Considering Termination

[Muminlimbo]

I feel like I need to talk and just get some of this out of my head. It's all I think of and I just don't want to think about it anymore.
I want to talk to my partner about it but can't when he is at work and he is sick so haven't said anything for a couple days.

Unplanned third pregnancy, our children would be 5 and 2. Although I crave for our third to be on our terms and for us to be ready, and happy to see those two lines.

My heart says I want a third, but finances, logistics etc say not now. His initial feeling was to terminate, and I guess that's still where he is at. (I know we need to talk but I don't want to rush or pressure him. ) I typically have harder than average pregnancies, pelvic problems that would leave me in pain to carry my toddler and unable to walk much. If we terminate we will talk about the possibility of another one in the future, maybe when our second starts part-time school. Then my eldest will hopefully be much more helpful and no longer have accidents. That would be perfect to have a 3.5y age gap between 2 and 3. Time to get stuff sorted that we need to with our house and finances.

I just wish I would miscarry so losing this baby won't be my fault. So I won't have to decide or think about this anymore.
If you've experienced similar or have any advice I'd love to hear from you.

[Angharad07]

I don’t think there’s any such thing as a perfect time for another baby. I’m not sure how morally right it is to terminate a possibly healthy baby just to try for another one 2 years later...nevertheless, it’s your situation and if you feel that a third baby would be a massive struggle at this time then I suppose you must do what you feel is best.

[Muminlimbo]

Hmm yes I agree with you to am extent.

[LEMtheoriginal]

Agree totally with angharad. If it was such bad timing why allow yourself to get pregnant? Yes it will be tough but you will cope and the loveforyour babywill see you through. Your dh will need to step up and help.

[CriminallyCharmed]

Accidents happen, theres no use berating someone after the fact. There's no moral right or wrong. Only what you can personally cope with. Look at it this way, if you miscarried would you feel happy or sad? That could help make your decision easier. Either way whatever you decide, I hope it works out for you.

[Muminlimbo]

Thank you criminallycharmed I think I'd be upset and relieved. If it were a choice between getting pregnant now or later it'd be an easy decision.

[CriminallyCharmed]

I'm sorry you're in this situation, this must be really hard. Both feelings are perfectly understandable. Do you have anyone non judgemental in your life that you could talk things through with? Someone who could perhaps give you some practical support as well?

[chiccoc]

I don't think there's any perfect time for a baby - I also don't think anyone ever regrets having their baby, but many people regret the babies they didn't have!

Completely your choice, I'd just put proper thought into it first! Good luck x

[specialsubject]

unfortunately plenty do regret having babies and there are many threads on the subject.

There is NO 'morally right or wrong' in this. Op , I wish you the best in whatever you decide.

[OhFlipMama]

I could have written this a few weeks ago. In the end, after hours and hours of thinking, talking and research, we decided to continue with the pregnancy. I'm now very excited, but it certainly took time to adjust to the idea.

I was told to consider - is your relationship with your partner strong enough to survive another pregnancy and child? Is your home suitable (even if a squeeze) for another child? Would the family welcome the child? Would it effect your health if you had the baby? Would it destroy you financially?

Those are the BIG considerations. We found that we just couldn't answer 'no' to any of those. The other concerns we had well...we just have to manage those and adjust as we go.

Only you can choose, speak to people, speak to a GP, even a helpline. I hope you can make the decision that is best for you - I know it is REALLY hard to be where you are.

[OhFlipMama]

I mean...we couldn't answer negatively to any - sorry for any misunderstanding.

[yorkshireyummymummy]

As PP have said, there’s never a perfect time to have a baby.

I also agree that accidents do happen - but there’s a bit more understanding when it’s a young girl struggling with contraception rather than a more mature woman with two children.

Personally it doesn’t sit right with me that you are contemplating terminating and at the same time planning a third child in a couple of years. You obviously know that you struggle with pelvic problems while pregnant so you should have been Uber careful with your contraception. But you didn’t and now there’s a pregnancy.

Ultimately the decision is yours . I am assuming you haven’t had a termination before now?
I have. And I know other women who have too. And I don’t know a single one who doesn’t either bitterly regret it or wish that they COULD have had the child. I wish I had had the strength to stand up to my husband who said he would leave me if I had the baby. We split up 4 years later - I couldn’t forgive him.
I suppose I’m saying although your husbands feelings are important ultimately it’s your decision and yours alone. It’s you who has to sign the consent form, you who has to undergo a medical procedure and you who has to live with yourself every day fir the rest of your life.

