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Should I bring a baby into this situation?

(11 Posts)
MamaMilkMachine Tue 12-Mar-19 21:40:22

So I've found my self pregnant it's unexpected and unplanned. I'm so confused about what to do. I initially thought I was sure that I didn't want to go through with the pregnancy but now I have booked a termination and I am so scared that I am making the wrong decision. I'm 6 weeks gone and the appointment is booked for 2 weeks time. The reasons I don't think I can continue the pregnancy are; I have a 22 month old who is still co sleeping and breastfeeding, she's very fast paced and hard work. I would want her to feel pushed out. She is due to start nursery next month while I am at work, I haven't had to pay childcare so far as a family member has cared for her. I will get no funding so it's going to be expensive (half my part time salary) once the baby comes I would have to come out of work for a long time and I can't afford it. My OH earns well but has a gambling problem and has put himself in thousands of pounds worth of debt so we don't see all of his salary. He also works away during the week so I would be doing this alone for the most of it. I'm not sure I could cope with my LO and a new born. OH started to refurbish the house recently but we haven't got the money to finish it and we am currently living in our bedroom. However I feel like having a sibling is an amazing thing. I am very close to mine. LO does have a half sister but there is a large age gap and she doesn't live with us. I'm petrified that I go through with this and live to regret it. OH has said he will support my decision either way but I know we won't manage financially and the gambling has put a massive strain on our relationship already. He has also said he would not consider having another one in a few years time. I don't know what I'm asking really just wanted to know other peoples views on my situation. If you got to the end of this long rambling post then thank you for taking the time to read it.

MazDazzle Tue 12-Mar-19 21:43:41

How is your relationship with your partner otherwise ie aside from the past gambling?

MazDazzle Tue 12-Mar-19 21:44:11

And does he still gamble now?

MamaMilkMachine Tue 12-Mar-19 21:45:49

It's good aside from that, but the gambling has affected all aspects of our relationship. And it's a current problem he is still doing it.

MazDazzle Tue 12-Mar-19 22:01:17

If it’s a current problem and he’s not seeking help to stop completely, then it will put an increased strain on your relationship.

This pregnancy aside, how do you see things panning out long term?

How keen are you for your toddler to have a sibling? If things don’t work out with your partner do you have time to meet someone else and start a family with them? How prepared/able are you to go it alone? If your partner was out of the picture completely, would you be more/less willing to keep the baby?

A lot can happen in the next 7 months. I have a toddler who is nearly 3. They now sleep all night in their own bed (mostly). Don’t need naps and can amuse themselves. They still need plenty of attention and cuddles, but it wouldn’t be impossible if I had another baby. Even 6 months ago I was wondering how on earth people managed, but now I think I could. My point is, things change very quickly. And with babies and toddlers, it gets easier as time goes on.

You’re in a tricky situation and it sucks that your partner is addicted to gambling. Would I be wrong in saying he’s the problem, not the pregnancy?

MazDazzle Tue 12-Mar-19 22:02:37

Sorry. I didn’t mean to ask so many questions. blush

MamaMilkMachine Tue 12-Mar-19 22:11:59

I hope to spend the rest of my life with him but only if the gambling stops. He knows its a big issue and is trying to stop but not seeking actual help. It stoped for 6 months when my LO was born and it was great our relationship was brilliant. I don't think I could manage alone and wouldn't want to be a struggling single mum of 2 claiming benefits, in reality it is the situation I would end up in. I live in a house that he owns and work part time. I want to give my daughter a good life and for her to have love, stability and nice things. When my period was late I was praying that I wasn't pregnant, but I am struggling with the thought of having a termination.

MamaMilkMachine Tue 12-Mar-19 22:17:23

I feel like if everything was going well I would consider keeping the baby which is why I'm struggling with the decision. It's not the fact I don't ever want another child it's the fact I don't want one in the situation I am in.

Xmasbaby11 Tue 12-Mar-19 22:19:06

I would have the baby. You know you will want another baby at some point so i think it would be too hard for you to terminate. The age gap is not too small and your toddler will change immensely in 7 months. I had a 24 month age gap and it was hard - friends with 30 months plus found it easier as the toddler was more mature.

I agree it's not an ideal situation .. it really depends how you feel, obviously your dp too.

MazDazzle Tue 12-Mar-19 22:39:19

Is he willing to try to seek help? The fact that he stopped for 6 months shows he must know he has a problem and wanted to stop.

You are in a vulnerable situation as you are not married and living in his house. Do you have any plans to marry?

If you kept the baby, how soon before you could go back to work? I was lucky enough to have a year off with my first, but had to go back to work when my second was four months old. My circumstances changed and it was for the best at the time.

Your partner may or may not be with you for the rest of your life. However, the decision you make, whether to terminate or continue with the pregnancy will stay with you forever.

I’ve never had a termination, but I know a few people who have. Sadly, they regretted it. That’s not to say everyone feels like this. There are probably many women who have had terminations and their lives were the better for it.

I’m sorry you’re in such a tough predicament. It won’t be easy, no matter what you do. flowers

MamaMilkMachine Tue 12-Mar-19 22:53:36

@Xmasbaby11 I do think there will be feelings of regret if I had a termination but I also think the strain of a new born baby would be too much for me to cope with. It's such a hard decision and I'm very angry with myself for been in this predicament.

@MazDazzle you speak very wise words and have given me a lot to think about. If I had this baby there's a chance my relationship would be pushed to breaking point. If I ended up alone I couldn't return to work for around two years, It would be when my DD was of school age and I could get funding for the younger child's care. My salary even with tax credits would not cover the cost of living and putting two children in childcare meaning I would have to give up my current job. I just hope that in two weeks time I am sure of what I want to do. Thank you for your replies

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