Struggling to go through with abortion.

[Dusty2]

Hi I'll try not to make this too long, I'm about 6 weeks pregnant and my husband and I have 2 children already, a 4 year old and a 11 month old. I'm 40 and he's 46 and has just had a vasectomy so we decided we didn't want another. After much sole searching we decided not to go ahead with the pregnancy and I went for an abortion on Thursday. Problem was, when I got there, I panicked and couldn't swallow the pill, I literally had it in my mouth and spat it out. I'm terrified of making the wrong choice, this is so final, there's no changing our minds in the future he's had the snip (after we conceived so it has worked) and I'm scared of regretting my decision. When I walked out of the hospital tho, I didn't feel relieved, I was disappointed with myself for chickening out. We have rescheduled the abortion for this Sunday but I'm very troubled, I believe it's the right decision but something in me is struggling with it. Has anyone been through this? Any advice thanks.

[CornerofUpandDown]

Please seek out some non judgemental pregnancy choices counseling. You could use support to make the best decision for you and your family.

[Dusty2]

Where would I get that from? I haven't been offered it at the clinic, I did also try the local mothers support service but they didn't help at all, just nodded when I chatted and said it's my decision. I don't have a clue where to turn for advice.

[MrsPatrickDempsey]

It is your decision though. Support will be enabling you to weigh up and consider the different options. I am sorry this is tough for you.

[Rosemary46]

Any couselling service will tell you that it’s your choice. No one can tell you what to do here.

If you don’t want to terminate the pregnancy , then you can either raise the baby yourself or place him / her for adoption. There’s no rush to make this choice. If you wish, social workers can take the baby straight from the hospital after it’s born and place with foster carers or even straight to the prospective adopters .

If you don’t wish to continue the pregnancy then you need to make a decision sooner rather than later. Information here

www.nhs.uk/conditions/abortion/what-happens/

I’m very impressed that your husband managed to get a vasectomy within 4 weeks of asking for one. Usually it takes much longer to get referred and have the op. And you can’t tell if it has worked yet because it’s not effective for 8-12 weeks after the op.

So if you terminate this pregnancy you will have to still use another form of contraception for several weeks. I’m really surprised that the clinic didn’t explain this to your husband - it’s been important that you both understand this.

[Dusty2]

Thank you, my husband had the vasectomy the same month we found out we were pregnant ie a week before we found out, he was booked to have it for months, we had sex before his surgery if that makes sense. He's due for the all clear test at the end of July. The clinic did explain to us, we had unprotected sex and this is the result.
I would never give my child up for adoption. I am struggling with my personal ethics with abortion, I feel like I'm killing my baby.

[Rosemary46]

Well if you don’t want to terminate the pregnancy or place your child for adoption then your decision is made for you - the only other option is to keep it.

[CornerofUpandDown]

Marie Stopes offers counseling over the phone and face to face: www.mariestopes.org.uk/other-services/counselling/

[MeepMeepMoop]

Why can't you keep the baby? You haven't really said apart from deciding your family was complete. Can you make this the last child? Is it finances?

The important thing is that if you keep this baby you must never resent them for anything that is to come. That's the bottom line really.

[InezInez]

Your kids are so little and one baby won't change much. They will all be close in age and can grow up together. My 3rd baby has made our family complete. If you will not raise your baby, please place it up for adoption so another couple can have a chance to have a family.

[Dusty2]

I would never give my child up for adoption. We are older, my OH is 47 this year, I'm 40, we can't afford to move and only have a 2 bed house can't fit 3 beds in one room, my OH works long hours so all child care is on me Monday to Sunday, I'm tired and don't think I could cope with 2 under 2. I also think my other children would suffer because I can't give them my time and attention, we can't afford three, I nearly died having my first and I'm only now starting to recover from having my second. I was just asking for advice on abortion if anyone had found themselves in a similar situation ie struggling to go through with it and how they handled it, not to be judged on the timing of my OH vasectomy or to be told to give my baby away!

[CornerofUpandDown]

I don't have personal experience, but I can say that a lot of women who have abortions have other children. You need to do what is right for you, but you are not alone in thinking about abortion when you have had complications with your other pregnancies and thinking your family is complete.

To other posters this is pregnancy choices not aibu FFS.

[JaneEyreAgain]

Oh my dear lady, what a terrible situation to be in. Please take the time you need to make this decision. Talk to the counsellors at the clinic or at Marie Stopes and tell them what you are feeling. They won't make the decision for you but they may be able to help you work through your feelings.

[MeepMeepMoop]

I would never give my child up for adoption. We are older, my OH is 47 this year, I'm 40, we can't afford to move and only have a 2 bed house can't fit 3 beds in one room, my OH works long hours so all child care is on me Monday to Sunday, I'm tired and don't think I could cope with 2 under 2. I also think my other children would suffer because I can't give them my time and attention, we can't afford three, I nearly died having my first and I'm only now starting to recover from having my second. I was just asking for advice on abortion if anyone had found themselves in a similar situation ie struggling to go through with it and how they handled it, not to be judged on the timing of my OH vasectomy or to be told to give my baby away!

There are a lot of valid reasons there for not having the baby.

I think a lot of women have abortions and then regret them or feel sadness afterwards. This doesn't mean it isn't the right decision though.

I think some counselling as suggested by others would be the way forward and perhaps cancelling the abortion for Sunday: there is time to consider your decision.

[LittleMermaid1]

I had an abortion at 6 weeks pregnant last month. I have two children already, their dad is my exh. I was pregnant with a new boyfriend, totally unplanned. I would have loved to keep the pregnancy but new boyfriend was really unsupportive and I felt I couldn't cope alone with 3 dc.

