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This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Pregnancy choices

95% certain

22 replies

amethystshimmer · 10/01/2018 10:37

I know termination is the right decision for us. DH and I have spoken at length and it was me who mentioned this road first - I said I was scared he would hate me at some point years down the line (we've been together 20 years so pretty solid, but this is a major decision) and he said God, no - it's abolsutely the right thing and rhymed off all the reasons why its the right thing, and that he hadn't wanted to suggest it to me in case I was angry with him.
So why, when we both independantly know it's the best thing, when I felt a huge weight lift on Monday when I made the call to book in, do I now feel like such a nasty horrible person for making this decision. I'm between 5-8 weeks (irregular periods on the pill - we can remember the night in question as it happens so bloody rarely but neither of us can find a way to pin down when it was) and I'm totally wiped out tired wise, extremely nauseous, quite sick and off most food. How can I do this to my own child? I'm booked for an appointment next Wednesday and will have to return for any procedure.
I miscarried 10 years ago and it is one of the most heartbreaking experiences of my life as that child was long tried for and much wanted - but this is just a different experience and I can't explain or understand why I feel so different except that it is 10 years later, this wasn't planned or longed for the way the first was, I am 10 years older and I have two kids who I adore and who's lives I am not ready to turn upside down.
Sorry I'm rambling now. Everything feels such a mess. I'm dreading seeing the scan as it will either make me feel worse for contemplating / going ahead with this, or will cause me to want to continue and throw all four of our lives into chaos. Yet not seeing it will be the worst thing of all for me as I'll forever regret not seeing it. That much I know for sure. The wait is awful. I can't believe its happening.

OP posts:
capercaillie · 10/01/2018 10:42

I was in a similar position about 18 months ago and your post described exactly how I felt. I went through with the termination with no regrets and still think it was the right decision for my family. You don’t have to see the scan. Take care of yourself - this will be a difficult time even if you are sure of your decision.

amethystshimmer · 10/01/2018 10:49

Thank you - love your username Smile I'm glad you have no regrets. That gives me some hope that this is just pregnancy hormones causing me to be irrational.

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capercaillie · 10/01/2018 10:59

The hormones do take some dealing with and it took a couple of months to feel completely right again. I think that already havingchildren meant I knew that this was a commitment for life that i knew I couldn’t make - not just the baby years. Those few weeks were tough though - partly because I couldn’t believe I was in that situation.

amethystshimmer · 10/01/2018 11:30

Thank you Capercaillie, yes, theres is a bit of disbelief about it all. It will have such a huge impact on my other two children. I'm also very close to 40 and overweight so will be in the high risk category for both me and the baby and I've had two previous c-sections. We are also a long way from family and close friends - I've made some friends where we've moved to but at this stage in life, people are well established and forging real friendships is difficult. I believe it would leave me even more isolated.

OP posts:
SossidgeRoll · 10/01/2018 12:30

I was in a different position to you as I hadn't started a family but just to let you know that I felt only relief after my termination. I think there is almost a stigma about NOT feeling bad, as if you should grieve as part of a mea culpa. For me it was the right decision, I felt sad that it had happened but only huge relief and a renewed sense of purpose and joy about how my life was going. Its OK to feel sad about having to take the decision rather than the decision itself I think.
Best wishes to you :)

Littlegirl123 · 10/01/2018 14:31

Hi

I completely get where you are coming from. I am in a very similar boat - I am very shocked I'm in this position. It took ages to conceive both my children.

I understand your thinking - I am sure my decision is right for my two children. One is still very small and I am finding it hard coping with the two.

I have a little nagging feeling that my decision is just based on me and what I can offer/cope with and that is making me feel guilty. Technically we could afford another child and DH is happy either way.

I have made this decision because I know it's right for me and my other two but obviously I realise how much I love our children so feel like in some way I am not loving this one?!

I also had a very upsetting miscarriage before both my two so I feel guilty for that as well.

I went in today but need to leave it another week as was only 5 weeks. I feel very sick and tired esp Delong with the baby all night.

