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Five months post termination/antenatal depression experience, seeking comfort

(6 Posts)
Lts61886 Thu 05-Apr-18 23:26:55

I found an old thread with a story similar to mine and instead of posting on it I decided to start a new thread. I have never registered for a site like this before, but I don’t know anyone in my area who has gone through something similar so felt it would help. Here is my story:
I am 31 and work as a nurse. I was in a relationship with a man for four years who is still a dear friend to me, tho he is a drinker and doesn’t want kids and after a long time I decided it would be best for us to both move on yet remain friends. Immediately after that (not proud of this but it all happened so fast and feelings were strong etc etc) I became closer to a friend who reached out to me and helped me through the break up. I think we got excited because it seemed we wanted similar things in life and maybe some day a family, as well as truly enjoying eachothers company. Well, despite birth control methods we became pregnant one of the first times we had sex, not long after my previous relationship ended. At first I was excited, but then the reality of the situation set in. I began grieving for my old relationship, scared and not trusting of a new one with someone I had barely time to really know, and then pregnancy hormones hit full force with very strong depression, anxiety, regret and resentment. I felt angry at my new boyfriend who got me pregnant, at my baby, at myself, at anyone who thought I should continue. I felt very alone and confused, and scared to bring a baby into any of this. Also made the mistake of talking to my ex for comfort, who I’ve always trusted the advice of, and his was to consider that I may not be healthy enough or ready for this. My boyfriend I got pregnant with wanted the baby but as he saw my emotions become more out of control, he began to wonder if maybe termination would be the best plan. Once I got it in my head, it seemed like the only way out of the torment I felt. I have always loved the idea of pregnancy and children yet felt so sick and disconnected to the life inside me, and negative thoughts and fears took over, I can see that looking back now. So I decided to do it and booked the appointment at 12 weeks (I took a lot of time tothink, went back and forth a lot, so confused depressed and emotional). I actually started feeling better finally a few days before the appointment, made the mistake of reaching out to my mother who advised that I made this choice and I should probably stick to it. Looking back I see I was so, so vulnerable to any little bit of doubt or guidance against having the baby. So I went through with it and now five months later I am left with a clearer mind and a lot of heavy sorrow and regret. I wish I had made the other choice, I know I could have done it and feel pain around those who weren’t supportive. I have learned a lot which I’m grateful for and have been in counseling intensively ever since, but nothing can fix this regret. I’m posting bc I wanted a Chance to write out my story, and hear from anyone whose gone through something similar. Thank you very much for reading such a long post and please try to be kind in the comments, nobody could possibly be as hard on me as I have already been on myself, and I simply feared bringing a child into emotional chaos and potential pain. I am hoping for healing.

Papplewapplewoo Thu 05-Apr-18 23:33:55

HI love
This is almost identical to my experience.
Have you had counselling/ mh support?
My local hospital is incredible so I have an anti natal psychiatry review every so often and will have a mh nurse from the minute I try to conceive until baby is 2.
All my problems like you stemmed from the vulnerability and confusion of an unplanned pg
You will be ok x

Lts61886 Fri 06-Apr-18 01:23:06

I am in tears reading your response, I cannot thank you enough for your words. It’s the first time I have spoken with somebody that’s been through a similar experience. I am in the USA, not the best as far as mental health support here however I was so lucky to find a very gifted counseler who I see once or twice a week, and has been helping me identify the patterns and emotions that brought me to this place with compassion so that I can move forward. The awareness, although a painful lesson, has been very valuable and we are mostly working on self love, CBT, and parts work therapy which I have found very beneficial. I see now that there was a part of me that very much wanted the pregnancy and a part of me that wasn’t ready and both now need love and attention. If there is a next time I feel I will be so ready for the journey. Thank you again for your kind response. ❤️

Helpme101 Mon 21-May-18 14:44:16

I am so confused I don't know what to do

Lts61886 Mon 21-May-18 16:03:52

What is it? I still follow this thread smile

ruley Sat 15-Dec-18 14:27:33

I know this is an old thread but if you are still using this website OP, I just wanted to let you know that you weren't and you are not alone. I went through the same thing. A really unexpected pregnancy at 17, all of my family and my partner pushed me to have a termination and then turned on me once it was over. I felt so alone and since have learned a lot about myself. I also have 2 darling babies since and they are wonderful. May your time come and you have the most beautiful journey yourself, thinking of you. Thank you for sharing your story.

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