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I’m pregnant & have no one to talk to.

(26 Posts)
MissBxxx Wed 17-Jan-18 18:00:45

I’m new here. After doing a bit of googling this website came up so I decided to join.
I’m 24 years old & I’ve just found out im pregnant. I cried at first, I’m okay now.
I know 100% that I want a termination and have already booked with Marie Stopes however I’m having a hard time with whether I should tell anyone or not hence why I’m here.

My family are very much pro life, I made a joke last week about being pregnant to gauge my moms reaction and she asked me what I’d do if I was and I said I’d have an abortion, to which she said “I’d never forgive you for that you keep it” and we carried on as normal.

We spoke about it again and I mentioned what she said and she said she would support me and she said “it’s whether you can live with the decision” I have been feeling strange for weeks and kind of knew deep down why, but it wasn’t until today I got a test and it was clear as day positive.

I’m 8 weeks pregnant according to dates of my last period. I did cry for about 5 mins thinking “why now”, I’ve been careless and had unprotected sex a dozen of times and never been caught out until this time! This has really made me learn my lesson! I’ll be stocking up on condoms!

I literally have nobody to talk to because I don’t want to tell anyone and have them judge me for wanting a termination. I feel fine & I know I’ll be fine after, however I’m kind of scared of what comes with abortions, is there a lot of pain & blood? Could someone tell me please?

I intend to go to the clinic alone and will make an excuse for where I am, I know I’ll be fine after as I had absolutely no feeling of joy or “I want this baby” it’s not the right time. I’m unemployed, live at home with parents and I am not ready for a child.

To be honest I don’t even feel like I’m pregnant & I don’t think I’ll feel any different after the termination. I’m just scared of the pain! Even though I’d consider myself someone with a high pain tolerance. I usually get period pains anyway!

Some advice on what I should do would be great and I’d hope there would be no judgement on my decision that would be great. Thank you xx

amethystshimmer Thu 18-Jan-18 10:07:55

MissB I'm sorry for the situation you find yourself in. I'm no expert having just been thrown into the same situation as well but I will share with you what I have learned in the last week and especially from my first appointment yesterday and it might give you some idea of what's ahead of you. But please remember this is my circumstance and options given to me and yours might be slightly different.

Are you based in the UK or elsewhere as that may change your options? First you say you are about 8 weeks based on your last period - is that 8 weeks since your period, or 8 weeks since you ovulated after your last period, and poss therefore 10 weeks since the period?

I don't have the Marie Stopes version where I am in the UK but it seems to give very good care from what I have read. I am booked for my procedure tomorrow.
Yesterday I went to an appointment where I was scanned to date the pregnancy - you don't see the screen and I was asked if I wanted to know how far on I was. The need to see how far on the pregnancy is, and whether it is ectopic as that can change the options available. I was given some leaflets detailing what would happen to the remains after the process and this hammered in the huge-ness of what I am about to do.
After that I spoke with a dr whowanted to first understand why I had come to the decision I have and asked my permission to put that in my notes. She very neatly paraphrased what I had said to be "patient considers her family to be complete and was using contraception to prevent further pregnancy" . She also asked that it was my decision and I didn't feel coerced by anyone else.
She gave me details of a counselling service as well should I, or my husband, feel it would be useful.
She then went on to outline my options. Because I am 9 weeks I am unable to 'miscarry' at home. (Here that option is only available at 8 weeks or less) So I can have the medical option (where you are given tablets) but it would have to happen in hospital. I'd go in for a 15 min appointment one day and be given tablets orally which would block the pregnancy hormone, and then 48 hours after have to go back to the hospital early in the morning where tablets would be entered into my vagina and usually within a couple of hours I'd begin to cramp and bleed. Effectively it would be a mini labour. I'd have painkillers and nurses around the whole time but it would not be pleasant. I could have someone (husband / friend) with me the whole time as well. Whatever you pass would be caught and I was told it would be best not to look as it can be very distressing. ( From what I've read here some places seem to do the two parts much quicker than the 48 hours my NHS trust makes you wait between them. So you may not have to wait the 48 hours)

2) Surgical. This can be done under local anaesthetic and is probably the quickest option for me. Important as I have two young children in school who I need to be there for. The cervical area is numbed and the pregnancy remains are removed by staff. You are awake for the whole procedure and you don't need anyone to take you home etc. You are able to do everything yourself afterwards.
3) Surgical under general anaesthetic. You are put to sleep, and when you waken it is all finished. However you need someone to collect you as you cannot drive for 24 hours after. And as with all things general anesthesia allows has a bit of a risk attached.