I am sure of my decision but I think it's good to recognise the negative aspects too? X

Smarties01 · 10/01/2018 17:58

Amethyst, I can totally relate to have you’re feeling . I was in the same situation in April 2016.
I’ve been with my husband 25 years, married for 16 and we have 2 amazing boys aged 7&5.
We conceived our first child via IVF as we had “unexplained infertility “.
I found out in 2016 that I was pregnant due to a mishap with contraception. I was absolutely devasted, I cried.... a lot and I felt like my world had ended.
I felt like I was just getting a bit of “me” time back and my youngest was due to start school in the September 2016 so we’d save money having no nursery fees, I’d started my dream job the year before so everything just seemed to be going well, until taking the test and getting that positive result.
I made the decision to terminate and my husband said he would support me whatever the decision I made but like you, I worried about how he would feel in 2,5,10 years about me. Nearly 2 years on he’s still just as amazing.
I know everyone is individual and we all deal with things in different ways but after my termination I struggled mentally. I felt that as a Mum already how could I have done what I’ve done. I know in my heart I did the right thing as starting again and being responsible for another human being frightened the hell out of me. I also took my age into account, I was 42 so the risks were higher for the baby and me and I had to take into account that I was responsible for 2 young children.
I’m wafflng now but I just wanted you to make sure that you are 100% sure of your decision. Be kind to yourself and it sounds like you have an amazing husband so you can always rely on him for support.
I wish you all the best OP and I remember reading a post that a lady had made previously “I’d rather regret having had an abortion than regret having had a child”.
Sending you hugs 🤗 xx

amethystshimmer · 10/01/2018 18:59

Thank you Sossidge, Littlegirl & Smarties. Ots nice to know that there are other woman out there who understand. Its that knowing how hard you tried to get pregnant in the first place, the pain of losing one (or more) and I have friends who struggled massively with infertility and multiple losses. Yet here I am, about to make this decision. Yet knowing deep down that it is very much the right one for me and the whole family.
That's a very deep thought Smarties and one that seems very true. To bring a child into the world and resent it would be awful :( I didn't bond immediately with my newborn son the way I did with my daughter and later he had a lot of issues with colic & reflux that I'd struggle to deal with again at the stage in family life we all are now. You certainly aren't waffling - well not to me - if anything you are articulating a lot of the very precise thoughts crashing around in my head just now. So thank you for sharing.
Littlegirl, I'm so sorry you have to wait another week. That must be crushing. I'm desperate for wednesday to come around and I can at least start the process. My husband is going to come with me, he was worried as a man he wouldn't be welcome (seen as pressuring me) but the website says you can bring partners / friends so I think it will be ok. I think I'd be happier if he was there.

OP posts:
Star90 · 10/01/2018 19:14

I am booked in next Wednesday to have the procedure.. time is going slow and I feel like I’ve got a cloud stuck over me at the moment and seem to be in a bad place mentally. I know that the hormones aren’t helping but I also know this is for the best! It’s a really physically and mentally draining situation to be in! Wishing you all the best xx

amethystshimmer · 16/01/2018 13:16

The days are dragging and today seems especially slow. I just want tomorrow to be over and find out what options are available to me. Sickness really has eased as has tiredness, so concerned that I'm further on than I thought. Thank goodness the ball starts rolling tomorrow.

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Star90 · 16/01/2018 14:54

I also have my apt tommorow! I am booked for a surgical I’ll be 8 weeks! My tiredness and sickness has peaked and I’m struggling to do anything atm I really just need this over! I feel like I’m letting my kids down laying around all the time! Xx

amethystshimmer · 16/01/2018 15:09

I just get to have a 'consultation' tomorrow. Scan, blood test, chat about reasons and discussion of options. Terrified by the logisitics of it all. You need to be 8 weeks or under and meet a whole lot of other conditions to be allowed to go home and have it all happen there. I suspect I am going to be more than that. Other than that I have to go to the big hospital in the city which is a 45 min drive away. Some things say you may have to go in for 7.30am and thats a problem when I've two kids to get to school. As a SAHM they know I never go anywhere at that time in the morning. Dental appointment that I need to leave at 6am for - my 8 year old is never going to buy that. I really hope I'm under the 8 weeks but as I said symptoms have really eased since about Friday so I'm not sure I'm not nearer the 10/12 week mark. What a mess.
I hope your appointment goes well tomorrow and you are back home quickly and able to get back to normality with the kids Star90.

