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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

Abortion or not...

(101 Posts)
Busymummy50 Mon 23-Apr-18 14:17:14

I'm 39, already have a 10 and 6 year old.

I have had a fallopian tube removed and have polycystic ovaries so I don't have a regular cycle. Also it took so so long to conceive my 2 kids that I thought there was no way I would get pregnant so stopped using the pill and went onto just condoms, this was a few years back.

To my shock a few days ago I did a pregnancy test and it was positive. So I repeated again in the morning and again positive. It will make me 6 weeks pregnant from the first day of my last period.

We are in the process of looking for a new house to move for better secondary schools for the eldest child. October we have to apply to a place so we have left it quite tight!!!

Both kids argue as siblings do and I find it a struggle at times with just 2 kids. I see my friends have babies and I don't miss it or feel broody. My eldest is short tempered and argumentative and very selfish. I am short tempered too and get frustrated daily with him. He suffers from anxiety as he chews his fingers while the youngest keeps saying she has tummy aches and not want to go school. She's had a blood test and scan to rule out any thing wrong and all came back fine so likely to be anxiety too.

I am now comfortable with 2 kids. Financially too it will make it less comfortable for the 4 of us and things will have to change in terms of lifestyle.

But the idea of a termination horrifies me. The fact my kids could have another sibling and I got rid of it horrifies me too and I've been crying ever since I've found out. But I also don't want to go through the whole birthing process again at my age. I don't feel I have the energy as I did 10 years ago and nor does my partner.

My partner feels we shouldn't keep it but he's supportive if I want to keep it. He's always been against abortions but now that we face this decision, he's being realistic about it even though he'd like to keep it. I'm a mother who is already struggling with 2 as the eldest is difficult to deal with. So another one with the sleepless nights, tantrums etc will make life so much harder. I know it doesn't last forever but I don't feel I have the energy to do it.

I don't know what to do!!!!

Has anyone else been in a similar situation and decided on a termination?

I'm really scared and I feel so bad even thinking of the idea of a termination... it's a life and it feels wrong

OdileDeCaray Mon 23-Apr-18 14:23:05

I'm anti abortion except for rape cases and physical or mental health problems so fully understand your reluctance.

What does your partner think, have you jointly discussed it? Is he supportive of you and your family now?

Purplerain101 Mon 23-Apr-18 14:25:09

I’ve had a termination and it wasn’t an easy decision to make but it was the best thing for me given my circumstances at the time. DM me if you want a chat at all

TheKurgan Mon 23-Apr-18 14:43:03

Have been in a similar situation and had a termination. I was desperately sad and wished more than anything not to be in that situation, making that decision (it was an inexplicable contraception failure), but did not have any doubt that it was the best thing to do to protect the family I already had, based on our situation. I don't regret the decision and am grateful that the option was available to me.

Having said that, I'm not saying for one minute that your decision should be the same as mine - only you know your own circumstances, and, given what you've said, you sound more doubtful than I was. Talking to a Marie Stopes (or similar) counsellor may help to clarify your thoughts. Best of luck.

SporkInTheToaster Mon 23-Apr-18 14:49:19

I would agree that speaking to a family planning/sexual health counselling service may help you make sense of your feelings. They won’t ‘persuade’ you either way but can help get your thoughts straight. All the best.

IHaveBrilloHair Mon 23-Apr-18 14:49:43

It's terribly hard to advise as it's such a personal choice, no one can ever feel what you are feeling.
I did terminate, it was right for me and my family, never had any regrets but I'm not you.
You have to make as sure as you can be that you will manage your decision either way.

sheddooropen Mon 23-Apr-18 14:52:38

If it's going to be a struggle to afford the new child and worsen the family life a lot then I would consider an abortion, it's not selfish to not what to go through that again but I would suggest researching a lot and don’t get pressured by anyone

formerbabe Mon 23-Apr-18 14:52:38

I'm anti abortion except for rape cases and physical or mental health problems so fully understand your reluctance

Your stance on abortion isn't really relevant is it?

What does your partner think, have you jointly discussed it? Is he supportive of you and your family now?

The op discussed this in her original post.

Honestly op, if I was in your situation, I'd probably terminate. However, it's your decision and no one can tell you what you should or shouldn't do.

