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Waiting a year when you are in your mid/late 30s...

(19 Posts)
loststarling Sat 10-Feb-18 15:16:58

Hi all. First post, so please forgive any missteps!

I'm 36, partner 41. Been together a year. He has kids, I don't.

I have never been passionate to have them before, but now that I spend a lot of time with him and his, and am getting older, I really feel that I would like to add one of our own to the family. He has been back and forth on the issue (keen when drunk and sentimental - much more cagey sober!)

We've talked a lot recently and he says he wants to wait a year - but without guaranteeing that he will definitely want to do it. In a year I will be 37 going on 38, so if he says no in a year, that is probably it for me.

I can see his point that a year is not very long for us to have been together - but we are not that young - and it feels like a VERY long time to be sitting on the question of whether one is going to have children or even able to. His other kids happily accept me, so it's not about that.

Anyone been through anything like this - or can share some honest thoughts on what it is like to be a step-parent without any of your own? I imagine it would feel quite sad and difficult at times, for me.

Sunshineworshipper Mon 26-Feb-18 15:17:42

@loststarling I'm surprised nobody has responded to you yet.
I think in your 30s/40s relationships do go a lot faster and you tend to know what you want very soon in.
I think if you want kids and he doesn't, this could be difficult on you as you may resent him. Especially as he has kids too. I think the best thing you can do is talk to him about it.
Did he have problems after he split from his ex? Was there issues with the kids or about access/custody etc? I know this can put a lot of men off if there have been such issues as they worry these things may happen again.
You ultimately need to talk to him about it all and tell him you want kids and if he doesn't then you will have to go.
A year won't make a difference unless her had doubts about something?

kirinm Mon 26-Feb-18 15:27:15

I'm 40 in March and am pregnant. I don't think it's all over when you're 37 or 38. I think your main issue is establishing if he really will consider a child in a year and if not, whether you would be happy to accept that.

darkesthour Mon 26-Feb-18 15:34:50

I started ttc with DH when I was 36 and and now I'm 40, we've just had a failed round of IVF (which we had to pay for as DH has dc). As you haven't had any dc, you don't really know what your fertility is like, and I'd recommend getting checks done before waiting any longer (although I don't have any explained reasons for my infertility and a good AMH level, so even that's not foolproof). Lots of women fall pregnant easily in their late 30s/early 40s but many don't, and there are often more complications/risks. OTOH being together with your DP for just a year is quite early on in the relationship so it's not ideal, but there's not much you can do about it if the biological clock is ticking.

SittingAround1 Mon 26-Feb-18 15:39:42

37/38 isn't too late to start but I think you'll need a definite yes from your partner before waiting a year. If he says no after a year will you still want to be with him? If children is something you want then you need assurance from him now or else you're wasting your time.

flumpybear Mon 26-Feb-18 15:43:54

I think I'd be suggesting waiting perhaps 6 mo the, but use the time to prepare by getting co trace prices out of your system, gain or lose a bit of weight if you're a bit heavy or thin, get fitter if necessary, start folic acid and pre-preg supplements
Good luck

dreamingalwaysdreaming Mon 26-Feb-18 15:46:22

yes, i might consider waiting a year, but only if there were concrete reasons for doing so (overpaying the mortgage, saving a whole lot of money, something materially changing). Waiting a year for him to see if he fancies it whilst he commits nothing just seems a bit crap.

I'm in my late 30s - i know myself pretty well, we've all had a lot of life experience, I do wonder what will magically change in a year if you're already living together.

dreamingalwaysdreaming Mon 26-Feb-18 15:47:57

this isn't the bloke who's a sports fanatic is it? There was a thread very like this a few weeks back, another 'let's wait a bit and i'll see how I feel'.

TBH, I'd have had limited tolerance for that when I was in my 20s, either you want more DC or you don't, surely? My DH and I are both pretty sure we're done.