Ultimately for me I've chosen surgical under local. I'm terrified by what I might see /hear but I've got faith that they will screen me or do something to ensure I can't see what is going on as everything has been handled very sensitively so far. I'm also going to feel the pressure of them working on me but it was the first procedure there was an actual appointment available for - the medical option I'd have to go on Sunday and then go through the miscarriage / labour pains on tuesday or I can go tomorrow and deal get it done quicker and with less pain and distress. Unfortunately I didn't really realise when I made the choice that I can't have anyone with me, and there isn't space at the day unit for someone to wait for me. They have to phone in about 4pm to find out when to come and collect me. Given my family circumstances I will just go myself. This is a concern for me but if you have no-one to go with you it may be something that you have to consider.
I've been told that I will bleed for a while but if it is still heavy after about 2 weeks that wouldn't be classed as normal and I should make an appointment to go back. So I'm assuming heavy flow for a week or so after and you have to use pads and not tampons.

They also gave me the option of having a coil inserted while I'm there, and I've decided to go with that as it will take the worry of this happening in future away.

I think as well it's important to remember that there is a lot of 'stigma' and revulsion at the idea of termination. I'm in a totally different place in life to you to - but my fears are the same and I havent' shared with anyone except my husband for fear of being judged - I'll be 40 later this year, I've been with my husband 20 years, married 15 and have two children plus have had a devastating miscarriage 10 years ago. I was on the pill and my husband and I actually have sex so rarely that the whole thing feels like one step down from the immaculate conception! However, I don't want to tell my own mum or close friends as I don't know how they'll react either.

I hope this information is helpful to you, I've tried to be factual and not sugar coat too much - but if it is the right decision for you I'm sure you will get through it. I think its a big thing to go through completely alone but only you can decide if you can trust anyone enough to tell them and have them support you. I hope it goes well for you.

MissBxxx Thu 18-Jan-18 13:41:59

Hello amethyst thank you for your response!
I am around 8 weeks I think as I told the lady on the phone from Marie Stopes the approximate date of my last period and she said I’m around 8 weeks. I’m quite confused by the whole last period calculation thing so I’m not entirely sure!

I have been reading a lot about surgical and medical abortions and I’d like to go for the surgical one too. I am in the U.K. in the Midlands. I have my phone consultation booked for Saturday.

I have watched videos on surgical abortions also and it hasn’t affected me at all or made me feel different so I know 100% that this is what I want to do.

I have never had an operation or been under local or general anaesthetic so I’m quite scared about how it feels! I will be going alone and will get a taxi there and back.

I don’t know whether I should feel bad or not about what I’m doing but there is no attachment to the embryo growing inside me, it is so surreal. I’ve had unprotected sex quite a bit before (very very careless of me I know, I will be stocking up on condoms!) and I have never got pregnant so I think I just assumed it wouldn’t happen to me.

When I think back it all makes sense. Over Christmas & New Year I was pregnant and had no clue, it wasn’t until the first couple of January did I feel exhausted, I have had no morning sickness, no bloating, nothing majorly different, I just felt “different” if that makes sense!

The only signs I got were extreme tiredness, sleeping for much longer than normal, sore nipples but I get that about 2 weeks before my period anyway so I thought nothing of it and a few days ago the smell of my reed diffuser was making me feel sicky and so I threw it away! It was then I knew I had to get a test.

I’ve been dreaming and thinking about it for weeks but kind of kept convincing myself it wasn’t true, but after the smell of the diffuser making me gag I knew something was up because I’m not a person who vomits or gags at anything.

I’ve done two tests and keep looking at them because it just doesn’t seem real!

I don’t want to be judged for this but I really cannot wait to feel like “me” again, I can’t wait to go ahead with the procedure and get back to normal life. It just isn’t the right time for me and I do not want to be a mother at this point in my life.

The Marie Stopes by me is only open on Mondays & Wednesdays, my phone appointment is Saturday so fingers crossed I can be booked in for the following Monday or Wednesday and be back to normal.

I will report back here!

MissBxxx Sat 20-Jan-18 12:44:42

I’ve had my phone consultation which was fine, however they apparently have no appointments in my local Marie Stopes so I had the choice of travelling to another city for a medical abortion, which I refused as I don’t want to be in pain in a city I’m not used to.
Or I would be referred to my local hospital, which I agreed. But then she said I have to wait 7 working days to be contacted.

It may be a short time for some but when you want this over and done with it’s a long time! I was hoping I’d be able to be booked in for the week commencing but it’s impossible so now I have to wait for a letter to be referred for a surgical abortion.

