Surgical abortion at 21 weeks torn apart.(11 Posts)
Hello ladies, first and foremost I haven’t decided to post to be judged or brought down as I’m already beating myself up. I needed to post my difficult situation and I’m shouting out for some advice/support. Here’s the situation I have 2 DC with a long term partner of 8 years we have a mortgage together etc... last year 2017 we separated however due to our stubbornness we both refused to move out of the home. My DC dad refused to agree a suitable childcare routine and even told me I was an incapable parent and wanted them 5 days to get them to school... I’ve took them to school and picked them up daily for the years they have been there, I also work lates finishing at midnight most nights so you can imagine some days I do struggle... so how I’m incapable I don’t know. I’ve also been left with a substantial amount of debt which I was told it’s in my name you deal with it... lovely! Anyway background done... a few months back I started dating someone else someone who is the complete opposite to my DC dad he’s loving, shares interests and actually shows me in cares I don’t have to try to get that. However due to the issues arisen at home (we’ve been in separate rooms) I kept a low profile of my new relationship. Then I found out I was pregnant, shock, fear, guilt, in denial all those emotions went through my mind I straight away said I didn’t want it it was bad timing and bad circumstances... my new partner was supportive but also clearly said his views about abortion as an ex of his had one and it deeply effected him, I think that’s a reason as to why they ultimately split up. Anyway I had an appointment for a medical abortion at 7 weeks but loads went through my mind and I walked away still pregnant. Since that day I’ve ignored the pregnancy, pretended it’s not happening. I naively thought it will just disappear. So for a long time I just continued with ‘normal’ life... despite the horrendous sickness I was dealt with! A few weeks past and I rang the clinic back up I was possibly 12 weeks? And they said I was past the tablet stage and it would be surgical. Terrifying for me. I specifically wanted to be put to sleep but apparently they don’t offer that only sedation? Up until 16 weeks so I freaked out and again blocked it out... 16 weeks came I called back and was given an appointment 2 weeks later making me 18 weeks in London 4 hours from me... the baby’s dad was prepared to drive me to London but I freaked out and felt guilty about the distance so instead he suggested we had a private scan. Sounds crazy?! I know it is however I’ve felt so detached and depressed maybe he thought it would help? After that episode I rang Marie stopes, initially I was dealing with BPAS and they have a clinic in Manchester which is more ideal for my location so I booked that (last week) got there and broke down however I felt like it was my last chance and calmed myself and told myself be brave! I eventually got taken down to prep and my heart raced to 165bpm the surgeon and medical team was clearly freaking out about this and refused the treatment. So I was referred to my GP for an ecg... they booked my back in for this coming Tuesday for treatment. I just don’t know what to do, how I feel? I’ve had several breakdowns and I know I’m pretty depressed to the point of i wish I would die. (I wouldn’t harm myself because of my children) but the thoughts lurk... every clinic incident makes me panic and afterwards knowing it gets delayed kinda helps knowing I can just pretend to be ok for a little while before I have to make a decision. I don’t feel proud of this situation or considering this option at this stage looking back I wish I had taken the tablets but now it’s later on and so much worse and more drastic. I’m a complete mess I lay in bed most days while my children are at school and just cry and cry and cry. Just to add into where my thoughts are... the baby’s dad can be very much overwhelming I have tried to distance myself from him and one night he rang me 50 times to the point where I cracked. I told my boys dad everything what was going on and of course he cried and all his feelings came out, this is obviously effected me because deep down I love him very much but in my head I don’t know if he is right for me, he said he couldn’t be with me if I kept the baby but I can confidently say I wouldn’t be making the decision based on our relationship. I’m so unbelievably scared, I’m so worried about what others will think of me getting pregnant to a new man not all that long after my long term relationship broke down. Like I previously said I’m severely in debt and worry how il cope with a new baby financially but also emotionally when I really don’t believe I want it, I have no attchement there which is horrible as I felt completly different with my other 2 pregnancies. I feel like I’ve let the baby down because it’s not the baby’s fault. I’ve let myself down. I’ve had some councilling and I know it’s what I want deep down I’m just so scared and emotional to be strong with that choice. My manager as also been great and helpful which is brilliant so I don’t have added stress at work. Before I’ve wanted it all
To dissapear but it really is real and I need to make a decision. Please anyone with any advice pleae help me. I’m struggling so so much and I’m constantly beating myself up, I’m not sure if I want a relationship with the baby’s dad I don’t love him like I do my children’s dad (that sounds awful) but I can’t help how I feel! I know that he will be there for the baby as he seriously doesn’t want me to end the pregnancy but I know I need to make the right decision for me. And for my family. I feel like I’m going through a real crisis. Sorry for the long post! I never understood abortions so never really had an opinion on them other than I hope I never am in that position but here I am and now I do understand why people make that choice for many different unique reasons. I also get it’s not a decision anyone takes lightly it’s probably the hardest time in my life! Thanks for reading x
Reading your post, I think deep down you don’t really want the termination. All of my friends who were hesitant about it ended up regretting it. Mabye think about if you could have a future with the new guy, including the new baby?
