Unplanned pregnancy: should I keep the baby or have an abortion?

[ajyko]

Hey all,

Apologies in advance, this is gonna be a long one!

I found out I was pregnant a few days ago - huge shock, as we had a slip up while off the pill, and only reason I was off bc was because I'd been advised to take a break from it due to PCOS. Had a scan about a month and a half ago, and there was a dramatic increase in the number of ovarian cysts I had. Had been bleeding heavily (often clots) while on the pill for about a month beforehand and experiencing crippling cramps, so when I saw doctor she advised I took a break from it for a few months as the hormones clearly wren't agreeing with me, and to let my body 'reset'.

After our slip up, my boyfriend felt strongly that I should take the morning after pill. I didn't feel this was necessary, as my PCOS was the worst its ever been, but did it t give him peace of mind. A couple of weeks passed and I was starting to get bad cramping, so felt sure my period was coming. However, no bleed occurred. My breasts started getting really tender - to the point it's sometimes painful putting on a bra or even brushing against them - and my bf suggested we do a pregnancy test. I didn't think there was any chance of pregnancy because of the combo of PCOS and morning after pill, and simply thought these were really intense pre-period symptoms. Did a test, again to put his mind at ease, and there it was: two lines. Faint, but definitely there.

We went to Family Planning the next day where a nurse confirmed we were pregnant. We were both still in shock, but honestly, as falling pregnant is something I've always imagined I'd struggle with, I was excited. When we started to discuss, however, reality set in. Just to explain our situation: he's 24 and I'm 25. We both have good jobs with decent salaries (22k each); however, I only started my job this week, so feel a little nervous in the regard that I've just started, and could potentially be talking to them about maternity leave so soon. We've only been together four months, but that doesn't scare me - we've discussed marriage and kids from the very start of our relationship, and I know (esp in comparison to previous relationships we've both been in) he's who I'll be with for the rest of my life. We applied for a flat this week - days before finding out about the pregnancy - so were already planning on moving in together in October. We have support from both our families on whatever decision we make.

Our dilemmas are financial and in terms of lifestyle change. We know that financially we're more fortunate than many, but obviously a baby is still huge in terms of cost. We don't want to be raising a baby in a flat, and would like to get a house after our six month contract is up. We both have savings for a deposit, but know we'd be scraping to get by, at least initially, juggling first baby and first home. We also don't have a car, and he doesn't drive yet, so would need to pay for lessons and a car/insurance.

We're mostly apprehensive about if we're ready to be the parents we want to be - we both know we want kids and a family, but had always thought in a couple of years time when we're settled and feel like we could give them the best start in life we could offer. I'm worried having a baby will make things like getting a house difficult, as I know our money will go towards it first. I'm worried in case it's a long time before we're settled the way we want to be.

Also, perhaps selfishly, we're concerned about the fact that it will pretty much erase our quality time together. Neither of our families live nearby, and we know things like date nights and holidays, or just evenings where we can chill and watch tv, will be scarce if not impossible for a while. We've only been together four months, and neither of us know if we're ready to lose that time together quite so soon.

My bf is so, so supportive, and I know he'll back me whatever I choose, but I'm just really struggling to decide. Logically, I know that we probably aren't ready, and that in a couple of years we'd be far better poised to start a family. But every time I think about an abortion, I get upset, sometimes to the point of hysteria. When he brings up practical issues, I can get snappy and defensive. I told him he didn't understand like I did, because he couldn't feel the changes in his body. It wasn't fair and I hate being like that, but I already feel protective of the baby. He's worried if we go through with an abortion, it will really affect me mentally, and I can't disagree with him because I know I'll be devastated. I feel sure I could move past it, but if we struggled to conceive in the future, I don't think I could forgive myself. Even things like holidays, I'm worried I'll be resentful on them because I'll feel like the reason we're on it is because we didn't have the baby.

Deep down, I feel like an abortion is the right thing for us at this point. It's just the idea of going through with it destroys me, and I find it really hard to even discuss. We have consultations booked with both BPAS, for a scan, health check, and discussion about whether abortion is right for us or not, (4th September) and a midwife (13th September), so still have time to decide.

Sorry again this is so long - I started typing and couldn't stop! Just felt like I had to get all of it off my chest and share all the little things on my mind to help get the right advice. Any input welcome, I've never felt so lost.

[LeftRightCentre]

How would you feel if you terminate and then later struggle to conceive due to your PCOS? I wouldn't terminate in your shoes for that reason.

[ajyko]

That’s been a concern of mine. My bf and parents have reassured me that if I could get pregnant under these circumstances, they can’t imagine me struggling in the future. But it is something I’ve thought about.

[Kezebel]

We've only been together four months, but that doesn't scare me - we've discussed marriage and kids from the very start of our relationship, and I know (esp in comparison to previous relationships we've both been in) he's who I'll be with for the rest of my life.

With the greatest respect OP, you can't know this. You can feel it, and hope it, but 4 months is a very, very short amount of time to be in this deep with someone. Yes, it has worked before for people, and (if you do decide to not have an abortion) I hope that it will work for you too.

You say you are concerned a baby will erase your quality time. Assume it will. The reality of caring for a newborn can be a huge strain and test even the longest and strongest (by that, I'm not implying yours isn't strong, more the strength that many shared experiences, good bad and ugly bring over time) of relationships.

