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Abortion or not ?

(19 Posts)
Kav123 Wed 13-Jun-18 17:17:41

Hello all,
I am desperate to get some advice real fast. I am 35-year-old (36 in August) career women, I got married in 2016. I just found out I am pregnant, I am unsure whether to have a child or not (OH feels the same: unsure), I feel I am not ready (I know even at 35) and if ever I feel ready, I worry it might be too late or will I regret not having kids in my 50’s ? Will I regret abortion later in life?
My background, I have deep rooted issue which I haven’t got out of. I didn’t have any childhood; my parents were miserable. I have depression too, though I am currently off med. I am not even sure if I have that love in me for another human being who will be dependent on me. Not fond of kids anyway so easier to just do the obvious but I want to hear from people who went ahead and had kids.
None of my friends have babies or want kids, I don’t have a mother whom I can go talk to or know any other mums. Tried to watch some online videos/blog and its full of people who don’t want kids or regret kids. I want to talk to someone with children, someone who can tell me the reality what it would be like to have kids. Do any of you regret having children?

GreyCloudsToday Wed 13-Jun-18 17:20:56

How far along are you in your pregnancy?

Do you have the time and the funds to access private counselling to talk through some of these issues?

Parenting is round-the-clock demanding, and it's much more enjoyable for everyone if you really want to do it. You can have a perfectly fulfilling, wonderful life without kids, if that's your decision.

Kav123 Wed 13-Jun-18 17:21:48

7 weeks i think..

Kav123 Wed 13-Jun-18 17:23:03

Right now my issue is that i dont know if i want kids or not ...or will it ever want kids.. kids free life seems tempting since i dont have kids so nothing to compare to.

Frosty66612 Wed 13-Jun-18 17:28:48

I think it’s hard enough to be a parent if you really want to be one, let alone if you don’t.
It might be an unpopular opinion but if I were in your shoes then i’d Have an abortion as you would probably be a bit more open to the idea at the age of 35 if you were ever going to want children.
Good luck x

MumofBoysx2 Wed 13-Jun-18 17:32:16

I think you would regret it if you had one. You might never get pregnant again.

SoyDora Wed 13-Jun-18 17:37:47

I think you would regret it if you had one. You might never get pregnant again

As the OP isn’t even sure if she wants children then that’s just projecting.
Having kids is hard. I’m pregnant with my third (planned) so obviously love motherhood, but it’s been really really hard. If I wasn’t 100% sure I wanted children in the first place it would have been even harder.

DasPepe Wed 13-Jun-18 17:40:01

There is only one certainty with kids: your life will change. Lots or quite a bit or just change - that depends on the person. But it will change in ways you can’t predict.

I think you can only make a decision based on how you feel now and just consider that you will then have to live with that choice (and I mean a choice either way).

I completely agreed with that what everyone said above.

I would add that when I got married we had assumed that we would have children ina couple of years. I then got pregnant unexpectedly and it was a shock. We didn’t speak properly for a day or two and I was a bit miserable. (Now we have 2)

I don’t think anyone can be “ready” for kids, I’m always suspicious when people say that smile

bangwhistle Wed 13-Jun-18 20:56:53

For what it's worth I never thought I wanted children. Accidentally got pregnant at at 32 and had the baby. Now pregnant with third. Your children are different to everyone else's. I'm not keen on other people's kids but I passionately love my own. I didn't real ready and was pissed off that it got in the way of a promotion but I've made my peace with that now and would definitely have regretted not having children. There was a really, really interesting women's hour discussion about this about about 5 years ago where they had women speaking about whether they regretted children or not. It seemed that it was more common to not regret children and to regret them but it[s so personal. My life is totally different now and I have had to make huge compromises in my career but that is also my choice. A good friendly have one child and her career has actually become more incredible since she had children. It can be done. Good luck OP. Listen o your heart and you'll make the right decision for you.

DesertSky Wed 13-Jun-18 21:07:04

Children most certainly do change your life that’s for sure. However, you can still stay true to yourself if you make time for you and things you love. It takes a while to establish a routine. I don’t think you can ever be prepared. At the same time, the feeling of holding your newborn baby for the first time is a completely overwhelming feeling. That wave of love is indescribable and for me, nothing compares to it. I don’t think necessarily not liking children in general means you won’t love being a parent. Having your own child is something different. Of course not everyone is naturally maternal/paternal, but I personally know of very few parents who actually regret a child. It’s more common to hear of people regretting not having/being able to have a child.
You and your DH need to sit down and have a thorough discussion and weigh up everything before making a decision. I wish you good luck.