OP posts:
FellOutOfBed2wice · 16/01/2018 15:18

No advice OP but just a Flowers I hope know that you must make the right decision for your family and set of circumstances now, no one else’s circumstances past or present matter.

Also, my Mum had loads trouble with her teeth when I was a kid (still does) and often had to go to hospital for Oral and maxillofacial surgery and surgical procedures on abscesses and the like. I would try and go down that road to the kids if you don’t want to tell them the truth (and I get why you might not). She was once in for two days while they worked on draining an abscess and there was no outer manifestation..... she just told us she was in pain and they’d sort it. Never questioned it.

amethystshimmer · 17/01/2018 14:03

Falloutofbed you are absolutely right it has to be the right decision for all of us as we are in the here and now - not about friends who have struggled with infertility or how I felt when I miscarried when I didn't have my children yet - and I know that that going ahead with this is the right thing for us all. I don't have the energy for another child, and it would have a big impact the two I already have. I had my appointment this morning, I'm 9 weeks and have decided to go for a surgical under local anaesthetic on Friday. I will be able to take the kids to school in the morning and then go in to the hospital mid morning. Unfortunately they say that I can't have anyone with me or waiting for me due to lack of space, so hubby will go to work, which is nearer the hopsital than our house is anyway and if I need him he'll be relatively close and able to come to me. If I don't get out on time for school pick up which seems unlikely then he can get the kids from school and all being well I'll just drive myself home. They are going to fit a mirena coil for me while I'm in and DH is going to look into getting the snip. They say that can take 9-12months though so need something in the meantime and I don't think I'd ever trust the contraceptive pill again (I need to take the combined one for other health reasons so its never as effective)

OP posts:
Smarties01 · 17/01/2018 17:30

Hope you’re doing okay Amethyst xx

amethystshimmer · 18/01/2018 10:36

yes doing ok thanks Smarties, sad but sure. Just waiting for tomorrow.

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capercaillie · 19/01/2018 12:13

Hope you’re ok Amethyst and today went smoothly for you. Take it easy over the weekend and be very kind to yourself. My recovery from surgical was quick although there were a few side effects from all the drugs/antibiotics you have to take.

Smarties01 · 19/01/2018 21:53

Thinking about you Amethyst Flowers xx

Smarties01 · 19/01/2018 21:54

Thinking of you Amethyst Flowers xx

amethystshimmer · 20/01/2018 13:42

Hi capercaillie & Smarties, thank you for checking on me.
I am doing well thanks, went through the procedure yesterday. I won't lie it was pretty awful at times; I had to be on my own the way things all worked out and I cried as I drove the 40 mins to the hospital and I cried for the last hour before my surgery. The nurse asked me to change into my gown, and I thought the surgery was imminent but I was left sitting around for 50 mins and I was cold sitting in a hospital gown and all on my own. I also cried hard at the start of the process as I truly felt like the most awful mum - sacrificing one child for the sake of my other two. What kind of mum gives up her child? Surely I should be fighting to protect him or her not do what I was doing. But still I knew it was the right thing to do.
The bit I was worried about was the local anesthetic but I never felt that at all, the staff were all amazing. The worst bit was the very end, I was told it would be like bad period cramps but that was BS. It was like mid-late labour pains. I certainly squealed in pain having been told just minutes/seconds beforehand how well I was doing. I remember the nurse who was holding my hand telling me to breathe through the pain. Thankfully that bit was over in maybe 2 or max 3 mins.
Afterwards I felt different to what I've felt since the start of the year. I felt like me again. And I didn't realise I hadn't been feeling like me. I have no regrets, but I've told my husband I will never ever go through that again. I've had a coil fitted and if God forbid anything fails or goes wrong then we will deal with it differently. But not surgical under local.
So its a chapter of my life I can begin to close. I'm determined to make a fresh start in my life and see this as the beginning of something else. To really appreciate the family I have and treasure all the moments with them I can. I'm feeling like a fog has cleared/cloud has lifted and the regrets / sadness / broken heart I've felt over the past two weeks have cleared. Thank you everyone for your support through the almost two weeks it's taken me to get to this point.

OP posts:
Smarties01 · 20/01/2018 17:30

It so great to hear that you’re okay. Sending you Flowers xx

MissBxxx · 21/01/2018 01:38

So good to hear you’re doing well amethyst, it makes me feel confident for when I finally get my appointment!

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