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Husband dosn't want pregnancy, I can't face trauma of later abortion AIBU *TRIGGERING*

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HelpfulSailor Tue 19-Nov-19 09:14:02

Found out I was pregnant last week. Had all but decided on a termination as our circumstances are not amazing - we rent DH has a new job etc. For reference I am late 20s he is early 30s

Call the clinic and they can't fit me in for my first consultation until the end of Jan by which time I will be 14/15 weeksish. I took the appointment but when the lady on the phone told me how long I would have to wait I had a breakdown.

Told DH that I don't think I can go through with it at that point it will be too traumatic for my mental health.
I had a miscarriage at about 12 weeks when I was 18 and it is the worst thing I have ever gone through and I experienced PTSD type symptoms for several years. I worry a termination at a later point in a pregnancy would make me spiral.

He said we had agreed that now wasn't the right time for a baby, and listed off all the reasons why we should terminate and try again in six months or so time. He also said he knows how hard the decision is, it is entirely up to me and will support regardless.

I don't know what to do. Am I being selfish not having a termination at 14+ weeks because I think it would be too hard phisically and emotionally?

We can't go private or travel to another clinic - all the ones I can get to are booked up to about the same point in Jan.

I feel like what ever I choose I am going to regret it and I don't know what the least worse option is. I don't want to give myself mental health issues and I don't want my DH to resent me or a baby that he is adamant we are not ready for.

So AIBU to not have a termination, even though I agreed on getting one with my husband, because I don't think I can handle the trauma of an abortion later into pregnancy?

Phuquocdreams Tue 19-Nov-19 09:18:42

They can’t fit you in until the end of January shock I am genuinely shocked. I am not familiar with the UK system but that seems crazy. You aren’t selfish at all not wanting an abortion at that stage. If you were going to try for a baby in 6 months anyway, doesn’t sound like you’re in too bad a position to go ahead with the pregnancy?

HelpfulSailor Tue 19-Nov-19 09:19:11

To clarify I agree with DH that the timing is horrible and if I could have a termination in the next 3-4 weeks then I wouldn't hesitate.

HelpfulSailor Tue 19-Nov-19 09:20:43

They have no appointments before then the waiting time is supposed to be up to 4 weeks so I was totally blindsided by this

sue51 Tue 19-Nov-19 09:21:24

What will be different in 6 months time?

MustardScreams Tue 19-Nov-19 09:21:50

What is going to change in the next 6 months to allow you to try?

Fakeflowersaremynewnormal Tue 19-Nov-19 09:21:59

terminate and try again in six months or so time.
Do you mean have an abortion now and then ttc in 6 months? If you and he are really thinking of a baby in the near future (and he is not saying something he doesn't mean which would be another matter), then I think it would be crazy to put you through this kind of ordeal for a matter of a few months. Instead get some advice on how to make the baby fit in to your lives now.

DrinkFeckArseGirls Tue 19-Nov-19 09:23:03

Yes, why try in 6 months.

Newbie1999 Tue 19-Nov-19 09:24:22

If he has said he will support you regardless, in your situation I would 100% not terminate.

53rdWay Tue 19-Nov-19 09:25:03

No you aren’t selfish to not want to go through something that you know will be horribly traumatic for you. It sounds like your DH doesn’t fully appreciate what PTSD means if he’s saying you can just try again in 6 months like it’s rebooking a holiday.

Is there anything you can do re the issues that are making this such bad timing now?

HelpfulSailor Tue 19-Nov-19 09:25:03

We will have bought a house and paid off our credit cards.
We have just saved enough for our deposit and are about to start the mortgage process and in six months we will have both paid off our credit cards. In nine months our renal agreement is up and we are hoping to move into a new place in August.

puds11 Tue 19-Nov-19 09:25:04

Can I ask why you can’t travel?

I’m also shocked at how long you have to wait! It’s incredibly detrimental to you. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this.

HelpfulSailor Tue 19-Nov-19 09:25:15

Rental not renal

jaseyraex Tue 19-Nov-19 09:25:49

It seems ludicrous to go through the trauma and then try again in 6 months. What much will really change in 6 months? If you want the baby, look at how you can make this work. It doesn't have to be difficult. Plenty of people rent with babies, plenty of people start new jobs with babies. Its not ideal but it's not the end of the world.

SpiderCharlotte Tue 19-Nov-19 09:27:59

Agree with PPs what would be so different in 6 months?

Of course, you need to do what you believe is right for your situation. If you are waiting til the end of Jan for your first appt then that would mean you would be trying for a baby 4 months after aborting the one you are carrying just now. I'm so sorry you're in this situation OP, it must be awful for you. flowers

jaseyraex Tue 19-Nov-19 09:28:29

Cross post. Can you look at making cut backs in your budget so you can still manage to do all those things? Babies really don't have to cost much. Moving house with a newborn is a pain but it's not impossible. I wish you luck with whatever you decide OP.

commanderdalgliesh Tue 19-Nov-19 09:29:10

That wait is terrible! It's just disgraceful.

I understand the reasoning but if you want to try in six months anyway I genuinely think you may regret it. I can't see why it would affect the mortgage process if you're about to start that now. You don't have to declare that your pregnant especially at the early stages of pregnancy.

HelpfulSailor Tue 19-Nov-19 09:29:34

I can travel a bit but I don't drive so I am stuck with where I can get to via public transport. I have checked all the local clinics that I could reasonably get to. I can't ask family for help as they are anti-abortion.

DH is not a horrible man he just likes to have a plan and stick to it, I think he could be undiagnosed autistic so struggles with adapting to change.
I don't know how to reconcile my trauma with his feelings.

Newbie1999 Tue 19-Nov-19 09:29:36

You can’t guarantee you’ll have a house in 6 months, even if you have a deposit now. I rent with 2 children, I don’t think that’s a reason not to have kids (especially if you’re already pregnant)!

commanderdalgliesh Tue 19-Nov-19 09:29:36


Aloe6 Tue 19-Nov-19 09:30:03

Yes to terminate and then try again in 6 months is ridiculous.

There must be other clinics you can get to?

NotStayingIn Tue 19-Nov-19 09:31:00

Sorry but this is crazy, you don’t have a termination so you can postpone a pregnancy by six months. (Unless say for medical reasons)

You need to go back and calmly try and discuss this. If he really thinks it’s only a matter of waiting six months and things would work better then with a bit of planning and resourcefulness you could both cope with this earlier timeline. Work it through rationally with him.

If however, which I think is far more likely, he is saying six months to placate you, and he actually means much longer, you have a trickier situation. But you need to really know where he stands first. flowers

53rdWay Tue 19-Nov-19 09:31:01

So if you didn’t have a termination you’d be looking at moving, paying off credit cards and going through the house-buying process while pregnant. That’s not brilliant fun but it’s certainly doable.

GameSetMatch Tue 19-Nov-19 09:31:50

I’m usually the first to say yes have an abortion if that’s what you want but to ttc again I need six months just seems a bit silly? Why put yourself through all the upset for the sake of 26weeks? It takes nine months for a baby to grow so you have got enough time to pay off your credit cards and you can still move house with a baby, If you want to move in 9 months when your rental agreement is up.

Newbie1999 Tue 19-Nov-19 09:31:54

IMO there’s rarely a perfect time to have kids - don’t put yourself through the trauma if you plan on having them soon anyway.

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