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Completely torn about what to do

(12 Posts)
tct131416 Fri 11-Dec-20 16:34:45

I am looking for other people’s opinions/experiences. I’m at a complete loss.

I am 8 weeks pregnant (unplanned) with my partner of less than a year. We lived together for a few months after my house purchase fell through, I have just bought another one and moved in last week. I have 3 kids and he has 2 (age range 4 – 10). We both have shared 50/50 custody with the other parent. My children are with my ex-husband who I separated from 2 years ago.

My partner point blank doesn’t want me to proceed with the pregnancy – he is extremely black and white about it saying it’s just a cluster of cells at this point.

My relationship with my partner is on the whole has been pretty solid, we have discussed marriage and made plans for joint ventures in the future etc etc but it has suffered immensely since finding out about the pregnancy 3 weeks ago to the point where we now aren’t even talking. I feel like he is being extremely unsupportive/unsympathetic on every level and he thinks I am acting like a demanding/needy cow versus my usual relaxed and stable self (I think this is half pregnancy hormones and half my upset at his reaction to the pregnancy).

So I find myself completely lost at what to do. Half of the time I think I should do as he wants and have a termination and the other half of the time I think I shouldn’t. Practically speaking it would be the much more sensible option. If my partner and I stay together we’ll have 6 kids between us and it is already a very stressful atmosphere when they’re all together. If we don’t stay together, I will have 4 kids on my own. Looking back over raising babies before, my ex-husband was/is a very hands on dad and I don’t think I would have coped without that support. Also, looking at the financial side of things, I would need support from my partner who I think would strongly fight this as he doesn’t even want the baby. He is almost certainly returning to his home country on the other side of the world in the next few years (we had hoped to do this together before all this) so I think I would struggle to get any financial help from him once that happens without lengthy legals involved.

I made an appointment with BPAS to actually proceed with an abortion which I had yesterday and they’re actually doing the pills by post at the moment so they’re due to arrive imminently.

I personally don’t want an abortion as prior to this I did see us staying together and we’re both pretty experienced in the parenting field so whilst not ideal/planned, I didn’t find the news the end of the world. In an ideal situation, my partner would have said he’s there no matter what and we’ll figure it out together but he hasn’t and I’m going firmly against his wishes if I proceed with the pregnancy.

Please be kind with your replies, I am absolutely all over the place at the moment with all this and I really feel like I’m losing it sometimes. I just don’t know which way to turn.

OP’s posts: |
eyestotheskies Sat 12-Dec-20 09:10:06

OP, I have just been through an almost identical scenario with my unplanned pregnancy- I found myself unexpectedly pregnant with a boyfriend of less than a year, i have 3 children from my precious relationship, he has two, ages 3-10.

Initially I felt abortion was the only ‘sensible’ option, and I went to BPAS, I got the pills and never took them. I then booked a surgical procedure twice and didn’t go through with it.

As soon as i Said I couldn’t terminate my partner’s previously supportive attitude completely, changed. He told me in no uncertain terms the damage he felt having this baby would do to me, him, his kids, my kids.. to the point where the immense pressure I felt and guilt at the havoc my selfish choice would cause led me to book another termination. I don’t know if
I would have gone through with it- I just wanted the stress of it all o be
To my surprise a few days before m

eyestotheskies Sat 12-Dec-20 09:32:39

Sorry my phone is playing up..

A few days prior to the booked termination he told me not to go through with it as he could see it would destroy me.

My post is not to say that all is fine and rosy now- it’s far from it. His support has been varying and I feel like ultimately I’ll be looking after 4 kids as a single mum which is very daunting. Financially it’s a terrible idea for me to have another baby.

However I have to come to terms with the repercussions of this decision on those around me. I felt like I was being very selfish by placing my own feelings above ass everything else and going against the wishes of the man involved.

All I will say is that he has come around to the idea of the baby now and wants to be as involved as possible in the child’s life.

Those weeks/ months when I was agonising over what to do were among the most stressful periods of my life

I really feel for you - it’s so hard but what stuck out for me from your post was the fact that you said that you don’t want an abortion. I think if it’s something which doesn’t feel right for you it is much harder to come to terms with afterwards.

Please do private message me if you want, your post resonated with me so much x

eyestotheskies Sat 12-Dec-20 09:33:54

Oh - I meant to ask if you’d had any counselling through BPAS? It doesn’t matter if you’ve already booked the termination- you can have as many counselling sessions and you want/ need - I found it really useful, they are completely impartial.

eyestotheskies Sat 12-Dec-20 09:35:34

Excuse all the typos...

