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Abortion at 43 years old

(51 Posts)
Katarina43 Fri 07-Dec-18 11:14:47

This is very hard for me to write and I am still in shock.
I am 43, have 3 grown up children 21, 18 and 16. On Wednesday I was late for my period and did a positive pregnancy test.
I had a coil removed a couple of years ago after having treatment for pre-cancerous cells and have used the natural method ever since.
I don't live with my partner and we have been on and off for quite a while now. We had sex shortly after my last period which I presumed was a safe time and way before ovulation. Clearly not.
I am in utter shock. I have a friend the same age as me who is desperate for a child and has struggled to conceive for years, going through multiple rounds of IVF, completely taking care of her body and nurturing herself yet she cant get pregnant. I am angry with myself and angry with my body. I couldn't think of anything worse to have a child at my age and it is not an option or a desire. I have a hundred percent made up my mind that I cannot continue and booked an appointment immediately at BPAS to take the pill a few days before Christmas. I am sorry if I sound cruel but I absolutely do not want and can not go through a pregnancy at my age. I thought the chances of conceiving naturally at my age 43 were really rare.
I had coils for 14 years following the birth of my daughter and did everything possible to avoid this.
Has anyone else ever been in this situation?
I feel terrible, but my decision is firmly made. I would be grateful for any advice. I'm angry with myself....

Satsumaeater Fri 07-Dec-18 11:16:15

No advice but do whats best for you. Not sure I would have posted on AIBU in your shoes but hopefully people will be kind and non-judgmental.


LilySays Fri 07-Dec-18 11:18:26

Hi OP- I think there is a section for pregnancy choices, may be worth getting it moved over?

Do what you think is best. I have had a termination a few years ago and do not regret my decision. I hope you have someone in RL who can support you through this?


isitthehormones Fri 07-Dec-18 11:18:58

My only advice is to be a little kinder on yourself. Totally different situation for me but I’ve had one and I wish I was kinder on myself at the time flowers

formerbabe Fri 07-Dec-18 11:20:21

Your friends situation is really not relevant to this. You need to separate the two. You having or not having an abortion has no impact on her fertility. Do what's best for you. If I was in your shoes, I'd be doing the same thing.

LilyRose16 Fri 07-Dec-18 11:20:34

Your body, 100% your choice. But prepare for some people to tell you otherwise on AIBU

Auntiepatricia Fri 07-Dec-18 11:20:46

You made a mistake. It happens. And you are sorting it out. Just to be sure (because I’m not sure why you’re so angry) have you actually tried out for size the idea of having the baby? Just in case that unexpectedly fits better? Years ago I was the other way round. Was so certain pre-accidental-pregnancy that I would never consider a termination under any circumstances I didn’t even allow myself to think about it when the worst happened. It took me 2 weeks to let the thought in and suddenly the relief was unbelievable. I just realised I had a choice where there was none before in my head.

Anyway, it is your choice. You are not doing anything wrong by having a termination. You are taking difficult steps to avoid an unwanted baby that will cause you great difficulty in life possibly. So stop being so hard on yourself. It’s ok.

Katarina43 Fri 07-Dec-18 11:21:29

I'm new to this, I don't know my way around. what is AIBU and how do I move this thread across? Many thanks

Snowwontbelong Fri 07-Dec-18 11:24:06

I had ds at 43. Third cycle ttc. Very fertile it seems.

winkingdemon Fri 07-Dec-18 11:26:52

It sounds like you are doing the right thing for you so please don't feel too guilty. I have been told I will be looking at IVF if I ever make the decision to have a baby (I have lots and lots of problems with my ovaries, womb, cycle etc) and I would never judge somebody for getting pregnant by accident and not wanting a baby!

I hope it all goes okay for you, maybe request that Mumsnet move this thread over to Pregnancy Choices - I think you will get a lot of support and similar stories to your own there flowers

winkingdemon Fri 07-Dec-18 11:27:43

Oops, X post about pregnancy choices!

Report your thread and they should move it for you

Vivaldi1678 Fri 07-Dec-18 11:28:16

Don't beat yourself up about it. If it's right for you it's the right thing.

