I'm ready, but he isnt

[lilWolfe]

Im a little older than my partner (sorry, dont know all of the abbreviations yet...) I'm 27 next month and he is 24.
We have an amazing relationship, are very certain of our future as well. We both want 4 kids, he is a very family oriented person, and last valentines day our gift to each other was to pick out a boy and girl name so when the time comes, we will already have a name picked. We have a puppy together and have lived together for over a year.
We aren't married yet, and im traditional and would like to be prior to having children... but i just dont want to keep waiting!! Im a lecturer so have a good, stable job. He works hard and financially we are ok - is being married a big enough reason to hold it off?

If we waited to be married first (which i dont think is too far off him asking me) it would be say 1 year of planning/ saving and 8 months of pregnancy, plus add 6 months of waiting for engagement and trying.

Thats 2 years and 2 months. Ill be 29.
I dont want to be turning 30 when i have my first child. And i know lots of women start at that age but im just ready now, i have been for a couple of years but it always seems im just waiting for the other half to catch up, which isnt fair - what about what i want?

I know it seems selfish and like im whining, but i know the second he is a dad he will know it was the right time, he will adore being a father and he'll make a great one.
Ive spoken to him about it but he wants to wait 2 years or so so we can get married first.

Just ranting really, but any advice/ similar situations/ words of any kind would be appreciated.

[PaperdollCartoon]

Get married first. You’ll be far more secure, financially if nothing else. He is sensible to want to marry first.

30 is not old to have a baby. You also can’t make him be ready if he’s not, 24 is very young. My partner is two years younger than me and it’s been a little frustrating waiting for him to catch up to where I am, but I want to be as keen an excited for each new chapter as I am.

[YerAuntFanny]

If being married first is a big deal (personally, I don't think it is) then why don't you ask him and spend less time saving/planning and just have an official ceremony and gathering with friends/family?

If it's going to cause resentment then I think you need to have a serious conversation with him about it.

[lilWolfe]

Thanks for the advice :)

To give a little more context: I am currently still married, but separated from my ex who i was with for 9 years. I practically had to beg him to marry me and in the end just went ahead and started organising one because i got so fed up of waiting. Children would have been a long way off and a subject that id of had to beg just to talk about, you can see why we broke up! and i should never have wasted so much time with him. Because of that im very aware of making decisions for myself and being happy. So Ive done the waiting already with someone else, and its unfair to put this onto my current partner, but it doesnt make those 9 years of 'my readiness and desire isnt relevant to the decision' with my ex just go away.

i dont and wont resent him, i know he'll catch up eventually. I think the looming birthday next month has just triggered my awareness that im getting closer to the 30 mark and i thought id be a mother by now.

He was raised christian although doesnt practice it but is also traditional in the order of things as i am.

And i dont want to rush through a wedding celebration as thats a big moment too, but we would only have a small, intimate church and garden wedding anyway.

24 is young... but 27 isnt... sorry ladies, im really just pouting over a pretty wonderful life - just want to make it more perfect and wonderful and feel like i cant because of an unchangable factor such as age and readiness, and my previous experiences are making me nervous that history will repeat itself. Frustrating.

[helpmum2003]

Being married is a good way to protect yourself financially if you are likely to stop or reduce your work when you have kids - especially 4!

But a simple wedding doesn't cause much delay.

When will you be divorced and when does your dp think he'll want kids? He is young at 24...... Just make sure you both want the same thing. I'm not sure that having a puppy and choosing names necessarily mean you want the same things...

I understand why you are impatient....

[Viviennemary]

I think he's very young at the age of 24 to be committing to marriage. And you say you're not divorced yet from your ex. You need to take a step back before rushing into marriage again. If you've been married 9 years to your ex you must have married at 18. What is the rush into marriage again especially with such a very young partner.

[lilWolfe]

Thanks helpmum2003 - within 3 - 4 months. My ex and i ended on good terms so no going to court or anything. Whats a dp? i assume partner but not sure what it stands for.
Partner is saying 2 years maximum, which really isn't too bad, but that's 2 years before we start trying and they take 9 months to cook so.
We absolutely want the same things, we're in it for the long haul and there's no movement on that, the only difference is the timing and i do believe its on my own insecurities from my previous relationships and not my feelings towards my current one that's making me feel this way. I realise this isn't a reason to rush it with my partner but, the feelings still there. Im not sure how to get over it or be ok with waiting.

[AuntieStella]

I suggest the order should be

a) get divorced (this really has to come first, for several reasons)
b) consider carefully whether younwant to be married before having DC. Read up on the differences between marriage and cohabitation. Do not reduce your income/career prospects/financial independence/pension without mitigation (or full understanding any losses are not mitigated)
c) if you think marriage is necessary/desirable, marry before DC
d) once married, or firm decision not to, then TTC but this can only happen when he is also ready.

Yes you'll either have to wait; or you could decide that as you can't, it's a deal breaker. Either way, you probably need a secret deadline for yourself of when you want to see progress on any particular point. But I would think it a little unfair if you held lack of action against him, whilst right now it's your lack of action on your divorce that is the total roadblock