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Who gets to decide?

(51 Posts)
NameChangeForThis18 Thu 11-Oct-18 05:40:05

Hi all.
I’ve name changed for this.

My husband and I have 2 children aged 10 and 4. One of each gender. We’ve always said due to financial, practical and medical reasons (previous pre eclampsia and 2 c sections) that we wouldn’t have any more children as we know our limits. But had said if contraception failed for whatever reason then we’d have a discussion but would probably keep the baby dependant on circumstances.

Fairly recently I’ve been told I cannot take hormonal birth control so we’ve been using condoms which in the past have been fine.

Until now.

Last week I had a positive pregnancy test. Lots of shouting etc. He thinks I should terminate, I want to keep.

How on earth do we make this choice? Who’s opinion, in the end, matters more? I’ve always said if a man doesn’t want to be a father then the woman shouldn’t force him but this feels so different now.

How do I decide?

Thankyou x

Hoosey Thu 11-Oct-18 05:46:26

You do, end of. Nobody should have a termination if they don’t want one. Your body, your choice.

TeaAndNoSympathy Thu 11-Oct-18 05:58:20

Your choice absolutely. Don’t have an abortion if you don’t want one.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Thu 11-Oct-18 06:00:09

You do.

AnotherEmma Thu 11-Oct-18 06:05:16

Your body, your choice. It’s worrying that he isn’t respecting that and is pressuring you. He has a right to an opinion but that’s it. The final decision is yours. If he pressures you into an abortion you regret, that will poison your marriage forever - can’t he see that?

“I’ve always said if a man doesn’t want to be a father then the woman shouldn’t force him but this feels so different now.”
If a man doesn’t want to be a father he can get a vasectomy or abstain from PIV sex. Condoms can and do fail as you have found.

abbsisspartacus Thu 11-Oct-18 06:07:47

Your body your choice

IVEgotthePOWER Thu 11-Oct-18 06:08:53

Your body your choice

WerewolfNumber1 Thu 11-Oct-18 06:13:36

It’s your decision.

That’s the end of it.

NameChangeForThis18 Thu 11-Oct-18 06:13:50

I understand why he’s saying this though. I have horrendous pregnancies, almost needed a hysterectomy in my last c section due to heavy bleeding. Would cost over half my wages in childcare, so would probably end up in debt again. One of the kids would have to share a room. Both kids have been horrendous sleepers. Would have to sell both our cars to buy a bigger one. Would really affect our dream holiday which we have booked next year (baby would be about 4 months old). All practical reasons and logically I can see each one as valid.

But I know what pregnancies result in and our children are wonderful. Especially having such a shit time conceiving our 2nd and miscarrying inbetween a termination doesn’t sit right with me.

But he still thinks a termination is right.

Even though I don’t want another miscarriage I think it would be best so this is out of my hands as awful as that sounds x

WerewolfNumber1 Thu 11-Oct-18 06:15:15

If he seriously didn’t want another child he could have had a vasectomy.

He knew that condoms fail and that you’d previously said you’d have to discuss what would happen if you got pregnant, so he knew exactly what he was risking.

If he pressures you into an abortion it will destroy your relationship.

explodingkitten Thu 11-Oct-18 06:18:26

Would really affect our dream holiday which we have booked next year (baby would be about 4 months old).

I wasn't planned and my parents went on their dream holiday and left me with friends when I was around tge same age. The friends liked to care for a baby again. I'mnot worse because of it.

Flatasapancakenow Thu 11-Oct-18 06:19:00

If a man doesn't want to be a father then the women shouldn't force him

1 - No one should force a women to abort her baby.

2- Your husband is already a father. Having or not having another baby isn't going to change that.

I haven't had an abortion, but I did have a miscarriage earlier this year (so similar because if you aborted you would also experience the loss of a baby you wanted). Obviously I can't come on here and tell you exactly how you would feel or cope after an abortion, but I have found it to be very difficult. The guilt was enormous initially, then I found it very difficult to be around pregnant people, and now it's around my baby's due date I feel very sad. Will I always miss that child not running towards the Christmas tree on Christmas morning etc. I also found the whole thing very lonely, even though my DH was great he just didn't have the same connection to the baby.

You have to consider how him bullhorning you into an abortion you don't want would impact your relationship. It's likely you would feel a lot of resentment and it would change your opinion of him.

Have you spoken to him about why he is so against this baby? What are his concerns? Are they all due to the medical complications you experienced previously or is there more to it?

explodingkitten Thu 11-Oct-18 06:19:07

He should get a vasectomy.

Beesandfrogsandfleas Thu 11-Oct-18 06:21:08

It’s oerfectly fine for either of you not to be ecstatic about the prospect - you were actively trying to avoid pg for one thing. But knowing it’s not a great idea to have a third, and actually terminating a pre existing pregnancy, are different things in many people’s minds. They would be in mine. Unless you are up for a termination I would think you would feel a lot of guilt about it. I think your dh needs to be listened to (only if he stops shouting though) and he probably has no other outlet for his feelings) but it is your choice in the end and always would be.

Flatasapancakenow Thu 11-Oct-18 06:39:19

Sorry OP I missed your update when I last posted.

We took our DD on holiday at 4 months old and it was honestly the easiest holiday we ever had with her. We just popped her in the sling and did whatever we wanted to do. She was at that stage where she mostly just slept and ate anyway. You could go on your dream holiday and one of you get a tummy bug or a throat infection (happened to me once years ago) anyway, so I wouldn't be considering an abortion on the grounds of something that could so easily be an anticlimax.

