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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

Have my first appointment to discuss Medical or Surgical Abortion. Feel so lonely even though I'm confident about my decision to terminate

(14 Posts)
Lizzygirl Mon 05-Feb-18 22:07:36

Hello. I wondered if I might find some support on here as I'm expecting to go through with an abortion this week or next. I am 41 and can't believe I'm in this situation. I have 2 wonderful DC aged 13 and 11 but I have pretty much raised them by myself from babies as I got divorced when my youngest was 9 months. My ex has always been involved but is arrogant and smug but I've kept things amicable all these years even though he left me when I was still breastfeeding my 2nd without any real explanation. Fast forward about 8 or 9 years and I met my lovely soulmate who is a dad of 1 DD now aged 9. We married last summer in a small ceremony with a few friends but without my family (long story but I was brought up just my my mum, have been tracing info about my birth dad and long lost sibs this past year and my mum has always struggled with me a bit as I was born 6 weeks after my dad's unexpected death). Anyway, even though we married, for sake of kids we still live separately about 1 hr from each other and have a good arrangement where we spend Thursday nights and Fridays together and alternate weekends. We do some joint hols but I also do a lot with my kids just the 3 of us as we always have. Anyway, I found out I was pregnant last week after missing a period and feeling sick. I now feel resolved in my decision (DH supportive) but as I live alone I feel very lost and sad for my DC. I don't have many people to confide in. I did mention to 2 friends I'm due to meet next week but they weren't very supportive. Said they were sorry and then nothing. I hate struggling with a new job I've just started with the pretence of it all. I was so happy during my 2 other pregnancies, this feels so strange. I almost feel angry and just want it all to be over. Kind words and hugs appreciated.

NameChangeCuddleBums Mon 05-Feb-18 22:15:07

flowersbrew

DancingLedge Mon 05-Feb-18 22:16:44

(((((hug))))))

Mum2jenny Mon 05-Feb-18 22:17:15

flowerscake or possibly gin. Take care and make the right decision for you

okavango Mon 05-Feb-18 22:28:47

I feel for you op, I found having an abortion (also the right decision for me) the loneliest thing I have ever done. I told one friend and my dh knew as it is still such a taboo. I also went to the appointments myself while dh did the childcare so he has no idea of what happened. It wasn't bad on the day, I went to bpas who were excellent but it is still a loss I feel even when berating myself for being so stupid for getting pregnant when I didn't want to be
.

I hope all goes well, whatever you decide.

Lizzygirl Mon 05-Feb-18 22:29:18

Thanks. I actually am eating a cake I made earlier, sitting in bed. I had the day off work as my DD was ill but tbh, I felt wretched too so it was nice to not have to drive the 1hr plus commute etc feeling sick

Lizzygirl Mon 05-Feb-18 22:35:13

Thank you okavango for your kind words. I'm having to arrange childcare with my ex which is a horrible feeling. After 11 years not being with him, I still have to rely on him sometimes but of course he doesn't know what is really happening. I always had hoped to have a baby with someone who loved and respected me. My DH does but we have debts and are in our 40s. We work hard as teacher/social workers but its tough. I haven't the energy, money or space to parent again. I want to give my all to my 2 DC.

LifeOfRiley63 Thu 08-Feb-18 20:15:31

I also found out I was pregnant 3 years ago when I'd just started a new job. I booked to have a surgical Dc (conscious) and it was the right decision for me. Part of me wishes I'd had the pill version though as the first op didn't remove everything and I had to have it done again.
You always have all of us on here to talk to. Feel free to Pm me xxx

Lizzygirl Sat 10-Feb-18 20:59:13

Thanks LifeofRiley63 for your kind words. I'm glad you have been content with your decision even though it sounds a difficult experience having to go twice. I'm booked for a surgical under GA next Friday. I've been on a shopping treat day with my teen girl today ( for her not me!). I'm fine being busy and I'm planning half term stuff for the week after with both DC but when I stop, I am floored again by the loneliness of it all and the secrecy.

LifeOfRiley63 Sat 10-Feb-18 21:38:40

Thats the beauty of being on here! We can talk about everything and anything in confidence because its anonymous!
How are you feeling about Friday?

Lizzygirl Sat 10-Feb-18 22:09:54

Yes, it's a relief to be anonymous and to find support like this. I am wanting Friday to come quickly and to get through the rest of this weekend and 4 days of work. I guess all of that will mostly distract me as I'll be so busy. I'll be 8 weeks on Friday. I think most of all I feel angry that women still feel this shame and loneliness and judgement. Part of me wants to tell everyone in order to break the taboo but I'm not brave enough. On Friday evening I'm staying over with DH who lives near to the hospital I've chosen to use. I've no idea how I will feel. Relief but I'm not sure what else. I will certainly feel thankful I could get an abortion so easily, unlike many women around the world so in that sense I count my blessings. I refuse to feel bad about myself. I've done plenty of that in my life and it's not good.

LifeOfRiley63 Sat 10-Feb-18 23:00:14

Totally agree, never feel bad about yourself, this is a sensible decision.
I too want to talk about it openly but the taboo will take a while to break I'm afraid. My close mates all know and I can talk to them about it, but I wouldn't tell colleagues or anything as gossip is rife in workplaces.
Are you being picked up on Friday? If you're going under for your op you won't be able to drive that day. Have you got a quiet weekend planned to rest up?x

Primarkismyonlyoption Sat 10-Feb-18 23:08:32

Look, fuck thinking of all women. It isn't a statement, although I get why it may help.
From my experience of going with a friend, twice, I think that just getting to Friday is all you can do. She said that she did feel relieved straight after and that the morning sickness was gone the following day but breast pain hung around.
If your DD is a teenager then this is totally the right decision and you should respect yourself for it. I hope all goes well for you on Friday and that you can spend the weekend recovering. My friend couldn't stop crying the day after, from the rapid drop in hormones, and for a while was desperate to be pregnant again. It is a very real loss, for some people, while others just get on with things.
I hope you get back to normal soon.

Lizzygirl Sat 10-Feb-18 23:58:47

Thanks for sharing the experiences. I think I will be back to normal quite quickly. Yes, taking each day as it comes and getting to Friday is all I can do. I've had 2 healthy, happy pregnancies and got 2 DC so I'm not in a terrible situation. Yes, I am being picked up as DH is actually coming with me and I will have a quiet weekend, before the madness of half term begins. Actually really pleased I've got a week off work after.

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