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I'm considering a termination

(23 Posts)
singlemumtobe18 Mon 14-Jan-19 13:43:29


I am writing this post for peoples advice and thoughts on the situation that I am in, please don't judge me. I haven't made a decision yet and I hope you understand that I am very upset and it a difficult situation for me.

I am currently 11+5 and the baby was planned and wanted by both parents. My plan had always been to be a single mum by choice via a sperm donor because I have always been so frightened of the situation I am in now. However, the babys father and I got together and were very much happy and in love, we were also together 9 years ago and very much in love then but just too young and I had the travel bug etc and it didn't work out.

In the end we didn't have to try for baby for very long and we were very lucky in that respect as I know the struggles some women have trying to conceive, some of my very close friends have faced those struggles.

We did a positive pregnancy test on the day we moved in to our new house, I was in the process of buying when we got together and the plan was for us to live here, he would rent his house out and we would split the bills 50/50. My work don't offer very good maternity benefits so that was the only way we would be able to afford to have a child and support me being off on maternity, we had it all planned out.

However when I was 7 weeks pregnant (3 weeks after knowing about the baby) he moved out. I was on a work trip and he moved out before I go home, he told my sister and mum and I had to find out from them. When I got an explanation out of him he listed the below things:

- He said I changed, he said it had nothing to do with my hormones. He had apparently googled how pregnancy hormones effect a relationship and no one had ever gone through what I put him through. He wouldn't give me examples of what I had put him through.
- He said I didn't like him
- He said I abused him daily. Now this is a really big statement to make. I was obviously concerned at the thought of someone saying I abused them so when I ask him to explain this, he gave an example of a day when I wasn't feeling well and he made me breakfast in bed because my sickness was pretty bad, he washed up, hoovered the house and fixed the washing line, I abused him because I didn't say thank you and wasn't grateful.

The list continues but they are very childish points.

Anyway, he said that he didn't stick around to talk when I got home because his decision would have been the same and he didn't want to be with me. He also advised at this stage which started ringing alarm bells that he thought it was acceptable to take the new born baby away from me for over night visits and 'I could express milk and he would put it in a fake breast and feed the baby.'

Our relationship got better over the Christmas and New Year period however it was clear to me that he still had no remorse for how he walked out and still didn't think he had done anything wrong in any way. I asked for some head space because I was struggling with him being around, he was just turning up at my house uninvited and I was feeling overwhelmed with it all.

Through all of this, he continued to tell lies, even to me that I had kicked him out. I think he had told the lie enough times that he actually believed it. I didn't kick him out, I told him he needed to grow up and change his attitude, he'd not spoken to me for 4 days because a skin to skin leaflet recommended skin to skin with mum for first hour or until baby had had first feed. He ranted 'what about me'.

I'm in a position at the moment where to have more than 6 months maternity leave I am going to have to sell my house, he has told me today that he will be paying the advised amount of money by the CSA per week and he will transfer it weekly when the baby arrives. It is a very small amount of money and won't really help me financially. I have asked for more help so I can be with the baby longer when it is born and he has said no and that him and his mum will take care of the baby instead. I knew he would be thinking this.

All of the above can sound very petty but will hopefully give you an idea of what I am dealing with, he is a very childish and selfish man. He will drag me through court for custody, the one thing I have been frightened of and why I was going to be a mum with a sperm donor.

I would never stop access but I am not comfortable with over night access, he has never changed a nappy, regular user of steriods to aid body building which can effect mood swings. His mum and step dad are alcoholics and step dad regularly smashes up rooms in the house. His mum also wouldn't be able to care for the baby because of her arthritis. I couldn't put my baby in that environment and believe it will be safe.

I am not excited about the pregnancy or baby and I am consumed with anxiety and worry about what he will put us through when the baby arrives. I'm not strong enough to look after a newborn baby and also deal with him dragging me through court, he is treating the baby as a possession before it is even born.

