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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

I seriously need your help. Making myself ill

(7 Posts)
Reallyneedyourhelp Mon 11-Jun-18 10:33:09

This is gonna be a long one but please i beg u read. I am so lost, so torn. I cant sleep, eat, cant stop crying and am making myself ill. Trying to cut a long story short i am 33 and have 2 boys age 7 and 4. I have been separated from my husband for 2 years. Life has been very hard on us all, lost my dad had my first child and lost our family business all in the space of 5 months. We had just bought our 1st house and i had too a job working night to keep the roof over our head while husband worked 7am -6pm 5 days a week. He would walk though the door id pass him a baby and go to work. Its been so hard and along with lots of other things contributed to the break down of our relationship. He is an amazing dad and my boys adore him it broke their heart to see him go. So we have tried to keep things as normal for them as possible and still spend birthdays x mas ect all together and he comes here 3 nights a week to bath them, put them to bed ect. So the lines have blured on the odd occasion. When he left i had to give up my evening job as no 1 to have kids of a night so am up to my eye balls on benifits. My youngest starts school in September and i have phcyced myself up for going back to work and giving them all the things they want and need. Our house to some may not be terrible but there are so many things that we cant fix repair ect and just was so looking forward to providing them and us all with more. I have no suport with family in relation to child care ect and because of abuse issues as i child i struggle big time with the thought of childmindes ect even though i know it would most likely be ok. Anyway my husband lost his job in feb and so spent a lot of time at the house with me and the kids. Could really see he was making a effort and trying. In may we spent the whole day together for my sons birthday and after a few bottles of wine we slept together. My period had literally just about finished the day before and i did ask him after if i should take the pill. Based on the fact i wasnt due to ovulate for 7 days we both thought we would be ok. And in all honestly i didnt have the 30 quid to pay for the morning after pill. Fast forward and we have continued spending time together and have been sexually active but i found out a week ago im pregnant. 5 weeks to be exact. Our initial reaction was shock and ok we can do this but almost imediatly and for the last 5 days i have just been a state. I know 100% keeping "it" (cant deal with the b word right now) is totally impractical for so many reason i couldnt even list them. The list is endless. But i also know i would never ever forgiv3 myself and this is gonna f with my mental state big time. I am very pro choice but always thought that i would never have to consider making a decision like this. I just feel like how can i do that. No matter how impractical it is. But i also feel i have to. Ive begged for nature to take its course. I feel so torn. My boys would love another brother or sister and in my heart even for a young age i always wanted 3. I just feel that either way i loose and someone has to suffer. Either i take on the guilt and regret and am a changed person and do what in my heart i dont wanna do, to give my boys a better life, but id always be thinking "it" paid the price for that. Or i have "it" and sink us further into poverty and spread the little we already have even thinner. My husbands has been very supportive but ultimately says the decision is mine and either way he will be there. Please please help in any way you can. Advice opinions things for me to consider. I have been to doctor, made the appointment and have to go for bloods and scan tomorrow :-( then they will give me an actual date for procedure. I just dunno if i can go though with it. I dont want to. But feel i have to. Please... any help would be so so so much appreciated.

tmc14 Tue 12-Jun-18 10:01:56

I didn’t want to leave you with no replies, but I don’t really have an advice to share.
I think if you would suffer massively if you go through with the termination then it might be best to keep it and make it work. Is your husband looking for work? Presumably he won’t be unemployed forever.
It’s a really tough choice & you’ve been through so much flowers
Is there a friend or somebody in real life you can talk it through with? Are you being offered counselling as well as the medical appointments?
x

Eloisedublin123 Tue 12-Jun-18 22:13:03

How did it go today op?

Lostalldirection Wed 13-Jun-18 13:36:32

Oh OP I do hope you pop back on here. I completely understand how you feel because I am in almost the same position.

I'm 45, with two children of 18 months and just 3. DP and I literally did the deed just once back in March, just like you it was straight after the end of my period and should've been a good few days before that 'fertile window'. Fast forward 3 weeks and we found out I'm pregnant. I was in such shock I cried constantly and literally felt like I was in a dream bubble for a month because we had absolutely no intention of having a third child and neither of us could believe I had fallen pregnant so easily at 45.