Flowerpot345 Sat 12-Dec-20 09:48:19

If your hearts telling you not to do it, go with it, you will find a way of making it work, time changes everything just because he's against it now doesn't mean he always will be.

tct131416 Sat 12-Dec-20 10:14:08

Thank you for replying, I appreciate it more than you know and it's comforting that someone else has been in a similar situation.

It's great that your partner has come around to the idea, that must have took so much stress away for you and it's great that ultimately he saw your torment and put himself aside.

I don't think this would happen with us though. He hasn't outright said it but I'm pretty certain he thinks I got pregnant on purpose so I guess this belief will only be further confirmed in his mind if I decide to keep the baby. On the whole he is a great man but he does have a ruthless streak to his character - not in an intentional horrible way, I think he's been shaped that way through childhood and even further in his adulthood (he runs a business so things generally go how he says) so it is going to be very very very controversial if I go back on what I said I would do.

It sounds self serving/childish/immature/naïve but after 10 years in an unhappy marriage I would be devastated to see this relationship end as in almost all ways it's everything I felt I had been missing before and I am absolutely head over heels for this man. I'm almost balancing in my head whether to keep the baby or keep him and that in itself makes me feel like an awful person. And if we do break up, I feel like I'm destined to be alone for a very long time as it would be incredibly hard to find someone willing to take on a mum of 4 young kids to 2 dads.

Partner aside, another huge obstacle in my head is the impact having another baby would have on my other children. I feel like as a unit we have just got a place where none of them are babies anymore (4, 6 and 7) so life has become easier with regards to things like taking them for days out, going on holiday, giving them all attention, taking them to extra curricular activities etc etc etc. I feel like they will suffer if a new baby is introduced especially if I'm doing it alone.

So basically, I have nothing on the 'pro' list for keeping the baby other than I cant face the idea of aborting but is that just a natural feeling a pregnant person.

My pills are due to arrive today according to the Royal Mail text I received last night. I really just don't know what to do.

OP’s posts: |
Eileithyiaa Sat 12-Dec-20 10:29:58

I'm so sorry you're in this position OP.

Will you resent your partner if you go through with the abortion and could this resentment end your relationship as a byproduct? You could take those pills and hate his guts afterwards, or you may be at peace with the decision. Only you will know.

I had an abortion and I was 100% set on this being the right decision for me. Even then, it came at an emotional price but I could deal with that because the decision was mine, and mine alone.

You're stuck between a rock and a hard place, and it's a very final thing. There's no going back once it's done so you need to weigh up the repercussions of both decisions and decide which one you will find easiest to manage thanks. Good luck

eyestotheskies Sat 12-Dec-20 10:40:11

I also had no pros on the keeping the baby list... when I say he is supportive, I mean he is supportive of the pregnancy now but not necessarily an ongoing relationship which has been on/ off from the start.

I had the same thoughts of keep the baby= lose the man and ending up as a single mum with 4 kids by 2 different men- who would want me etc. I have to accept that I will most likely end up a single mum to 4 kids but I feel like I made the choice which I could live with long term.

I think if I had had an abortion under coercion (which it was) I would have resented him and the relationship would have been over anyway.

But I have to be honest and say that at times I wish I had just gone through with the termination at an early stage with the pills. I might have been relieved - I’ll never know now.

It really is an agonising situation and I found it so lonely as I barely told anyone.

It isn’t your partner who will have to live with the long term impact of a termination- I think men can easily separate themselves from the pregnancy as it’s not real for them in the same way.
But also I felt guilty in a way that I had all the ‘power’ in the situation of having a baby he didn’t want.

Keep posting on here if it helps x

Firegirl35 Fri 25-Dec-20 23:30:55

What did you decide to do OP? I’m also torn in my own decision...

Littleyell Fri 25-Dec-20 23:46:40

About your partner going back to his home Country how would your relationship work (regardless of your pregnancy now)?.

Could you manage to get to work with 4 children alone OP?

FestiveStuffing Fri 25-Dec-20 23:50:58

All of us are clusters of cells, OP. If you're thinking of it as a baby then that's what it is to you- what it is to him is irrelevant.

Ultimately, you're the one who has to pull the metaphorical trigger on this and live with it, so if I were you I'd consider both possible outcomes, partner aside. Which do you think would be easier to live with in the long term?

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