I know termination is the right decision for us. DH and I have spoken at length and it was me who mentioned this road first - I said I was scared he would hate me at some point years down the line (we've been together 20 years so pretty solid, but this is a major decision) and he said God, no - it's abolsutely the right thing and rhymed off all the reasons why its the right thing, and that he hadn't wanted to suggest it to me in case I was angry with him.
So why, when we both independantly know it's the best thing, when I felt a huge weight lift on Monday when I made the call to book in, do I now feel like such a nasty horrible person for making this decision. I'm between 5-8 weeks (irregular periods on the pill - we can remember the night in question as it happens so bloody rarely but neither of us can find a way to pin down when it was) and I'm totally wiped out tired wise, extremely nauseous, quite sick and off most food. How can I do this to my own child? I'm booked for an appointment next Wednesday and will have to return for any procedure.
I miscarried 10 years ago and it is one of the most heartbreaking experiences of my life as that child was long tried for and much wanted - but this is just a different experience and I can't explain or understand why I feel so different except that it is 10 years later, this wasn't planned or longed for the way the first was, I am 10 years older and I have two kids who I adore and who's lives I am not ready to turn upside down.
Sorry I'm rambling now. Everything feels such a mess. I'm dreading seeing the scan as it will either make me feel worse for contemplating / going ahead with this, or will cause me to want to continue and throw all four of our lives into chaos. Yet not seeing it will be the worst thing of all for me as I'll forever regret not seeing it. That much I know for sure. The wait is awful. I can't believe its happening.
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22 replies
amethystshimmer · 10/01/2018 10:37
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