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Abortion guilt

(28 Posts)
user1483390189 Thu 12-Nov-20 17:55:34

Hi everyone - just looking for some overall support. I found out I was pregnant on Monday and instantly knew it wasn't what I wanted. It's brought up lots of past trauma and greif that I'm suddenly battling at once - along with this and deciding we are not going to continue with the pregnancy I am completely absorbed by guilt and I havent even ended the pregnancy yet. I have a really supportive long term partner and gorgeous little girl. I have already been prescribed antidepressants because I felt like i couldnt cope already.. I told my partner yesterday him and my daughter would be better off without me as I truly felt that. I feel like i am suffering a loss even though I'm creating a loss. I definately want to have another child in the future but it isn't the right time now. Can anyone relate..

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Mummyto3GBG Fri 13-Nov-20 00:38:23

Hey I’m going through the same at the moment. Already have 3 babies and had wanted one more but my youngest is only 10 months so it feels way too soon. I also have to have csections (had 3) and wasn’t advised to have anymore due to increased complications the more you have, I’d thought maybe I’d look into these complications in a few years when I wanted another and decide from there, however having looked at them now I’m fairly sure I wouldn’t of taken the risk and would of stopped at 3. However having spoken to a consultant they’d said if I wanted to continue with this pregnancy now it’s happened they would support and hopefully all would be ok. It feels like too big a risk to me though, I feel like I might die and leave my kids with no mum- probably being irrational but I can’t help but feel this way.

Is your partner being supportive? Mine is he’s worried only about me and happy to continue if that’s what I really want but ultimately is worried about the risk to me so feels termination is the safer option. Try to be kind to yourself, nobody wants to be in this situation and 1 in 3 women have an abortion at some point in their lives. I never thought I’d be in this position either 😣 I know completely how your feeling I haven’t taken the pills yet for worry of the guilt I’ll feel after. I feel very down about it all, I’m hopeful once it’s done I can get some normality back but I’m worried I could feel worse than now.

Just wanted to let you know you aren’t alone in this and here if you want to chat. X

user1483390189 Fri 13-Nov-20 08:22:01

Hi @mummyto3GBG thanks for your reply. It is a bit of comfort knowing I'm not alone. It's so hard when we have made the choice and know it's for the "right" reasons but can't shift the emotional side of it. My partner is so so supportive.. He is amazing. Sometimes he says things which change how I'm feeling and my outlook but then 5 minutes later I'm crying again. I feel exactly the same about feeling worse after.. I worry my life will never feel the same and this will consume me. X

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Mummyto3GBG Fri 13-Nov-20 10:57:07

I’m really glad you have such good support from your partner, I know if my partner wasn’t supportive it would tear us apart in the long term so I’m really glad he is as I feel whatever we choose we will get through it and come out stronger. If you’re sure in your decision then I think that is half the battle. I am not sure of mine and that is what I’m finding the hardest. If I knew it was the “right” thing to do I feel I’d find it so much easier to do and emotionally I wouldn’t torment myself so much after.

Have you had the consultation with the abortion place yet? I’m glad you have a beautiful little girl to get you through this, how old is she? I know if termination is the decision I Will have ultimately done it for my 3 children and that they will help get me through it. Sending lots of hugs, it’s a truly awful situation to be in x

user1483390189 Sun 15-Nov-20 10:56:33

@mummyto3GBG how are you doing?

I am sure in my decision however I'm not sure if that makes it any easier.. I have been doing lots of "research" and speaking to professionals and my partner.. I think I am suffering with a version of anti natal depression.. There's a thread on here from 2019 and it may aswell of been me writing it. All this being said I cannot say its making the choice I've had to make any easier - I never thought I'd ever be making this choice. My bestfriend is going through hell trying to conceive and been through a misscarriage recently so I'm feeling guilt from all sides. Sorry think I've rambled there.. Today is the first day I've felt well enough to come back on here and write. Fingers crossed I have a consultation Tuesday (they are checking if they can fund my postcode) if not will be Thursday. I think it's cruel how long I've had to wait although nobody's fault..
My little girl is 3 and she is truly amazing. The hardest thing is I do want to give her a sibling but I just can't right now. X

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Mummyto3GBG Sun 15-Nov-20 11:46:09

