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22 years old, 7 weeks preg, can't decide what's best.

(22 Posts)
Sophie0983 Mon 04-Feb-19 19:13:21

I did already ask MN about this in an old thread but still so confused and lost...

Title says it all really! me and my partner found out we were pregnant 3 weeks ago. Suspected ectopic, then suspected miscarriage, now all ok at 7 weeks. Rollercoaster already! We live together (rented) and have an amazing relationship, though only been together 6 months (but known each other through work for two years). He has a good job full time, I am in my final year of uni with 3 months to go, no job as of yet when I finish.

My mom, dad, and brother feel that I would be better off having a baby in a few years when I've got job security, we've got a mortgage and more money behind us. All fair although we do have a couple of grand in savings now. They feel I'm too young and we are both not ready to be parents.

My boyfriend feels that a termination would be devastating for him and traumatic for me, which we agree on. But we also agree on the fact that we haven't had much time alone, we would be giving away our younger years to raising a child and both feel we would like to have more holidays alone and just generally less to think about for a couple more years! At the same time, we would only like to get pregnant in 2/3 years time so is that enough time alone to want to justify an abortion right now? His sister has just had a baby, she's weeks old and it would be nice for them to grow up together. Argh.

It ultimately comes down to whether we have a termination to keep a couple more years to ourselves, or we go ahead and make the most of the 7/8 months left alone, including go on a holiday just us... what do you all think? honest opinions?

Bigonesmallone3 Mon 04-Feb-19 19:18:19

Keep it..
I had my first in a worse position than you but we had been together 6 months..
11 years later I wouldn't change a thing about my life..
I would disregard the opinions of extended family.. it's yours and your DPs decision.

God forbid in a couple years time u struggled to conceive, then what..

AmIOTTconcerned Mon 04-Feb-19 19:24:57

I was pregnant with my first at 22. DP and I were renting. Still are (I'm now almost 27). I kept the baby as I couldn't terminate. We still rent but plan to get a mortgage in a few years once I'm working full time. Things are just being done in a different order.

Yes there are times I feel like I didn't have enough time with DP "just us" and perhaps if I could rewrite time I would have liked to wait a few more years. But we're still happy and our DD being born was the best time of our lives. It brought us closer together in ways I could never imagine. In fact we planned to have a second not long after and now we have a 4 and 2.5 yo old smile

PRoseLegend Mon 04-Feb-19 19:31:44

If you're in a good relationship, and you do eventually want kids, then tbh I think having an abortion now will be something you regret.
And think of it this way: you're giving your young years to raising a child, which is best because you're full of energy, healthy, can run around after a child easier, and your body will bounce back quicker. You will also be "done" with kids earlier, and can go on holidays while in your 40s. Not that you can't go on holidays with children, there's plenty of child-friendly holidays you can do (maybe not backpacking, but you can still travel with children once they're a bit older).
The older you get, the more difficulties you are likely to have trying to conceive, and the higher the risk of health problems for you and baby (particularly once over 40).

Ultimately you have to live with this decision for the rest of your life. You can't go back and be not pregnant anymore, the deed is done and you have a baby growing inside you.
What you do now will affect you forever, whether it's keeping the baby or having an abortion.
If you feel that an abortion would be traumatic, then don't do it.
If you decide to keep the baby, then think about all the possibilities: who will support you? Is your partner's family supportive of you? Is your family supportive?
What about your work and financial situation? Do you have somewhere to live once the baby arrives? Who will be the main carer? Who will continue working? Will you both be working? Etc
Not that these are deterrents from having a baby, I mean my parents lived in a caravan park when they had me, and I turned out fine.
But they are things you will need to think about and plan for.
Having a child is hard work, but it's a joy and a blessing as well, and it can either make or break your relationships.

And at the end of the day, our babies don't need us to have a great career, or a nice house, or the perfect child-rearing environment. Our babies just need us to love them, nurture them, and do our best to keep them safe. If you think you can do this, then you will be fine.

namechangedforanon Mon 04-Feb-19 19:35:30

I had a termination at 21 and I'm glad I did as the relationship didn't go the distance and I wouldn't have had the life and the opportunities I have now .

I wasn't mentally ready and didn't want a baby .

It wasn't a traumatic experience for me and if you do decide that's your option I'm happy to talk to you about it

But you have to decide what you really want in your heart of hearts

Thinking of you whatever you decide x

TeddyIsaHe Mon 04-Feb-19 19:36:42

I have been in your position and I had an abortion. I don’t regret it, I knew it wasn’t the right time for me. I now have dd and I know I couldn’t have coped in my early 20s with a baby.

However you sound a lot, lot more mature than I was at 22 and your relationship seems pretty solid. A baby is the hardest thing you’ll ever do, so really think about it. But don’t have a termination because of anyone else apart from what is best for you.

When I fell pregnant with dd in less than ideal circumstances I just knew that I was having her and nothing would change my mind. Best thing I have ever done! I’m constantly tired and stressed, but when she runs up and gives me a massive cuddle and says “lub oooo” I know I made the right choice. You’ll know is basically what I’m trying to say!

Sophie0983 Mon 04-Feb-19 19:38:11

Thank you for your responses! It is the hardest decision I have ever and feel like will ever be faced with! really don't know what is the deciding factor for us and what is best. It's so tough.