This is all very long winded and has definitely taught me a massive lesson.

amethystshimmer Sat 20-Jan-18 13:48:48

I felt like that too when i called for my appointment. The first available consultation was 8 days later but I couldn't rearrange some of my kids stuff that was on that day, so I went 9 days later. Thankfully there was then a cancellation slot so I could have the procedure done on day 11 but if I'd wanted medical (tablet) it would have taken place on days 13 and 15 since calling to make that first appointment. If that cancellation hadn't been available I suspect it would have been day 14 /15 before I'd had my surgical.
It's definately not a quick process but I guess in a way that can be helpful to those who are a bit less sure of their decision and some time to mull the options over are better than a hastily made irreversible decision. Hang on in there, do whatever you can to make the week pass quickly. flowers

MissBxxx Sat 20-Jan-18 14:08:08

You’re right amethyst. It’s probabky a blessing in disguise for those who aren’t 100% on their decision.
I think because I’m 100% I’m just getting impatient and frustrated and want to feel like myself again lol!

QueenAravisOfArchenland Sat 20-Jan-18 14:15:41

I'm terrified by what I might see /hear but I've got faith that they will screen me or do something to ensure I can't see what is going on as everything has been handled very sensitively so far.

You won't really see or hear anything apart from the noise of the suction machine and the whole thing takes about five minutes. The local anaesthetic injection into your cervix feels a bit weird and briefly sharp, like when you get an anaesthetic injection at the dentist, but then it is numb. Then the procedure feels a bit like light tugging at your uterus for a few minutes, and that's about it. When I had mine the member of staff monitoring my vitals and the doctor conducting the procedure both chatted to me so that I hardly knew it was happening until they announced it was over.

Bleeding afterwards actually doesn't tend to be that heavy but can be on and off for a few weeks.

MissBxxx Sat 20-Jan-18 15:32:23

Does anyone know if being anemic or overweight makes a difference?
I was diagnosed with anaemia as a child and had to take iron medication everyday until I was about 14 when everything was fine.
My iron dips low sometimes now and again and the last time I went to the doctors about two years ago he told me my iron was low but I could increase it by eating foods before going on long term medication.
I also suffer with headaches/migraines and she did ask me if I did. The neurologist was never clear so I’m not sure whether I suffer with cluster headaches or actual migraines however since I’ve been pregnant I’ve been having headaches every single day all day.

I also have a BMI just over 40 so I’m freaked that they might refuse me? She did say my BMI is high so I could only have a medical abortion however as I’m being referred to a hospital they can do surgical which I’m relieved about.

I think I’m just a bit panicky because I was reading lots of stories yesterday about failed abortions, tissue being left in the body, and positive tests months later so I’m a little anxious! Lol! Xx

QueenAravisOfArchenland Sat 20-Jan-18 15:37:59

Being prone to anaemia might leave you feeling run down and crappy afterwards so taking some supplemental iron wouldn't be the world's worst idea.

Having BMI 40 won't stop them doing the procedure - I'm willing to bet they just prefer you to be in hospital in case of the rare scenario where you have some complications with anaesthesia and might need extra support.

MissBxxx Sat 20-Jan-18 15:58:13

AH okay that’s puts me at ease thank you Queen! It’s so nice to have someone to answer all these questions I have!

MissBxxx Mon 22-Jan-18 17:02:56

I’ve been given an appointment for ANOTHER consultation!
The hospital they have referred me to is 45 minutes away! I do not drive and travelling on public transport gives me anxiety so I’m completely stressed out about this and have nobody to speak to.
I have to go in at 8:30am for a consultation, scan, the usual and then come back again a few days later for the actual surgical abortion.
Is this how things go? I’ve been reading a lot and it seems for most it happens on the same day?!
I’m quite annoyed that I’m going to have to travel to a city I don’t know twice in the space of a couple of days when this could be done in a day.

It’s reslly stressing me out and I’m considering going through my GP in hope I can be referred to my local hospital which is 10 mins away. However to get an appointment at my GP is hard aswell, you have to call at 8am and even then it’s always engaged.

My consultation appointment isn’t for another two weeks. This is just all so long winded. I’ve never done this before so maybe my expectations were unrealistic in thinking I could have it done within a week.

I know my decision is 100% but I simply cannot stop crying because I can’t talk to anyone about it, and I’m going to have to find my own way to this hospital which will make my anxiety through the roof.

I just feel awful. Is it worth me calling my GP at 8am tomorrow and trying that way? No discrimstion here but from reading posts, certain religions of GPs will refuse to refer me is this true? I didn’t realise how complicated this all was.

