified of what people would think, how I would feel, how a baby would change my perfect relationship. I got myself so wound up that I just couldn't see an end result either way, I pictured myself with a baby and I pictured myself without, but just stupidly assumed my life would be normal again but was so so so wrong. All I do is think about being a mum and having a baby now. People have been in much worse positions than me and have been ok!

You're also right about my mum, it just hurts me to know that I've caused pain to those around me as much as I have to myself. It would have been her first grandchild as much as it would have been my first baby and neither of us will get that back. Just makes me feel very very selfish as I know she would have supported us. I would just do anything to get my baby back and feel like I'm living in a nightmare that never ends.

Thank you for your kind words, wishing you and your family a happy and healthy Christmas x

[ZAK3]

@MHHM1234 Just to say you are not alone this is probably the part just not talked about sadly & if some of us had a crystal ball to look into post abortion we probably wouldn’t have gone through with it , our situations aren’t the same but like you i suffered massively afterwards & am still having counselling 1 year on , i fell out with some people close to me because of it & I also totally understand about your mum , mine came with me but there is still alot of hurt there ( to do with comments etc) that I regularly talk about in my counselling sessions but I don’t think my mum has any idea what I really truly feel, i hope you start your healing process there is no time limit feel free to pm me if you ever want to chat xx

[Mel1917]

Just jumping on to say I'm so sorry you feel like this and that you are struggiling. Although circumstances are a little different I have been through the same. I read a sentence on here by another user that really stuck with me so thought I'd share.

" I cannot look back now with a rational mind to something that wasn't rational at the time"

Hopefully you can find some peace in that sentence somewhere xx