ChubRubTheStruggleIsReal Mon 04-Feb-19 19:57:02

I had my daughter when I was 21, it’s been really hard as I’m on my own. She’s 14 now and not in a zillion years would I change a thing. My friend had an abortion same time as I found out I was pregnant and has regretted it everyday. We hardly see each other now as she can’t spend time with my dd. It’s really sad to see.
Not everyone reacts how she did, but I think if you have any doubts, you shouldn’t ever just have an abortion to buy yourself a couple more child free years.
As for the opinions of your parents/brother (🤔) they don’t matter, your body, your life- I think it’s bizarre how they would encourage a termination unless there’s other factors at play- do they like your bf?

Blueflower22 Tue 05-Feb-19 15:06:41

@Bigonesmallone3 hey, what position were you in if you don't mind me asking? And how has your career planned out and finances ?
Do you regret not having time with your partner when going on holidays or just dates every now and again?

@Sophie0983
I'm kind of in the same situation but don't know if I am pregnant. I will find out in about two weeks of waiting. I am also a uni student and not sure what to do as I have a planned year of teacher training that I would have to cancel if I found out I was, and I was looking forward to that, but not sure that I could go through with a termination.

I guess my advise for you is: did you feel sad when you were suspecting your miscarriage? Was it a bad feeling or the worst emotions ever? I guess then you'll know what you want if you think about that previous situation

Blueflower22 Tue 05-Feb-19 15:08:26

@AmIOTTconcerned how comes it helped to make you closer? A lot of people say that having a baby makes it worse?

itsinthebank Tue 05-Feb-19 15:13:28

I had a termination at 22, still think about what a good decision that was. My then boyfriend and I would never have lasted through the strain of child rearing & then I would have been tied to him for years. I didn’t find it traumatic.

I had another unplanned pregnancy at 24 & kept it - similar feeling that we would be trying to conceive a few years later so why not now? She’s now 10 and we have 2 more. I don’t regret it, but it had a huge impact on my career, which had barely started.

Blueflower22 Tue 05-Feb-19 16:34:25

@itsinthebank how do you know that you wouldn't have lasted?

itsinthebank Tue 05-Feb-19 16:46:42

@Blueflower22 actually in part because he went on to have another (unplanned) child with another woman & I've gathered some stuff from that situation, we still have friends in common. We had only been together for 6m when I fell pregnant & although we were head over heels at that point, actually we have very different ideas about child rearing, lifestyle etc. I'm quite a different person to the one I was at 21/22 (I am 35 now) & we haven't changed in the same direction.

Sophie0983 Tue 05-Feb-19 17:02:04

@itsinthebank how did it impact on your career if you don't mind me asking?

@blueflower22 Sorry you're going through it too - how do you feel about getting that result? We did feel really sad once a miscarriage was on the cards but now all of that's over we are really nervous to see our heartbeat scan tomorrow. Got a gut feeling that will change things for us, as in make us certain of the pregnancy, but you never know until you're in it!

TW sexual assault ---

I am avoidant of any trauma from a termination as I was raped last year by my ex boyfriend. I feel that it could be traumatic because of someone else doing something to my body that I'm not 100% on, and the overall process of losing something so precious and obviously, alive. My current boyfriend really helped me through that trauma, we'v come so far together in shitty situations to start out and now live together and really have "made it" from where we were before, and I've been in counselling since, really worked through the trauma and feel in a way better place. I feel that a baby gives me such a big light at the end of a dark tunnel but also don't want to see that with rose tinted spectacles just because of what I've been through, and ignore sensible things like career, finances etc.

Blueflower22 Tue 05-Feb-19 18:00:07

@itsinthebank awhhh I seee wel I guess it's for the best then as your ideas would have been clashing too much

Blueflower22 Tue 05-Feb-19 18:03:40

@Sophie0983 well I'm not sure if I'm pregnant yet as I'm in the two week wait, I can't help but think this is the time I will actually get pregnant as me and dp have planned out the next few months 😂

@Sophie0983 I'm sorry to hear thatvhappernd to you, I'm glad your current bf supported you and helped you! Maybe that's a sign that he's definately in it for the long run and wants to help you.
I kind of think that as well, I have a difficult family situation and not in touch with my family but only dp's so a baby might help us all, but at the same time it's a lot of work.
I've been thinking about what would happen if I was pregnant and whether I would get an abortion but I think I couldn't make myself do it as I would regret it, I guess it depends how I feel. How do you feel with a baby inside you ?

Kenworthington Tue 05-Feb-19 18:03:58

Op 21 years ago I could have written your post. Even down to last year of uni. I now have a 20 yr old, been married to his dad for 18 years and we also have two teenagers now too. I had had a previous termination a couple years before and whilst it was the best decision at that time, I swore I would never do it again. Good luck!

Blueflower22 Tue 05-Feb-19 18:04:18

@Sophie0983 also I'm in my final year of uni as wel!! What do you study?

Blueflower22 Tue 05-Feb-19 18:05:36

@Sophie0983 I also agree about the holidays and time alone, because when you have a child all that goes,
Dp is also a bit lazy though and is chronically tired so I think our sex life would diminish even further and I don't want that as that's something we've been working on

grilledcheez Mon 11-Feb-19 07:22:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NicoAndTheNiners Mon 11-Feb-19 07:27:02

Have the baby. 19 years ago I was in nearly exactly the same position. I'm very glad I had dd when I did.

NicoAndTheNiners Mon 11-Feb-19 07:31:06

And I don't think it impacted on my career. I went back to uni and did a second degree when dd was 4yo. I've been promoted a lot of times. I chose to work part time until recently but dh travels with work so I could spend weeks even months on end without him being around.

I'm full time now dd is older and earn a good salary.

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