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Repeat abortion

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missturnbullx Thu 23-Jan-20 11:17:29

So I've been through a rough time with my partner. I have a child to my ex. He fled during the pregnancy and I became a single mum. I fell pregnant on the pill at that time.
After having my baby I was a single mum and did not restart any contraception as I wasn't sexually active. I had a one night stand using a condom with a very good friend of mine, the condom failed and I fell pregnant a couple of months after giving birth. Irresponsible I know. I spoke to him at the time and we discussed whether to get the morning after pill. He was against it as he said if I did fall pregnant from that one off occasion the we would raise a baby together as a couple. Anyway, I fell pregnant. I wanted to keep the baby but he pressured me in to an abortion saying it was too soon in our relationship. I was upset and felt responsible and felt I could have changed this if I'd have got the morning after pill but he told me not to beat myself up and said he'd had a change of heart due to him losing his job and circumstances changing. And we weren't to know at the time.
We continued our relationship from then and he found a new job. The relationship has gone well since then and he came to me and said we should start trying for a baby as I'm a fantastic mum and he sincerely regrets the previous abortion. I fell pregnant on my second cycle after coming off of the pill. I was thrilled but ONCE AGAIN he then changed his mind and wanted me to get an abortion. This caused a massive argument. I said abortion is not an emergency contraception and told him I was keeping the baby. I spoke all of the positives to him and bonded with the baby inside of me. As the weeks went by he got nastier and nastier and threatened if I kept it, I'd be single and pregnant yet again. I have no support from family with my first child and I can't afford two children on my own. They just wouldn't have a quality of life. I only want to be the best mum I can be and felt in an impossible situation. But how could I abort a baby I wanted, loved and had tried for with him because that's what we both wanted? I stood my ground that I was keeping the baby and he went off the rails. Threatening me and saying he would kill himself. I decided that I had to terminate 😭 it would break my heart having another child with a deadbeat father and it would break my heart to not be able to support my kids alone. I really did consider all of my options to make this work but unfortunately alone I couldn't. So please lay off of the nasty comments. I already am beating myself up and I'm distraught and I'm grieving my baby so so much. I can't stop thinking about my little baby in heaven and I will never be whole again. I am seeking counselling following this. It's traumatised me. I'm not pro life but I definately did not have myself down as a woman who would consider an abortion. Let alone have 2.
I'm really worried now about my fertility and my reproductive health. Has anybody had 2 medical abortions and been able to successfully conceive in the future if I ever meet someone truly decent and fit to be a father? I know it may seem selfish to be thinking this way. I feel I don't deserve any kids anymore.
It's safe to say I'm shot of him now. It shows you never really know anybody but maybe I should have seen the signs from the first abortion. He has been controlling when I really think about the relationship and I haven't seen him since the day of the termination. I don't need a man or want one. I've had a lucky escape and so has my daughter from him as a step dad.
I felt terrible after my first abortion but this one has reallt had an effect because it was planned and I really bonded with the baby. How long did it take people to get over this? To not feel riddled with grief everyday?
I don't know can anyone who has had a repeat abortion? Or felt grief from an abortion shed some light that it does get better? I miss my baby so much. Truly heartbroken.

PurpleDaisies Thu 23-Jan-20 11:18:52

Why did you post this in infertility? This is not the right place.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners Thu 23-Jan-20 11:19:58

I understand how devastated you must feel, but not sure posting this in infertility is the best way forward to get the support you want. I would suggest moving this to pregnancy choices.

missturnbullx Thu 23-Jan-20 11:20:33

@PurpleDaisies I couldn't seem to find a thread on termination. Maybe the moderators will pick this up? I'm not sure where it is best suited. Sorry if that's offended anyone

PurpleDaisies Thu 23-Jan-20 11:21:45

Try the conception board or pregnancy choices.

I will report your post to get it moved/deleted.

People here have been desperately trying to get pregnant for years. This is the wrong place for a thread like yours.

missturnbullx Thu 23-Jan-20 11:22:32

@andnoneforgretchenweiners

Thank you - I'm new to Mumsnet. How do I move the post? Want to do it quickly as to not offend anyone who is suffering with fertility issues at present. Thinking of everyone suffering 💓

LilyMumsnet (MNHQ) Thu 23-Jan-20 11:23:04

We're moving this thread over to pregnancy choices now. flowers

missturnbullx Thu 23-Jan-20 11:23:36

@PurpleDaisies

Thank you - I'm not sure how to move it so I would appreciate that. Sorry I've never used one of these forums before.

zen1 Thu 23-Jan-20 11:24:21

If you report your post and ask Mumsnet to move it for you, they will. So sorry for what you at going through.

PurpleDaisies Thu 23-Jan-20 11:27:40

No problem at all. Hope you get the answers you need. flowers

FWIW there’s no reason to think you should be infertile after abortions. When you’ve tried for a year, you could see your gp for investigations. You could go now to access counselling. It sounds like you’ve had a tough time.

