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Pregnant DH is SAHD and doesn’t want another.

(85 Posts)
Jobea91 Sun 17-Mar-19 11:04:24

Feel so so stuck.
I have a 10month old daughter and work full time in a school, next year I’m meant to be working at that school + doing a PGCE and then I’ll be earning much more comfortable amount, but for these 2 years before I’m qualified money is very tight.
DH looks after DD and also works from home on a lot of different freelance jobs, he finds it very difficult sometimes but for multiple health reasons can’t go and work in an office environment and doesn’t want to use childcare until DD is older. Original plan was have second baby in around 3-5 years time.

So on Monday realised I’d been having pregnancy symptoms so took a pregnancy test thinking I was being silly, BFP, same Tuesday, then three days BFN then today a BFP again. Still preg symptoms all week.

My husband feels very stressed about me being pregnant and the idea of having to look after two babies and work from home.
I would take a long maternity leave in a heartbeat but I’ll only be able to afford 6-8 weeks.

We’ve talked a lot and he says Ive chosen a lot of big life decisions that have negatively impacted him (moving home from living abroad because I missed UK, choosing this career option which means much less money for 2 years, living I. London so I’m nearer my parents, having DD) and it’s selfish for me to keep this pregnancy when he would be the one looking after them in the day having the most difficult time. I say I’d have a difficult time getting no sleep and I do all childcare evening, night weekend and school holidays (I have DD all night and cosleep - he gets to sleep in different room) but he says I can choose for myself to make that sacrifice but can’t choose for him to sacrifice.
He said if there’s a way I can get much longer maternity leave or somehow work from home myself he would be happier to have to kid but we aren’t sure what I could do that wouldn’t drastically cut into savings or fuck up/massively delay my career.
Money is really tight at the moment and every pound is allocated, my parents know I’m pregnant and are very supportive and buy what they can to help with DD while money is tight (nappies and clothes) but they both work full time and can’t help with child care.

So I’m really not sure what to do, I feel like I’d just quit my job and live with parents to be able to look after them both myself until they’re old enough for childcare voucher help but my husband wouldn’t want to live with my parents and wouldn’t be able to afford his own rent somewhere else.

The idea of terminating this baby when I could technically figure it out and keep it makes me feel so sick and sad and reading accounts of what you go through for a termination is terrifying. I think the baby would be due in November and I’m about 6 weeks but I would just can’t imagine ever getting over it if I terminated it.
If I had a miscarriage I would be able to cope a lot better because I didn’t choose to do it if you know what I mean, I know it’s still very early and that could happen.
I have a doctors appointment tomorrow.
What can I do? Am I being selfish for thinking my husband should look after them for a couple of years rather than me having to terminate? Writing that out maybe it is. Maybe I’m so sad because I know probably termination is right.
He’s also said he wouldn’t agree to anything that involves delaying career or borrowing money - and says if I need more money I just need to figure out how much and make it online. I feel like I’m going to get put in a situation where I have a termination and he framed it as being my choice because I didn’t figure out a way to make more money. Howe we he also said he might not be able to go through with it if it came to it but think he wants me to lead the decision so he doesn’t feel as bad or something.
Am I being a dick? Just tell me if I should suck it up and do it,

MoMandaS Sun 17-Mar-19 11:12:18

This pregnancy is his responsibility as much as it is yours. If he doesn't want to be a SAHD he'll have to get a job to enable him to share childcare costs with you. He can't have it all his way. Throwing past decisions at you is pointless - was he really coerced into going along with you?

Moanymoaner123 Sun 17-Mar-19 11:16:51

Well he sounds like a dick, he doesn't want to go out to work but also doesn't want to use childcare? So he does both to a substandard level. Pfft. He is the one who needs to pull his socks up, from your OP it sounds like you are both the breadwinner and doing the shitwork of night wakings etc. And while you are taking steps to improve your earning potential he is doing what? Him making you feel guilty and trying to frame everything as your decision while pressuring you to terminate sounds pretty abusive to me. He didn't need to move to the UK, he didn't have to move to London, he could work to make up for the drop in income while you train but he is blaming you while having done nothing for himself. It sound like he is punishing you for being proactive. I'm guessing his health issues are unofficially diagnosed anxiety/depression? Sounds just like the many men I've had the misfortune to know who 'can't' work because of MH issues that no doctor has been informed of, they just cocklodge with sympathetic women bleeding them dry.

RebeccaWrongDaily Sun 17-Mar-19 11:20:44

tell him to piss off, he doesn't get to decide all this unilaterally.

If he doesn't want to look after his own kids he needs to pull his finger out of his arse and go get a job so someone else can do it.

He sounds weak, manipulative and pathetically controlling all in one, which is some feat.

Stormyday Sun 17-Mar-19 11:21:47

You need to find a way of increasing your maternity leave. If that means moving to your parents temporarily then you have to consider it.

ukgift2016 Sun 17-Mar-19 11:23:36

Wow at the people calling OP husband a dick.

He is the one at home with their baby all day, they are tight on money and yes he has a right to voice his concerns about having another child. Especially as he be the one looking after a second baby while trying to work at home as well!

I am stunned in this damn age you two could not practice having safe sex. I have never got pregnant by 'accident'. Your first child is only 10 months old. No words.