It sounds to me as if you don't really want to have an abortion so I would say don't, look at your other options.
I don't think you really want to abort either and so I think doing so would do more harm to your mh than good.
It's rare but you could discuss with the father the possibility of his raising the child alone, or the baby being adopted out.
You could also talk to a debt charity about finances and possibly get support so there's less pressure there. Talk to your midwife about additional support? There's programmes and special midwives for mothers who need additional support eg due to mh issues.
In short, explore all your options. There may even be more, I am not an expert.
As for falling pregnant soon after another relationship ending, that's nobodies business but yours anyway. But shit happens! Comtraception fails, it happens. You're not a bad person at all!
What support is your ex giving with the older DC? Could you share custody would that help? Could you get a different job?
It all seems overwhelming just now but it won't always be. You're stronger than you might think, look at all you've dealt with already? Don't be so hard on yourself.
I think it sounds like you want to keep the baby. Newborns don't really cost much and you can get clothing, bibs and so on fairly cheaply. Plus you'd be able to claim for support.
I agree with the others. You sound as if you don't want to have an abortion and like others have said before me, every woman I know who hesitated or was reluctant to have an abortion, regretted their decision. I will also say that people I know who did go on to have children after considering abortion, never regretted it. It's also never the 'right time' for most people to have a baby, but they still do it and come out the other side so don't let that stop you. Don't worry about what others think, it's you and your children and the little one you are carrying that is important. Lots of people have an opinion, but they are not the ones to walk in your shoes (they are also not the ones to spend a lifetime living with a decision you sound as if you are currently reluctant to make). If you decided to proceed with the pregnancy, the baby's father would support you based on what you have said. If you don't want to be in a relationship with him, then you don't have to. Regarding your children's father, he is your ex for a reason. Unless some kind of a miracle occurs, he's not going to change so I wouldn't lend any weight to his opinion. Do what is best for you, but don't let other people's opinions sway you and if you don't wish to proceed, please consider other options other then abortion (only because of how far along you are). Good luck in whatever you decide.x
Thank you all for your positive responses! I really wasn’t expecting them I was kinda preparing myself for hate and negativity. I’m not sleeping well and due to the appointment been so near I keep having panic attacks and physically been sick. I’m so scared of how my life is going to be effected not just mine but my children’s lives. I’m a big worrier and care about other people’s feelings and opinions before my own I know it’s ridiculous! My job is pretty flexible so I could look at changing my hours to suit, he still doesn’t contribute half towards the household bills so it’s staring in my face what I should do but it scares me how I will cope without him as I’m so used to living this way, I can’t explain why I have this hold over me but I can’t help how I feel. He said he despises what’s inside me as to him that’s breaking up his family that broke my heart as it’s all my fault. It does worry me how il feel if I do have the procedure afterwards especially with it been left so late, I’m really really not proud to be even contemplating it and I never thought I’d be that person but I honestly feel like there’s no other way out. Pathetic I know the new guy wants to and is just waiting to have that life with me and look after us all so I can’t process or understand why I can’t take this chance it’s crazy, I’ve never felt so low in all my life and I’ve struggled in the past with depression etc. Thank you all for your support
Putting all of that aside, what do you want?
You can and will manage just fine on your own if you need to. The fact you're panicking about the appointment suggests you really don't want to go through with it.
"My DC dad refused to agree a suitable childcare routine and even told me I was an incapable parent". - Don't give this man headspace.
"He said he despises what’s inside me as to him that’s breaking up his family that broke my heart as it’s all my fault." - No. Your relationship broke down last year long before this baby was conceived. The breakdown of the relationship has nothing to do with this baby or the fact that you are pregnant. It's more likely than not, your DC father will be worrying about his comfortable home life slipping away and worried about the fact that the pressure will be on him to leave.
I suspect your mind is already made up. If you truly wanted an abortion, I think you would have done it already. I think you're caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. Better the devil you know, then the devil you don't type of thing. Everything has happened very suddenly and you're panicking. Contrary to what you might think and even though it all happened very quickly. I think your friends and family will rally around and be very supportive whatever you decide. The people that love and care for you will be happy for you. The rest don't matter.
I also think you need to make a clean break from the father of your DC and that includes living arrangements. You're permanently living in the shadow of this dead relationship and it's toxic as it's not allowing you to move on and form new loves/relationships without worrying about how it affects the DC's DF. His opinion is irrelevant and I suspect if you both weren't living under the same roof, you wouldn't be so stressed about the situation.
Join the discussion
Please login first.