One child only, then stupidly had abortion, now filled with sadness and regret

[smiles73]

Dear All,
Hope you won't judge me for what I'm about to tell you.
I cry most days as I just cannot move on and feel such intense sadness about what I have done. I'm writing partly out of intense pain/a cry for help and partly to ask you for opinions.
i'm 47. Had a beautiful baby girl when i was 42. First time around yes at 42. She was my miracle girl. happened naturally, after 5 years of trying.
But I lost my Mum and Dad due to various illnesses when I was pregnant to my little girl. Around 3 and 4 months pregnant I was:(
i couldn't grieve them when I was pregnant, as i had to keep strong for the baby.
Then, when baby girl was turning about 18 months, I fell pregnant! Straight away, iIknew I didn't want it as I had only recently started the intense process of grieving and i felt so depressed and sad about them gone. Instead of wanting and rejoicing in another baby, I didn't want it, and quickly decided to get rid. Who does that? Only me.
Shortly after aborting, the regret kicked in and i hated myself for it. Really regretted it.
Then I found myself pregnant again last year when i was 46. I was so excited and thought this was my second chance. However, I miscarried naturally this time at 8 weeks. I was devastated, but wasn't surprised given my age.
Now I just feel so so sad that I got rid of that pregnancy number 2. I cannot move on and I cannot forgive myself. I would now have a gorgeous little 3.5 year old and would have given a sibling to my daughter.
Will the pain and regret ever leave me? I feel too sad for words.

[june2007]

I would look at getting some counselling. There are other abortion regretters not sure about on here but I know on netmums there are a lot of threads about it so you are not on your own. Focus on your daughter and the live you have now.

[smiles73]

Thank you @june2007 for your kind reply. Will have a look around. I haven’t told hardly a soul which makes it worse!

[LilyMumsnet]

Hi OP

We're so sorry for what you've experienced. We're going to move your thread over to our pregnancy choices topic, because we think you'll get a wealth of support and advice over there.

[khlo5]

I have not words of wisdom or advice. Just sending you a virtual hug.

[smiles73]

Thank you!

[lumpy76]

I'm not wanting to pry but how far along were you when you had the termination? Given you were 43/44 you would have had a high chance of miscarriage (about 50/50 in the first 12 weeks) so you may well be burdening yourself with regret when you've no need to. Please don't think I'm belittling your grief though. Xx

[DoctorAllcome]

I second the recommendation that you ask about counselling.
Regret of any action happens, it’s part of being human. Just don’t be too hard on yourself. We tend to romanticize “what could have been” when if we’d made a different choice things could actually have turned out worse than the path you chose.

[smiles73]

@lumpy76 I was 8/9 weeks when I decided to terminate as I wanted to get in there quickly. Good advice, and no you’re not belittling the situation. Only adding comfort. Thanks for responding

[smiles73]

@DoctorAllcome, yes you’re right we do romanticise. Also, I was gravely ill in my first pregnancy to my little girl. Sickness every day, fainting, weird heart beat. I also panicked that if I had all that again, I’d be in no state to look after my little girl. That coupled with the losses of my parents, tipped me over the edge mentally I think. And I made a choice out of panic and deep deep sadness rather than joy what I should have felt at the time. Hindsight is an evil thing. Thank you for replying, so appreciated

[smiles73]

@khlo5 thank you

[AllModra]

I understand. And I think that judging by the forest you've given, you probably did the right thing by yourself, your little girl, and the baby you might have gone on to have. Because you were grieving, you needed to grieve. It's just that now you've given yourself the heavy burden of regret and what night have been. Don't beat yourself up, it's hard because especially now that you have a daughter, it's easier for you to envisage things had you made a different choice. But that doesn't mean it would be the right choice for you.

[smiles73]

@AllModra thank you for your kind words! I guess I now just feel selfish, guilty, and short sighted by allowing myself to have grief take over what could have been, another life. Feel so silly. It was a foolish error. But what is done is done. I just hope I can forgive myself one day. At the moment, I can’t! :(

[Hardheadedwoman39]

Hello @smiles73

I feel so incredibly sad for you because it's such an emotionally complex situation. Please don't be too hard on yourself. We can only make decisions equipped with what the situation is at that time and enormity of grief and caring for your child - and yourself, was and remains paramount.

