Does it ever get any easier(4 Posts)
I found out I was pregnant last summer. My relationship was not great at the time, my finances were terrible and I was just about to start my dream job that would secure a good future for my 3 children. After much deliberation and heartache I felt like my only option was to terminate. It was a huge decision and something I never thought I would never do. I convinced myself it was the kindest option for everyone though.
I had lots of issues booking the appointment and got sent from pillar to post which only made everything more difficult. I eventually got seen at the hospital for a scan when I should have been 8 weeks. The sonographer said that the baby was only measuring 6 weeks and there was no hb. I feel terrible for saying this, but I felt relieved. Another sonographer checked and agreed with the findings of a missed miscarriage. I met with the consultant after and decided to go down the medical route and took the pills they gave me.
I bled a bit over the next few days and had bad cramps but I didn't have any clots or big bleeds. I informed the hospital and we agreed it didn't sound like it had worked and I went in a few days later to take a second lot of pills. I had the same experience so they decided to book me in for another scan.
I went for the scan and it was taking ages. The sonographer said she needed to get another opinion before telling me her findings. I thought she was going to say she had found an abnormality in my womb or cysts or something, but after having someone else perform the scan she informed me that the baby was still there and had a heart beat. I cant even begin to explain what a head fuck that was. Going from the trauma of deciding to have an abortion, the relief of thinking the decision had been taken out of my hands, to being pregnant again. My head was a mess and I couldn't even begin to think about what to do. She told me the prognosis did not look good as the yolk sack was enlarged and thin. I booked in to see the hospital counsellor, but didn't find it helpful so went away to decide what to do.
That night the numbness I had felt for months lifted and I felt hysterical. I tried calling the hospital as I had to know if the problems with the baby were caused by the pills I had taken. They couldn't give me a definitive answer and said it's possible.
I decided I had put the baby through enough and it was fighting to stay alive so I would let nature decide. I went back for a scan a week later to be told my baby had passed away. I was and am devastated.
I ended up having surgical management a few days later on the hospitals recommendation.
In many ways I feel what I have done is worse than an abortion. I made my baby suffer for weeks, not letting it live or die in peace. It doesn't matter what anyone says to me, I feel like a monster and like I don't deserve to be a mother to my children. I despise myself for what I've done.
My whole life has changed. I cant enjoy my dream job and I am unable to concentrate when I'm at work as I'm always thinking about the baby, this isn't helped by lots of colleagues being pregnant. I used to have a high sex drive, but now I'm terrified of being intimate. I dont know who I am anymore. I used to pride myself on being a good and kind person and I feel like a fraud everyday pretending to still be me, when I know I'm not those things now.
I know this part will sound crazy and the rational part of my brain tells me it's not true, but my youngest keeps having horrible accidents, like falling down the stairs, since I lost/terminated the baby and I feel like it's karma. I wake up every night terrified that he's going to die because of my actions and feel anxious all the time.
I'm sorry for writing so much, I just needed to get it all out of my head and wanted to explain what happened. When will it get easier? When will life seem enjoyable again? How can i begin to forgive myself? I dont want to sit here every night crying anymore.
I’m so sorry, that sounds like a terrible time. Could you tell your gp how you are feeling? Do you have IAPT in your area? (Google, it’s a way to access therapy)
OP I mean this in the kindest way, so please don't let this being said in text take away from that, but you really need to get some help. This is not your fault. I too am struggling with these feelings, I was 34 weeks pregnant on the 22nd of December when I noticed reduced movements in my already very poorly baby. I ignored this, assuming everything would be fine, felt last movement at 10pm. I went into hospital the next day to find out my baby had passed away, and the feeling of guilt was overwhelming. Again, I'll say it, this is not your fault. You made a decision based on the best thing for your whole family, and took the pills based on incorrect information from your healthcare provider (not their fault). You need some form of therapy to prevent you going crazy overthinking all the 'what ifs'. It's awful what's happened to you, but it is NOT your fault. I'm sorry you're struggling.
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