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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

Pregnant uni student. Scared, dont know what to do.

(11 Posts)
ScarletRoses Wed 07-Feb-18 14:39:25

I found out yesterday that I am pregnant, when I thought it was just a missed period from stress. I am 7 weeks. 7 whole damn weeks!!!
I've barricaded myself in my uni flat, haven't gone to lectures, I just dont want to. I feel sick as in emotionally tbh because everything is spinning in my head so i want to come onto here and spill everything out.

1. I told the father (my ex) who is over the moon (he is much older than me, so this is perfect timing for him, and he has always wanted children). He is coming to see me on Thursday to talk about thinga and already sent money for me to get some food + whatever I need. So that's good. I will probably move out with him I go forwards with this.

2. Unfortunately, because I had no idea I was pregnant I've been smoking an drinking like a pirate for the past 5 weeks. I wont be able to forgive myself if I have done damage to the child, thats the scariest part.

1. My family will not be happy, and they will make me very aware of this from the beginning. After another family member became a single mum at a young age, I was not told to 'be a good girl at uni' anymore, I was told to 'dont end up like your aunt and stay away from boys'. I had never heard my family use words like those on anyone that they used on her when she told them she was pregnant, and now i'm next. Yes, the baby is now welcomed in but there is still chat behind her everyday about her being a bright girl, how far she could have gone in life if she wasn't stupid enough to have a baby, how she hast given her child a good start in life.

2. I feel like if I really love my mum then I will have a termination and respect her and her sanity or she will go crazy and breakdown like she did when I told her that I was not religious. I have just repaired my relationship with my family and now I feel like I will destroy it again. This is really against our family ethics and I have always been the 'stubborn one' but this will be the final straw.
We have those gossipy type families and I know after having two single mums in her family, my mum+my family will be so embarrassed by me and this child that we will not be met with many positive vibes and this hurts more than anything else right now. I love my mum and she ha warned me every single day to focus on uni and to be good and now I feel like I have betrayed that completely.

3. I've already began to have friends abandon me. One has said it is too much to handle and we shouldn't speak anymore until either I get a termination or until they are ready. They feel like I trapped them into my pregnancy, its too much, and I feel guilty like I am putting baggage on my friend, so we have stopped talking since yesterday.
My other friend is being very kind and supportive, but has told me truthfully that we're young and want to have fun, and that maybe I should have an abortion so everything can go back to normal and everything will be fine, just like how it was before I found out, he said. I've always been lonely and now I am realising that most 'smart' young people dont associate with young mums, so that hurts too.

4. In terms of myself, I am just recovering from really bad mental health (anxiety, disordered eating, and bad self-esteem). I had just got my life together in the past 3 months, things are bright and happy where before it was a mess. I've just started working on a summer body and planning new things to do because honestly, I feel like 'I dont have a strong sense of identity yet, my future is uncertain, and it will be selfish to be a mother when I myself am just getting the hang of being there for myself.
I haven't had time to enjoy life on my own without sadness but now my life will come to a halt when I haven't really built it to where I was hoping it would be yet. I want to keep this child but I'm scared of losing my personal identity like mothers tend to do.
I have so many goals and dreams that I am ready to achieve an wanting to achieve an I don't know if I can pursue them now, if my whole being will gravitate around somebody else now.

I feel like a dumb stupid teen chav who's irresponsible and wont be a good mum, I have had pregnancy scares before and that should have taught me a lesson but it didn't.
My ex keeps telling me I'm being way too hard on myself and focusing on the negatives, that I can do this and I will be a great mum, reminded me of my impeccable grades in uni etc. and I know, but the circumstances around it are making me feel like I must get an abortion or I will have a very miserable pregnancy and rest of my life.,

I really want this to work but I'm scared shitless and not very optimistic.
I wish I could shut off the whole world and let it just be me and my little jelly bean but that's not reality.

Sixcatsandcounting Thu 08-Feb-18 17:51:41

Hi,

I’m so sorry that you feel like this and you’re in this position. I have just finished uni so I know what uni life is like etc and how hard it can be to face things if your mental health isn’t great. If you really want to keep the baby and move on with your ex then do it.

As hard as it will be for you and your family, they will come around to it and they need to learn to respect to as a person. Getting pregnant young is hardly the worst thing in the world - there are plenty of people who have had children young and gone on to be successful and have career etc.

Maybe go to the doctor and talk through your options and see if that helps you any. Also the fact you have drank isn’t really too bad I don’t think. People drink and do drugs etc through pregnancy and still have perfectly healthy pregnancies. If you are going to keep the baby, however, you do need to stop doing that.

You can resume studies etc once your baby is in nursery and you will get grants etc whilst in uni for having a child. I’m sure your ex is willing to help out all he can and be there for you and baby. Maybe ask him to come to the doctors with you and come and speak to your family with you if you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy.

I do not think mothers lose their sense of identity etc at all. I know many young mothers who still have hobbies, goals and interests and having a baby has just added something extra to their life.

