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Don't want termination, partner does

(68 Posts)
Syslik Fri 16-Nov-18 09:07:13

Hello.Looking for some advice.I have been with my partner for 12years.He has 2children from previous relationship(16y, 18y)and we have a 2.5y old boy together.
He always knew I wanted to have 2children but after our boy was born he made clear he didn't want any more despite me wanting another one.
I was on a mini pill and missed a few whilst on holiday(i know my mistake!)and got pregnant(now around 6-7weeks).
Took me ages to tell him as I knew he will go absolutely mad.He eventually made me to call the clinic to make appointment for termination which wasn't for another week.Every day a spent crying and couldn't believe I would ever find myself reading pages about termination and people's experience.I went to the appointment and had a scan but broke down in tears again when the consultant and a nurse asked me if I was sure about it.I know I would always regret it and not sure if I could ever get over it.
The only reason why I was considering the termination was that it was my fault that I got pregnant and it is not fair to my partner as I never wanted to have another child against his will.He just feels too old(he is 46, I am 38) and too tired to have another baby and can only see the limitations on his life/lifestyle the baby would cause for another 10years.Mind I pretty much do all the care for our little boy anyway.
He keeps pushing me to go back to the clinic and I don't know what to do.He feels it would finish us off when he is happy with the life we have now.I am so depressed about it.

notapizzaeater Fri 16-Nov-18 09:09:53

It's your body, your decision. Have you spoken to a counsellor about this ?

FireworksAndSparklers Fri 16-Nov-18 09:13:45

Won't it equally finish off your relationship if he forces you to have a termination you're desperate not to have? Would you be able to stay with him anyway?

For me, such disrespect for my feelings and attempts to control me would pretty much spell the end anyway. It's not the pregnancy causing the problems, is his response to it.

HotdogsareDogs Fri 16-Nov-18 09:14:25

It sounds like either way it's likely to be a breaking point for the relationship.

Because you can't stay with someone who forced you to have a termination you didn't want. And you can't stay with someone who has forced you to be a parent again against your wishes.

So if you may may going it alone regardless, do you want to continue with the pregnancy or end it?

Syslik Fri 16-Nov-18 09:14:36

No only to the nurse at the clinic which was very supportive

KeysHairbandNotepad Fri 16-Nov-18 09:15:58

Agree with pp regarding his attitude.

Also , he was happy for you to be responsible for the mini pill but wouldn't have the snip? Very unreasonable.

Singlenotsingle Fri 16-Nov-18 09:16:24

Your body, your decision.

CallMeRachel Fri 16-Nov-18 09:17:09

I'm sorry you're in this situation.

Contraception is never 100% fool proof so if your partner felt that strongly he should have been in for the snip long before now.

Can you afford to support yourself if it came down to it? Does your son have a good relationship with his father?

Ultimately it's your body, your choice but you do have to be able live with your decision and any subsequent fall out.

If you were to go ahead with your pregnancy against your partners wishes do you think he'll leave? I suppose you need to really sit down together and talk it all through.
The important person in all this aside from yourself obviously is the little boy you already have.

Kool4katz Fri 16-Nov-18 09:18:11

I had an ex who forced me to have a termination I didn't want to have. We had been together 12 years. I was mid 30's at the time so very keen to start a family.
Note he's now an EX!
The git then went on to meet someone else and they now have 2 kids together.
It must be 100% your decision or it could be something you'll deeply regret for years to come.

Goposie Fri 16-Nov-18 09:18:17

You don’t want a termination and you think you would regret it forever. You should listen to yourself.

crrrzy Fri 16-Nov-18 09:26:23

If he was so sure he didn't want another child he should have had a vasectomy. If he'd had it, and you still got pregnant, it would still be unfair to do more than present it as his opinion.

Syslik Fri 16-Nov-18 09:26:29

If I went ahead with it I think I would end up hating him at the end and walking out.But he already had somebody walking out of his life with his children and it would break my heart to do that to him with our son.He loves his children and was never really excited when I was pregnant with our little boy but loves him to bits now.

Syslik Fri 16-Nov-18 09:38:24

Also the annoying thing is that we can actually financially and house wise afford to have another child so his reasons are purely self centred.He said he would get really depressed and I am selfish and would forget about it in a few months(complete non sense).He doesn't like to see me upset but he thinks I would just get over it.He just doesn't understand it.