Whether or not you have the abortion is a really personal thing. I found the physical side unpleasant and a bit traumatic (passing the pregnancy tissue at home) but not too physically painful. Bled for about two weeks after.

The emotional side has been much harder for me. No judgement on women who feel relief, but I have felt a lot of sadness, distress and struggle with what has happened a lot. I am having counselling so hopefully it will improve. In my case I would have loved to keep the pregnancy, this is no judgement on those who dont though. It's great we live in a country where terminations are available. Hope you find peace with whatever you decide

[Nettleskeins]

You are at stage where the childcare you are doing right now seems overwhelming and the thought of fitting anyone extra in the house an impossibility.

However, this is your last chance, because your husband has had the vasectomy, and I think that subconciously you know that in five years time perhaps you would have made a different decision, and wished that the third child existed.

I was in the position where I had three under two at 38 and all care fell soley to me in between 8 and 7pm (Ok i paid for a helper for a few hours a day in the mornings to survive the first 6 months) no relatives to help out. When it came to thinking about no 4, it seemed an impossiblity. At 42 I began to think - Gosh maybe with two five year olds and a 7 year old, it would be nice to have another after all. It was not to be (IVF a third attempt) Dh thought it was a lucky escape) At 54 I look back and think. It would have been hard but I would have managed, eventually.

I think you should keep the baby.

As I've said before on another thread, two bedrooms will be just about doable. Toddler beds are much shorter, children like sharing bedrooms. If you had had twins as a second pregnancy you would have managed. the first few years of children are so so hard, but then you get through and don't regret the "extras".

HTH

an eleven month baby is such a pressurised time to make a decision like this which is undoable, and things will look better as you come through the first trimester (when one feels rubbish and depressed whatever the situation)

[Nettleskeins]

As for affording three, three doesn't cost that much more in food or clothes (can be passed down or economies of scale), perhaps nursery fees if you are planning to go back to work when they are under 4, but otherwise the outgoings are usually much the same unless you are planning aeroplane trips or horseriding lessons. Cars are usually five seaters, toys can be shared or reduced per head (they'll end up with more with a sibling) Parties can be home parties.

what three demands more of is time. And that is something only you can decide whether you have enough of. Money strangely is quite stretchy when you put your mind to it, because there are so many choices associated with living and living standards, and everyone has different judgements on that.

[Dusty2]

I took the first abortion pill yesterday, really struggled to swallow it and burst into tears when I did but I met up with my husband in the park with our two childrdn and got through the day, last night I had a total breakdown, I'm devastated at what I've done and feel so trapped, damed by abortion and damed if I continue. I'm now desperately hoping the foetus is still alive even though I have to go for stage 2 tomorrow. I'm seriously wondering if I should refuse the second treatment and see if it survives or if I should just keep going now I've started. I dont want another child but not sure I can live with killing my baby either. Such a mess and no one to turn to. My husband doesn't understand. He thinks we've done it now and should move on.

[LittleMermaid1]

OP I'm so sorry have you phoned the clinic to ask if there's anything you can do if you've changed your mind or whether it's too late? I had the oral pill and vaginal ones all day once.

I'm a few weeks on from you, I do have sad days but overall I feel ok.

[JaneEyreAgain]

Oh, my poor dear lady. Please do talk to the clinic.

[laidbackllama]

Hi OP, how are you doing? I really hope you are feeling better about the whole situation. I am thinking of you

[Rosemary46]

Sorry to hear you are feeling so distressed.

[AuntieGT]

Hi op. I don’t know what you decided but I’ve had an abortion for all the same reasons as you. We have 2 dc, similar ages to you. We have only 2 beds and not enough money for a 3rd. Plus I could have died having my 2nd dc. I’ve not recovered from his birth, there was no way I could have done it all again. Plus I knew it would negatively impact my existing children, I think this is the most important thing you’ve said. I think to some extent everyone has a wobble when they go into the clinic, I certainly did. I started thinking about having the ‘baby’ and questioning my choices despite being certain it was the right decision for me. I never thought I’d be in that position. It’s not something anyone really wants to go through but ultimately I decided the option of having a baby was worse for me and my family. You are not killing a ‘baby’, it’s a potential baby, there are no certainties in early pregnancy. I’ve also had a natural miscarriage of a much wanted pregnancy at a later gestation. My body decided there was something wrong, it wasn’t the right time then, and promptly evacuated that foetus. Why shouldn’t I be able to make the same decision with my brain? We’re whole people with lots of complex thoughts and wishes. It sounds to me like you were confident in your choice but you are grappling with guilt and the what ifs. I just wanted to say you have no reason to feel guilty. I would also recommend asking to clinic to put you in touch with a counsellor. Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Dusty2]

Thank you, I really appreciate knowing I'm not alone. I went through with the abortion and now trying to pull myself together. I think it will get easier when the bleeding stops and life can feel normal again. I know why I did it, just struggling with the guilt. I'll get there x

[Emmapeeler]

Hi @dusty2 I have just seen your post. FWIW I think your reasons are very valid. You have two very little children who need you. For many women in your situation abortion is not something they want, or find easy, but a brave, selfless act done out of love for those around them. The fact that you didn’t feel relief after walking out of the clinic is to me quite telling.

I won’t comment re. the posters suggesting you consider adoption My personal opinion is it sounds like you made the right decision and it will get easier for you with time. There have been many other women who have walked in your shoes.