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Unsure about third pregnancy

(12 Posts)
unsureandundecided Fri 06-Jul-18 14:30:55

Name-changed for this. I found out I was pregnant yesterday and by dates I’m only 4 weeks.

This is a very much unplanned pregnancy following one accident. I’m 31. DH and I have been together 11 years with 2 DC (5 & 3). We both have good jobs and a 4 bed house (so enough physical room) we are financially comfortable for the first time since I had my first DC.

I love my life now the kids are a bit older and we do lots as a family but also as a couple. We’re doing our house up after years of renting. We’re planning our first big holiday abroad together as we can now afford it and life just generally is great. We are so content with two.

So this news has really rocked me. Part of me thinks I don’t want to give up what I have now as I’m loving life after quite a few hard years. The other half of me is worried that I’ll regret not continuing with the pregnancy and I do see myself surrounded by children and grandchildren when I’m older.

My DH is supportive of whatever decision I make and I know he will be there no matter what but my head is all over the place with this.

I’d like to hear experiences from people either way, whether third pregnancies continued or whether you terminated. My head says no way but a tiny part of my heart says how can I even be considering not having this baby?

Feeling so confused!

motherhood1 Fri 06-Jul-18 18:22:58

I unexpectedly fell pregnant with my third baby when my children were 3 yo and 7 months. It was a huge shock as even my doctor told me I would be safe. My partner was also in shock and we did discuss that we would be starting again for the third time but we know that they grow too fast and there will come a time again, when we can enjoy our independent time together and feel a little more less chaotic. A lot of worry and panic did run around my head and I did ask myself if I would be able to support a third baby and still manage to keep us all on our feet, but I'm doing it every day and my youngest is now 9 months old. I honestly cannot imagine my life without him or any of my 3 kids. I found the transition form 1 to 2 more challenging than I did going from 2 to 3, but that's just me. You honestly figure everything out as you go along and it seems like you will be just fine. Good luck to you.

unsureandundecided Sat 07-Jul-18 10:37:02

Thank you for your message, it’s reassuring.

I feel a little more positive this morning but I still feel so scared. I was so done at 2.

Can I contact any kind of helpline to discuss my feelings around this? I’m just so undecided!

motherhood1 Sat 07-Jul-18 20:34:03

You can speak to BPAS about your choices, or go and see your GP, give yourself plenty of time to reach a decision too. I hope you reach the right one for you. All the best.

CorianderSnell Sun 08-Jul-18 07:32:08

When I was in a similar position I went to GP to see if they could refer me for counselling - they recommended a local charity who did free counselling for pregnant women, who were really lovely and helpful to me.

I had a 5yo, a 3yo and had just taken a place on a training course for some volunteering I really wanted to do. My relationship was not in the best place.

For the first few weeks after finding out I woke or lay awake most nights feeling sick and panicky and reading every mn thread on third babies I could find. I think the decision to have a third - whatever the circumstance - is a tricky one for many people.

I had my baby, he’s two, and although the pregnancy and first year were difficult in many ways I am delighted he’s here.

The decision making is the awful part. Once you make your mind up either way it will be easier.

It can feel like you have to work out what is right, and that if you don’t get it right you’ll end up with something awful, but look at i this way - either you’ll end up with the beautiful family you have now and not interrupt the freedom you are starting to get, or you’ll get a wonderful new little person. Both ways can have difficulties but both ways everything can be ok.

unsureandundecided Sun 08-Jul-18 10:29:08

Thank you for the comments.

I’m still feeling 50/50 on it and swing between each outcome every hour.

I’m giving myself a bit of time to really think about it and not going to rush myself into making a decision. DH is supportive of either option.

I’m caught between not particularly wanting a baby and not wanting to regret having an abortion for the rest of my life. I’m hoping the answer will come to me soon!

unsureandundecided Sun 08-Jul-18 10:30:27

I’m going to try to keep posting on here too as searching through past similar threads has been quite helpful so it may be useful for someone else in the future to see the outcome of my situation.

unsureandundecided Thu 12-Jul-18 18:39:20

I’ve been going round in circles for the past few days but decided last night to phone Marie Stopes and make an appointment. Will be having my phone consultation shortly.

