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To have or not to have...

(12 Posts)
Proudmum1719 Mon 24-Dec-18 22:15:53

I found out this weekend that I'm pregnant - unplanned. My relationship with my OH is very rocky & has been for some time. We already have a child together but no longer live together. He also has 2 children from a previous relationship. He has said on no uncertain terms that he does not want another child & wants me to terminate the pregnancy. My initial reaction to the positive test was 'ok, well its happened for a reason & I'll work it out', but he is adamant that he doesn't want any more children & had said he won't be happy if I keep it.
I have such conflicting thoughts & feelings about it all, I just don't know what to do. I do know that if I decide to terminate I need to do it quickly so I can have the medical option as I don't think I could cope with the surgical option. I'm now torn between doing what feels right & what appears to be logically right... I know having another child living on my own will be a massive struggle (especially as our 1st child is only 1) & there are lots of things that lead me to thinking the sensible option is to terminate, I'm just so unsure if I'd cope with the emotional side of doing that. Any experienced advice / comment would be gratefully received.

Chocolate50 Mon 24-Dec-18 22:45:00

Well you have to do what's right for you & you don't sound sure at all. What does seem pretty certain is that your DP probably can't be relied upon to help you or be there for you. He probably will come round but you can't guarantee this so I would make a decision expecting to be on your own.
Do you have family or friends who could help you? I had 2 little ones on my own - similar circumstances to yours & I'm not going to tell you it was easy. But you have to do whats right for you.

Proudmum1719 Mon 24-Dec-18 23:49:43

Thank you Chocolate50, it's such a difficult decision & I think you're right, the decision has to be for me because either way I'm the one who has to deal with the consequences of that decision. I have a lot of thinking to do over the next couple of days... I'm so up & down! Xx

mrsgumpy Tue 25-Dec-18 07:25:04

I terminated three weeks ago because my DH didn't want a third child. It has broken my heart but I made the decision because I couldn't face having a child my DH didn't want and raising it on my own if he left. We otherwise have a secure and loving relationship. I have dealt with a lot of grief and wish I had been stronger and stood up to him. Our relationship will take a long time to recover. I can't advice you what to do but I would think carefully about whether you can raise this child on your own and also what the impact will be on your existing child.

If you have a small child, a surgical option would be better and also you can be put out for it which is easier. I had mine at 14 weeks. I am glad I didn't rush the decision but I was also quite attached by the time I had the abortion so that has compounded the trauma.

Good luck. xxxx

Proudmum1719 Wed 26-Dec-18 12:03:36

Thank you mrsgumpy. I think that's what I'm worried about, regretting my decision. I need to be sure I'm doing it for the right reasons & not because my OH wants me to. I'm pretty much raising our 1st alone anyway so I'm considering my options based on me raising the baby as a single mum. It's so hard to separate thoughts & feelings. I hope your grief eases quickly & you can work things out in your relationship. Xx

Syslik Wed 26-Dec-18 18:32:33

I was in a similar position a few weeks ago.My partner has 2 older kids from previous relationship and we have a 2.5y old dc together +pregnant with my second(his 4th)
Although we still live together it is far from ideal and he was pressurising me to terminate.I finally decided to keep the baby as I don't think I would ever got mentally over it if I terminated.
I am now 13weeks pregnant, went for the dating scan on my own and felt so happy to see my baby.He didn't even ask how it went and is making me totally miserable with his comments.
However I am still convinced I made the right decision for myself and if you have some support around you (I don't) and would be able to raise another child on your own, listen to your gut feeling.Good luck and I hope it will work out for you at the end.Keep us posted x

Proudmum1719 Wed 26-Dec-18 23:15:18

Thank you Syslik. Your situation sounds extremely stressful bless you. Do you feel you would manage / cope mentally with the children if you & your partner separated? That's the big question I can't get my head around - 'can I cope with a baby & a 2year old (then a 1year old & 3year old etc) on my own'? My dc's dad & I have a very up & down, on/off relationship, we moved into separate homes at the end of April this year when our dc was 7months old partly because we just argued all the time when living together. In lots of ways I find it easier living alone with our dc but I'm not sure I'd feel the same with two of them!... I'm so happy for you that you made your decision for you, hopefully your partner will come round when the baby is born. Xx

Didyeeaye Wed 26-Dec-18 23:24:08

I'm just going to say similar to pp but couldn't read and run. I think you need to think of it from your point of view and remove DP completely from the decision.
The question is could you cope with a second baby? You need to really think it through honestly and also consider your DC. Would having a second baby be detrimental to your existing DC I.e you would struggle financially or may end up with poor mental health.
I'm a single mum as well so know how hard it is but it can be done if you want badly enough

sprinkleofsunshine Wed 26-Dec-18 23:30:32

Yes you definitely need to go with what you want to do and from your initial post it doesn't seem as though you are sure you want to terminate. I think you would need to be very sure before going ahead with that.

Also just as an aside I took medical management twice and it didn't work either time so ended up having surgery and it turned out to be the easiest option, just thought I'd let you know Incase that gives you some peace of mind whatever your decision x

Proudmum1719 Sat 05-Jan-19 21:55:22

Thank you everyone. I just thought you may like an update. I have decided to keep the baby, I am pro-choice but I couldn't face the alternative. For me, I don't think I would have been able to forgive myself. I told my OH today who took it well, he took some time to let it sink in & has said he will support me. Thank you for all your support ladies. Wishing you all happy & well. Xx

Syslik Sun 06-Jan-19 13:46:03

Fantastic news!So happy to hear that and also that your OH supports your decision.
Congratulations and good luck with your pregnancy xx

v101 Sat 12-Jan-19 23:44:29

Congratulations and good luck with your pregnancy! You are very strong, lots of love thanks

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