ApplesTheHare Mon 26-Feb-18 15:51:35

I wouldn't wait at that age, especially not if there's a chance he could say no in a year. TTC could take a long time anyway, plus any fertility issues that uncovers or miscarriages will set you back. It's nice to think we have some control over when we have children but in reality that's not the case.

DailyMailFail101 Mon 26-Feb-18 15:54:48

A year is a long time and yes fertility decreases with age but if you want children you would need to find a new partner, get to know each other and then decide to have babies this might take over a year. I really don’t mean this how it sounds but I can’t think of a better way to put it.... you may as well hedge your bets with your current partner!

Dozer Mon 26-Feb-18 16:03:47

Very tricky for you, but in deciding on the relationship best assume he will not want more DC

dreamingalwaysdreaming Mon 26-Feb-18 16:09:12

is it worth saying you want children, and you'd consider being a single parent if he's happy to see how it goes?

What is his concern op, that the relationship won't work out? Well, it might not, none of us get a gold plated guarantee when we have kids. If it doesn't, then at least if he gave the DC a chance you'd have the child.

FancyNewBeesly Mon 26-Feb-18 16:13:43

If he says no in a year, what would you do? Stay with him and accept being childless, or try to find someone else who does want children? I think what you need to do now depends on the answer to that question. Personally I wouldn’t hang around waiting for him to make up his mind, but that’s just me. It takes people with no fertility issues up to a year to get pregnant as it is.

gussyfinknottle Mon 26-Feb-18 16:27:50

Had my first aged 41. Got pregnant within 5 weeks of "trying ". But, I would expect your partner to be more supportive of you.

KalaLaka Mon 26-Feb-18 16:32:33

Of course you can get pregnant easily in your late 30s, but you won't know if you have any fertility issues yet, so I wouldn't wait much longer. Plus the miscarriage rate is much higher, so getting pg is no guarantee of a baby. I'd have a serious chat and ask for the reasons behind the delay.

KalaLaka Mon 26-Feb-18 16:41:09

Of course you can
This should read as: of course it's possible.

loststarling Thu 01-Mar-18 16:15:29

Thanks everyone for your responses. Really appreciate your thoughts.

@Sunshineworshipper he didn't have major custody issues or similar with ex, but it obviously wasn't nice to split, and I think he is wary of going through it again. He's definitely come around to the idea of us having a child, but still wants us to have been together 2 years. I agree with you though - how is a year going to make a difference if he's as committed to the relationship as he says he is?

@darkesthour It is soon, but yeah, not much time to play with. I don't know anything about fertility checks and how they work. Does anyone have experience of this?
Fingers crossed for you as well...

@dreamingalwaysdreaming to be fair to him, we don't live together yet (but are around the corner from each other). I'm reluctant to live with him and his kids unless we are actively ttc. Yep I've thought about saying that I'd take the child by myself if it doesn't work out - but that's not something to enter into lightly.

@FancyNewBeesly he knows there's a good chance I'd leave if he let me down on this after making me wait. He has said 'yes, but next year' now which is slightly better, but as said above - the wait seems a bit pointless. I've said I will insist on re-discussing it every time I have to renew my contraception as I am the one having to organise it, when I don't even want to take it.

I feel like fertility testing would be something for me to do until then that will reassure me, but a little bit scared of the outcome too. I can't really bear the idea of bringing up someone else's kids if it's a no. Pretty hard to find a life partner who has none and wants none, though. sad

Sunshineworshipper Thu 01-Mar-18 16:20:45

@loststarling I totally agree. Actually waiting a year or two could be detrimental to you as we aren't guaranteed our fertility forever. Yes Emmerdale and celeb land are showing us women are having their first in their 40s but it's not a guarantee. Good luck and I really hope he comes around.

boboismylove Sat 17-Mar-18 09:43:47

After 35 fertility takes a big drop, from the stats, it really does get much harder, and the risks get higher. Is your partner fully aware of this? Maybe you can get a check up or fertility test or something to get a better idea.

But if you def want/ have always wanted a kid, and would be prepared to bring it up alone, I wouldn't wait personally - I've heard so many heart breaking stories.

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