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Struggling with abortion

(8 Posts)
Lucy299 Mon 25-Feb-19 21:37:00

Hi

I don’t know if this is the right section for this but I’m struggling atm as the title suggest.. I had an abortion in August last year (please no judging ) and I regret it deeply I am not over it at all.

The pregnancy wasn’t planned and my Rship is/ wasn’t great at all.. the dad didn’t react well although he never forced me into anything and said he wound support regardless but he is very unreliable and I have no family where I live and I have a mortgage and live alone. I ended up going for a termination with my friend he didn’t come with me and we didn’t speak much during the weeks I was deciding this was a little longer as I found out very early and I couldn’t book in till a viable pregnancy was seen on the scan. I did post on here around the time when I was still pregnant as I didn’t know what to do.

Deep deep down I don’t think this guy wasnt really the one for me to have a baby with however I have conflicting thoughts that I should have done it alone cos I do and have really wanted a baby for a long time however I just though I wouldn’t cope alone.

I’m 29 was 28 at the time and I know many on here will say that’s really young but I just feel i made a mistake and especially to terminate at my age.

I have now found myself obsessed with being pregnant I will always notice pregnant women etc and I know when my due date would
Have been and I know how many weeks I would have been now. It doesn’t help his sister is pregnant and due next month and only 22 we both found out at the same time and it makes me feel shit !. I really regret my decision and even though I did have about 3 weeks to decide which felt line a life time I really wish I had thought about it more and spoken to my mum she has no idea about any of this .

Sorry I just really wanted to get this off my chest

mrsgumpy Tue 26-Feb-19 02:22:46

I don't really have any advice to give but just wanted to let you know I am in a similar position. Except it was my husband who pressured me. I waited until I was 14 weeks as it was so hard to go through with. I had seen the scans etc (little nose, feet etc) but couldn't have it without my husbands support. Two colleagues at work are due the same time as I would have been (one is in the office next to me). It is so awful. I am hoping with time things improve xx

liveandletgo Tue 26-Feb-19 10:03:01

Hi Lucy,
I was in your situation in 2014 when I was hugely coerced into an abortion. I was always the person that said 'I would never do that' and then I found myself in such a difficult situation at only 17 and with a 1 year old already. The whole process in terms of the termination was smooth but emotionally it was earth shattering and I felt like I was dying from heartache for so long. All I can say is it does get better in time. Remember that you made your decision for a reason, that you felt it was for the best. Look after yourself, keep yourself busy and do something that will make you feel good. It's important to forgive yourself although I know myself that is so, so hard. I still now suffer with flashbacks and punishing myself. You have to grieve in order to move on, I wrote a letter to my baby and it did help. I hope you're ok and remember you will feel much better soon. Take care and if you want to chat anymore feel free thanks

User3876 Mon 04-Mar-19 14:18:08

I had an abortion at a similar age and became consumed by regret for a very long time.

I only really managed to fully forgive myself once I became pregnant again because I realised how massive a thing it is to handle emotionally and physically, even planned, it throws everything upside down.

I thought to myself “I’ve done this on purpose and I’m happy about it, but I’m also terrified, daunted, confused, worried and sad too, how can I keep hating my past self when all those emotions were thrust upon me unplanned, then in the middle of all those emotions, I had to make a life changing decision as quickly as possible”. I started to look at my past self with kindness because past me was doing her best.
I accept that I made the wrong choice for me but I am over it now, and just accept it as part of my tapestry. It doesn’t mean I stopped regretting - I think I’ll always wonder and always have those marker dates in my head - but I found peace with it all. It took time.

The website afterabortion.com had some really useful advice. Also, there should be counselling available at the clinic you used as part of your aftercare.

