Do I have a good enough reason to abort?

[WushyWoo]

Hi all,

This is my first post and I wish it was under better circumstances. Really hoping for some impartial advice. On Tuesday, just 3 days ago, I found out I was pregnant. I've been using the app Natural Cycles and I could see my period was late so I did two tests and voila. But here's the background:

Me and my boyfriend have been together 2 and a half years and moved in together 4 months ago. We have a good stable relationship and love each other very much. Not long into our relationship he told me that he had fertility tests when he was 18 (we're both 31 now) and they found he had a 95% abnormal sperm count. I did a lot of research at the time and read that even though he wasn't infertile, it could take a while for us to get pregnant. Before we moved in together I told him I wanted to come off the pill (cue Natural Cycles) to get my body in a normal routine. You can imagine my shock and surprise when I saw a positive test result just 4 months after using this app. I can count on one hand the amount of times we've had sex in this house because he has been scared to come near me since I was only on the app (which I convinced him was sufficient contraception. Sigh).

He has not taken the news well and is keen to terminate. He believes (which is probably fair) that it is a 60:40 decision of mine and he said he will support me in whatever is decided but that he doesn't feel good about it. He said the timing is all wrong and I totally agree with him on that.

I really didn't anticipate my life going this way, I wanted to be married first and we are looking to buy a house. We're due to go to Cuba on New Years Day (cue ZIKA!) and we have lots of trips planned and paid for in 2019.

He said to me we will make great parents but it's not the right time for us. EXCEPT everyone around me is pregnant. He has a nephew that's nearly 1 and another on the way. A good friend of mine lost her baby at 6 months pregnant this year. Another three of my best friends will all have given birth and while I totally agree with everything he says and see it as an easy way out I can't help but think I will not deal well with being around all these babies knowing I could have had one. I am after all 31 and know my fertility is at risk and can't help feeling a bit blessed that we've got pregnant now. We will never know if it was luck or just that easy for us.

I am so conflicted and would really appreciate some advice. I do have a consultation with a clinic booked but it's not till 2nd January.

[BonBonVoyage]

I wouldn't if i were you. You can cancel the holiday and change your wedding /house plans. I really can't say much more as I feel quite strongly that I would not abort in your situation and I don't think my message would be calm and measured if I continue

[Sophia1984]

Do you want to terminate? It sounds like it’s more that your partner wants to, which obviously needs to be part of the decision, but ultimately it is your body and you who would have the procedure and I think that would be difficult to do if you felt at all that you wanted to continue the pregnancy. Sorry you’re having to go through this x

[KMoKMo]

Why does he feel it’s not the right time? He may have fertility issues? This may not happen easily again. When does he feel the time will be right?

[Crazyfrog007]

I'm not sure I follow the 60:40 responsibility? Surely if he was that worried about your choice to take chemicals out of your body, he could have put something on the end of it?! It's always a 50:50 choice and he's being a nob to blame you.

[elibee]

I don't think I would in your situatiin but it's a difficult choice.

Do you think you would have considered an abortion if he hadn't brought it up?

[AnonymousAgain]

Hang on.
So you were using natural tracking, and you are now pregnant?
You are considering termination because it would inconvenience your holidays next year etc to have a baby?

Tbh, that's a pretty shit reason.

PS. I'm pro choice, but this is just irresponsible and bloody ridiculous!

[kenandbarbie]

Well I don't think you should abort because of what he wants. What you want is most important. Personally for me I'd just cancel the holiday / house plans if I was pregnant and thought I could've had fertility issues. Those are just temporary things that you'll forget about. Are you in a position otherwise to have the baby with or without your partner?

[PatrickMerricksGoshawk]

“I’m pregnant and I don’t want to be” is a good enough reason to have an abortion.
However - is that the case for you?

[AnonymousAgain]

Oh, apologies. You also want a wedding and a house first

You stopped taking your contraception. You both rolled the dice.

In answer to your question, no. I don't think inconvenience is a reason to terminate a baby that you feel you would be great parents to. Babies have a habit of coming at awkward times.

Obviously your choice but, in answer to your question, no. Not reason enough to me. But I'm not you.

Why are you asking the internet, anyway?

[Jackshouse]

If YOU want a termination then have one, that is enough of a reason. But from your post I’m not sure if you do want a termination.