I know exactly how you feel this is me, I feel like it’s the right thing to have a termination for the family but I just didn’t want to be in this situation, I’m worried about my health if I continue and how it’s going to affect my kids and I want the best for them. My best friend is also going through hell trying to conceive and I feel disgusted in myself that I’m here pregnant and she’s not. I’m worried about how another baby could affect my kids lives and me being pregnant how miserable I am during it. I too think I have prenatal depression, I don’t think I’ve ever felt this low before 😔 i just wish the decision was out of my hands x

Humphrey80 Sun 15-Nov-20 12:25:06

Hiya, I can relate. Found out on Tuesday. I already have 2 girls, my oldest is autistic and really struggled when my youngest (20 months) was born. We live in a small 2 bed house (mortgage) and it is already overcrowded. Both DH and I work full time and struggle to pay childcare costs every month . Giving up work is not an option for either of us. I feel I need to have a termination. It is for the best for both me and my family. I didn't think I would ever be here. Hardest week of my life. I'm calling tomorrow.x

Mummyto3GBG Sun 15-Nov-20 17:59:37

@Humphrey80 hi sorry you’re in this situation too, we too struggle to pay our childcare every month and our mortgage. We have 2 at nursery at the moment. I always said I didn’t think I’d ever be able to have a termination now I have children yet here I am feeling like it’s the only way out 😖 I’ve had 3 csections and they had said I shouldn’t really have anymore children due to increased risk of complications with another section and if I did want another I should definitely wait a couple of years so I’m panicking I’m going to die and leave my kids without a mum. If you are definitely thinking a termination is the way to go, BPAS have been really good with me during this difficult time I would recommend. X

Humphrey80 Sun 15-Nov-20 18:51:27

Thank you Mummyto3GBG. It's really nice to hear some supportive words. I attempted calling BPAS on Friday but I am in Scotland and they said I can't get NHS funding until 20 weeks. So I have to ring my local NHS hospital which is only Monday -Friday 9-3. I'll call tomorrow morning. Like you, I feel this is the only way. We are so lucky in this country to have a choice. But dont feel like it is a choice really. I hope I can go through with it. Thank you for your kind words. Your situation sounds incredibly difficult too. There are no easy answers.x

Mummyto3GBG Sun 15-Nov-20 19:17:19

@Humphrey80 oh gosh you can’t wait till then, does Marie stopes do it under nhs funding in Scotland? Yeah I know what you mean, it’s not a choice I wanted to be making either. Hope you’re ok, I’ve found it harder and more emotional the longer it’s gone on so hopefully they can sort you out quicker if a termination is the way you want to go. Try and be kind to yourself, BPAS told me 1 in 3 women will have an abortion at some point in their lives it’s just not really spoken about. It’s so hard to do what you think is best for the family without feeling guilty at the same time 😞 xx

Humphrey80 Sun 15-Nov-20 19:23:46

Marie Stopes don't seem to have centres in Scotland either.🙁 I am hoping that things will be quick once I have spoken to someone. I will update tomorrow. Have you fully decided on a termination or are you still deciding? In am only 5 weeks, I have time but I feel time will only make it harder. I have definitely decided...but I'm still going round in circles. Doubt I'll ever be certain.

Littlepaws18 Sun 15-Nov-20 19:38:45

I had an abortion and I am struggling to conceive now. I feel guilt and hurt every time I think about it. However, it was the right decision to make, sometimes the right decisions are the hardest and most heartbreaking.

I was in a situation where I was working very long hours, my mom had a brain tumour and was pretty much bringing up my child. I was single going through the courts criminal and civil against an ex partner who was extremely violent and my then current partner was not interested and unsupportive to the idea of a child (needless to say I'm dumped him). There was just no way financially, practically or morally I could have kept that child.

But it absolutely broke my heart.

I am now in a much different position, engaged to a great guy, great blended family, better work life balance, mom is better- yet I can't seem to conceive- 3 miscarriages so far this year. Fingers crossed next time sticks.

Heart goes out to you, no woman takes this choice lightly, what ever you decide do not beat yourself up over it- it was a decision made on balance of everything else that's going on in life.