However, you cannot reverse an abortion, you know this. If the idea of an abortion 'destroys' you, and you already feel protective over your baby, that may give you your final answer.

[Stressedoverkids]

How would you feel if you terminate and then later struggle to conceive due to your PCOS? I wouldn't terminate in your shoes for that reason.

People with PCOS struggle
to conceive. You need to get professional advice about this. I had mild PCOS it took me 5 years to conceive.

[ajyko]

Thanks everyone for your input. It's a really scary, but also exciting time, and I so appreciate you guys giving opinions. His mum is coming to visit us this weekend before the BPAS appointment, and my mum is flying over next weekend, between BPAS and midwife appointments; all which I think should be good in helping us reach a final decision.

[ajyko]

Stressedoverkids, if you don't mind me asking, what was your journey to conceive like? Was it a case of just keep trying, or were you prescribed Clomid or recommended IVF? Apologies if it's too personal a question x

[Stressedoverkids]

Yes recommended initially keep trying, then Clomid which didn't work and they kept putting up the dosage. Side effects are horrendous.

I don't think I could cope with IVF it's very stressful from what I hear.

[AnnieFannie1982]

If you'd like children, and at this point in time all the 'security' boxes are ticked, then I think I'd continue with the pregnancy. You can only make a decision on the here and now. None of us have crystal balls, we all decide to have babies without knowing what the future will hold. Your PCOS and future fertility issues would seal the deal for me.

[herworldoutsideit]

Okay, you have asked a direct question 'either or' question, so I will give a direct answer. I really think you should keep the baby. Because you are already talking about how traumatic you even find the idea of a termination. It is not something to be taken lightly. I am not against abortion but feel it is really for people who are quite sure a baby is not what they want. That is not you. Your initial reaction on finding you are pregnant was delight. You talk about this being an exciting time. You clearly want this child. I don't think you understand how completely empty you will feel if you terminate a child you actually want (even if timing is not ideal). Guilt and remorse about a regretted abortion is something that people can carry with them their whole lives. I know someone who terminated in their youth because of their youth despite the fact that they wanted the baby and they still talked about it aged 50 as the one thing they regretted in life.
Yes, your life will change when you have a baby. That is true no matter how old you are when you have kids. I had my children very late in life (mid 40's) and honestly, if I could live my life again I would have them earlier. Apart from anything, you will get to see so much more of their lives, but you also have them, they leave and you are free to enter a new phase of your life (rather than retirement like me!). I really wish I could raise my kids and then enter a new career, for example, but it'll be too late for me then.

And the fact that you may struggle to conceive in future, seriously, how will you feel if this was your chance?

As for your job, as far as I am aware maternity rights kick in from day one of employment. It would be illegal for them to sack you. And anyway, that is a side issue to what is the real issue of whether you want this baby. And it is clear from your post that you do.

Anyway, I'm rambling a bit, but bottom line, I don't think a termination is for you. Because you want this baby and already feel protective of it. Do you really feel you could swallow the pills to end the pregnancy?

[woodfires]

You have every right to have a termination. Having said that I'm not really reading anything that suggests you want one. If you are feeling excited then I cannot see you are going to feel relieved if you do have an abortion. Take up some counseling in rl. Good luck with your decision.

[eskimomama]

OP, I agree with everyone saying you sound like you really want to keep the baby, but you also sound really mature about the consequences and the constraints of having a baby too soon.
So it sounds like you aren't naive about the difficulties and that you're even ready for them.

I'm not sure your bf feels that way though? It's a huge thing for a 24 year old guy to become a father, although there are lots of guys who were never going to be ready and are still great fathers ;)

If I can make a suggestion, I would say have an honest talk with him. Ask him (and let him ask you) if there is anything you need to know about each other, because in 4 months you haven't had enough time. I have a few friends who had a baby very early in their relationship and are still fine together 10 years later, but in my case (got pregnant in less than a year) I wish I had known my partner better. It's very random but when I got pregnant I didn't know he was bisexual, I only learned this 7 years later. He chose not to tell me as I was pregnant and for lots of reasons I really wish I had known. I know someone who didn't realise her partner was a narcissist, because they hadn't been through bad times yet. Random stories, probably not applicable to you, but I hope you get my point.

You could also talk about your preferred parenting style, about how you would have pictured your lives in 5 years if you hadn't got pregnant, to see how things could work out despite having a baby.
Eventually the decision will be yours as a couple.
I wish you the best whatever you decide.

[faeriequeen]

How are you doing op? If you're still looking for opinions, I'd say keep your baby. It's never the right time, but if you want children in the future I'd have this baby now.
I have PCOS and spent years TTC, finally having a baby through ivf in my late 30s. We'd dearly love a sibling but I think we left it too late. If I could go back and give myself one piece of advice it would be to start TTC earlier.
Good luck OP.

[ajyko]

Hey everyone. Thanks so much for all the advice, we really appreciate it. We've decided to keep the baby - we're so excited, and know any struggle will be nothing compared to the amazing gift we've been given :) thank you all again! X

[pumpkinspicetime]

That was really nice to read OP when it popped up on my feed. Enjoy your DC.