[gamerchick]

He can't lay this at your feet, if he really doesn't want babies yet he should have used condoms.

Personally I'm of the thought you can terminate for any reason but you don't know how you will react once you've had it and might regret it.

If you do, get some proper contraception sorted out and none of this natural cycles sruff. Only use that if you're actively trying.

[FlowerPowerBecky]

I hate "it's your body it's your choice" so much! You'll be jumping on the man if that was the case and he decided to leave calling him all sorts but surely that's he's choice then? No?

Anyway OP, think you need a good talk with your partner and come to a conclusion either way :)

[SmilingButClueless]

If you don’t want to be pregnant then that’s the only reason you need to have an abortion. But I agree with PPs, are you actually sure you don’t want to be pregnant at this point? Holidays can be rearranged, other plans put on hold, if you want them to be.

As an aside, if you’re going to Cuba on New Year’s Day, how will you attend your clinic appointment on 2 January?

[WushyWoo]

Wow thank you for all the quick replies. Especially those that are heartfelt.

It's definitely not just the holidays. It has come as such a shock to the both of us but I definitely don't feel ready to be a Mum and I guess his feelings are coming from the same place. But the fertility issues do concern me and whilst I feel very conflicted I'm not sure I can deal with the guilt I'll likely feel especially around so many babies next year. But is that a reason to do it?

[AnxiousMama101]

You both need to have a serious conversation about this as I think you would feel awful if you terminated and then couldn't fall pregnant again.

I've had a termination previous when me and my partner had been together for a month, it just wasn't the right time and I'm now pregnant with our first baby after 2 years together. We weren't really ready this time; but we got married when I was 28 weeks pregnant as I knew he was the one and we knew we wanted this baby and we could do this. We are still in the middle of saving for our house, but it just doesn't seem as important to me; but this baby does.

You can get married whenever, you can still go on holiday not pregnant, pregnant or with baby, you can still save and buy a house.

I understand if you want to terminate completely, this is your choice. But your life isn't going to stop because of this baby.

[WushyWoo]

@SmilingButClueless - well spotted. So our holiday provider have actually been amazing and are letting us change location which we are trying to sort now. We have both confirmed with work and friends we are in "Cuba" for the first two weeks of January so we have to come up with some story why we're no longer going. The 2nd Jan is the earliest I could get and I told my partner even if we terminate I don't think I can go to Cuba now. It feels tainted somehow.

[WushyWoo]

@AnxiousMama101 - thank you. I guess it just feels completely life changing at the moment and it's hard to see all the positives. I definitely don't want it to affect my relationship. That won't do anyone any good.

[WushyWoo]

@nemosparents just to clarify Natural Cycles is contraception. It tells you when you are and aren't fertile.

[WushyWoo]

@nemosparents and I've spoken to my GP. Disgust was not what I experienced. Only patience and understanding.

[CountFosco]

If You want to have the baby even if means being a single parent then don't abort. If you don't want a child then abort.

I think if you are both of the opinion that you see your lives together and see children as part of that and the only reason is timing then that seems a bit rubbish. What if this was a miracle baby and you never get pregnant again? Of course if you keep on not using effective contraception and keep getting pregnant you might regret that too!

[HavelockVetinari]

Imagine how you'd feel if this was your one chance to be parents and you don't take it.

[AnxiousMama101]

@WushyWoo I understand that it is a completely life altering thing. Trust me - this baby wasn't 100% planned and I sobbed my heart out when I saw a positive test.

But it's okay - me and my now hubby are so excited to be parents. We definitely feel like we are going to miss out on doing some things individually like jetting off on a holiday or even going shopping by ourselves! Wouldn't change it for the world.

I hope everything goes okay for you; I'm always here and only a message away if you need to talk

[Santasushi]

You only found out 3 days ago. You both need time to think about this.

Don’t rush.

[RCohle]

I think abortion is absolutely your choice and I don't think your reasons need to be "good enough" for anyone but you.

That said, as someone who has struggled with infertility, I think you should consider how you would feel if you aborted now and struggled to conceive in the future. Things like holiday plans and not being home owners yet will really not seem important.

I think using the rhythm method of birth control is only really a good idea if getting pregnant wouldn't be the end of the world. I appreciate that that's not helpful for you now.