Hello,
I have been an on off user over the years. Seem to have found my way back during yet another crisis.
I want to be open and honest in this post, so there will be things that may trigger others... id also appreciate minimal judgment.
To try and cut a long story short:
I am currently approx 5 weeks pregnant. Probably a tad under. The father is a bloke I met from Tinder. I wasn't careful, I was stupid I know. This person disappeared after he met me and got what he wanted. Stupidly gave him what he wanted. The back story to it is that in November 2018 I was raped by a friend of mine. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. Following that incident, I was having counselling from rape crisis offered to me by the police. But I couldn't cope with what happened. I started sleeping around because some how I thought it would make me feel better. It didn't. Every time made it that bit worse. But for some reason I continued. Come feb 2019, he is released without charge due to lack of evidence. He's now walking free and I fall further into a pit of depression, yet continuing what I was doing.
The father didn't know anything about me, I purposely hid everything from him. Because for some reason I hoped that if he didn't know my past and my suffering, maybe this one would like me and stick around. He didn't. I thought we got on well, he didn't live local and he came to stay with me after spending time talking over the phone. He even met my friend. Told me all the things I wanted to hear. Ended up staying even longer than we arranged because we got on so well. Then when he left, that was it. He was gone. Fast forward two weeks and I find out I'm pregnant. I've sent him messages with photos of the test. I've tried to be open and honest with how I feel, he just reads them and doesn't respond. Yet he doesn't block me on any forms of social media. None of it makes sense.
The few people I have told have basically told me to terminate.
They have valid points. He clearly doesn't want to be around. I do have two other children. I do also suffer with severe bouts of depression and I'm currently going through a really bad episode of it.
But I've had terminations before. They destroyed me mentally and the last one was excessively bad because the surgery didn't go to plan. I didn't wake up from the anaesthesia. When they gave me a reversal I started fitting and was rushed to another hospital. Those terminations I was bullied into by my ex husband. He was abusive mentally. He was military so didn't have the mental capacity to understand normal situations. I spent most of last year in a women's refuge once we finally got away. I was trapped and he made me so unwell that I ended up being sectioned last summer for a month. Nearly lost both my kids because of him. Eventually I got my shit together and I moved back home to my home town, but then two weeks after moving home I was raped which was in incident of November 2018.
I have no support from family. They have all drifted away from me as in July 2018 my mother attacked me, threw me to the floor by my hair, got on top of me and started punching me repeatedly over and over until my nose broke. Because I reported her to the police for GBH, they all stopped speaking to me. Apart from her sister, my aunt.
I know all of this sounds drastic, and when I write it all down it seems unbelievable. But I can assure you it's true. I had a terrible year. And things don't seem to get much better for me. My friends can't believe how bad my luck is.
So I guess my question is, what the hell do I do now?
What do I do about the father? Can I really cope? I'm so confused and feel absolutely heartbroken. I hate myself an insane amount and just keep thinking this won't stop until I'm dead. So many bad things happen to me that I don't want to be around for it to continue. But that's my depression talking, I know it.
Like I said at the beginning, I know I was an idiot. But I'd appreciate it if no one laid into me. I just wanted to talk to others who weren't involved, and even have to say it out loud to myself I guess.
:(
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4 replies
kamikazeshady · 10/04/2019 08:53
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