My abortion story & why you should listen to your heart

[motherhood1]

I had a surgical abortion when I was 17 and baby was dating 10+4 weeks (very late I know, but I was torn between abort and keep). I already had a daughter who had just turned 1 at the time and I was still with the same partner. However this pregnancy was a complete surprise and knocked me totally as did it my partner. We were going through a rough patch in our relationship and knew a baby would not make things easier. From finding out, my boyfriend wanted me to abort and when I told my mum she was disgusted and didn't want to support me or any decision I would make myself at all. Her lack of support made me feel so alone and scared that it made the decision harder to make. I felt like my mum should have been there for me no matter what. As time went on and I still hadn't made my mind up, my family were pressuring me and saying things like 'hurry up and get rid of that baby', 'if you don't get rid then you can't live here' and 'our family will be ashamed'. Alongside all that my BF just kept saying nows not the time and this baby will come back to us when the time is right. Deep in my heart I knew I would never forgive myself for aborting a baby, especially when I looked at my daughter. I felt guilt before I had even done anything wrong and I wanted to run away and have the baby as that's what my heart told me to do. After weeks and weeks of heartache and feeling very numb, senseless and emotionless, I booked for my surgical abortion and shocked myself by actually going through with it. I wasn't offered or spoken to about any sort of counselling for after the procedure and nothing in the world could have prepared me for how broken my heart afterwards and for the next few months. It was the worst decision I ever made (I understand not everyone feels that way and I am not judging you for feeling otherwise), but for me I knew deep down I would never get over it. I stopped eating and never stopped crying. I distanced myself from family and my BF and began hating them for pushing me into what should have been my own decision. Life really fell apart and I became massively depressed. I felt like a failure to my daughter, I felt bad for her even though she had no idea what was going on and I so badly wanted to time travel backwards and change it all. I considered suicide and I left my BF. I realise my situation was not ideal at all and having another baby was also not ideal but accepting reality doesn't take away the pain in any way.
4 years on and I have been back with my partner for 3 of those. We have come a long way and I do see now that the decision I made was for the best at that time but I still think about what could have been now and then... I now have 2 other children (so all 3 with the same dad) and my god have they completed my life and filled my heart to the brim. God gave me them all as blessings and they all came all at the right time in my life. What has helped me come to accept my choice of abortion is that, if I didn't go through with it back then, then I wouldn't have the my two youngest children that I have now and I can't imagine life without them. I would say for anyone considering abortion or anyone who has just had one, it's not selfish or wrong to admit the time isn't right. But just remember it's your decision to make and no one else's opinions should be taken into consideration. But also remember it is possible to go onto having beautiful, healthy babies in the future when the time is right for you. I pray that you do if that's what you wish for. Listen to your heart and look after yourself. I hope this has helped someone.