Pumpkin18 Mon 22-Jan-18 21:43:31

I was in the same situation at 24 (12 years ago) I knew straight away that I wanted a termination. I didn't tell my family but I told my best friend and she came with me to my appointment - I was lucky and the day I had a consultation at the clinic they had a cancellation so I could have the termination the same day - you never know you could find the same, so defo worth having someone with you for support. I would take a friend if you can - it's better not to keep these things completely to yourself and I imagine it could be a lonely road. Don't worry about afterwards you shouldn't be in pain as such but be prepared to bleed for a couple of weeks. If you are concerned about travelling to the appointment then taking a friend to ease your anxiety might help. Not sure if the gp will be able to help or if it has to go through Marie stopes. Its all quite quick - I waited in the waiting area longer than I was in having the termination. If you can get over your anxiety to travel it will all be fine and might be better not to have it done on your doorstep so you havent always got a reminder. Hope it all goes ok xxx

MissBxxx Mon 22-Jan-18 23:04:07

Thank you Pumpkin!
Feeling a little better now, I tend to get pretty worked up pretty quickly and then hours later calm down and see things for what they are lol!
It is a while to wait but I guess there isn’t anything I can do at this moment. I did call Marie Stopes again just to ask if that’s the earliest and the lovely lady did say if they had any earlier they would contact me.
Either way, I cannot wait to feel like myself again, the tiredness is absolutely killing me!

Pumpkin18 Mon 22-Jan-18 23:43:16

I remember coming out afterwards and realising pretty much straight away that I didn't have the sickness anymore so you will feel almost back to normal straight away. Just have a chilled couple of days afterwards and you'll be fine x

albanie Tue 23-Jan-18 00:04:32

I felt like I had to send you a quick msg of my experience because I was 8 weeks when I had an abortion many years ago and was the same age as you are...

I think you will always feel it was the right decision for you especially how you have explained your situation, I have never regretted my decision and was in a loving relationship at the time...

I was offered a surgical abortion and a 'natural' abortion where you take tablets and 'pass' the pregnancy yourself. I chose the natural one because I did not want an operation I wanted to be out and about as soon as possible afterwards. Maybe I was misinformed however...

I will be honest and tell you I was unprepared for the pain I was in but then again this is just me. I first had the tablets which stop the foetus from developing they were swallowed and I was told to come back in two days time to have the next two tablets which would make me miscarry. The first two tablets nothing happened at all to me physically.

I went back again in two days as I was told and what I didn't realise was the two tablets were put up inside me as a pessary and that's where they stayed.

I left the clinic on advice to go straight home and take strong painkillers. My partner at the time drove us home and the pain started so quickly it took me by surprise, within 10 mins I was in quite a lot of pain on the back seat of the car (we had had to travel approx an hour for this procedure) Now I have had a baby I would describe the pain as early contractions, you sweat and you feel quite nauseous, I was really unprepared for the whole thing and immediately thought something was wrong.

I ended up having to go into a macdonalds toilet where I sat on the toilet crying in pain for two hours while I misscarried (I'm sorry if this is tmi) There honestly wasn't much blood at this point but I did start bleeding heavily for the next day or so after. I say heavily as in I was wearing huge pads and huge pants and had to sit on a towel at all times.

It was awful but because I wasn't prepared at all it was worse. I think I should have gone for the surgical because it was such an ordeal for me and my partner and just an awful experience.

I believe the government were trying to change the law for these 'natural' abortions to allow women to take the second lot of tablets in the comfort of their own home and I strongly agree this needs to happen. I dread to think of the young girls who have had the same experience as me.

It wasn't until about a week later I had stopped bleeding and was back at work that I passed the pregnancy and it was just something that came away on some toilet paper not much bigger than a 50p piece and not gross just like a jelly lump really.

I will just say to you if you can confide in someone and if you go down the route I went down just get back home as quickly and safely as possible. Get everything you need at home ready like painkillers and plenty of fluids and some high iron foods if you can stomach them. You may feel quite vulnerable and sad although you know it's what you want it's quite a big decision that will never leave you...

Most importantly look after yourself and be nice to yourself I hope it's as smooth as it can be for you biscuit

MissBxxx Tue 23-Jan-18 00:23:10

Thank you for your comment Albanie! I’m sorry your experience was so painful! If anything it’s made me feel much more at ease. I did ask for a surgical because I’d read experiences and didn’t like the thought of passing it at home, mostly because I live with parents.
I’ve never had GA before so I’m kind of nervous about that, not scared but a little nervous to know how it feels!
I’m hoping there won’t be too much bleeding or pain from the surgical as I’ll be travelling back home and it’s about 45 mins!
Thank you all for your comments, it makes me feel so much better as I’m an over thinker! X

albanie Wed 24-Jan-18 14:24:46

I hope you are ok biscuit

amethystshimmer Thu 25-Jan-18 09:48:43

Miss B hopsital may be unhappy to let you go home alone if you are having a general anaesthetic rather than local. It may be worth calling and checking before the actual day. You want it to go as smoothly as possibly on the day.

amethystshimmer Wed 31-Jan-18 11:52:18

How are you doing Miss B?

