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(9 Posts)
OrangeSmartyPants Sat 03-Nov-18 15:49:11

I'm 5 weeks pregnant. The father and I had split before I found out. I booked a termination 8 days ago, but it was too early for the scan to pick up the pregnancy. Yesterday they just managed to see it, with the possibility of their being more than one pregnancy.

I'm already a single mum to 4 children, just finished uni and got a job. The man that I'm pregnant to has emotionally abused me for nearly a year, cheated on me countless times and when I told him I was pregnant he told everyone, including the girl he'd been sleeping with in the 11 days since we'd split, and probably told them it wasn't his. However, he attended the first appointment with me and was supportive, and has been since and has asked me to get back together, marry him, promised he's going to change and is attending counselling to work on his issues.

I am not sure if he is a true narcissistic or if he just displays their traits, but I was really trying to move on from him and this has all messed with me completely. I truly love him, I think that he does me but his ego and insecurities have contributed to him cheating and lying.
We've never lived together. I contemplated a termination with my youngest, who's 4 and I feel like I'm back in the same place. Except its to a man that I dont trust. I don't want have another baby but I also don't don't want a termination, I think mainly to do with a failed one years ago which resulted in months of pain and giving birth to a foetus on the toilet fter 3 month.

Sorry it's so long, I wanted to give the overall situation. I don't really know what I'm asking. I can't talk to friends as they all hate my ex and the couple I have told have expressed that a termination is probably the best option. They're probably right.

SleepWarrior Sat 03-Nov-18 16:00:58

Please don't get a termination because other people think its the best choice for you. It has to be your choice only.

You are only 5 weeks. I would say cut this man out of your life with one clean chop (new number, blocked on all possible platforms including his friends and family) and take time to reassess your feelings about the pregnancy without him clouding the issue. Maybe do the freedom program?He sounds utterly toxic.

Sorry you're in such a difficult situation though flowers

OrangeSmartyPants Sat 03-Nov-18 17:33:09

Thanks for the reply SleepWarrior.
I know what I should do. I think I'm suffering from some type of stress or anxiety due to the relationship. I don't feel able to make any decisions. I feel so weak with no way out.

SleepWarrior Sat 03-Nov-18 21:50:11

That's totally normal in your position to feel exhausted and overwhelmed - you been abused and cheated on, and now have pregnancy hormones to add into the mix. It must be so stressful sad But there definitely is a way out of the mess; there always is.

Does he know you were considering abortion? To be honest that would make it even easier to cut him out if he believed you weren't pregnant anymore (not advocating lying mind)!

If your friends hate your ex then that's not a bad thing. They'll be more ready to support you through having nothing to do with him. If you don't want to discuss the pregnancy because they are pushing abortion then you can just say you are focussed on making a clean break relationship wise before deciding about the baby. Decent friends would respect that. Do you have any family support?

Does he live near to you? I.e. Would you bump into him put and about etc.

Chin up, everything is going to be OK. There will be more people along to help you figure this out too. flowers

Also, charities to consider phoning: women's aid for freedom program. Lifecharity for counselling about past abortion and what to do about this pregnancy (they are focussed on practical support for keeping the baby but it sounds like you have plenty of support if want an abortion and less on the other side of things)

anniehm Sat 03-Nov-18 22:37:24

Only you can decide, circumstances are not good but that in itself isn't a reason for anyone to encourage such a personal decision. None of us are in your shoes so don't let personal beliefs of others influence you, do what you feel is best.

But I can reassure you that most terminations are simple and basically like a heavy period - it took 10 mins and I chose not to have any sedation so I could drive. I personally couldn't cope with another child as dd1 is autistic and had a one year old as well at the time (dh made his own appointment the following month so no more oops could occur)

Take care.

OrangeSmartyPants Sun 04-Nov-18 09:59:26

Thank you for the support.

Yes, he knew, he attended the first appointment with me, he wants me to continue the pregnancy. He lives pretty close and we work on the same business park, plus he uses my work for recreational purposes regularly.

I strongly feel that I can't bring a child into the world with someone like him as a father. I feel like my options are to keep the baby but somehow tell him that I'm not, then cut him off as I certainly don't want him in my life long term. But the risk is that he will find out and take me to court and gain access.

Or, go for an abortion but don't tell him, let him believe nature has taken its course and that way I don't get the backlash as much. As he has told all his friends and family now...and then eventually something will happen and we will break up again and I can have no contact and start building my life back together.

It all sounds so awful. I am very against lying, especially about it such an immoral thing, but I feel desperate.

My friends will be supportive no matter what, I just can't face telling them yet.

starpatch Sun 04-Nov-18 18:45:42

As you are not married he wouldn't have any parental rights unless you chose to take him with you to register the birth. Flowers to you OP I'm sorry you are going through this.

OrangeSmartyPants Thu 15-Nov-18 19:34:20

I have taken the tablets this afternoon. I haven't told him yet, but I'm not seeing him tonight, so I will tell him tomorrow.
I could not run the risk of being tied to him for the rest of my life.

costacoffeecup Thu 15-Nov-18 19:45:28

For what it's worth I think you made the right decision. Hope you're okay.

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