Hello ladies, first and foremost I haven’t decided to post to be judged or brought down as I’m already beating myself up. I needed to post my difficult situation and I’m shouting out for some advice/support. Here’s the situation I have 2 DC with a long term partner of 8 years we have a mortgage together etc... last year 2017 we separated however due to our stubbornness we both refused to move out of the home. My DC dad refused to agree a suitable childcare routine and even told me I was an incapable parent and wanted them 5 days to get them to school... I’ve took them to school and picked them up daily for the years they have been there, I also work lates finishing at midnight most nights so you can imagine some days I do struggle... so how I’m incapable I don’t know. I’ve also been left with a substantial amount of debt which I was told it’s in my name you deal with it... lovely! Anyway background done... a few months back I started dating someone else someone who is the complete opposite to my DC dad he’s loving, shares interests and actually shows me in cares I don’t have to try to get that. However due to the issues arisen at home (we’ve been in separate rooms) I kept a low profile of my new relationship. Then I found out I was pregnant, shock, fear, guilt, in denial all those emotions went through my mind I straight away said I didn’t want it it was bad timing and bad circumstances... my new partner was supportive but also clearly said his views about abortion as an ex of his had one and it deeply effected him, I think that’s a reason as to why they ultimately split up. Anyway I had an appointment for a medical abortion at 7 weeks but loads went through my mind and I walked away still pregnant. Since that day I’ve ignored the pregnancy, pretended it’s not happening. I naively thought it will just disappear. So for a long time I just continued with ‘normal’ life... despite the horrendous sickness I was dealt with! A few weeks past and I rang the clinic back up I was possibly 12 weeks? And they said I was past the tablet stage and it would be surgical. Terrifying for me. I specifically wanted to be put to sleep but apparently they don’t offer that only sedation? Up until 16 weeks so I freaked out and again blocked it out... 16 weeks came I called back and was given an appointment 2 weeks later making me 18 weeks in London 4 hours from me... the baby’s dad was prepared to drive me to London but I freaked out and felt guilty about the distance so instead he suggested we had a private scan. Sounds crazy?! I know it is :( however I’ve felt so detached and depressed maybe he thought it would help? After that episode I rang Marie stopes, initially I was dealing with BPAS and they have a clinic in Manchester which is more ideal for my location so I booked that (last week) got there and broke down however I felt like it was my last chance and calmed myself and told myself be brave! I eventually got taken down to prep and my heart raced to 165bpm the surgeon and medical team was clearly freaking out about this and refused the treatment. So I was referred to my GP for an ecg... they booked my back in for this coming Tuesday for treatment. I just don’t know what to do, how I feel? I’ve had several breakdowns and I know I’m pretty depressed to the point of i wish I would die. (I wouldn’t harm myself because of my children) but the thoughts lurk... every clinic incident makes me panic and afterwards knowing it gets delayed kinda helps knowing I can just pretend to be ok for a little while before I have to make a decision. I don’t feel proud of this situation or considering this option at this stage looking back I wish I had taken the tablets but now it’s later on and so much worse and more drastic. I’m a complete mess I lay in bed most days while my children are at school and just cry and cry and cry. Just to add into where my thoughts are... the baby’s dad can be very much overwhelming I have tried to distance myself from him and one night he rang me 50 times to the point where I cracked. I told my boys dad everything what was going on and of course he cried and all his feelings came out, this is obviously effected me because deep down I love him very much but in my head I don’t know if he is right for me, he said he couldn’t be with me if I kept the baby but I can confidently say I wouldn’t be making the decision based on our relationship. I’m so unbelievably scared, I’m so worried about what others will think of me getting pregnant to a new man not all that long after my long term relationship broke down. Like I previously said I’m severely in debt and worry how il cope with a new baby financially but also emotionally when I really don’t believe I want it, I have no attchement there which is horrible as I felt completly different with my other 2 pregnancies. I feel like I’ve let the baby down because it’s not the baby’s fault. I’ve let myself down. I’ve had some councilling and I know it’s what I want deep down I’m just so scared and emotional to be strong with that choice. My manager as also been great and helpful which is brilliant so I don’t have added stress at work. Before I’ve wanted it all
To dissapear but it really is real and I need to make a decision. Please anyone with any advice pleae help me. I’m struggling so so much and I’m constantly beating myself up, I’m not sure if I want a relationship with the baby’s dad I don’t love him like I do my children’s dad (that sounds awful) but I can’t help how I feel! I know that he will be there for the baby as he seriously doesn’t want me to end the pregnancy but I know I need to make the right decision for me. And for my family. I feel like I’m going through a real crisis. Sorry for the long post! I never understood abortions so never really had an opinion on them other than I hope I never am in that position but here I am and now I do understand why people make that choice for many different unique reasons. I also get it’s not a decision anyone takes lightly it’s probably the hardest time in my life! Thanks for reading x
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Katniss18 · 16/09/2018 00:48
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