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Can't choose between keeping and I a shitty person?

(21 Posts)
hopl Tue 12-Mar-19 21:38:56

Hello, I'm in a really bad place at the moment. I have recently found out I'm pregnant and I'm about 7 weeks. This was a shock for myself and my partner but for me it isn't the end of the world completely. I am aware that at our life stage, a baby isn't a perfect thing right now but I cannot being myself to termination. I have opted for a surgical termination, however I am hating myself for choosing this. I know there's no problem with abortions or anyone that's had one, but I feel so guilty. None of my family know, only my boyfriend. I am young 20s. Has anyone ever been stuck before or regretted terminating? I know I'd be okay if I kept my child but I also know it'll be hard and my partner isn't pushing me to terminate, but I know he'd rather I did sad so lost right now

minion345 Tue 12-Mar-19 21:47:31

Around this time last year I fell pregnant and found out when I was 6 weeks. This was a total shock for both me and my partner at the time. I wanted to keep the baby even though it wasn't the best timing but from the get go he always said Have a abortion. I lived with him at the time as I had no family he told me that if I didn't have a abortion then he would kick me out and make me homeless! In the end I ended up having a abortion and there is not a minute that goes by when I don't think about
I 100% regret it and really do wish that I had put my baby first and just got my own place and did my best! This has now caused me to have severe depression.
Please go with how you feel x

EmperorBallpitine Tue 12-Mar-19 21:49:53

I think you need to be clear that neither descision will be without regrets or consequences. There isn't really a right choice....
I got pregnant on my honeymoon which was not planned, in fact quite the opposite. My partner wasn't happy, I was shocked. It was a bad time, work wise.... I booked in for the termination. Personally I cried nonstop for three days without really knowing why and then decided that my situation (married!) meant that it was not the right choice to terminate. I am happy with my (13yo) choice and have had so much joy from being a mother. But my career was ruined and I have never regained the chances I gave up professionally. My dh changed job to be around more often, I know he sometimes regrets that.
Only you know how important the other bits of your life are to you.... I suggest more talking with partner. Lay out hard all your thoughts and feelings. Take time to listen to your inner gut feeling, you don't have to rush into it. Your choice. Is there a counselling option with that termination? I found that helpful.
Good luck and may your choice sit easily with you, whichever it is

MoseShrute Tue 12-Mar-19 21:52:17

Had a termination at your age. Have never ever regretted it. Its a myth that women are somehow scarred for life by this...not every woman feels as if they have to feel guilty

Happyspud Tue 12-Mar-19 21:53:35

I had a termination in my early 20’s. To be honest looking back it was the most important and right decision of my life. I’m glad I didn’t tie myself to a boyfriend (rather than someone I’d carefully decided to stay with forever) and I was able to make a clear and exciting decision to have children once I was in a good and considered situation to have them. I’ve a really lucky and lovely life now, 4 beautiful kids, but I wouldn’t have this if I’d had that baby for various reasons. All the best will in the world couldn’t have solved some of the issues I would have had financially, emotionally and location wise if I’d had that baby. I’ve never regretted it for a second.

You have your own life and situation I know nothing about but thought my story might give some balance to the responses.

jenny8916652 Wed 13-Mar-19 21:36:27

I had a termination last Friday for different reasons and I really feel from broken from the whole thing. I think it may be a lot harder for you as you are in a relationship and if you are in two minds then really think this through. No one is truly ready for a baby but if you can make it work then really think about your decision. Regret is very common after an abortion, I wasn’t in a stable relationship and had other issues but I still feel regret, deep heartache and emptiness form what I’ve done and wish I was stronger in myself to have gone ahead flowers

HeyCarrieAnneWhatsYourGame Wed 13-Mar-19 21:42:18

I think it’s very easy for me to say now, but had I fallen pregnant in my early 20s to one of men I had relationships with in my early 20s, that would have impacted on my life in very negative ways for which me now (mid 30s) would feel some regret.

If I’d fallen pregnant a bit later but unexpectedly by my now DH, different situation entirely, but I would have known in my heart that it wasn’t life ruining, I suspect. Only you know your circumstances.

IncrediblySadToo Wed 13-Mar-19 21:57:12

What you need to remember is that this is your decision. What your partner thinks about it has to be irrelevant because having a termination because it’s what he wants (if you don’t) will ruin your relationship and keeping it (if he doesn’t want you to) might ruin your relationship. NEITHER choice is good for your relationship. So all you can focus on is what you want to do about it for your own sake.

hopl Wed 13-Mar-19 22:06:36

Thank you everyone. My partner is very supportive and has been patient and says it's my decision and it'll be okay either way, I just am scared of either decision to be honest! I have booked my appointment for termination next Thursday, hopefully I'll have a clearer mind by then and my partner is staying all this week and next week so hopefully we can come to a decision together. The procedure itself sounds terrifying (surgical termination with the suction thing) and that's scaring me enough as it is! I feel trapped and quite unstable at the moment, this is the hardest thing that's ever happened to me sad as pp said, no ones ever ready I guess but I do think I can make it work

Starlight456 Wed 13-Mar-19 22:13:11

Tbh you don’t sound clear whether you want the baby or not and what the concern is about having the baby.

