Wracked with guilt

[MrsMcKenzie]

Hi ladies,

I’ve been feeling really down for the last few months and I am just posting to see if any users could give me some advice - basically I fell pregnant unexpectedly (4 months after giving birth to DD) I was breastfeeding at night, so thought this was an effective form of contraception. I have recently just finished my university degree in Adult Nursing and was going through a transitional phrase trying to get a job etc. We’ve been living off OH’s income for a while now and are barely meeting end’s meet, so there was no way we could afford another baby on the way. We made the decision to terminate the pregnancy (a decision not taken lightly, we tried to come up with alternative options in order to keep the baby), but it just wasn’t going to work. I went ahead and had the termination in May, initially I was relieved as I knew I was doing the right thing, but since then I’ve been wracked with guilt everyday - I am utterly devastated. A friend of mine is due her baby in December (the same month I was due) and I’m finding it so difficult to be around her. I hate myself so much for being like this. Has anyone been in a similar position and can offer some advice? Sorry for the long post. Nobody knows about this, so I can’t talk to anyone.

Thanks in advance,
Carly x

[nowifi]

I think it's normal to feel how you are feeling. You're steal dealing with the emotions of having your first DD and then trying to process the termination aswell. It will get easier with time I'm sure. You've no need to feel guilty as you made the best decision for you at that time

[eskimomama]

Very sorry you're going through this. I fully understand as I'm going through the same. The guilt is really eating me alive, especially when I'm lying in bed trying to fall asleep. I can't believe I've done this and start feeling like I made my decision too quickly (at 5 weeks, on June 1st) and that I could have coped (which is wrong on many levels but I'm not objective right now). My situation is very different to yours, I have an 8 year old with severe autism who never sleeps and suffered badly from pregnancy sickness (hyperemesis gravidarum to be exact) the first time, my marriage is on probation at the moment so I felt I just couldn't cope with having another baby. Not to mention the fear of having another child with special needs :(

If it can help - a counselor told me to think that I made my decision as a mother, which is everything but a selfish decision. You decided to have a termination to preserve your family on many levels. 4 months is too early to get pregnant again IMHO, especially with breastfeeding. Your own body wasn't ready to cope with a new pregnancy and childbirth. You need all your energy to focus on your baby right now.

How is your DH, can you speak about your feelings with him? Mine doesn't seem to feel any guilt at all, so he's not helpful.

I really hope time helps, but I believe we need more than just time to feel less guilty. I hope this helps a bit x

[crl200]

Making the decision is hard, but I'm sure you made the right one for your circumstances.

My advice only works if you are looking for a way to accept what happened- not if you want to forget completely.

My friend said after her termination, she knew she would have more children when her first was slightly older, but she didn't want to forget this one, so she mad a memory box. She wrote a letter to the baby, explaining her situations and that she loved it very much but the decision had to be made. She said even though no-one including the baby would never read it, it helped her to express what she was feeling, she then put this in the box. Alongside the letter she put a photo of her first born, and one item of baby clothing. She then had the box engraved with the name she thinks she would've called it?
my friend said the process of doing it was hard and stirred up a lot of emotion, but now she feels she has respected the pregnancy, and it will never be forgotten because of this box.

I'm not sure if this would work for everyone, but to me it seemed like a beautiful idea.

Other ways people have tried to remember is by getting tattoos- that way even though the pregnancy has ended, the significance of the baby is always with you.

xxx

[MrsMcKenzie]

Hi ladies, thank you all very much for taking the time to reply to my post. I really appreciate it! After reading the messages I am feeling slightly better about the situation - although I will always regret the decision, it was done out of maternal love for my DD and the baby. I know not everyone is into spiritual stuff, but I read something online that brought me great comfort - it stated that regardless of how pregnancy’s end (miscarriage, termination and so on) that the soul will always return to the mothers aura and wait for another opportunity to be born. Obviously everyone has different beliefs and faiths, but I’m going to continue to believe that the baby will come back to me in the near future.

Hope everyone is keeping well and thanks again for replying.

Carly xxx

[scuttlemama]

Hi,

I’m so glad you are feeling slightly better.

I found out I was pregnant 6 months after having our first DC. I was struggling mentally, financially we were not secure and we came to the decision to terminate.

This was very early 2014 and I still think about it every single day. I’ve had counselling (not just for this) and when it really gets to me I always have to remember that after I had it done and my husband asked how I was feeling, I said relieved.

It’s a life changing decision and no matter what anyone says, it is likely to be the hardest decision you ever have to make. Whatever happens in the future, don’t hate yourself for how you’re feeling