I think this is the right decision but it doesn’t make it an easy one. I feel so alone 😥

longsided Thu 12-Jul-18 23:03:58

How did you get On unsure? I went through this situation (very similar to yours) 3 months ago. It was the hardest time of my life so I understand.

longsided Thu 12-Jul-18 23:09:25

I will also write a longer reply tomorrow, I just wrote it all and my phone died and deleted it! I opted for a termination in almost identical situation to yours, hardest decision ever and I still worry sometimes it was the wrong one but overall we are all fine and my family is very happy. I’ll post more tomorrow about how I got through it / made a decision as I found that the hardest part.

unsureandundecided Fri 13-Jul-18 06:56:55

Thank you for your reply long, means a lot.

They said I’ll need to wait another 2 weeks for the procedure because I’m only 4 weeks but other than that it went ok. They advised the medical route so that’s what I’m going for and they’re calling me today to book a date.

I think that’s what I’m scared of, always wondering if I did the ‘right’ thing.

longsided Fri 13-Jul-18 20:47:51

No problem unsure. I probably won’t come back on this thread again but didn’t want to not fully explain how I dealt with it as I found it very useful a few months ago to read others’ experiences.

Basically there’s is no ‘right’ decision. If like me you were actively trying NOT to conceive at that time then I personally found it acceptable to feel I didn’t need to progress the pregnancy. Like you I had a 5 & 3 year old, a very happy family life and a DH who wasn’t overly keen for a third (but would have supported). The biggest thing at the time for me was that right then at that moment I didn’t want a third pregnancy, less about a third child but I was quite ill with second baby and from 5wks felt dreadful immediately really so I knew it would have been similar. I am self employed and could not take time off and I just couldn’t face the illness. Also we have several big trips coming up I couldn’t have gone on. These were big factors for me because they impact on my current children too. The game changer really was that I have often considered a third but put it off, I had come to terms with perhaps thinking about it when my youngest is at school, my business Is established and financially we are stable for me to be off for the first 3 months (I am pretty much bed bound!) but life isn’t like that and I got pregnant at the ‘wrong’ time for me. At first I thought no way can I terminate, I love my children so so much, how could I not want a third...? I became incredibly emotional about it (fair enough). My DH was very good, pragmatic and reminded me that if I didn’t want it ‘now’ I didn’t have to. He very much believed we were actively trying not to get pregnant and therefore it didn’t matter if I might consider it again in the future. I suppose I accepted this way of thinking and chose to forgive myself for having to make a very hard decision that I didn’t ever want to make. We were sensible and a mistake occurred.

Fast forward to now, some days I think ‘I want another baby’ just like I have for the last 3 years and a slight feeling of remorse sets in BUT some days like today my kids are really difficult and I think ‘no way’ and I feel happier / better. I discussed this with my DH last night, basically I morn my children’s earlier years, they seem to grow too fast and I want to bottle them up and keep them at every stage they go through but I can’t and if I had kept a third one I would still feel that way in 3-4 years time I know. It is hard to separate out all these emotions but I tell myself that I did what felt right for me and my family at that exact time. I couldn’t foresee the future.

Friends ask us all the time ‘are you going to have a third’ and it’s slightly sore for me. The answer still now is probably not but We don’t know for sure. Because we all do what we think is right at that moment and that is all we have. We can’t predict the future and we don’t know how we may or may not feel. We just have to be confident that we went with our gut feeling at the time.

I hope this helps, all I would say is take your time to weigh it up. Look at your current children and weigh up the life you want for them (with or without sibling), make a list of reasons to and not to oh and I also videod myself (sounds mad I know!!) because if I ever decide to hate myself for it all I will watch it and remember 1.) how ill I felt and 2.) that I really struggled and went through hell to make a very difficult choice. 3.) if it were my friend I would be kind to her

Be kind to yourself and have faith that whatever option you choose you will make it ok.

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