I think talking with a counsellor (most unis have somebody for this) would really help.

I hope that you start to feel a bit better about this and that you make the decision that is right for you. I wish you all the best xxx

Sixcatsandcounting Thu 08-Feb-18 17:53:42

Also, I think if your friends and family walk away that really is their loss. I think the way your “friends” have treated you is disgusting - they aren’t real friends if they would treat you like this when you are clearly going through a hard time so cut your losses now and forget about them. You can’t surround yourself with people like that if you go through with your pregnancy. At the end of the day, your family are your family and if they love you they will support you no matter what your decision. Don’t feel you have to do something you may regret in the future because of pressure from your family to do well at uni.

questabellatreetop Sat 10-Feb-18 18:40:10

I was a teen mum, I became pregnant at 18 during my A-Levels and had my son half way through my first year of uni. In all honesty it was hell, so incredibly lonely and I was more exhausted than I could possibly have imagined, I had no money, no friends, no support. It sounds as though your boyfriend is a decent guy and far more supportive than mine was. I understand how you feel about feeling as though you've let your parents down, my dad didn't speak to me for three years after I had my DS and my Mum tried to conceal her shame and was subtly cruel to me. My parents reaction left me scarred for years, it's only now that I can see that they don't matter, you shouldn't have to take their feelings about this into consideration, if they're good parents they will be there for you and support you no matter what THIS ISN'T ABOUT THEM!
I couldn't finish my degree and I felt a failure for years. All this sounds very negative BUT I am now in my 30's, have a lovely teenage DS as well as one more DC, am married to a lovely man, we are very well off and have a good life. I can't say I regret my decision to keep my DS as I love him to pieces but it was no easy ride and if one of my children were in the same position I would advise them not to go ahead. My heart goes out to you xxx

HidCat Sat 10-Feb-18 18:56:01

I haven't been through this myself but I knew two people in Uni who got pregnant Mid study so thought I'd share. One had her baby during her 2nd year and was able to defer her remaining studies for 12 months. She finished the course though it was hard work. Her boyfriends family were devout Muslim so it came as a shock to them but ultimately they supported the decision to keep the baby.
Another was the father, his girlfriend got pregnant in their third year and had the baby a few months before the end of her studies. Again, I believe she deferred her remaining modules whilst he finished up as planned.
Ultimately it will be difficult but with a supportive Dad around I'm sure you would be fine. Speak to your Uni to see what your options are there and see what you feel you would like to do before telling your family. If you know what you want, you can set your family straight from the start. If they choose to belittle you for being strong enough to keep the baby then that's their problem. Likewise if you chose to terminate and they held that against you.
All the best for whatever you decide. Xx

foxmuldersufo Sat 10-Feb-18 18:57:46

Have an abortion if you really want to but only if you want to. Not for your family or anyone else.
Is there cultural ties here?

SarahBeeney Mon 12-Feb-18 00:38:43

If you're going to keep the baby then I would advise not telling your parents for as long as physically possible. You need to get your head round it,and like a PP has said maybe have some counselling?
Best of luck thanks

Onceuponatimethen Mon 12-Feb-18 00:51:02

Op I’m starting off by sending you a big virtual hug. This must be a huge shock and I think you are handling this so much more maturely than I would have done at your age flowers

Any choice here is the right one if it’s right for YOU. If you want to have a termination because you don’t feel ready to have a baby then that is absolutely fine and a totally reasonable choice.

If you decide you want to go ahead and have the baby then that is your choice and anyone who doesn’t support you it says more about them than you.

I think you need real life support and I would suggest both going to speak to your GP ASAP and going to the university counselling service.

Try not to worry about the drinking and smoking. You can raise this when you see the GP but until 7 weeks my understanding is the baby doesn’t receive nutrients from the placenta and umbilical cord but is sustained by the egg it developed from. So drinking before 7 weeks is much less serious than drinking after that as far as I know.

ScarletRoses Fri 16-Feb-18 01:48:13

Thank you to everybody who has replied, I really feel so happy reading other stories and thoughts, its helped a lot.

I am still undecided, and feel overwhelmed still. I've made more of an effort with my diet and quit smoking. I'll give this decision more time.

funkyfunky Fri 16-Feb-18 02:17:50

Which year of uni are you in, and why did you and your ex break up? You mentioned moving in with him, please remember that you don't want to become trapped in a relationship you don't really want, child or no child.

AltheaorDonna Fri 16-Feb-18 02:34:09

Stuff what everyone else wants or thinks. What do you want? That's all that matters. If you feel this isn't the right time for a baby, have an abortion. If you are ready to have a child on your own, do it. Why would you move in with an ex? Don't count on him being around, he might be, he might not. It doesn't matter what your mum thinks. And have a close look at your friends, they don't sound very nice. The only thing that matters is do you want this baby, or not? If I was you I'd take a week to think about it, then make a decision.

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