CallMeRachel Fri 16-Nov-18 09:46:17

Urgh.

It sounds like he should go for an informative chat with the HCPs at the clinic who can perhaps talk him through the process and potential physical and emotional impact on a woman's health.

He just wants to click his fingers right now and magic it all away doesn't he?

Floralnomad Fri 16-Nov-18 09:49:56

Either way this relationship is probably over so your decision is do you want to be a single parent to two children , if the answer to that is yes then don’t have the termination .

tenorladybeaker Fri 16-Nov-18 09:59:22

Seriously, having a termination to save a relationship is always a mistake because any partner who doesn't say "your body, your choice" is simply not worth having a relationship with. The relationship was already doomed. It will end one way or another whichever path you take so take the path that us right for you, not for him.

Contraception was never solely your responsibility. All methods have a failure rate and it's very common for the mini pill to fail in real life scenarios where people have a boozy night or a tummy upset etc etc. If a pregnancy was such a deal breaker for him he should have had the snip, not selfishly expected you to take full responsibility for managing fertility so that he didn't have to bother.

Tbh he seems like an arse to me. He doesn't to you because you have rose-tinted specs on. Take them off. Live your life.

You will be fine.

flowers

MeteorMedow Fri 16-Nov-18 10:00:27

OP- he doesn’t want the baby- he didn’t want it before you got pregnant and there is nothing you can do to make him want it now (you can try but shouldn’t pin your hopes on him changing his mind). As you said, you missed your pill, as a women I would also feel responsible in this situation.

Some will say ‘it takes two’ but your DH was under the impression you were fully protected when you slept together.

It’s like eating in a resteraunt - yes in there is always a slight chance when eating food you may get food poisoning but you don’t expect it to happen and wouldn’t be pleased with the chef if they said “oh sorry, I ‘forgot’ to wash my hands!

What you do now is up to you he certainly can’t make you get rid and you shouldn’t do anything you’re not comfortable with.

However, he’s not bad, or wrong, for not wanting this child and you need to come to terms with that!

Syslik Fri 16-Nov-18 10:39:29

MeteorMedow I agree with you that's why I feel selfish to want to keep it.I am not saying he is bad or wrong.I can see his point too, I just can't see how I could get over it and not be bitter for the rest of my life.Maybe because a part of me still thinks he would change his feelings once the baby would be born

MeteorMedow Fri 16-Nov-18 10:44:49

If you can’t live with an abortion (I couldn’t either tbh) then don’t get one!
Just because his feelings are valid in this situation does not mean you should abort a child you want.
You just need to be prepared to do this on your own and/or do this knowing that your DH doesn’t want it- without resenting him if he doesn’t change his mind later.

I would keep my baby were I in your situation but there’s no denying it’s not ideal xx

Syslik Fri 16-Nov-18 10:49:22

Thank you xx

sue51 Fri 16-Nov-18 10:57:38

If he was so anti another child he should have shared the responsibility by getting the snip or using condoms. Contraception should not just be down to women but a shared task. A termination is not something you will get over in few months especially if you have been forced into it. If you have a termination, would the relationship be survive? Could you cope as a lone parent if he doesn't accept the baby?

FireworksAndSparklers Fri 16-Nov-18 11:50:41

.He said he would get really depressed and I am selfish

Turn this around. You'll likely get really depressed if you have the termination and he's selfish for trying to make you do it. You are clearly willing to consider his point of view and work with him to find the solution to this but he isn't willing to do the same for you. That's not workable in a relationship, imo.

Singlenotsingle Fri 16-Nov-18 12:15:48

I know this is a difficult one, but could you have the baby and give it up for adoption? A relative of mine had a baby adopted (not by choice) but she's met the adoptive parents, gets news and photos, and meets the DC probably about twice a year at a contact centre.

MeteorMedow Fri 16-Nov-18 13:47:08

I’m going to be super sensitive about this as I’m suggesting you did - but I do know how hard wanting a child is when your partner doesn’t.

Be honest with yourself about whether ‘accidentally’ forgetting pills whilst on holiday was actually a ‘accident’.

You don’t need to tell anyone, especially not on here but if you did want this to happen I think your answer is much clearer than if this was 100% an accident.

MeteorMedow Fri 16-Nov-18 13:47:46

*as I’m not suggesting

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