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This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

MNHQ have commented on this thread

1 2

This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

MNHQ have commented on this thread

Pregnancy choices

Need handholding...unexpected pregnancy

26 replies

BlueBlazerBlack · 09/01/2020 08:34

Hello, just found out this morning I am unexpectedly pregnant with DC3 and I am in turmoil.
I always thought I wanted 3 DCs but over the last few months, since my youngest turned 2, I was coming round to the idea of sticking to 2 DCs. DH has always said he didn't want more than 2, and seems a bit gutted by the news. I am not happy and was praying for a different outcome this morning.
I don't feel ready for another baby and I don't even know if we can afford one. I am so scared but I also feel so stupid because I stopped taking the pill and was relying on the rhythm method...I am also worried that DH blames me for stopping the pill, but after being on it for over 10 years I was just fed up of the irregular bleeding, and he won't get a vasectomy.
Not sure really what I'm after with this post. I feel terrible for hoping that I might miscarry and for considering a termination.
If I have the baby, will we resent him or her? Will I be able to cope with 3 DCs considering I have found 2 challenging?

OP posts:

Report

vacayonmymind · 09/01/2020 08:44

You have options. If you don’t want another child, you don’t have to have one.

misspiggy19 · 09/01/2020 08:45

Did you OH know you have stopped taking the pill?

Kpo58 · 09/01/2020 08:46

Your DH should be blaming himself. If he really didn't want more children he would have got himself the snip or used condoms.

Are you able to get some counseling to help you decide if you want to keep the baby or not?

Shmithecat2 · 09/01/2020 08:47

What Vacay said - if you don't want another child, then you don't have to have one. It's a tough decision to make. Make sure whatever you do, it's your decision

MelroseHigginbottom · 09/01/2020 08:47

Whatever you decide, please remember there are options other than abortion. Adoption being one.

Orangeblossom78 · 09/01/2020 08:48

Ok if he is feeling like that and you are unsure...think you need to talk about it properly at an early stage. If you do decide for a termination it is simpler before 8 weeks.

BlueBlazerBlack · 09/01/2020 08:49

It is something I am considering but I'm not sure I could go through with a termination. I think I would regret it. I am not sure I can justify it to myself because although our situation is not ideal, it's not terrible either...

OP posts:

misspiggy19 · 09/01/2020 08:49

@Kpo58

Your DH should be blaming himself. If he really didn't want more children he would have got himself the snip or used condoms.**

^Both are to blame. OP knew she didn’t want anymore and could have got sterilised.

Shmithecat2 · 09/01/2020 08:49

@MelroseHigginbottom naff off. Not helpful.

@BlueBlazerBlack - I suggest you ask @MNHQ to move this thread to Pregnancy Choices forum. You'll have more chances of avoiding daft suggestions likes Melrose's.

squee123 · 09/01/2020 08:50

contraception isn't just your responsibility. If he felt strongly that he didn't want another child he should have had the snip or used condoms.

BlueBlazerBlack · 09/01/2020 08:52

He knew I had stopped taking the pill and I had suggested several times he had a vasectomy because he was more certain than me he didn't want anymore children. We didn't use condoms. He knew there was a risk. But I didn't think I could get pregnant easily, as it took us ages when TTC and involved a lot of effort with tracking ovulation. To be honest I am in shock.

OP posts:

Orangeblossom78 · 09/01/2020 08:53

I am not trying to encourage you with a termination. But from someone who had one early on years ago, it was possible to move on from it and we went on to have a baby a few years later. For is it was not a good plan at the time and would have led to problems. I think both parents need to be on board with such a decision and it's not just 'your decision' but both of you.

MelroseHigginbottom · 09/01/2020 08:53

Smithecat - what was incorrect about my comment? Nothing. Was it helpful to the OP - perhaps. Is it your business? No.

BlueBlazerBlack · 09/01/2020 08:53

Adoption is not an option.
I didn't want to be sterilised as I wasn't 100% sure I didn't want anymore and why should I have to go through a more complex procedure when a vasectomy would be much safer?

OP posts:

Nonnymum · 09/01/2020 08:54

Of course you have to do what is right for you eveyone is different but just wanted to say my DD was in your position a couple eof years ago her husband was distraught by the news and thought they should not have the baby . They were not in a great financial position and DC2 still woke in the night. Although she is a pro lifer and would defend anyone's right to abort she didn't feel she could. So she had the baby, her husband accepted it and that baby is now cherished as much as the other 2.i cant pretend it has been easy, it's hard work for them all. But I am 100%sure they are both very happy with the decision.
If course not everyone will have such a happy outcome so you just have to do whatever seems right for you. Good luck and don't blame yourself it takes 2 to make a baby.

BatshitteryEverywhere · 09/01/2020 08:55

You have options. You say you're not sure you could go through with a termination, but are you sure you could go through 18+ years of parenting? Think very carefully.

Your DH is an idiot though he won't get a vasectomy why not? What did he think was going to happen.

BlueBlazerBlack · 09/01/2020 08:55

I'm sorry but could someone have this moved to pregnancy choices, I don't know how and I'm finding some of these replies a bit flippant...

OP posts:

Orangeblossom78 · 09/01/2020 08:55

So both of you thought it was OK but it happened..well that is in the past now it's time to think carefully about what to do next.

Things like how it might affect the other children, your circumstances, support, work etc. Think you need to have a really good talk about it all, free from thinking about whose responsibility / fault it was etc. Hope it all goes ok

Orangeblossom78 · 09/01/2020 08:57

Somewhere to talk to could be BPAS they are good (British pregnancy advisory service) maybe they can do counselling also.

Shmithecat2 · 09/01/2020 08:59

@BlueBlazerBlack I've reported to MNHQ to move it for you

CakeandCustard28 · 09/01/2020 08:59

So sorry OP but you do have choices. Your DH can’t be angry with you, it takes two to tango. Whatever you decide I’m sure it’ll be the best choice for you.

LilyMumsnet · 09/01/2020 09:02

We're moving this to pregnancy choices now.

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Oksunny · 09/01/2020 09:07

I’m really sorry you’re in this position OP, it will not be an easy decision either way. I have 2 young DC’s and would feel the same way as you if I had an unexpected pregnancy. You do have a sense of protection to the pregnancy even very early on, but then the reality of starting all over again can be so daunting.

Only you & your DH can decide what works for you, please don’t feel bad what ever choice you make. Maybe consider the abortion route, put things in place & see how you feel. You can always change your mind at any time, one day before, one minute before. See what your gut tells you.

Please don’t beat yourself up, these things happen.

fairislecable · 09/01/2020 09:36

I have been in this position it is horrible, but I agree with oksunny.

Really think through the termination route and speak to people in RL as this will give you the perspective of what your choices are. Over the next few weeks your mindset will chop and change.

I continued with mine (twins) and it did work out for me but it was a few very hard years.

Good luck however you decide.

BlueBlazerBlack · 09/01/2020 11:19

Thanks everyone. I need to think things through.
I just feel so stupid for being so reckless with my fertility. I don't know what the answer is for me, it still feels so unreal.

OP posts:

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