Year on from termination

[Wheretoturnnext]

New to MN and very apprehensive about posting but anxiety levels are sky high and I don't know where else to turn. Sorry for the long rambling post...

About a year ago I had a termination. DH and I were in the early stages of discussing whether we wanted a second child (we have a DD) but were unsure how we felt and we hadn't made a decision. So pregnancy was unexpected and from the second I found out ante natal depression (as I now know it to be) hit me like a brick wall. My mental health deteriorated rapidly and I couldn't cope at all. I didn't know what was happening and was terrified, it felt like something had taken over me and I had no control about how I felt. I went to see my GP who was useless. I couldn't see how I could possibly carry on and so ended the pregnancy. DH was amazing and by my side at every step. I had some counselling afterwards because I wanted to try and understand what had happened to me, I never imagined I would ever feel that way. Counselling did help me to realise that I couldn't look back with a rational mind to something that wasn't rational at the time. I was unwell, as DH told me many times. I can't say I regret the decision as it was the best one I could make for me and my family at the time. Remembering the fear I had reminds me of that.

I have had good and bad days since and have felt better the last few months, enjoying my family and being thankful for what I have. Then a few days ago DD said that she would like a baby sister, and so everything has come flooding back. The one area of overwhelming guilt I have had through all of this is that DD with be an only child. I know (and have told myself a million times) that she will be just fine as an only, that there are lots of benefits and there is no guarantee that siblings will get on. But it never goes away, and after DD's comment I can think of nothing else. I'm now losing sleep over this and feel terrible.

I also feel cheated in a way (can't think of a better word) that DH and I never got to finish our discussion and have the time to decide what we wanted. I ruined that and feel so much guilt. I just don't know what to do next. I feel like I have no right to even consider another pregnancy, or even discuss it, and I can't risk the chance of feeling the same way again. I don't know if there is something I could do to get my head in a better place so I wouldn't feel like that. I am now 40 and feel like I've ruined everything and have no right to ask for help as this situation is my fault. But if there is any advice out there I would appreciate it.

[Marlena1]

I have no advice but what you went through sounds really tough. Your DH is right, you weren't well. It's not to late to discuss options.