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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

10 days post surgical abortion mental meltdown

(8 Posts)
Sunshineworshipper Mon 26-Feb-18 14:29:00

Hi everyone, sorry this is a long one. I'm 30 and no kids (but I like mumsnetsmile). I found out about 9 weeks ago I was pregnant. It was a big shock to me and my partner and I literally became pregnant at the drop of a hat (makes me feel guilty when I see all the people struggling to get P).
I have autoimmune disease and I don't have a thyroid, I have struggled with my health the past few years (had multiple surgeries) and have been unable to work.

Initially when I found out I was pregnant I was over the moon. I have been envious of all my friends having babies, I love kids and have longed for my own. Despite not working and my health I thought this is a turning point for me and it could be possible I will cope and it can change my life. My partner was thrilled aswell.

I went to the gp got my bloods done and got the phonecall at about 6 weeks to say I was severely hypothyroid and my inflammatory markers were up. I did feel very unwell. I then spoke to my doc and did some research and realised being so hypothyroid in first trimester was dangerous and could cause a lot of problems that couldn't be detected. Such as mental retardation, low iq etc. The nice guidelines even state if hypothyroid postpone conception.
After telling my partner and my family etc about this the thrill of pregnancy had totally changed.
I made the decision I could not continue with the pregnancy as I couldn't bare the thought of something going wrong. I based it on the medical reason solely. I was advised the surgical abortion would be best for me health wise as I have bladder and bowel problems and already had a catheter in place. So I agreed. They couldn't get me in for 3 weeks. sad so I had to wait.

Those 3 weeks were torture for me. Even though I knew I wasn't keeping the baby I was still taking prenatal vitamins and avoiding various things. I felt my personality changed and I became very unmaternal and didn't even want to be near my friends kids or babies. I started to feel like I hated kids and didnt ever want any (I hate admitting that). I started creating weird obstacles in my head that id never thought of before, im normally very positive ...like my parents dont really like my partner, financially it wouldn't be great, I wasn't at target weight yet, I wasn't working, everyone will judge me for being another statistic having a baby on benefits.

Those 3 weeks were very tough and I even saw an obs specialist who said to me I wouldn't tell u to terminate based on your hypothyroidism I'd tell u to get it under control asap.

Anyway, I was determined. I even felt like I disliked the baby confused which makes me feel nuts now. So I went ahead and had the surgery last week, experienced complications afterwards with my heart and infection and ended up in hosp the past week.

Wow now I feel "normal" again and obvs the hormones have gone. I feel absolutely guilty as sin for how I felt during my pregnancy, I felt like I utterly rejected that baby and made excuses to terminate. I got an ultrasound this week and my womb was empty and I was inconsolable for about an hour afterwards. Well it wasn't entirely empty it had a coil in it as I was recommended/forced to have one by the surgeon as obs I've cost the nhs money due to having unprotected sex.

I'm now starting to think it was the hormones that did that to me. I feel so sad and now when I see babies I can't stop crying and feel like I want one and want mine back again. I feel so SO guilty.
I feel quite angry at my parents saying do u really think u want a baby with him? (As that influenced me a lot too).

Ultimately I know it wasn't the right time but now I feel all over the place. My partner has been upset too. I feel like I miss the baby inside me. I have never felt so unstable and trainwrecky.

Is this normal and has anyone else experienced this?

So sorry for the long post.

Sunshineworshipper Mon 26-Feb-18 16:10:00

Struggling here sad

Luckyme30 Tue 27-Feb-18 21:57:40

I'm sorry to hear how you are feeling. I had a surgical termination nearly 2 weeks ago and wanted to reassure you that it is normal to have those feelings. Your hormones will be all over the place whilst they are adjusting back to 'normal'.

I had a melt down over the weekend and felt completely distraught with my decision, I still have bad days but I know I made the right decision for me.

I can relate to how you felt before the termination too as I had the same feelings, again I think down to hormones.

Be kind to yourself, it will take time to heal but I promise you will start to feel better soon.

Sending hugs xx

Sunshineworshipper Sun 18-Mar-18 19:30:58

@Luckyme30 thanks so much, I am just seeing this now as I didn't get a notification.
Sorry you felt the same way too. It's very hard but it's comforting to know I'm not the only one.
There's been a few complications straight after the surgery, then I ended up back in hosp with a uti, then back today with severe cramps. Coil removed, thank fully and possibly retained products of conception. Getting a scan tomorrow. Feel absolutely sick at the thought and just want this hell to be over.

Luckyme30 Sun 18-Mar-18 20:15:07

Sorry to hear you are suffering sad I am 5 weeks post procedure and it took me a good 3-4 weeks to fully recover.

I have everything crossed for you and hope the scan will be all clear. If not look after yourself.

LEMtheoriginal Sun 18-Mar-18 20:24:50

Oh love sad that was heart wrenching to read.

You really didn't have a choice so you pit emotional barriers up to protect yourself. So you could do what you needed to do.

I feel that you lost your baby rather than had a termination. Now you must allow yourself to feel the grief because even the guilt you are feeling seems to be a barrier to feeling grief. Does that make any sense?

Can you get some counselling?

Sunshineworshipper Sun 18-Mar-18 20:37:13

@Luckyme30 thank you so much. I am definitely all over the place. You take care too, these are hard times. X

@LEMtheoriginal I literally just burst into tears reading your response. To be honest I don't think anyone has summed that up so correctly. I feel like I lost my baby rather than terminated. I know I could have gone ahead and possibly things could have been fine. But I think forever I'd be a wreck worrying I'd done something to cause illness or problems for my baby. I'd rather give my child 100% the best start that way if something did happen I did my best. It's been very hard. Thank you so much. I think if another few weeks I haven't felt better I will seek counselling. Thanks so much for your response x

LEMtheoriginal Sun 18-Mar-18 20:47:12

Be kind to yourself flowers

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