Humphrey80 Sun 15-Nov-20 19:48:28

Thanks Littlepaws18. This pregnancy was especially shocking as I am nearly 40 and it took us over 2 years including a miscarriage to conceive our 2nd child. I understand the struggle to conceive, although not on the same level you have experienced. It seems our bodies have no logic. Keeping my fingers crossed for you for next time.

Mummyto3GBG Sun 15-Nov-20 20:27:43

@Littlepaws18 thank you for your message. I’m so glad you don’t regret your termination, I am worried about how I’m going to feel afterwards when it all blows over. I have a loving family but my baby is only 10 months and I have 2 other children, we can’t really afford another but mainly as I have to have csections and wasn’t advised to have anymore due to the increased risks of complications having another. I googled these risks and scared myself I was going to die if I had another baby/csection and leave my children without a mum so much I booked a termination and sat pondering it for days. Eventually due to my anxieties around another pregnancy/birth I took the first pill yesterday and then panicked and wondered if it was the right thing to do, tried to bring it back up and couldn’t, rang BPAS and they said it’ll likely cause a miscarriage anyway but sometimes the pills do fail and if it doesn’t work it shouldn’t cause a problem with the baby so they suggest not taking the other ones unless I’m 100% sure (as they do cause Fetal abnormalities) and deciding what I want to do from here, if I want to continue with termination I can tomorrow or I can leave it and get back in touch if I change my mind. I feel like an idiot but I still don’t know what the best thing in my situation is or what I want to do, I feel it’s probably out of my hands now which is my own fault 😣

Mummyto3GBG Sun 15-Nov-20 20:29:07

@Littlepaws18 I meant to also say good luck trying to conceive, I hope it happens for you soon! I know it feels a life time trying to conceive each month and the waiting game. I’m sure it’ll happen for you soon x

Littlepaws18 Sun 15-Nov-20 20:36:53

The fact you are so torn means you aren't taking this lightly and you care so much about doing the right thing for your health, your family. And those reasons are so important and do valid. Your decision therefore can't be wrong because so much thought and care has gone into it.

I know you are in limbo land now, must be absolute hell and I admire the courage in your way of thinking.

I hope you can get to a point where you can resolve that the decision you made either way was challenging but the right choice for you x

Mummyto3GBG Sun 15-Nov-20 20:38:10

@Humphrey80 good luck speaking to someone tomorrow, see my message above re decision on termination. Try to be sure with your decision so you don’t do what I did. I still don’t know what I want, it’s not the baby that’s unwanted it’s the worry I have surrounding another pregnancy/ birth mainly although nothing seems to point to us having another baby as being a good idea, I worry about the effect it’ll have on my kids, I would be spread very thin, we get no help, we wouldn’t have any money, we would be paying all my wage in childcare x I think the earlier you decide the easier it is, I wish I’d decided and done it all a lot sooner but I mulled over it for so long it started to affect me more and cause me more anguish x

Mummyto3GBG Sun 15-Nov-20 20:49:19

Thank you @Littlepaws18 I have really tried to consider everything and no definitely not taken it lightly but it’s caused a lot of torment in my head. My first daughter wasn’t planned and I was much younger but I didn’t really consider not having her but I had no worries or responsibilities then, now I feel this overwhelming responsibility for the 3 I already have that’s making the decision even harder as I want to do what’s best for them. I wouldn’t mind taking the risks of a 4th pregnancy and csection if I didn’t have 3 little ones at home who depend on me. I also want them to have everything and I don’t want them to suffer at all, i have bad pregnancies and I worry it’s not fair on them, I also don’t want us to struggle anymore than we already do with money but I also feel very guilty and sad about having a termination and worry how I’d feel afterwards. I think because I had always wanted 4 children I’m finding it hard as my head says termination due to all the reasons I’ve said but my heart says “all will be ok, just have this last one” x

Humphrey80 Sun 15-Nov-20 21:14:13

Mummyto3GBG reading your words it is so clear how much you are agonising over this decision. I am sure that your actions in the end will be the right ones. If the first tablet causes you to miscarry then I hope you can find peace in the fact that your decision was made out of love for your children and for yourself and your role in their lives. When i was talking to my husband earlier we agreed to go forward with termination. In some situations there is no right. Just 2 wrongs. And for me I have to put my children who are here alive and with me first. I recognise everything that you are saying about money. We would really struggle with another child, even with family helping. It is very difficult.x

Mummyto3GBG Sun 15-Nov-20 21:35:44

Thanks @Humphrey80 I think you put it perfectly there in saying sometimes there is no right, just 2 wrongs. That’s really helped me. Thank you. Neither feels the right thing to do, they both feel like impossible situations. I think with everything with Covid too things just feel very uncertain too which doesn’t help with the decision.

