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Pregnancy Decision Advice - TRIGGER WARNING

(5 Posts)
kamikazeshady Wed 10-Apr-19 08:53:37


I have been an on off user over the years. Seem to have found my way back during yet another crisis.

I want to be open and honest in this post, so there will be things that may trigger others... id also appreciate minimal judgment.

To try and cut a long story short:

I am currently approx 5 weeks pregnant. Probably a tad under. The father is a bloke I met from Tinder. I wasn't careful, I was stupid I know. This person disappeared after he met me and got what he wanted. Stupidly gave him what he wanted. The back story to it is that in November 2018 I was raped by a friend of mine. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. Following that incident, I was having counselling from rape crisis offered to me by the police. But I couldn't cope with what happened. I started sleeping around because some how I thought it would make me feel better. It didn't. Every time made it that bit worse. But for some reason I continued. Come feb 2019, he is released without charge due to lack of evidence. He's now walking free and I fall further into a pit of depression, yet continuing what I was doing.

The father didn't know anything about me, I purposely hid everything from him. Because for some reason I hoped that if he didn't know my past and my suffering, maybe this one would like me and stick around. He didn't. I thought we got on well, he didn't live local and he came to stay with me after spending time talking over the phone. He even met my friend. Told me all the things I wanted to hear. Ended up staying even longer than we arranged because we got on so well. Then when he left, that was it. He was gone. Fast forward two weeks and I find out I'm pregnant. I've sent him messages with photos of the test. I've tried to be open and honest with how I feel, he just reads them and doesn't respond. Yet he doesn't block me on any forms of social media. None of it makes sense.

The few people I have told have basically told me to terminate.

They have valid points. He clearly doesn't want to be around. I do have two other children. I do also suffer with severe bouts of depression and I'm currently going through a really bad episode of it.

But I've had terminations before. They destroyed me mentally and the last one was excessively bad because the surgery didn't go to plan. I didn't wake up from the anaesthesia. When they gave me a reversal I started fitting and was rushed to another hospital. Those terminations I was bullied into by my ex husband. He was abusive mentally. He was military so didn't have the mental capacity to understand normal situations. I spent most of last year in a women's refuge once we finally got away. I was trapped and he made me so unwell that I ended up being sectioned last summer for a month. Nearly lost both my kids because of him. Eventually I got my shit together and I moved back home to my home town, but then two weeks after moving home I was raped which was in incident of November 2018.

I have no support from family. They have all drifted away from me as in July 2018 my mother attacked me, threw me to the floor by my hair, got on top of me and started punching me repeatedly over and over until my nose broke. Because I reported her to the police for GBH, they all stopped speaking to me. Apart from her sister, my aunt.

I know all of this sounds drastic, and when I write it all down it seems unbelievable. But I can assure you it's true. I had a terrible year. And things don't seem to get much better for me. My friends can't believe how bad my luck is.

So I guess my question is, what the hell do I do now?

What do I do about the father? Can I really cope? I'm so confused and feel absolutely heartbroken. I hate myself an insane amount and just keep thinking this won't stop until I'm dead. So many bad things happen to me that I don't want to be around for it to continue. But that's my depression talking, I know it.

Like I said at the beginning, I know I was an idiot. But I'd appreciate it if no one laid into me. I just wanted to talk to others who weren't involved, and even have to say it out loud to myself I guess.


acd2019 Wed 10-Apr-19 19:26:34

So sorry to hear that you’ve been through so much OP you poor thing! That’s a lot for anyone to deal with let alone dealing with mental health issues on top.

I think you really need to find some long term counseling to help you work through these traumas you’ve had in your life as these are whats causing the depression.

Regarding the new pregnancy all I can say is you have to do what is best for you because if a termination will cause you even more trauma then that’s probably not the best option but will you be able to cope with a new baby alone? If you go ahead you will be a single mum of 3 so you need to make sure you are currently strong enough to manage.

You are not an idiot we all makes mistakes it’s part of learning and growing in life so please don’t beat yourself up. Being raped is a terrible thing to endure and it has clearly had an impact on your personal boundaries regarding your own body and sex so please arrange some therapy as soon you feel ready so it doesn't cause you anymore damage.

Bad times don’t last in life and you are clearly a very strong person to have been through all you’ve been through. You don’t have an easy decision to make but you can only make the best one for you at this time in your life. flowers

MaverickSnoopy Wed 10-Apr-19 19:41:06

Starting point is do you think you want this baby?

Forget the father for a moment and just think about you and your children.

I'm so so sorry to hear of what you have gone through. It's horrific and it's not a wonder you are struggling. In your shoes I would terminate, although I appreciate that it wouldn't be an easy choice. You don't sound in the right place for a baby. I'm thinking of all of the sleepless nights and juggling 3 children on your own. I'm married with 3 children and it's HARD, it's nearly broken me at times. It's also wonderful and very rewarding, you just have so very much on your plate.

I'm not trying to talk you into a termination. If you want this baby then you can make it work. I agree that you need some support and some counselling though.

kamikazeshady Wed 10-Apr-19 22:15:31

A massive part of me thinks that a termination is the wrong decision. I'd say 85% of the time I feel okay with being pregnant and going ahead. But it's the rest of the time I freak out and think about how this baby will have minimal family. It's fathers side won't even know and probably wont be interested if his behaviours are anything to go by. And obviously it won't have a lot of my side of the family either. I feel terrible for the baby. But can't justify that as being as reason to terminate.

I even contacted him yesterday to tell him how I felt and about doubts. Laid it all out and asked him how he felt and what he was wanting. He just left me on read again. I have no idea how someone can stay dead silent in a situation as important as this.

With regards to counselling, I'm doing that every week. So far I feel I'm not benefiting from it. Talking about everything that happened doesn't fix it for me.

MaverickSnoopy Thu 11-Apr-19 13:13:12

I can understand that. I had counselling years ago and it did nothing for me. Keep going though because one day it might just click for you.

It might be that the father doesn't believe you. I wouldn't contact him again until you have a scan photo (if you go ahead). If you still don't get a reply then I would leave it until baby was born and then let him know and pursue maintenance. If you go ahead then I would be making that decision without him in the picture.

It sounds like your mind is mostly made up. No family isn't so much of an issue if you can build a support network but I also think it's important to be in a good emotional place when you have a baby, especially more than one (or at least as much as you can be). You'll make it work though if that's what you want but I think that to do that you need to not dwell so much on the father.

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