You’ll get there flowers

Worried1234rrr Mon 04-Mar-19 15:28:49

@mrsgrumpy sorry to hear your going through this too that must have been really
Hard to deal with at 14 weeks.. I was 6 weeks when I had mine. The colleague thing must be really hard too I’m lucky I don’t have to see his sister or I would struggle.. she is due any day now my on/ off partner kinda avoids the subject and knows I get upset when he mentions his soon to be niece so he’s probably going to feel awkward telling me when she’s born. I really hope things improve for you xx

@liveandletgo I felt I would be one of them ppl who wouldn’t ever consider it either but it is so easy to say that until your in the situation I really did battle with the decision for a few weeks but my partner was just really unsupportive and I felt so alone. I do try to keep busy but certain things will trigger it off and I’m approaching my would be due date.. also I can just be out and about and with mother’s day approaching I see something in the shops and then the thoughts start again. I feel I have now become a bit obsessed at the thought of being pregnant again. I’m not on contraception due to other reasons so me and my partner use condoms.. I have an irregular cycle so I can often think I’m late when I’m not and I’ll become obsessed and start testing even though I know we used a condom. This month alone I’ve done two tests already. When they are negative I feel sad and I secretly hope they are postive but then I have to kick myself and think me and him are in no place to have a baby ! If I told any or my friends this they wouldn’t understand. The letter thing sounds like a good idea but the thought of writing it makes me feel like I wanna cry ! Thanks for all your advice xxx

@user3876 thanks for your replie.. I too feel very consumed by regret and it seems to be all I think about at the moment. I don’t have any children but like you’ve said my friends who do had thoughts when they had there babies told me how much of a huge life changing thing it is and how it really did throw their life’s upside down so I guess I did make the right decision as it wasn’t the right time in my life.

I am going to have a look at that website thanks I am currently having conselling through my workplace I have my last session tonight although I haven’t found her all that useful to be honest I think I need some kind of conselling from one of the clinics. I did have conselling before the abortion from two different places one was awful and was clearly pro life and I felt terrible after the phone call she was telling me family friends and partner will come round to the baby and change their minds but a termination can not be undone and how at mine and my partners age we should be considering having children and about fertitly etc I honestly don’t know how I didn’t hang up it was that bad. I did try and access BPAS conselling but every time I tried to call the line it just kept putting me through to the bookings line so I gave up. Thanks for your advice xxx

Worried1234rrr Mon 04-Mar-19 15:29:38

Sorry I’ve posted on another name as I posted a different thread and changed my name due to someone on her possibly regognisin me

flowercrown Mon 04-Mar-19 16:57:35

@Worried1234rrr I felt exactly how you are feeling now just after my termination. I feel like I could myself have written what you have. I also was obsessed with being pregnant too, I wanted back what I took away. My reasons for having the termination stood then and still stand now and I know that I wouldn't have the 2 children I have today if I didn't go through with it back then. Are you in a new relationship now OP? Either way I hope things are going well for you in general. Please be kind to yourself, that's the most important thing first and foremost. I know it's difficult to keep busy as I struggle with that too. Maybe plan yourself a little holiday with your partner around the time of what would have been your due date and do something special that you otherwise wouldn't have been able to do. One thing I know for sure is that having my termination taught me a great deal about myself and taught me lessons I'll carry in life forever. As for what anyone else thinks, pay no attention to it. They have no idea what you've been through and how you feel, I read somewhere that women who have had abortions are together in a sisterhood that we never planned to be apart of. And I truly feel only we know how we feel and why we did it. I really hope you start feeling better soon, I promise you will. One day, when the time is right, you'll have a little baby and that baby you wouldn't have if you didn't make the choices you made. May life bless you really soon, take care xx

Worried1234rrr Mon 04-Mar-19 18:00:00

@flowercrown thanks for your reply that really made me feel better especially the end part. I’m
Not in a new relationship no im still with the would have been dad and I guess tnat is another big issue for me although he expresses his deep regret for treating me how he did when I was pregnant and admits he was scared and didn’t no what to do I don’t think I forgive him I bring it up a lot in arguments. The planning a holiday is a nice idea but He doesn’t even talk about this issue he is ashamed of his actions and I think when I bring it up he doesn’t know what to say or do without me going mad. I feel it i say to him I wanna do something around that date he may think I’m silly. As the woman we have a bigger attachment straight away from the postive test and the men don’t so tbh I really don’t think he understands at all although he says he does he wasn’t attached to the baby at all. I know what your saying is right and I know that I had to do this and as you said my reasons still stand too. I think my Rship is just getting me down too and I’m just worrying I’m never gna have kids silly I no ! Xx

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