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This topic is for personal experiences or dilemmas; to debate the ethics of termination, please go here or here.

Pregnant but not from my husband

(94 Posts)
AnnaLuna Thu 18-Jan-18 17:29:07

My husband and I have been together for 15 years and I've never been pregnant from him. We talked about using donor sperm and he agreed as long as he doesn't know about it and the donor is similar looking to him so he will think that baby is his. That was almost a year ago since he first agreed. I couldn't find a suitable donor who's got many of his features but I found one who looks a bit like me. So now I am 8 weeks pregnant and my husband thinks it's his baby. I feel very guilty about it though as he keeps saying that baby might have his features etc. Thinking of telling him that I've used donor sperm.
I am really torn between what I should do.
Can't really talk about it to anyone except on here. I would appreciate advice or if somebody had similar experience could they share it with me please. Thanks.

AnnaLuna Thu 18-Jan-18 17:33:08

Thinking about termination of the pregnancy too as an option but that will be very hard. I am 39 and might not get so lucky with getting pregnant soon again. And I've seen baby's heart beat today, I don't think I'll be able to terminate it now.

FacelikeaBagofHammers Thu 18-Jan-18 17:34:21

But he agreed?!

ladystarkers Thu 18-Jan-18 17:34:28

Hes agreed to this, he doesn’t want to know. Congrats x

Gazelda Thu 18-Jan-18 17:35:30

Did you use a fertility clinic? Is there any counselling available? Or could you talk this through with your GP?

formerbabe Thu 18-Jan-18 17:36:02

Do you think he knows deep down, seeing as you discussed this, and now he's playing along?

sonlypuppyfat Thu 18-Jan-18 17:36:24

Surely he knew you were going for treatment

NC4now Thu 18-Jan-18 17:37:24

He agreed and said he didn’t want to know. Unless there’s more to this, I can’t see the problem?

Ginger1982 Thu 18-Jan-18 17:41:39

Does he think it's his because you said, 'oh my God I'm pregnant naturally?' Or does he think you had treatment that used his sperm? It's hard but what happens if down the line your wee one needs medic treatment and he then finds out not his (blood type etc)? Surely better to be honest now?

ConfusedButInLove Thu 18-Jan-18 17:48:16

This is you and your husbands baby regardless of dna. You will be a wonderful mother and your husband a wonderful father.
This is your chance at a family, congratulations to you both flowers

BunloafAndCrumpets Thu 18-Jan-18 18:01:05

Do you know it's definitely not his?

MrsNacho Thu 18-Jan-18 18:03:04

By donor do you mean you had treatment or a one night stand?

Sounds like your husband agreed to the situation anyway.

MrsWineasaurus Thu 18-Jan-18 18:26:34

Surely he's not that stupid? Hasn't happened in 15 years, talk about sperm donor and suddenly pregnant. Maybe he's not saying anything but knows that there's a chance this isn't his baby?

badass80 Thu 18-Jan-18 18:28:31

So you slept with someone else? Or went to a clinic?

LittleLights Thu 18-Jan-18 18:29:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BastardGoDarkly Thu 18-Jan-18 18:31:40

Yeah, think you're gonna have to clarify this opportunity, as it stands, I thought this was the plan?

BastardGoDarkly Thu 18-Jan-18 18:32:13

Op, not opportunity hmm

blueCanvas Thu 18-Jan-18 18:35:24

if this was the plan then I think he knows and is just playing along. congratulations
smile

NapQueen Thu 18-Jan-18 18:39:18

Eh??

BastardGoDarkly Thu 18-Jan-18 18:51:18

Have to say, it was a pretty weird plan anyway.

NC4now Thu 18-Jan-18 18:56:10

I’m guessing this is an informal donor arrangement? It’s no surprise you’re left feeling all mixed up. I’d expect some kind of counselling if it was through a clinic.

Worldsworstcook Thu 18-Jan-18 19:32:41

If he's happy to bury his head in the sand to get what you BOTH want, let it be.

Once you've told him he will know and it can't be taken back. He wants to be fooled and believe. Allow him that kindness

AmazingGrace16 Fri 19-Jan-18 21:18:53

How are you op?

shouldwestayorshouldwego Fri 19-Jan-18 21:27:52

My children all predominately look like me. I think that as he didn't want to know, just roll with it and see what the baby turns out like. Also people often say 'oh doesn't x look like MIL' I just see a teenage me in her so I think to an extent people see what they want to see. He sounds excited to have a child. I guess the only thing to consider in the future is being honest with your child. Your dh has chosen not to know but your child won't know that they don't know who their biological father is.

AnnaLuna Mon 22-Jan-18 16:49:12

Hi guys. Sorry haven't been in a good place recently. Your replies are much appreciated.
Just been to the GP, explained the situation, it helped to talk about it.

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