JaneEyre07 Sun 17-Mar-19 11:23:41

Honest answer, I'd get rid of the cocklodger, move in with your parents if they are willing, and sort out your career in a few years time.

Stormyday Sun 17-Mar-19 11:23:51

If he absolutely doesn’t want to be a sahd and you want the baby then I don’t think he should look after the two children.

Can you rethink your career plans and take some time out for a year or two? You need to be realistic. Ideally he would get a job of course but you say there are health issues.

thaegumathteth Sun 17-Mar-19 11:25:14

He sounds like a total arsehole. He doesn’t work out of the home - why doesn’t he do that and get a great paying job? Why is it all on you.

Personally I think getting a termination when you don’t think you could get over it would be a terrible idea for you and for your marriage:

ChariotsofFish Sun 17-Mar-19 11:26:18

Do you want to stay married to your DH? He’s being an arse about this, but you don’t mention how your relationship is otherwise. A termination when you don’t want one is a terrible idea.

ThatFalseEquivalenceTho Sun 17-Mar-19 11:26:41

Wait. He’s a SAHD but you do all night wakings AND go to work? Fuck that shit OP. Get rid of him, keep the baby and use proper childcare.

WithAllIntenseAndPurposes Sun 17-Mar-19 11:28:04

What a ridiculous comment uk!
If he didn't want a baby he shouldn't be having unsafe sex. It's not his say until he gets to be pregnant

Samind Sun 17-Mar-19 11:29:40

@uk. The OP is not asking for a lecture on safe sex or getting pregnant by accident.

TacoLover Sun 17-Mar-19 11:30:15

Tbh I don't think he is being unreasonable. It sounds impossible to look after a newborn and another baby while working from home.

We’ve talked a lot and he says Ive chosen a lot of big life decisions that have negatively impacted him (moving home from living abroad because I missed UK, choosing this career option which means much less money for 2 years, living I. London so I’m nearer my parents, having DD)

Is it true that he made a lot of sacrifices for you and your career OP?

Samind Sun 17-Mar-19 11:31:42

Also OP that's an awful lot of pressure on your shoulders. I think as pp's are saying go and stay with parents. You're doing everything and he's making you feel that he is. Then wants you to sort something that is both your problem to sort. I hope you get some sound advice on this thread.

Katterinaballerina Sun 17-Mar-19 11:32:00

You have some time to think. Am I understanding correctly that it’s you DH who doesn’t want to use childcare until your DD is older? So he chose to be a SAHD?

Holidayshopping Sun 17-Mar-19 11:34:39

You sound in a very stressful position-I have no idea why you are working and co sleeping whilst he gets to sleep in a different bed though-how is that fair?

Please be aware that the PGCE is a killer-it’s a truly horrible year, the NQT is harder and I actually found the year after that even worse before things started to pick up a bit. Going into the whole profession when you are in a fragile position, needs pretty careful consideration.

C0untDucku1a Sun 17-Mar-19 11:36:26

Your husband is bu. Totally unreasonable. He could decide to postpone having a child BEFORE you got pregnant. Not after!

Jobea91 Sun 17-Mar-19 11:38:09

Haha thank you 😫

Jobea91 Sun 17-Mar-19 11:41:49

Yeah that’s the difficulty. We lived in Japan for a while and I earned a lot and he didn’t have to eat as much with his freelance work so had more choice of jobs he chose.
But we wanted a baby and I pushed for it a little earlier than he wanted but we both were ttc.
Then when I got pregnant I had a major panic in third trimester and wanted to return to uk to give birth and bring up the baby but that would mean a major cut in my pay so he would have to earn more and look after DD.

TooManyGlasses Sun 17-Mar-19 11:43:00

How come you will only be able to afford 6-8 weeks’ maternity leave? Are you positive about this? Try going to Citizens’ Advice Bureau and asking about benefits including maternity benefit.

Working from home while looking after one child is very difficult, and it will be practically impossible with two. I work from home and can only work properly while they’re asleep / out / on iPads, and my youngest is three. And if they’re always on iPads or otherwise playing on their own, then they’re not getting out in the fresh air or getting much attention. So I certainly sympathise with your husband (and baby) on that score.

If you can get them out of that situation and get a reasonable amount of maternity leave and financial help, I would keep the new baby for your own peace of mind.

But definitely find out about benefits ASAP.

Good luck!

Jobea91 Sun 17-Mar-19 11:45:24

Yeah originally he thought would be easier than it is and thought makes sense as he can make money at home and I wouldn’t be able to unless going to a job. But since then he said he regrets deciding to be sahd but our set up is difficult to do a different option. He works almost all the time weekdays eve and weekends to make up for what he can’t do while with Dd.

Jobea91 Sun 17-Mar-19 11:47:26

Yeah it’ll be insane but feel like life’s kind of intense anyway. He copes much worse with less sleep and I can go back to sleep easier. I’m also exclusively breastfeeding so not much he could actually do to help at night and messing about with pumping and bottles so he helps just more effort.

Jobea91 Sun 17-Mar-19 11:48:32

Oh but also with PGCE the school Allie you to postpone a term at a time so I could do a slower route with it or something x

Jobea91 Sun 17-Mar-19 11:49:03

*school allow not Allie lol

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