I don't think this situation is the best to bring a baby in to and I am considering a termination, it breaks my heart to think about it but I am struggling to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not just thinking about me, I am thinking about the baby and how it will be passed around to different people because its Dad made the decision to leave.

Tinty Mon 14-Jan-19 13:48:23

God all that sounds terrible. What a horrible man.

But how do you feel about the baby yourself?

TokyoSushi Mon 14-Jan-19 13:52:23

Oh my, that sounds terrible. If you were to terminate would understand your decision.

KarenDarling Mon 14-Jan-19 13:53:47

I'm so sorry OP thanks
You need to do what's best for you.
I recommend asking MNHQ to move this to the pregnancy choices topic - there's people over there who have been through similar and may be able to give you the right advise and their own experiences.

BitchPeas Mon 14-Jan-19 13:56:56

I’m so sorry it sounds awful. flowers

If it helps, In your situation I would terminate.

rainyd Mon 14-Jan-19 13:57:16

If it were me I would terminate because he sounds awful and I would not want to be linked to him forever if at all possible. He sounds very immature and it sounds like you will be left doing all of the hard work and struggling money wise.

However it's not up to me, it's you, your body and your decision. If you want to continue with the pregnancy then you should. But if you don't want the baby in these circumstances and want to terminate you should and there would be no shame in it.

Lbwestf123 Mon 14-Jan-19 13:58:37

You both sound childish.

I don’t understand how you can go from planning a baby then fall pregnant very quickly and all of a sudden you’re talking about custody and csa. Especially if you already knew the man!

StarringRole Mon 14-Jan-19 14:01:53

flowers it depends how you feel about the baby. He sounds an arse if I’m honest, he won’t be allowed I don’t believe to take your newborn breastfed baby away from you, if you aren’t married I would advise not putting his name on the birth certificate, nor baby having his last name. Might be an idea to consult a solicitor before the birth. Considering the steroid use and aggressive behaviour at his mothers, they may even advise contacting social services beforehand but I’m not 100% sure. Keep contact through writing(email/text) so there’s evidence of things in case it is needed.
Prepare to do it alone if you do because sometimes people show interest for a few months and lose it quickly.
And if you go through with a termination then flowers too, neither is an easy situation. Maybe talk to the midwife/GP. X

GiveMeAllTheGin8 Mon 14-Jan-19 14:05:06

I don't understand why you would want to terminate because of your partner? Do you want the baby or not?
I would not terminate in these circumstances at all. Instead I would get your partner or ex partner out of your life and not play around with your baby's life.
I am pro choice but your behavior is reckless. You both need to grow up

JoanneMumsnet (MNHQ) Mon 14-Jan-19 14:15:47

Hi singlemumtobe18,

We hope you don't mind but we're going to move this thread over to our Pregnancy Choices topic.

Sorry you're going through such a difficult time. flowers

singlemumtobe18 Mon 14-Jan-19 15:15:15

For those of you that have told me to grow up and that I am childish.

I haven't made these choices, I haven't brought up custody and child maintenance payments he has.

Yes I knew the man, or I thought I did. I wouldn't have planned and conceived a child knowing he would walk out of me at 7 weeks pregnant.

I'm 32 years old, as I said in my post I don't need anyone judging me like you 2 people have. I simply wanted to share my experience and ask for advice, not to be told I'm childish and need to grow up.

singlemumtobe18 Mon 14-Jan-19 15:16:56

Also, how can I get the father out of my child's life? That isn't a decision I can make unfortunately. Fathers have rights in the UK if you aren't aware. That is why I'm in limbo about my choice, if I keep my baby then I am making the decision for the baby to be caught up in his horrible behaviour

Lbwestf123 Mon 14-Jan-19 15:20:26

You should thinking about your personal relationship with your baby. If you want the baby.

Not what the father might do. He’s saying all this now but you have a long time to wait till the baby is born.

If he’s being mean now and has been nice before who’s to say that won’t change?