I’m glad you are more decided in your decision and can also make peace with it being the best decision for your family. I read someone else’s post who also changed their mind after their first pill and she went on to bleed the next day so I’m assuming that will happen tomorrow. I’m booked for a counselling session in the morning too. Are BPAS able to offer u counselling or is that only on the nhs too? I don’t know if you think you’ll need it but they offer it before or after termination x

user1483390189 Sun 15-Nov-20 23:31:24

@mummyto3GBG alot to keep up with here but I'm so sorry to hear you took the first one and then still agonising over your decision. I'm thinking of you x

@humphrey80 let us know how you get on with calling the clinics. I agree.. Hardest week of my life by far.

My partner just asked me how I was feeling today and didn't really know what to say. I feel "better" I guess because I have just resigned myself to the termination.. I havent even had a consultation yet (has been a long guilt ridden wait for me) but I feel as though I am at peace with my decision. However I am prepared to fall again at the next step.. I know it won't be easy. He said to me "you don't seem chronically depressed anymore" (if you knew my partner he wasn't being an p**ck he meant well) I told him it doesn't stop my deep dark consuming thoughts but I've come to terms with what we are going to do.. That I will have another pregnancy one day when I'm ready and today he's been at work and I had a nice day with my little girl. Haven't paid her much attention unintentially since I found out.

To be honest my biggest worry now is the termination which I'm 99% sure of and it now working or me being further than I am.. I'm sure I'm not but my mind has been taking me all sorts of places.. X

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user1483390189 Sun 15-Nov-20 23:32:34

*not working

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peachyblossom Mon 16-Nov-20 00:54:53

I've also had a termination & now struggling to conceive, but I absolutely don't regret it. I was with an abusive partner who told me he would cut all contact & never speak to me again if I had the baby. I also wasn't in a position to have it. I feel like sometimes it's just not the right time & there is no need to feel guilty about it. The service is there for a reason lovely x

user1483390189 Tue 17-Nov-20 13:46:47

@mummyto3GBG how are you getting on?

@peachyblossom thank you for your post. Although different circumstances I am also not in a position to continue the pregnancy and generally feel at peace with my decision now although still have a bit of sadness.

I have just had my first consultation today and tomorrow I have a call with a nurse. All being well I should have the pills by the end of the week. It has been a long wait.

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Mummyto3GBG Sat 21-Nov-20 09:50:36

Hey sorry only just replying. I have been dealing with a lot of emotions. I went through with the termination unfortunately the anxiety surrounding another pregnancy and csection with potential complications got the better of me, I felt like i wouldn’t be putting my children first if I carried on with the pregnancy. Physically it was fine, emotionally not so much. It is all still very raw.

Unfortunately I am now suffering with deep regret and sadness, I feel like a monster and how could I do that. I feel so much shame in my decision and wish I could turn back the clock but I can’t. I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy. I wanted the baby but I was so worried about another pregnancy/birth and thought I was going to die that I felt I had no other option. Now I feel stupid to think I was going to die and all my worries seem smaller and that everything more than likely would of been ok but I was just too scared to risk it and I’m selfish for not carrying on, I feel like a horrible person, like I took the easy way out. I feel like I need to be happy for my kids but I don’t deserve to enjoy them. I feel like I want the baby back but I also would still have the anxiety surrounding pregnancy so I think I just wish I hadn’t fallen pregnant in the first place. I feel like that was my only chance at my 4th baby as I wouldn’t risk getting pregnant on purpose after they advised no more due to increased risks which obviously left me in the predicament I was in. I feel sad that I’m never going to have another baby when I had always planned 4. But I feel most sad that I terminated my much wanted 4th.

And I don’t know how to make myself stop hurting.

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