I think the biggest regret is the women who want to continue the pregnancy.

Tunnockswafer Wed 13-Mar-19 22:16:36

I’m not 100% that having him staying with you every minute between now and the booked termination is either supportive or wise. You need a bit of breathing space to make your decision, it’s not up to him and you need to make the best choice for you away from other influences.

whatamidoingwithmylife Wed 13-Mar-19 22:56:24

I went through this at the end of last year and it's very stressful and upsetting.

Your partner sounds more supportive than mine was at the time. I knew my partner didn't want to keep it and it wasn't the right time for a baby for either of us.

I decided to terminate as I knew this was the right decision but it didn't make it any easier to do. I waited 3mths until I was sure and I strongly advise you not to wait this long as it was so much worse than if I'd done it straight away.
I was in such a mess at the hospital making my decision they couldn't even do the paperwork or the discussions with me.

I was too far along for surgical so had to have the tablets and basically give birth. I was deeply affected seeing my baby fully formed and never thought I'd get over it but 3mths later I'm surprisingly ok. Once the hormones calmed down I was back in reality and apart from a couple of times, I've not been that upset over it all.

smallereveryday Thu 14-Mar-19 08:32:16

Also like you I fell pg in my early 20s to a very kind loving partner. He didn't push, (like yours) but I also knew he wanted a termination not just for him but for both of us. A baby is for life. The person you have it with is for life. I loved my partner but I hadn't chosen him as the father for my children. The life chances for a child who is planned, within a marriage (or ltr) and stable secure financial foundation - to a mother who has finished her education and has a clear career path established - are much much more favourable than for a child born without those safeguards. I wanted all the opportunities stability can buy for my dcs. I had a termination after changing my mind three times .. and do not regret it. Not once. It was the right choice for all of us.
I now have 7 lovely children (4 dsc) and they have the life I wanted to provide for them. - no it's not about money, that helps but it is a long way down the list from a stable home and parents who love each other.

lasttimeround Fri 15-Mar-19 15:53:19

It's really only you who can know what's right for you. But fwiw I had a termination in my 20s and it wasn't a big trauma. It wasn't fun and uncomfortable physically but I'm not scarred. I'm often irritated that on tv etc it's always this giant trauma. Obviously I thought hard. I had options. Then I made a decision I was happy with and it was ok.

kayakingmum Fri 15-Mar-19 15:59:26

Please try to follow your instincts. The impression I get is you don't want to terminate. Try to imagine how you would feel afterwards.
Mainly relief, regret or something else?
That might help you make a decision. It's a tough call, but at least you can make the decision. Others get forced into doing things they don't want to do.

coffeeismyspinach Fri 15-Mar-19 16:44:00

You don't want to terminate. Don't. His preference is irrelevant.

GinUnicorn Fri 15-Mar-19 16:54:57

You are not a shitty person!

When I fell pregnant (no idea how still as we used condoms) and I was totally confused. I actually booked an appointment for an abortion then couldn’t stop crying.

For me i realised I didn’t want a abortion and I couldn’t love my dd more but everyone is different - my friend had an abortion around the same time and is completely fine.

Can you delay a bit if you aren’t sure? Or maybe speak to an impartial counsellor to work our your feelings (just be careful they aren’t pro-life)

Wish you all the best whatever you decide flowersflowers

hopl Fri 15-Mar-19 19:12:32

Hello, thank you for your answers. I think you're right, deep down I don't want this termination. I'm terrified of the actual procedure and I know I'm going to be extremely depressed afterwards for a long time. Whatever choice I make has consequences, I just need to weigh up which has more pros than cons. I have my appointment booked for next Thursday but I know I'll be so upset when I go and I don't know if I'll go through with it. I was crying when I made the call to book the appointment too so I really think that means I shouldn't terminate.

Thank you for all responding, I understand I sound a mess at the moment sad is a hard time

GinUnicorn Fri 15-Mar-19 20:19:11

If you don’t want a termination you don’t have to have one. I felt the same a few years ago but you can do this if you want to x

5BlueHydrangea Fri 15-Mar-19 20:33:44

I got pregnant at 17, nearly 18. Termination wasn't an option for me so I kept the baby although it wasn't easy. Have never regretted having dd even though her father decided whilst I was pregnant it had nothing to do with him so has actually only laid eyes on her once whenever she was tiny and never since and she's in her 20's now!
Once over the shock my family were very supportive which helped.
Keep the baby...

whatamidoingwithmylife Sun 17-Mar-19 11:20:06

Make sure you make the right decision for your child. I was a complete mess when I went through with the decision to terminate - so bad that I couldn't even sign the papers and had to do it on the day of the procedure.

Once I'd made the decision I was in a better place and on the day I wasn't anywhere near the state I'd been in on my first visit to hospital. I know that I would have struggled to look after a child and it would have affected my job (meaning I would have very little money to bring up the child). My partner wasn't 100% about having a child either and I wanted to bring up a child knowing it was 100% wanted by both parents.

I never thought I'd get over it but I have and it's rare I think of the 'what if's'.

@smallereveryday speaks a lot of sense about stability and this is very important.

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