I just think you should be weary of termination when you planned the baby and would probably go on to use a sperm donor.

KarmaWhore Mon 14-Jan-19 15:30:07

How can you want a baby then want to destroy it I can't understand it.

FaceLikeAPairOfTits Mon 14-Jan-19 15:39:24

There are countless threads on here by women who are bound for 18 years and beyond to men they wish they had nothing to do with, because they had a children with them.

In your situation I wouldn’t have a baby with the man you describe.

Lbwestf123 Mon 14-Jan-19 15:45:47

^ pretty sure most of them say they wouldn’t give up their child/children despite it not working out with the father.

notapizzaeater Mon 14-Jan-19 15:52:56

How do you feel about terminating the baby? Is it upsetting. Or is being tied to ex for 18 years more upsetting ?

Tbh I'd probably terminate as well.

MaverickSnoopy Mon 14-Jan-19 16:08:55

I have been on mumsnet for 7 years. In that time I have read countless stories by women who deal with men just like this and would do anything to be free of them.

On the one hand you could have your baby and fight like them to give your child the best life possible. On the other hand you could terminate and be free of this man now.

Tbh, based solely on your post, you don't sound ready for a baby. In your shoes I would terminate and be free of this man.

singlemumtobe18 Mon 14-Jan-19 16:10:13

The thought of terminating makes me feel ill. I'm not thinking about it because of my relationship with the father, I wouldn't base my choice on that. My feelings are based on what life the baby is going to have, how the fathers behaviour is going to affect the baby growing up, I don't think I am strong enough to deal with the issues he brings, he has already told me he wants to take the newborn away from its mother and I'm not even 12 weeks yet. I don't think it's fair to bring a child in to the world without a stable environment

Figgygal Mon 14-Jan-19 16:16:32

Sounds tough op How long were you with him?

I think in those circumstances I'd be considering termination too he doesn't seem fit to parent and is certainly not someone I'd want to be shackled to for years. Have you sought any counselling from bpas or Marie stopes yet?

Elliss2018 Mon 14-Jan-19 16:20:18

I think If he's not on the birth certificate then he has no rights, therefore you wouldn't have to give him overnight access etc. However then you couldn't claim any money from him.

It sounds as though you would regret having a termination, you need to discuss your choices with someone perhaps at an abortion clinic. Also, you may be eligible to tax credits as a single mother.

Good luck lovely, I know how tough this is thanks

Fundays12 Mon 14-Jan-19 16:25:31

First of all it’s is highly unlikely that any court in this country will force a breastfed baby under 1 to be apart from its mother for overnight access. It is irresponsible and could even be a danger to the baby if it’s sole food supply or main supply was breast milk. A judges top consideration will be the health and well being of your child. Your ex is not there priority nor are you.

Secondly you are not married you do not have to put his name on the birth certificate but please remember that if you do this he will most likely not have to be forced to maintenance either.

Thirdly previous job experience has taught me the resident parent holds most of the cards and as long as you evidence that you are being responsible and have valid reasons for not wanting the child to be in the care of the father or his family you would most likely only be asked to have the child visit the dad at a contact centre for 2 hours a week were trained staff will monitoring. This can take a long time too as in years.

Finally nobody can make the decision about an abortion but you. Do you want one? Can you live with having had one? Equally can you live with being tied to this man for life? Have you looked at how much help if any you could potentially get as a single parent? Look at the childcare help too.

Namenic Mon 14-Jan-19 16:40:23

Do look into independent counselling regarding options (including adoption, and considering the complicating factor of baby’s father). Find out what type (ie medical/surgical).

Think about Your feelings about the baby and abortion. Raising a child is tough, even with few complicating factors. But it is v rewarding and many children grow up in less than ideal circumstances to have v fulfilling lives - so don’t feel you have to have things perfectly worked out. I hope you have friends/relatives to talk to and help you whatever you decide.

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