I've upset myself

[Toystorypants]

I did have another thread but starting a new one just to chat really.

After a condom falling off and a failed MAP, according to approx. 14 tests I am definitely pregnant. Judging by online calculators I am currently 5 weeks and 4 days.

I called the clinic to book a termination on the day I found out, couldn't make an appointment until I was a week late for my period. Called when I was exactly a week late and got the earliest appointment a week tomorrow. By which time I will be 6 weeks and 5 days.

I was content with my decision to terminate. I don't want children, we are in 40k negative equity in a tiny one bed flat so we can't move, DP has just joined the armed forces and will be away from home for 70% of the next three years and has taken more than half a salary cut for the privilege. Ive also just had my probation extended in my new job due to concerns I'm "not fitting in". All in all, having a baby right now is not the right decision, nor is it financially viable, nor do I want to be a mother.

I've also always been totally pro choice. Nobody should be forced to be a mother against their will.

However, I googled it. Stupid. And came across pictures of fetuses just 8 weeks gestated or whatever the term is and it looks just like a real little baby. And now I'm imagining this miniature teeny baby inside me and not the cluster of flesh and cells that I had in my head that wasn't even ANYTHING yet.

For some reason I've also managed to convince myself that it's twins and now basically feel like I'm murdering two little miniature perfect babies.

Where the fuck has this come from?! I feel guilty and ashamed.

I had a termination when I was 18 and felt nothing, it was just a necessary medical procedure.

I don't know what the point of this is but only DP knows, and he would be happy for me to continue the pregnancy so I don't want to talk to him.

[dreamer2]

I would continue the pregnancy if i were you , I think many times we convince our selves we can't do it , but everything always works out , I think if anything it'll push you to work harder , plus Just think how nice it would be to have your baby ( babies ) to keep you company when your partner is away . I realise that my opinion is not the most "logical" or wise , but am sure you'll survive if you continue with the pregnancy. Good luck either way xx

[bloated1977]

Can I just ask how old you are and whether you'd considered having children. If they're on the horizon in the next couple of years then I'd go ahead with the pregnancy.

[Toystorypants]

Of course, I'm 28 and DP is 29... I've never wanted children to be honest. I know you're not meant to say this on MN but I generally think children are gross, expensive, noisy, don't sleep etc etc

DP is on the fence. I've always said that once I have moved up the career ladder a bit, we are married and have a house then we will reconsider what we want our life to be. However this would be at least 5 years in the future. And even then we have more edged towards not having them.

[BogglesGoggles]

Honestly. If you have children, no matter how much you don’t want them now, you will fall in love with them. And if you can’t provide them with the kind of life you think they deserve it will break you. I find abortion deeply unpalatable (from a purely personal perspective, I don’t concern myself with what others do) but if I found out I was pregnant tomorrow I would have an abortion because I know we can’t afford another child in our current financial position and the chances of improving our financial position enough before it was time for it to go to school are slim to none.

[nothingtowearever]

This happened to me! Failed condom and MAP. Did NOT want a baby. Same thing happened had to wait to 8 weeks. I don't regret it. Not at all. You have to do what's best for you and it doesn't sound like you want a child- which is why you went to such lengths to not have one. It was tough waiting for the appointment but I still don't regret it x

[Ginger1982]

This has to be your choice but I think @dreamer2 is definitely pushing the 'rosy' side. You are in a tiny property, your DH is going to be away for long periods of time and your job is not stable. I'm sure plenty of people can and do manage in those circumstances but it must be very hard. My DH works away from home far far less than yours will and I find it very challenging at times. Is my DS 'company?' Hmmm...I'll reserve judgment on that! My DH's life has barely changed. It's all good and well for your DH to want you to continue with the pregnancy when he's not going to be around to help.

Sorry if I'm being overly negative here! Good luck whatever you decide

[oohyoudevilyou]

Also bear in mind that most "in utero" photos give the gestation as days/weeks post fertilisation, and when we talk about being x weeks pregnant, we count day 1 as first day of last period (so potentially 2 weeks before egg and sperm have come into contact). So when you have your termination at 6+ weeks pg, the embryo will only be about 4 -5 weeks post fertilisation, and not especially baby-like in appearance.

[Toystorypants]

Thank you for your messages.

Ginger you are right of course. Tiny property with no prospects of moving for at least three if not four or five years, DP away Monday to Friday every week and then several months on deployment once a year. Plus his new half salary plus maternity pay does not even cover all the bills without massively cutting back and that's not the life I want, the life we've worked for or the life that we are working towards hence my new job and DPs total career change.

The thought of staying home alone with a baby or two for makes me feel like I will literally go INSANE. Oh and throw in the aging rescue dog, who is my my best friend and most favourite thing on earth and I would NEVER rehome who does have some manageable issues with just adults in the house but would render him entirely unsuitable to have around babies without him ending up neglected and locked in the kitchen most of the time.

We just got engaged three weeks ago, so that would put an end to any potential wedding planning, and getting married is important to me.

ALL the reasons are there. All of them. Its just those pictures with little arms and legs

[Toystorypants]

@oohyoudevilyou oh really? I didn't know that. I don't know much about anything to do with it as I had no intention of getting pregnant.

Although it sounds harsh, I do find that more palatable so to speak. I know the exact day IT happened as I ordered the MAP from an online pharmacy immediately after and still have the emails which actually takes 11 days off.

Google results for a 4 week embryo are much what I was imagining before I decided to Google and upset myself.

[Teachermaths]

OP only you can make the decision.

Having a baby in the circumstances you describe wouldn't be easy. However you know your own mind.

You have time to access counselling if you feel you need it. There are also phone services available too.

[oohyoudevilyou]

Still a tough decision, but I do understand where you're coming from. An embryo that was created 4 weeks ago is only a potential baby, not an actual baby. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

Not telling you which way to go but I have had a scan of a (much wanted) baby at 7 weeks and 3 days. It looked similar to a kidney bean.

[Littlemermaid1]

Stop googling photos, dont read about stages of development etc, it would certainly upset most people considering a termination.

Only you know what's right for you OP. Maybe try to visualise life either way, would you feel regret if you abort? Would you feel depressed to continue and struggle to ever want the baby?

I've had an abortion, I found it pretty upsetting but it was the right decision for me in my circumstances. I also have two dc I adore. Theres no right or wrong, just whatever is best for you.