MadameJosephine Fri 07-Dec-18 11:29:50

Don’t feel terrible, you’re not going anything wrong. Be kind to yourself and do what’s right for you and your family. I say this as someone who took 5 years ttc and eventually had baby at 41. Your friend’s situation is sad but it is entirely separate to yours. flowers

ArnoldBee Fri 07-Dec-18 11:30:42

It's your body your choice but you do need to think about contraception. Mother nature often tries to have a last chance before menopause so you end up bring more fertile including more likely to have twins.

AnyaMumsnet (MNHQ) Fri 07-Dec-18 11:31:43

Hi there OP,

We're going to move this to Pregnancy Choices now - we think you'll get better support there.


ShartGoblin Fri 07-Dec-18 11:31:49

Don't be too hard on yourself and absolutely do not feel guilty for the situations of others if you can't do anything about it. You are not responsible and you need to do what's right for you flowers

Please never tell your friend though, it could really hurt her.

ReanimatedSGB Fri 07-Dec-18 11:31:53

It's entirely up to you what you do, and the right thing is what's right for you. Please also remember that many pregnancies end naturally at an early stage and can be higher risk in older woman.

Shit happens, sometimes. Be kind to yourself.

DoulaDaisy Fri 07-Dec-18 11:42:57

I know it's no help to you now but apparently, the time before you're pre-menopausal is a very fertile time for women. Something to remember for when thinking of contraception for afterwards.

Have you told your partner? Are you going to tell him? Please be kind to yourself and come here if you need a chat.

missmoz Fri 07-Dec-18 11:43:27

Don't feel guilty, you've done nothing wrong. You made a natural assumption about your fertility. Like other posters have said your fertility doesn't effect another woman's.

Seeing you have an unexpected and unprepared for baby would probably equally upset your friend, it's a horrible and unfair situation but it's not your doing. Make the right choice for you and look after yourself.

Katarina43 Fri 07-Dec-18 11:43:59

Thank you all so much for your kind replies. I am secretly hoping that it will end naturally but I will just have to face facts if it doesn't. I honestly thought I was peri menopausal. My periods are shorter as in only lasting 1-2 days. I keep going hot in the night, etc.
I would never tell my friend but it doesn't stop me feeling guilty.

HoppingPavlova Fri 07-Dec-18 11:44:46

Do whatever feels right for you in your situation. There is no wrong here.

I understand that there are people of this age who struggle with infertility and desperately want children but that is not relevant to you. At all.

I have not been in your situation, am now quite a bit older than you but have kids similar ages and I can say that if I found out I was pregnant I would terminate in a heartbeat. I love my kids dearly but I’ve done my time. I’m done. My hope now is that any grandkids are quite a number of years off as I couldn’t even bear that at this point but I know that will change down the track (once I’ve had a chance to recover from my own ha ha). If I found out I was pregnant and for some reason a termination was not an option I would probably be swinging from a rope. That is the reality.

You need to do whatever is right for you.

LemonBreeland Fri 07-Dec-18 11:47:19

Hi OP just wanted to say I went through similar earlier this year, although I'm a couple of years younger thank you. It was one time early in my cycle too. I think when we think we are not as fertile we are actually more fertile as we come the end of our fertile period.

You need to do what is best for you.

EtVoilaBrexit Fri 07-Dec-18 11:47:34

What your firend is going though isn’t relevant to you.
What IS relevant is that a pregnancy would be the worst ever for you. That means an abortion Is te right decision for you, even if this would not the case for someone else.
Everyone is different!

I getvthat you are angry. Angry at yourself and angry at what has happened.
You can’t change the past but you can change the future. How will you deal with your contraception now? (I can’t have the coil or the pill so I know how hard it is when the choice is reduced)
And do you think your partner can support you too?
Anyone else in RL you can talk to about it (Obvioulsy not your friend)?

Thesnobbymiddleclassone Fri 07-Dec-18 11:48:54

Do what's right for you. It must be such a shock finding out you're pregnant when all of your children are adults and flying the nest! I know for me the prospect of starting that all again would be terrifying.

Rudgie47 Fri 07-Dec-18 11:48:59

You need to do whats best for yourself OP. I'd be looking at better contraception in the future though because you don't want to go through all this again. I'm very surprised that you didn't think you might get pregnant!
Apparently some women can ovulate more than once during a cycle, I remember reading this. Women can get pregnant into their 50s.

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