We had three appointments at BPAS to terminate the pregnancy but each time we just couldn't see it through. We found ourselves in an awful position because we don't want a third child but can't seem to see through an abortion. We've both accepted this means we will be having a third child but we both still feel in shock, in denial it's happening and unlike my previous two pregnancies I'm finding myself hoping this one will pass quickly so I can just 'get on' with the upheaval that's coming.

I'm so full of fear, fear that we will regret not having the abortion, fear of the disruption this will bring to our little family because we were so happy as a family of four, fear of the impact it will have on the children I already have as I will have less time for each of them, fear of starting all over again with the baby stage when I was so happy to never experience those hard going first 18 months with a newborn again (I was happy I was through the baby stage).

The one thing that really shocked us both was how hard we found it to actually see through an abortion. I had one years ago when I was 20 and knew straight away it was the right decision. This time I felt so much more emotional about it all and it bothered me so much more.

The one thing the counsellor at BPAS said that really impacted me was 'there is no such thing as a right or easy decision, it's whichever one you feel you can live with' .

Don't beat yourself up OP. It's such a horrible position to be in. x

Reallyneedyourhelp Wed 13-Jun-18 17:29:27

Lostalldirection... you have taken every last thought and feeling out of my mouth. I feel 100% exactly the same. I just feel either way someone suffers. Im stressing ill completely loose my marbles if i keep "the appointment" and im stressing ill have postnatal depression if i have it. I know I would take one look and fall in love but i dont see me excited over the next 9 months. If i keep i will still feel guilt to the 2 I already have. And i do love them enough to do it. But i cant make them my decision. I feel like that would be passing the buck but its the only thing that would make me. I sound like a walking contradiction as i am so pro choice but for me morally it feels so wrong. My husband does have a job now a s has bee in it for the last 5 weeks. The pay isnt great but he is happy which is good coz he also suffers with stress depression. Another thing a baby could trigger. My appointment the other day they couldnt see it on the scan. My initial reaction was thank god. Like the weight lifted. Till i had a positive pregnancy test and internal scan. Im booked for Saturday so time is running out. I sway from hot to cold like the wind and worry i haven't had a set decision for longer than 5 mins. Sorry to ramble. But that's where im at right now xxx wishing you all the best lostalldirection thank u for sharing xxxxx

amethystshimmer Mon 18-Jun-18 12:24:49

Gosh, what a situation for you. Huge hugs for you.
Kindly, it doesn't sound to me like another child is going to be good for any of you involved - you, your (ex) husband, your existing children.

I had to make a decision like you back in Jan. I could and can tell you about my situation and circumstances if you want but this is about you and I can go on a bit when I start to talk about it.

Ultimately for me I felt I had to prioritise my living children above anything else. Above me, above my unborn, above my husband. I will do anything to protect those children and to give them the best I can. Having another child would have taken too much of me - my time, my emotions, my finances, away from them. It was an 'easy' decision to rationalise. It was the toughest decision to commit to and follow through on. I broke my heart that day. I still think every week or so where I'd be now (due fairly soon) and it's sad for sure. But it was the right thing. I don't have the capacity for another child.
I've been fitted with a coil to ensure it cannot happen again. We had a contraception failure. That has taken a few months to settle and my sex life definately took a dive as I'm scared it will happen again. But slowly things are starting to improve.

Noone can make the decision except you, neither path is easy, but you have to decide which one you can live with easiest. I couldn't bring myself to have a child fearing that I might resent him/her for damaging my relationship with my existing two.

February19 Mon 18-Jun-18 16:05:34

Hi, i'm 5wks 2 days, i found out 6 days ago i was pregnant, totally unplanned. I 100% know how you feel, I am in turmoil at the moment. I'm 38, work full time, i already have 2 boys, 11 and 13, both just independant, taking themselves to school and can feed themselves ect, i finally have a social life and can go out whenever i want. I am in a very stable loving relationship for 2 years, (not their dad but they get on amazing) he has no children and i know he would be so happy if i told him i was pregnant. But do i want to start all over again at 38 ? It scares me so much i cant think straight. I enjoy my life just how it is, but also think how wonderful it would be to go through this with my amazing boyfriend, if i have an abortion i could never tell him. I hate that i have to make this decision.

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