Surgical abortion

[Busymummy50]

I posted previously regarding my situation. Age 39, same partner since I was 16. Have 2 kids age 10 and 6. Had issues getting pregnant both times, polycystic ovaries and one fallopian tube. So the last few years decided to stop the pill and use condoms.

Fell pregnant accidentally after years of no problems with condoms. Shocked at first and while partner made a list of pros and cons and cons was massively longer, I kind of defended against the cons read out to me. (He doesn't agree with abortions but suddenly finding that logically it might be for the best). The next few days have been a rollercoaster of a time emotionally but I kind of knew deep down what to do.

Our 2 kids suffer from anxiety and eldest may have aspergers and life at home is difficult as he shouts and throws quite a few tantrums. Our youngest suffer as he teases her a lot.

So I decided on a surgical procedure, just under 7 weeks. Turned up and got the date wrong (long story But in short I told the nurse I wanted asap and she said how about Friday and while I was thinking she said oh we have Tuesday so I assumed she meant the Tuesday before not after).

Last night I was in bits. I couldn't breather properly, couldn't eat and just kept crying. I was so scared of the procedure... read stories of things going wrong... while I waited for the nurse to see if they could fit me in (they couldn't and I am now booked with another clinic), I thought is this a sign to keep this baby? But I am not feeling what i felt with my 1st 2. Me and my partner spoke in depth and he said it sounds like I've closed the door on that chapter now (babies) and enjoying th next chapter (slightly grown up kids) and when I walk past baby clothes in the shop, I didn't feel "awwww" I didn't feel looking forward to being a mum again.

I feel so rotten for feeling this way. I feel so guilty that I can make this work if I wanted to but it'll be very hard. I kind of feel like I am giving up on this one for my other 2 kids when they don't even know and I know they would love another sibling, just that I don't cope well now with the 2 let alone a baby who will require lots of attention for at least another 4 years and by then my youngest now will be 10 nearly 11 and eldest will be 17! Just feels like starting all over again....

I'm too scared also to keep the baby as I didn't take folic acid and I drank alcohol everyday until I found out and other medication I shouldn't be taking. So I may have damaged the baby and how will it affect my family if the baby was not healthy? I wouldn't cope. I'm too scared to wait until 20 week scan or birth to find out. The risk seems too big when I'm happy with my family the way things are.

I'm worried about regretting afterwards. And I'm worried of the surgical procedure.

Please tell me if it's normal to feel like this, i.e made up mind but keep worrying and thinking maybe we could keep it but hearts not in it to be an older mum and please anyone shed some light on the procedure? I'm petrified and I think I keep thinking if I should keep the baby because I'm scared of the procedure!

[Sunshineworshipper]

Really feel for you dear. I've answered on one of your other posts. X

[nineteenninetyseven]

I think you need to give yourself time away from everything and really think about what YOU want, don't think about anyone else. It seems like this has really taken it's toll on you and whatever decision you make needs to be the right one. Wishing you all the best.