Thurlow Mon 23-Apr-18 14:55:50

A termination can be a horrible thing to consider. I'm sorry you've found yourself in this situation. In a similar situation I did have an abortion, because it felt right for the entire family, so you certainly wouldn't be the first woman to do so. Keep talking to your partner and call BPAS or Marie Stopes fkr counselling x

Frosty66612 Mon 23-Apr-18 14:57:53

I’ve had an abortion with BPAS and they were great. It was upsetting and I probably would have gone through with the pregnancy if my life hadn’t been so shit at the time, but I honestly think it was the right thing for me to do and it wasn’t nearly as scary as a lot of stuff online makes it out to be

IHaveBrilloHair Mon 23-Apr-18 14:59:47

Mine was because it would make the family situation worse, which was difficult anyway.
I was sterilised the following year, which is now 10yrs ago.

I think you need counselling, talk everything through, and no matter what your decision, see if there's anymore help for your family.

Ginger1982 Mon 23-Apr-18 15:06:18

Oriole, did you read the OP's post or just see the word 'abortion' and jump in with your views?

It has to be your decision OP.

Ginger1982 Mon 23-Apr-18 15:06:39

Odile even!

Crunchymum Mon 23-Apr-18 15:20:49

I didn't terminate my unplanned 3rd pregnancy. To be honest I ruled out abortion almost immediately for myself (I'm pro-choice)

My baby has a very rare genetic condition (not life limiting and something not tested for in pregnacy).

So as well as an unplanned baby, we also have a life-changing diagnosis for us all.

I have no regrets about my decision, but if you are already ambivalent about it all you may need to ask some blunt questions. Like how would you cope with an additional needs baby? How would another baby (NT or not) effect your other kids?

There is no one size fits all answer.

I'd suggest contacting Marie Stopes and seeing if there is some counselling open to you?

Giovanna75 Mon 23-Apr-18 15:33:39

Poor you OP, you sound so conflicted. I found myself pregnant at a similar age with kids around the same age as yours. It was a big shock esp as we were not expecting any further additions to our family. I went on to have our youngest and she has been a joy & a gift to us all. It was strange going back to the sleepless nights but it’s amazing how you just spring back into the zone. My energy levels were exactly the same as they were in my late 20’s so no difference there. We borrowed a lot of baby stuff as we knew there was no point in buying anything new so no extra outlay in that sense. My eldest child has been brilliant with her and even though she is going through her teen years it really hasn’t been bad. Yes she drive me demented sometimes but what teen doesn’t. I’ve found that our youngest has diffused many a cranky mood over the years. My middle child found the adjustment a little bit harder but I think that’s more about his personality than anything else. If I could think of any negatives it would be that our youngest thinks she is also a teen & sometimes I’m a bit hmm at the things she says. They listen to everything ! I wondered how I would spread myself out to all of them at important times of their lives but I needn’t have worried. It all just worked out fine. Only you know what’s going to happen but don’t let the negatives put you off. Sometimes it’s fear that stops us from listening to our hearts. Good luck flowers

MaiaRindell Mon 23-Apr-18 15:39:40

OdileDeCaray I'm always surprised people have views on abortion since I believe the only person entitled to that is the person going it through it themselves.
OP Good luck. It's such a hard decision to make.

SparkleBuns Mon 23-Apr-18 15:49:32

I had an abortion at 8 weeks years ago. It was a hard decision and I still think of it sadly every so often, HOWEVER it was the right decision for me at the time.

At the moment it is a number of cells with no idea of what or who it is. If you don't feel confident you can give it a good life and it would negatively effect your current family abortion may be the right choice.

It's 100% your decision. flowers take your time and imagine both ways and see what feels right

moofolk Mon 23-Apr-18 15:52:21

It is a hard decision and ultimately yours to make and yours alone.
I have three children and decided to terminate when I became pregnant again accidentally. I was trying fertility awareness as contraception I would not advise it!

Anyway, I grieved for the life I would have had to have been living in order to welcome a baby (I could contemplate having another baby if we lived in a big house, had lots more money, and I could afford to not work and stay at home and breastfeed for years, make up for everything I didn't do as perfectly as possible before - ie a complete fantasy).

I had a surgical abortion at a Marie Stopes clinic. It was quick and no fuss and all the staff were wonderful.

I marked on the calendar an approximate due date and decided on that day to celebrate my family as it is, which is hectic and beautiful. Hormonally and emotionally it was difficult but I have not once regretted my decision. It would not have been fair on my existing kids or on a new baby.

Obviously if you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy all will seem inevitable in the end and you will cope. Good luck with your tough choice. thanksthanks

Changebagsandgladrags Mon 23-Apr-18 15:58:29

It's a difficult one. You don't really know how it will affect the family until the baby actually arrives, which is then too late.

I've had a termination and whilst I'm OK now and it was the right decision for me at the time, I suffered quite badly. It took me at least 18 months to revover mentally.