Bluerussian Thu 23-Jan-20 11:28:15

You're grieving but it will pass. The worst thing about this, to me, is the fact that your last boyfriend gave the impression he would be happy to have a child with you and on both occasions that you were pregnant, he bailed out. What an arse!

When you have got over all the hurt and meet someone else, please, please make sure you do not become pregnant; wear a belt and braces if possible (diaphragm and pill?)! One child is quite enough for a single parent and there are other things you can do with your life. Enjoy yourself but be responsible.

I am sad for you at the moment but in a while you'll see sunshine peeping out from between the clouds and move on.

flowers

missturnbullx Thu 23-Jan-20 11:40:35

@Bluerussian thank you - a part of me feels I don't have a right to grieve but I know if I hadn't terminated then my children would have suffered. So it was one heartbreak or another heartbreak unfortunately.
Oh definitely. I plan to remain abstient and away from them horrible men. However have arranged with my nurse for a coil fitting in a few weeks. I don't think I'll ever trust anyone to even plan another pregnancy again. But I never had a family set up so it's all I dreamt of for my own kids. And I really was ecstatic to be pregnant. How can someone do this I don't know? Think that a baby's life is a game. It's sick. It should be a crime but I can't dwell on that.
I've found peace by arranging a marathon for women who suffer miscarriage and pregnancy loss. It's my way of giving back. I feel like I've abused my ability to get pregnant. And I just want my babies to know in heaven that they are in my heart forever.
I feel I'm going to always carry this pain with me. But I know the pain of having 2 children living a difficult life would have killed me everyday too. Uh, hopefully some counselling helps. And hopefully the future is bright for all of us women out there and our children. Thank you for your support.

alwaysnamechangingalways Thu 23-Jan-20 11:45:00

I was in a similar situation was I was younger.
Met a guy and very irresponsibly became pregnant the first time I slept with him.
He ghosted me, yet after 4 weeks persuaded me to have a termination.
I was 8 weeks pregnant and had a surgical termination and the coil fitted at the same time.
Our relationship soon ended and he got back with his ex.
Fast forward 8 months and I very stupidly got back together with him!
Cool removed and we tried for a baby, fell pregnant straight away and then he did the same thing, upped and left and got back with his ex.
He ghosted me for 3 months and I ended up having a second surgical termination at 16 weeks.
Physically and mentally the second was the worse as I think the moral dilemma of it happening twice didn't help plus the stress of not having the father to discuss it with.

Fast forward 10 years and I've been in a stable relationship for 8 years and have 2 children under 4 now.

So no, it didn't effect my fertility.
Mentally it was a lot harder to forgive myself and I spent a lot of time very depressed.

If you can take something positive from this, remember to keep on top of contraception when you meet someone else as it would be crushing If this happened to you again.

missturnbullx Thu 23-Jan-20 11:48:14

@alwaysnamechangingalways

Thank you - I'm glad I'm not alone. I feel so stupid. He was so convincing when we decided to come off of the pill to try to conceive. Talking about genders and family holidays and buying a new house. I felt complete to see those two lines.

I am worried about my fertility. But I'm more at this stage just upset for the loss. I don't have no family to talk to. And my friends just don't understand because they either don't have Children or are in happy marriages.

Could I maybe message you? I understand if you don't want to, if that is likely to cause some distress bringing up your past?

I'm genuinely happy to hear your success story and that you finally are happy.

missturnbullx Thu 23-Jan-20 12:20:47

Can anybody else shed some light? Sorry. Just really down about this.

alwaysnamechangingalways Thu 23-Jan-20 12:27:05

Of course you can message me

missturnbullx Thu 23-Jan-20 12:29:47

@alwaysnamechangingalways if I'm honest I don't know how. Sorry... I'm a pain lol

ZAK3 Thu 23-Jan-20 14:32:15

@missturnbullx Unfortunately I can’t shed any light on the future but can say I FEEL YOUR PAIN , I terminated what would have been my 4th child back in November due to circumstances but mainly my husband being adamant he didn’t want it & was very unsupportive & nasty with it so i felt pressured to something i did not want to do, i get every single thing you are saying the mental pain is awful its traumatising , Im just starting weekly counselling, was yours quite recent??? How is your counselling going??? To have an abortion is one thing but to have one that you didn’t want & the aftermath is a whole nother ball game , you are not alone!!!!! if u wanna chat feel free to pm me!!! Xxx

Bluerussian Thu 23-Jan-20 16:36:46

I do feel terribly sorry for you but people do have more than one abortion and eventually go on to another child when the time is right. Have any doctors thrown doubt on your fertility? I'm assuming you are not over forty.

You've had a rotten deal with men so far but they are not all like that, there are some really smashing blokes around (my husband was one).

I do hope your counselling helps.

Nurture yourself for a while and cuddle the child you have.
flowers

missturnbullx Thu 23-Jan-20 16:45:50

@bluerussian no doctors have raised any question about my fertility thus far. And I know I'm probably over worrying about the worst possible outcomes. But life seems to always hand me the rough deal. Not feeling sorry for myself about it though. It just seems that way. No, I'm not over forty just yet.

But thank you for your kind words.

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