MissBxxx Wed 31-Jan-18 15:12:47

Hi amethyst! I am good thank you for asking.
I have my consultation appointment this Friday and then I’ll be booked in for the termination a few days later.
I’m feeling so much better, the tiredness has gone and so have the headaches so I’m feeling much more like myself now!

amethystshimmer Wed 31-Jan-18 19:10:54

Glad the ball is rolling for you now, hope the next few days pass quickly and glad you are feeling a bit better now xx

MissBxxx Sat 03-Feb-18 00:46:18

Small update; Had my appointment this morning at the hospital, everyone was absolutely lovely and made me feel so much at ease! Makes me feel really silly about how I was overthinking the situation!

I was talked to by a lovely lady and asked the usual questions about health, contraception, am I sure etc etc. Then I had a scan, she said I was 9 weeks and 4 days if I recall correctly. I had to do a Chlamydia and Gonnorhea swan it is routine, then I went straight through to the consultant who told me I cannot have a surgical abortion because of my weight (I kinda guessed) so it would have to be medical.
To be honest I was scared at first after the horror stories I’ve read but then I just thought either way I’d like to get it over with and to be honest I now think the medical will be best, as I was anxious about GA!

So I took the first tablet today and I have to go back on Sunday to have the others given to be vaginally and pain killers up the anus?! Never come across that before!

I will have to stay in to pass the pregnancy which I am pleased about to be honest! I was told to pack an overnight bag just incase I do not pass the pregnancy that day.
I was given a leaflet, appointment for Sunday and had a blood test and left, I was there for about 90 mins so all in all very quick!

As I said everyone as so so lovely to me and I’m hoping it will be the same on Sunday. I have had painful periods throughout my earlier years so I kinda have a feeling of what to expect when it comes to pain!
I will update when I can, thanks everyone for the messages, this forum made me feel so much better about this. When you have nobody to talk to you can feel like it’s the only person it’s happening to.

MissBxxx Sun 04-Feb-18 10:59:16

Hi everyone!
I have an update.
I am currently at the hospital, obviously I took the first pill on Friday & came back today to take the rest.

I had no symptoms at all on Friday but yesterday I had some bleeding and cramping which I read was normal. Then early hours of this morning around 5:50am I woke up with an urge to go to the toilet when I went I had a small gush of blood and a blood cut about 2 inches in size plopped in the loo. I didn’t know what it was I was too scared to look at it too much to be honest!

Anyway got to the hospital today at 8am and was admitted and waited for a bit, given the second lot of pills vaginally and had to sit and wait, I was given the second pills around 9:45am and within about 20 mins I could feel period like pain, similar to the ones I get on my first day of my period.

Around 10/15 minutes ago so about 10:40/10:45 I could feel that I need to pass something so sat on the loo with the bed pan and out came the pregnancy, I moved forward and back a bit to ease it out but I knew what it was. I was too scared to look too closely but I could tell, called the nurse and she was shocked. She said she could still see the tablets she gave me and that I have definitely passed the pregnancy all I have to wait for now is the placenta. She said in all her time of doing these she’s never seen it that quick which shocked me!

I beleive the first tablet may have triggered something off and the clot this morning did, or I was going to miscarry. I read so many stories of hours of pain and waiting some even days and I was prepared, what I wasn’t prepared for was it to come out of me in about an hour!!

The pain so far has been identical to period pains, I had a bit of a chill but that’s it. I’m hoping that the worst part is over and it will be smooth sailing from now.

I again want to thank everyone for their responses it really put me at ease and I can’t belIeve how much my overthinking made me anxious. Everyone is so lovely here. I’m in my own room and am now going to snack on some fruits and wait for the placenta to make its way out.

So far so good. It was definitely the right decision for me!

amethystshimmer Tue 06-Feb-18 13:16:04

I was thinking about you this morning Miss B. Glad to hear you are doing ok, I hope everything kees going smoothly for you xx

MissBxxx Tue 06-Feb-18 14:40:56

Ah thank you amethyst! Feeling so much more positive, the experience for me was nowhere near traumatic and was simply like a bad period.

I’m cramping and still bleeding as expected but feel back to myself already.

Again thank you for the lovely posts. xxx

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