If you don't allow yourself to grieve it can do untold damage so I think you were very sensible to look after yourself and your daughter.

Please do talk to someone professional if you can. It's not a burden you should live with.

Sending you a big hug x

[smiles73]

Thanks @Hardheadedwoman39, wise words. i have had counselling, psychotherapy, but sadly for me, it's a quick fix for a few days and then a week later I feel angry with myself again. I've seen about 4 different ones. hope I will get there eventually.

[lottelupin]

It sounds like you were acutely aware of the fragility of life, heightened due to the sad loss of your parents, and, having had scary physical symptoms during your first pregnancy, I think what you did was self-preservation, and that overriding need to keep yourself safe for your daughter. She's the one who is here, and she is so vulnerable and totally dependent on you, and you couldn't take any chances. I think that's what drove you, underneath it all.

Which was a very reasonable argument. And the net result is, you didn't risk anther pregnancy and childbirth and you are definitely here for your daughter. I think you need to forgive yourself. Your body was intent on keeping you safe. And, as some have said, in any case the pregnancy may not have survived.

At 47 you're facing the blank truth of fading fertility and the inevitable eventual dying out of it. This is singularly challenging on a personal level for many women, and of course you now wish you'd had the other child. But you need to remind yourself of why you did it, and what you've got. Your beautiful daughter.

I'm so sorry you feel bad, and understand completely. But the way forwards is not to beat yourself up. You had several priorities, and your daughter won out. That's all. Xx

[smiles73]

@lottelupin thank you for your reply. brilliant insight and it really made me stop and think. You are right. I think it was self preservation. I do. Thank you for getting in touch. And yes, at 47 I am grieving on so many levels. the fact that I soon will be closing down my fertility, the loss of both parents and the other 2 losses.

Ladies - you have all been great soup for the soul, and have helped me enormously to see some kind of sense and reason. i cannot appreciate your replies enough. I just wish I had come on here sooner. It has also encouraged me to be honest and open up. I have bottled this to myself all this time other than my family. And counsillors.
Huge huge love to you all. xxxx

[lottelupin]

I'm so glad I/we helped! As women we face really impossible decisions sometimes, and, as you say, it tends to feel safer not to unpack it all and talk about it (I'm just the same).

The transition from being on sites about the two week wait to whether bioidentical hrt is a good idea in the space of a few short years is disorientating, to put it mildly. And you have had several of the most fundamental losses to cope with as well, right when you didn't need it (obviously never a right time, but waning fertility is also another huge loss and grief, so you've had everything to wallow through - and I think it sounds like you're actually doing really well, and getting there). Sometimes (as in labour!) it feels like you're just being pulled along and you don't have much or any control, and you're not sure what you should be doing, or whether that would do any good anyhow - but just riding the waves is actually the job, and you're doing that. It's ok.

If you focus on your daughter and let the losses go, I think you'll find that deep satisfaction and reassurance you need. She is there for you too, and will be even more so as she grows up. Just enjoy every moment of being her mum Xx

[Hardheadedwoman39]

@lottelupin I need you on speed dial you're very calm and very wise.

OP I'm glad that this thread has helped, sometimes a quiet corner with fresh perspectives is just the ticket. I tend to talk about things years after the event and it can seem disorientating and sometimes irrelevant to other people - why are you still upset?!

But it's so important to let it out and process it, it all seems far less unmanageable when shared.

Will be thinking of you x

[CampingItUp]

OP, just to say I do not think you are any of the harsh words you have used about yourself.

You are a woman, a daughter, a mother, and sometimes those things, those wonderful things, put us in painful places.

I am grateful for Lotte’s insight because it reminds me how we as women need to care for ourselves.

Sending to you.

[smiles73]

thank you thank you again, you have done so much with your kind words

thank you to ALL of you! xx