Speak to women who have had terminations - you must know some.
People act as if terminations are nothing. Some women move on and never regret, never have guilt etc. Some women don’t.

Sorry if I sound harsh at all - I just want you to make absolutly the right decision for YOU .

[Flatasapancakenow]

I had 3 DC (fell pregnant very quickly each time and had basically problem free pregnancies) and then my husband wanted to wait to TTC number 4. We waited u too the "right time" and I fell pregnant right away but miscarried at 11 wks. I lost a lot of blood and ended up in A and E. It was awful.

I would caution you not to take your future fertility for granted. You want a 3rd baby and you have a 3rd baby. There is no perfect time.

[Babylonlost]

Hi- it’s tough. I got pregnant with number 3 unplanned. Similar age gaps to you. I considered termination but in the end I decided to go for it against all the sensible reasons. Sadly I did miscarry at 12 weeks. It’s been so tough. I thought I had a choice and it turns out I didn’t. I still don’t know if I want a third, but I do know I wanted that one. No actual advice I’m afraid. It’s just too personal. Good luck.

[HavelockVetinari]

Honestly? If you terminate you will always, always remember and regret it. Ok, it's not perfect timing but this is your child's life.

[SouthWestmom]

@HavelockVetinari
That's very subjective

I don't ever think about my termination - it was a bunch of cells that might have become a baby for me. No need for emotional blackmail.

[ilikepeanutbutter]

I hope you are doing OK and managed to make the decision? I found myself in a similar situation.... Mentally I don't think I can cope with three kids...

[Muminlimbo]

Ended up deciding to keep it and at 12w scan found baby passed at 8w.
Wasn't meant to be and I'm now dealing with the emotiional aftermath of the last 2 months.

[Rachelover40]

Bless you. This will pass, I promise you.

Please make sure you don't become pregnant again. You have two lovely ones and from what you have told us about your previous pregnancies, ask yourself is it really worth taking the risk with your health. The children you have need a healthy mother.

For now, be kind to yourself, take it easy for a while.

[differentnameforthis]

I am so sorry for your loss op.

But please, ignore the judgemental, horrible posts on this thread. I am shocked at the responses on here, even though they were a few months ago.

This topic was created for those seeking advice free from the judgement you have received here, and I am sorry you had to read such lies ("you'll always regret it" "I don't think anyone ever regrets having a baby")

Look after yourself op.

[Muminlimbo]

Thank you xx

[ilikepeanutbutter]

Sorry to hear this muminlimbo xxxxx

[Oblomov18]

So very sorry OP.

I don't think it was fair for previous posters to say you will regret termination. That's not a given.

I didn't. I was sure it was right. And didn't regret.

Terminations and miscarriages are very different things.

Years later, after ds1, we were trying and I had a miscarriage, and I was very very upset, and it took me a long time to get over it before we could try again, for Ds2.

[UbercornsGoggles]

I don't know if this would help at all, but can you try and imagine how you will feel on the day your baby is due if you decide to terminate? Relieved or sad? Perhaps a bit of both, but which emotion would win through?

I say this because today is my due date for a baby we terminated for medical reasons. But our real reason to terminate was the likely impact on us as a family, and particular on my daughter when my husband and I are no longer around, or needing care ourselves.

Considering the impact of a baby on you, your husband, your family unit etc. are very valid reasons in contemplating a termination. I disagree with PPs who have suggested you shouldn't terminate now if you are considering having another baby in a few years time. If you don't think you will be able to cope then that is a good enough reason.

It is not an easy decision to make, and I hope you can make peace with whatever you decide.

[Rachelover40]

Oblomov 18, I too had termination and never regretted it. It was absolutely the right thing to do at the time.

However the op didn't have to make a decision in the end, she miscarried. So no need for any guilt on her part, thankfully.

OP, concentrate on getting well and be glad of your two children, you are blessed to have them. Two is good!

[differentnameforthis]

@UbercornsGoggles Please make it a new rule to read ALL op's posts before commenting. Op decided to keep the baby and lost it recently.