KoshaMangsho Wed 13-Jun-18 21:17:06

Children turn your life upside down. No spontaneity. The sleep deprivation at the start is hard. They are little illogical creatures and you feel very tied down.
But. I wanted kids. I enjoy motherhood. I work 4 days a week as does DH. We both love kids (ours and others) and we have two. There are tough days. Both of us have shouted. Our sex life disappeared for a while and is only now limping back to normal. My pelvic floor is ruined despite two small babies and two C sections.
But. I wanted motherhood. And it’s everything I wanted and more. They are both, in their own way, utterly delightful. This evening they were giggling their heads off in the bath at nothing in particular and it just lifted me. My younger one comes up to me and gives me spontaneous kisses (my older one does too but at nearly seven he’s sometimes too cool for Mummy kisses).

I found early motherhood tough despite wanting children. In your position I wouldn’t have kids. Because I have many many friends with busy careers who had kids because society told them to and they find it stifling. They are outwardly ‘good’ mothers but you can see they find it utterly boring. So don’t do it unless you want to.

Might you regret it? Yes? You could always try again if you feel broody. But there are many things in life you might regret.
A good test might be to think about what you would feel if someone said that you were now infertile and adoption wasn’t open to you. Would you feel devastated? Would you feel relieved? Would you feel a tinge of regret or just be meh?

Hannabee123 Wed 13-Jun-18 22:08:48

No one on here can decide for you.

I think it's best if you and your partner have a serious chat about it all and see if this is something you both want and if you can / can't make it work.

Everyone has different experiences having / raising children. Some good, some bad. I don't think this is a choice to make based off other peoples scenarios.

MrsBobDylan Wed 13-Jun-18 22:39:42

I think you need counselling to explore your feelings more. You owe it to yourself to find out how much is fear of recreating your childhood and how much is a lack of an urge to have a baby. It could be a mixture of the two even.

Sorry you are in this difficult position, please do get some impartial advice.thanks

twinkletwinklelittlerainbow Wed 13-Jun-18 23:14:39

I didn't want kids, I still don't particularly like other people's kids. I didn't feel any maternal instincts during my pregnancy and probably until she was about 5 weeks old I disliked her, loved but disliked.

Now, I feel awful for even writing that. She's 4 months and I absolutely adore every bone in her body, she is the most amazing little girl. I get excited every morning to see her little face smiling up at me, and everything she does is just amazing.

My mum told me 'you will love your own'. I wasn't convinced, turns out mams do know best!

I'd give it some serious thought, I have had an abortion in the past so I can see your situation from both sides.

Honestly, life doesn't stop it just gets better!

There are loads of support groups, play groups to meet new people, daunting at first but every one I've been too there has always been at least one friendly face.

I don't think there is ever a right time to have children, I had just started a new job myself which I loved, but will be going back off maternity into a new roll that suits our family...please think about both sides, I don't know what I did before my daughter she has changed my life for the better xx

Kav123 Thu 14-Jun-18 10:05:16

twinkletwinklelittlerainbow thank you xxx

Kav123 Thu 14-Jun-18 10:09:26

MrsBobDylan You are right i do need counselling (i have been to before) I have a deep rooted fear of turning into my mother and killing myself like her, or doing damage to the child like my mother did to me..I will never be able to forgive myself .. I never felt pressured to have a child, i just still think im mentally a child myself looking for love and acceptance,I would not be a good role model.

Plantpotpot Thu 14-Jun-18 10:18:20

The problem is you are already pregnant. An abortion doesn’t ‘turn back time’ as if you never got pregnant. Unfortunately I learnt that the hard way - you will always ‘know’ how old your child would have been etc. It almost broke me even though it was the ‘right’ decision (I’m completely pro-choice btw). You could look at it this way, why still let your mother control your emotions and choices? Maybe stick two fingers up at her and say ‘I CAN do this and I’m going to do a better job than you did’. Raising a child and giving it everything you never had is the perfect therapy for you and the child will also benefit!

Rooroo1012 Thu 14-Jun-18 10:35:37

Book yourself an appointment at the abortion clinic and I say this because it recently helped me decide.

The first part is consultation and this last for about 2 hours. They chat with you about your circumstances, how you feel, what support you have, if any and they give you an ultrasound to see how far along in the pregnancy you are.

You have the choice to see the baby on the monitor if you wish and to also have a scan picture.

I went through all this when I was 8 weeks pregnant. Didn't know what choice to make, what the right choice would be based on my current circumstances. I was so close to booking my second appointment for the actual abortion but after leaving from speaking with the consultants and the sonographer, I decided the right choice for me was to keep my baby. I'm now 21 weeks pregnant and couldn't be happier.

Going to the clinic helped me clear my head. I put myself one step closer to the choice of having an abortion and I felt this really helped me decide. Maybe it will help you decide. Good Luck with it all.

aacceberrx Thu 14-Jun-18 14:13:19

I was told by a friend who had an abortion that if there was at least 1% of you that wanted to keep the baby then don't go through with it. She regretted her abortion but children were always in her plans for the future so I guess there's a difference in outlook there.

Whatever you decide you need to remember that this is something that will be with you for life, either way, and you need to be 100% comfortable with the decision. Good luck flowers

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