Other people get over it fine and move on. I struggled to do that.

You have to do what's right for you and your family. If you really don't think you can cope with a third then don't.

IHaveBrilloHair Mon 23-Apr-18 16:52:58

I'm not sure anyone completely gets over it, the difference is that one is a, 'what if', and the other is a person, actually there and forever.
I knew I couldn't do the latter.
Maybe you can.

Busymummy50 Mon 23-Apr-18 19:39:27

Thank you all for your kind messages and letting me know your experiences. I know so people are against abortions and I respect that and totally understand why.

Me and my partner had a temporary split when I fell pregnant with my second child so situation was not ideal back then but I knew I wanted to keep her, I wanted my son to have a sibling despite the potential that I could've been a single mum.

Now fast forward 6 years and I felt so shocked and upset at discovering I'm pregnant. I didn't feel happy at all. I am against abortions myself and never would I have believed that I would now be considering doing that!!!!

I think my initial reaction and the fact I am still unhappy and wishing this isn't really happening maybe is yelling me I shouldn't have this one. But I'm scared if the 'what I'd and I'm scared I might regret and I'm scared I will forever look at my kids knowing they could've had another sibling and I took that away from them.

My youngest now is lovely. She's caring and understanding and she's really mature for her age at 6. My 10 year old on the other hand I suspect has mild aspergers and it might not be enough to get a diagnosis but he's extremely selfish and shouts and gets frustrated at not getting his way. At home it could be great one minute and he might switch over something so small e.g like tonight he didn't want to eat spaghetti but he was starving so he whined and whined.... he has slight sensory processing issues and socially isn't that great although he gets on with people. Because of the way my eldest is, I find myself sometimes shouting back at him or getting extremely frustrated as he pushes boundaries and can speak to me really rudely. Dad works long hours but he dies help whenever he can but he works 7 days a week! So home is left to just me. He is also so into comouter games (my son) that we often struggle to get him off....

I spoke to my mum today and I thought she would say to keep it as she is against abortions but even she thinks it would be too much for me as she's seen the struggles I've had with my son. She said if both my kids were well behaved and I was a calm mother then she would say keep it.... This is also what my partner thinks, he also is absolutely against abortion and even last time round when we had split up and found out I was pregnant he didn't consider abortion.

I am a very emotional person who has made other mistakes in life and I've found at times those mistakes hard to live with and I just don't know how I would cope with deciding to abort... I thought I'd be fine until I called Marie stoped today and it all sunk in and I burst out crying at the thought of terminating this life sad

Does it get easier to make this decision after speaking more to people and having just a few extra days to think?

Has anyone decided to abort and backed out last minute?

Has anyone made the decision to keep the baby and wish they didnt?

Treesybreezy Mon 23-Apr-18 20:28:01

I've recently had my third child, and for many reasons it is hard, hard, hard. He was unplanned as well. I have managed to book a sterilisation on the NHS in a few weeks time because I cannot do more than I am, and I'm only just coping because he's a very pleasant baby. If I get pregnant again I would have to abort (I liked what a pp said about grieving for not having the perfect life that would enable the pregnancy and what comes after, it kinda feels a bit like how I feel about the sterilisation).
I have seen advice on how to help with difficult decisions - basically (in this case) imagine you started miscarrying naturally. Would you be devastated or relieved (doesn't have to be 100% one way or the other, just gives you an indication of your true feelings). Then go to sleep and revisit how you feel. If it's still the same you have your answer.
Best of luck whatever you decide. It's okay not to find either option easy too.

AvoidingDM Mon 23-Apr-18 20:43:34

Go and speak with a councillor.

Totally totally different circumstances, the other side of the same coin. I was doubting my next move but speaking with a councillor was the best thing I did.
Non judgmental, asked me questions that brought me to the right decision for me.

Busymummy50 Mon 23-Apr-18 20:43:50

Tressybreezy: The answer to the question is, it has been going through my mind I wish I could naturally miscarry and the decision is then taken out of our hands. It's such a bad thought sad

Treesybreezy Mon 23-Apr-18 21:10:27

It's not a bad thought. You are not a bad person, you are not a bad mother.

Either decision will be difficult. The thought exercise is mainly to work out which will carry the least amount of regret long term.

Lots of life is a mix of positive and negative. It's not wrong to make a decision to protect what you have already. (It's also not wrong to believe you can overcome or avoid any risks in bringing in change). You get one life, everyone has different ways of making the best of it. You can only do what's right for you, not someone else or even a more perfect version of you.

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