Kids sharing a room won't do them any harm. It'll teach them how to share and consider other people's feelings. You could get them excited about it by getting them bunk beds/repainting their room etc. My 3 DCs have their own rooms but they sometimes have "sleepovers" in each other's bedrooms. When DC4 arrives 2 will have to share as no one wants to sleep in the downstairs bedroom.

I would discuss your health concerns with your Dr and get some reassurance. They would probably keep a closer eye on you due to your medical history.

Do you really need to sell both cars? Would 5 of you not fit into a 5 seater car ok? Especially because there would only be one bulky baby seat. My 3 fit along the back row ok and we have one bulky baby seat and one booster with sides type thing. The eldest, who doesn't have any type of car seat, sits in the middle.

If you started saving now you could have a good 7/8 months worth (I'm assuming) of savings to help with childcare costs etc.

Flatasapancakenow Thu 11-Oct-18 06:41:07

Just trying to consider all the angles. Hope you're doing ok OP. This must be tough for

MaverickSnoopy Thu 11-Oct-18 06:58:38

You decide without a doubt. Like you though I would want to consider my husbands feelings. In practice though, it's not always possible.

You've said you can see where he's coming from. What exactly are his reasons? Are they basically everything you've listed. Is he coming from a place of shock and worry for you and your family, or do you feel he is behaving like a total arse? I'm trying to understand why the man who said you'd always keep it, or at least depending on circumstances (which sounds level headed), is coming across as quite explosive in your posts?

Fwiw I'm currently due with our third (after condom failure). We both agreed to keep it without a doubt but are also facing similar problems to you. It's hard and I spend a lot of time feeling stressed and anxious about the future....but I sort of realised that I was anyway and wasn't able to deal with the emotional impact of a termination. I have to trust that we WILL make it work.

NameChangeForThis18 Thu 11-Oct-18 06:59:51

I’m just so sad. We didn’t want to be in this situation. I asked to be sterilised but because of my age they said no as they didn’t think my reasons for asking were valid and that I’d regret it. And my husband flat out refuses a vasectomy as he doesn’t want one. Never mind he doesn’t want a third baby but that’s a moot point now.

I do hope he will come around to the idea but he’s just so steadfast that we can’t afford this and the pressure on the family would be too great.

I’m waffling now but the reality is I don’t want a termination and he doesn’t want another baby so one of us will be hurt by this.

NameChangeForThis18 Thu 11-Oct-18 07:02:04

And in answer to a previous poster, I think he’s just concerned for the family rather than being a massive arse. He’s an accountant and finances seem to be the answer to everthing x

NameChangeForThis18 Thu 11-Oct-18 07:05:23

And yes, to another PP. When I had my youngest they said I’d be under consultant led care again (due to prem birth, pre eclampsia and 2 c sections) so that wouldn’t be a concern x

AnotherEmma Thu 11-Oct-18 07:06:07

“And my husband flat out refuses a vasectomy as he doesn’t want one.”

Well he’s being an unreasonable twat. Vasectomy is a minor procedure compared to female sterilisation. He now expects you to go through an abortion you don’t want because he doesn’t want a vasectomy. He’s a hypocrite and a sexist entitled prick.

JupiterDrops Thu 11-Oct-18 07:08:04

He refused a vasectomy but tries to force you into an abortion???
What a total bellend.
It is entirely your decision. He sounds appalling. You poor thing.

Flatasapancakenow Thu 11-Oct-18 07:14:44

If finances are his main concern you should try to address this with him. Say you understand why he is concerned but can you both sit down and work out how much you could save, how childcare can be managed and things can be rejigged. Realistically you will have 9 months of maternity leave plus your holidays, so no childcare costs for the first 10 months to a year, and your child will go to preschool for a good chunk of the day when they are 3. So you would only be paying full day childcare for 2 years. Would your income make you entitled to free playgroup places when they are 2?

There was a lady on here few months ago who had aborted due to finances, 2 months later she got a promotion and a big payrise. How would either of you feel if this sort of thing happened?

Aus84 Thu 11-Oct-18 07:15:54

If you DH did not want to be a father again he should not have had sex with you. He chose to, therefore he needs to live with the consequences.

If you want this baby, just remember, all the reasons you had in your second post for not going through with the pregnancy are only temporary. The childcare, kids sharing rooms, less money for holidays etc. The only thing you need to consider are your own health implications.

Maybe you need to have a scan with him so he can actually see the little bean on the screen and start thinking of it as a future child.

NameChangeForThis18 Thu 11-Oct-18 07:19:53

I’m so tired of it all to be honest. I wish I hadn’t gotten pregnant. But I am. You’ve all helped though, I know he can’t force me to do this and that it’s entirely my choice. He’s just very worried about how life will change etc. We are financially quite steady now and this will change that. Worried about the impact on our exsisting children. On us. Etc etc etc. But there are so many cut backs we can make. Drop to one car. Internet. Sky. His and our eldests football season tickets. Rehome our cat. Those 5 alone would save about 4k a year where childcare would be about 5 1/2 K (I’m only part time so would have one in 2 days a week plus the middle 2 days a week during school holidays).

It’s doable and manageable. But he can’t see that x

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